Friendships that take place online are not as meaningful as those where people meet each other face to face. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Friendships that take place online are not as meaningful as those where people
meet each other face to face. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is argued that there is inherently less value in online friendship. While acknowledging the reasons for this proposal, I partly disagree with it for several reasons which will be presented now.

On the one hand, it is understandable why people believe that online friendship is not meaningful compared to those where people meet each other in real life. It has little impact on mental health. In fact, when friendships are interacted through media, they may need to meet face-to-face to better know every aspect of their friend, which helps maintain the excitement of friendship and create a bond for it. Without that,people are easily in the mood to give up and there is no intimacy in online conversations because of the vague information they are provided about the other person. Take a research about human psychology as an example, it has shown that if people meet friends or relatives in real life, their bodies will produce hormones called happiness hormones that directly affect mood. This is a sign that there is tremendous value in real life friendships based around mental proximity which is negligible for online friendship

On the other hand, there are many compelling reasons for the positive meaning of online friendship. It is beneficial for the mental health of certain individuals. Obviously, for groups of people facing difficult situations but without anyone to share directly, when they find like-minded people online, they can share with each other their similarities, which has great significance in helping each other overcome psychological depression. Although story expression can be hindered through differences in language or text message clarity, with the modern development of social networking sites, this group of people can easily interact via video calling facility. For example, many countries still do not fully recognize the LGBT community and this is like a barrier to the development of these people. From there, they can connect with similar friends online to share and relieve stress resulting in their problems. The meaning of friendship is best demonstrated through this situation

In conclusion, despite the aforementioned disadvantage of the sense of friendship through the media, I believe that its beneficial meaning exists in mental health in certain cases.

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Errors and Improvements:

1. "It is argued that there is inherently less value in online friendship." -> "It is contended that online friendships inherently possess less value."
   Explanation: Replacing "argued" with "contended" adds a more formal and academic tone to the sentence. Additionally, the phrase "inherently possess less value" enhances precision.

2. "While acknowledging the reasons for this proposal, I partly disagree with it for several reasons which will be presented now." -> "While acknowledging the rationales behind this assertion, I partially dissent from it, presenting various reasons."
   Explanation: The term "proposal" is replaced with "assertion" for a more accurate representation. The use of "partly disagree" is refined to "partially dissent," contributing to a more formal expression.

3. "On the one hand, it is understandable why people believe that online friendship is not meaningful compared to those where people meet each other in real life." -> "On one hand, it is comprehensible why individuals posit that online friendships lack depth when contrasted with those formed in physical encounters."
   Explanation: The revision replaces colloquial language with more formal alternatives, such as "understandable" with "comprehensible," and provides a nuanced description of the comparison between online and offline friendships.

4. "Without that, people are easily in the mood to give up and there is no intimacy in online conversations because of the vague information they are provided about the other person." -> "Without such encounters, individuals may be prone to despondency, and online interactions lack intimacy due to the limited information available about the other party."
   Explanation: The phrase "easily in the mood to give up" is replaced with "prone to despondency" for a more formal tone. The sentence is also rephrased for clarity and conciseness.

5. "Take a research about human psychology as an example, it has shown that if people meet friends or relatives in real life, their bodies will produce hormones called happiness hormones that directly affect mood." -> "Consider a study in human psychology; it reveals that physical meetings with friends or relatives trigger the release of happiness hormones, significantly influencing mood."
   Explanation: "Take a research about" is corrected to "Consider a study in," providing a more academic structure. The term "it has shown" is refined to "it reveals," emphasizing the presentation of findings in academic discourse.

6. "On the other hand, there are many compelling reasons for the positive meaning of online friendship." -> "Conversely, numerous compelling reasons support the positive significance of online friendships."
   Explanation: The revision replaces the informal phrase "On the other hand" with "Conversely" for better coherence in academic writing. "Positive meaning" is refined to "positive significance" for precision.

7. "Obviously, for groups of people facing difficult situations but without anyone to share directly, when they find like-minded people online, they can share with each other their similarities, which has great significance in helping each other overcome psychological depression." -> "Evidently, individuals grappling with challenging circumstances, lacking direct avenues for sharing, can find solace in connecting with like-minded individuals online, facilitating the exchange of experiences that holds profound significance in overcoming psychological depression."
   Explanation: The phrase "Obviously, for groups of people" is replaced with "Evidently, individuals," adding formality. "Share with each other their similarities" is refined for clarity and precision.

