Girls and women in many places in the world are denied access to school and learning. Barrier to girls’ and women’s education are many, for example, religions, political oppressions, poverty, child marriage, gender bias, etc. Article 36 of the United Nations’ Universal Declaration of Human Rights stated that, “Everyone has the right to education.” While many places girls and women are kept out of school, in other places, countries are fighting to difficult batlle to ensure girls and women’s right to education. What effects does giving girls and women access to education have on communities, countries, and the entire world?

Girls and women in many places in the world are denied access to school and learning. Barrier to girls’ and women’s education are many, for example, religions, political oppressions, poverty, child marriage, gender bias, etc. Article 36 of the United Nations’ Universal Declaration of Human Rights stated that, “Everyone has the right to education.” While many places girls and women are kept out of school, in other places, countries are fighting to difficult batlle to ensure girls and women’s right to education.
What effects does giving girls and women access to education have on communities, countries, and the entire world?

Advancements of the world such as contemporary technology, economical development, or educational popularity led to the fulfillment of our lives. Depite those advancements, number of girls and women are still be hindered to access to education. But I strongly believe that enhancing the educational accessibility of girls and women can have positive developments on communities, countries, and the entire world. This essay will discuss this issues through society and economic aspects.
First, the increasingly learning opportunity of girls and women can decrease societal problems. Numerous issues such as people force girls marriage early or teenager girls get pregant are begun from unabling to learn of girls and women. When female have sufficient education and knowledge, they can open their mind and enable to protect themselves from the societal inequality. For instance, countries strongly invest on education such as German and Switzerland have little rate of early marriage and early pregnant. On the contrary, India has a huge rate of societal problems due to the limit access of women to education. Furthermore, family bully is alarming issues in many places, which can be reduced when female enable to approach learning. Women, who do not have enough knowledge, often rely on their husband in finance because they do not have the ability to make money. This is one of a major reason why they do not divorce when facing with family bully. Thus, increasing the educational accessibility can reduce community issues.
Female’s enabling to learn also bring positive impact on countries and the entire world. Countries will be more wealthy when providing female the right to study. When considering countries development, workforce plays a pivotal role. Women with knowledge that have learnt from school, can attend workforce, helping increase and diverse workforce. The number of workforces increase will lead to economic development. Not only that, the more citizen access to knowledge, the more inventions can be invented. Beside men, women also have clever brain in variety aspects that requiring the focus on details. When female were taught about science and technology, they can dedicate in researching new things that can fulfill people well-being. The entire world can also develop at the same time with countries. It can be inferred that countries are tiny details that complement the entire world. Thanks to countries development, the entire world can become a more development planet.
To put it in a nutshell, I pen down saying that, the accessibly educational improvement to girls and women can enhance numerous aspects of communities, countries, and the entire world. Coummunity issues can reduce with high knowledge of people, especially female. Countries can have economic development due to the increase in workforce, and the more invetions from female’s dedication. From that, the entire world can achieve holistic development, which can fulfill well-being of everyone in the world.

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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

1. "Advancements of the world such as contemporary technology, economical development, or educational popularity led to the fulfillment of our lives." -> "Advancements in areas such as modern technology, economic development, and educational accessibility have contributed to the enrichment of our lives."
   Explanation: Replacing "Advancements of the world" with "Advancements in areas such as modern technology" provides a clearer and more precise description. "Economical development" should be replaced with "economic development" for grammatical correctness. "Educational popularity" is vague; "educational accessibility" is a more appropriate term here.

2. "Depite those advancements, number of girls and women are still be hindered to access to education." -> "Despite these advancements, many girls and women still face barriers to accessing education."
   Explanation: "Number of girls and women" should be replaced with "many girls and women" for grammatical accuracy. "Are still be hindered to access to education" should be corrected to "still face barriers to accessing education" for clarity and correctness.