8. "Although story expression can be hindered through differences in language or text message clarity…" -> "While narrative expression may encounter obstacles due to language disparities or text message clarity…"
   Explanation: The phrase "Although story expression" is rephrased to "While narrative expression" for a more formal and precise representation.

9. "From there, they can connect with similar friends online to share and relieve stress resulting in their problems." -> "Subsequently, they can establish online connections with like-minded friends to share experiences and alleviate stress stemming from their challenges."
   Explanation: The phrase "From there" is replaced with "Subsequently" for a smoother transition. "Resulting in their problems" is refined for clarity and precision.

10. "In conclusion, despite the aforementioned disadvantage of the sense of friendship through the media, I believe that its beneficial meaning exists in mental health in certain cases." -> "In conclusion, notwithstanding the previously mentioned drawback associated with the concept of online friendship, I contend that its positive impact on mental health prevails in specific instances."
    Explanation: The phrase "despite the aforementioned disadvantage" is replaced with "notwithstanding the previously mentioned drawback" for a more formal expression. "I believe" is refined to "I contend," contributing to a more assertive and academic tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument, acknowledging the perspective that online friendships are less meaningful while presenting a partial disagreement. Relevant sections, such as the mention of the impact on mental health and the need for face-to-face interaction, are appropriately discussed.
  • How to improve: While the essay adequately covers the prompt, providing more specific examples or elaborating on certain points could enhance the depth of the analysis.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position by expressing partial disagreement with the idea that online friendships are less meaningful. However, there are instances where the stance could be more explicit, especially in the introduction and conclusion.
  • How to improve: Explicitly state the position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion for a more consistent and easily identifiable stance.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas on both sides, supporting them with examples such as the impact on mental health and the importance of face-to-face interaction. However, some points lack elaboration, and there is a need for smoother transitions between ideas.
  • How to improve: Provide more detailed examples to support each point and ensure a logical flow between paragraphs for better coherence and cohesion.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but may deviate slightly in the discussion of the LGBT community. While relevant to the overall theme, a more direct connection to the prompt would strengthen the focus.
  • How to improve: Tie the discussion of the LGBT community back to the prompt by emphasizing how online friendships can be particularly meaningful for individuals facing societal barriers.

In conclusion, the essay demonstrates a comprehensive understanding of the prompt and effectively communicates a partial disagreement with the statement. To improve, focus on providing more specific examples, explicitly stating the position in the introduction and conclusion, enhancing the elaboration of ideas, and ensuring a more direct connection to the prompt throughout.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. The introduction sets up the argument, and each paragraph focuses on presenting reasons supporting both sides of the issue. However, there is room for improvement in the coherence within paragraphs. For instance, the transition between the two perspectives (online and real-life friendship) could be smoother to enhance the overall flow.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure a smoother transition between paragraphs. Use clear topic sentences and concluding sentences to guide the reader through each section. Consider a more seamless connection between the advantages and disadvantages presented in the body paragraphs.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively to present distinct ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a particular aspect of the argument, making it easy to follow. However, there is a minor issue with the structure within paragraphs, particularly in the second paragraph. The ideas could be more clearly delineated for improved readability.
  • How to improve: Refine the structure within paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea, and use topic sentences to introduce these ideas. Consider breaking down complex sentences for better clarity, particularly in the second paragraph.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes a range of cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases (e.g., "On the one hand," "On the other hand," "In conclusion"). However, there is a tendency to repeat certain words and phrases, which can affect the overall cohesiveness.
  • How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices to avoid repetition. Explore synonyms or alternative expressions to maintain variety. Additionally, pay attention to maintaining coherence within sentences to ensure a smooth flow of ideas. Consider using pronouns or referencing keywords to connect sentences more seamlessly.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a sound level of coherence and cohesion, improvements can be made in the transition between paragraphs, the structure within paragraphs, and the diversification of cohesive devices. By refining these aspects, the essay can achieve an even higher level of logical organization and clarity.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. It includes some varied expressions and terminology, but there is room for improvement. For instance, the repetition of phrases such as "meaningful" and "mental health" could be diversified to enhance lexical richness. Additionally, certain word choices, like "story expression," could be refined for more precise communication.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider exploring synonyms and alternative expressions. Instead of relying on a few key terms, experiment with varied language to convey your ideas. For instance, in the second paragraph, instead of "story expression," you might use "narrative articulation" for a more sophisticated expression.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage is generally adequate, but there are instances of imprecise language. For example, the phrase "mental proximity" may not be the most precise term to convey the intended meaning. Also, some terms like "happiness hormones" could be specified more precisely, perhaps as endorphins or serotonin.
  • How to improve: Aim for greater precision by selecting words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Instead of using broad terms, opt for specific vocabulary. For instance, replace "mental proximity" with a more precise term such as "emotional connection," and consider specifying the types of hormones involved in the happiness response, like endorphins or serotonin.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances of misspelled words, such as "meet" instead of "meat" and "for it" instead of "forth." These errors, while minor, can impact the overall impression of the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, proofread your work carefully. Pay special attention to homophones and commonly misspelled words. Consider using spelling and grammar-check tools to catch errors that may have been overlooked. Additionally, take the time to review and correct any typos or minor mistakes that could affect the professionalism of your writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. There is an attempt to vary sentence length, but the complexity remains limited. The essay relies heavily on simple and compound sentences. For instance, there is a consistent use of sentence structures like "It is argued that," "On the one hand," and "On the other hand," which, while clear, could benefit from more variety. Additionally, the essay lacks complex sentence structures such as subordinate clauses or intricate grammatical constructions that could enhance overall fluency.
  • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures. Introduce elements like relative clauses, conditional sentences, or varied sentence openings. For instance, instead of starting multiple sentences with "It is," experiment with different sentence beginnings to add sophistication and variety to the essay.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a generally accurate use of grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances of minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. For example, in the sentence, "Without that,people are easily in the mood to give up," there is a missing space between "that" and "people," and the phrase "in the mood to give up" is slightly awkward. Another example is, "Although story expression can be hindered through differences in language or text message clarity," where the phrasing could be improved for better clarity. Punctuation is generally correct, but careful attention is needed to avoid run-on sentences and improve sentence structure.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to sentence construction and phrasing. Proofread for missing spaces, especially after punctuation marks. Additionally, aim for more precision in expressing ideas to avoid awkward or unclear phrasing. Break down complex ideas into clear, concise sentences to improve overall coherence. Consider reviewing rules for punctuation usage, particularly for run-on sentences, to refine the essay’s structure.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates competence in grammatical range and accuracy, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and refining the use of grammar and punctuation for greater clarity and fluency.

Bài sửa mẫu

The argument that online friendships inherently hold less value is a point worth considering. While I acknowledge the reasons behind this assertion, I partially disagree, and I’ll present several reasons for my stance.

On one hand, it’s understandable why some people believe that online friendships lack depth when compared to those formed through face-to-face encounters. There is a perception that such interactions have a limited impact on mental health. Meeting in person allows friends to understand each other better, maintaining the excitement of the friendship and building a stronger bond. Without physical encounters, individuals might be more inclined towards despondency, and online conversations may lack intimacy due to the limited information available about the other person. Consider a study in human psychology as an example; it reveals that physical meetings trigger the release of happiness hormones, significantly influencing mood. This indicates that there is substantial value in real-life friendships, especially concerning mental well-being.

On the other hand, there are numerous compelling reasons supporting the positive significance of online friendships. It can be particularly beneficial for the mental health of individuals facing challenging circumstances without direct avenues for sharing. When these individuals connect with like-minded people online, they can share experiences, which holds profound significance in overcoming psychological depression. Despite potential obstacles in narrative expression due to language disparities or text message clarity, modern social networking sites offer video calling facilities, enabling more meaningful interactions. For instance, in countries where the LGBT community may not be fully recognized, individuals facing challenges can establish online connections with similar friends to share and alleviate stress, illustrating the meaningful nature of such friendships.

In conclusion, despite the previously mentioned drawback associated with online friendships, particularly the perceived lack of depth compared to face-to-face interactions, I contend that their positive impact on mental health prevails in specific instances.