3. "But I strongly believe that enhancing the educational accessibility of girls and women can have positive developments on communities, countries, and the entire world." -> "However, I firmly believe that improving the educational accessibility of girls and women can yield positive developments for communities, nations, and the global community."
   Explanation: "But" is too informal for academic writing; "However" is a more suitable transition word. "Positive developments on communities, countries, and the entire world" is awkward; "positive developments for communities, nations, and the global community" is more precise and formal.

4. "This essay will discuss this issues through society and economic aspects." -> "This essay will examine these issues from societal and economic perspectives."
   Explanation: "This essay will discuss this issues through society and economic aspects" contains grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. "This essay will examine these issues from societal and economic perspectives" is clearer and more concise.

5. "First, the increasingly learning opportunity of girls and women can decrease societal problems." -> "Firstly, the expanding educational opportunities for girls and women can mitigate societal issues."
   Explanation: "Increasingly learning opportunity" is grammatically incorrect; "expanding educational opportunities" is more precise. "Can decrease societal problems" is vague; "can mitigate societal issues" is a stronger and more formal phrase.

6. "Numerous issues such as people force girls marriage early or teenager girls get pregant are begun from unabling to learn of girls and women." -> "Numerous issues such as early forced marriages and teenage pregnancies stem from the lack of educational opportunities for girls and women."
   Explanation: "People force girls marriage early" is grammatically incorrect and awkward; "early forced marriages" is more accurate. "Or teenager girls get pregant" contains a spelling error and should be replaced with "or teenage girls becoming pregnant." "Are begun from unabling to learn of girls and women" is awkward and unclear; "stem from the lack of educational opportunities for girls and women" is more precise and formal.

7. "When female have sufficient education and knowledge, they can open their mind and enable to protect themselves from the societal inequality." -> "When females have sufficient education and knowledge, they can broaden their minds and empower themselves to combat societal inequality."
   Explanation: "When female have sufficient education" contains a grammatical error; "When females have sufficient education" is correct. "Open their mind and enable to protect themselves" is awkward; "broaden their minds and empower themselves" is more natural and formal.

8. "On the contrary, India has a huge rate of societal problems due to the limit access of women to education." -> "Conversely, India faces significant societal challenges due to limited access to education for women."
   Explanation: "On the contrary" is informal; "Conversely" is more appropriate. "Huge rate of societal problems" is vague; "significant societal challenges" is more precise. "Limit access of women to education" should be corrected to "limited access to education for women" for grammatical accuracy.

9. "Furthermore, family bully is alarming issues in many places, which can be reduced when female enable to approach learning." -> "Furthermore, domestic violence is a significant issue in many places, which can be reduced when females are empowered through education."
   Explanation: "Family bully" is not a standard term for domestic violence; "domestic violence" is more appropriate. "Alarming issues" is overly simplistic; "significant issue" is more suitable. "When female enable to approach learning" is awkward; "when females are empowered through education" is clearer and more formal.

10. "Women, who do not have enough knowledge, often rely on their husband in finance because they do not have the ability to make money." -> "Women who lack sufficient education often depend on their husbands financially due to a lack of income-earning opportunities."
    Explanation: "Women, who do not have enough knowledge" is grammatically incorrect; "Women who lack sufficient education" is correct. "Rely on their husband in finance" is awkward; "depend on their husbands financially" is more natural. "Ability to make money" could be replaced with "income-earning opportunities" for clarity and formality.

11. "This is one of a major reason why they do not divorce when facing with family bully." -> "This is one of the major reasons why they do not seek divorce when faced with domestic violence."
    Explanation: "One of a major reason" is grammatically incorrect; "one of the major reasons" is correct. "Do not divorce when facing with family bully" is awkward; "do not seek divorce when faced with domestic violence" is clearer and more formal.

12. "Thus, increasing the educational accessibility can reduce community issues." -> "Thus, improving educational accessibility can alleviate community issues."
    Explanation: "Increasing the educational accessibility" is slightly awkward; "improving educational accessibility" is more concise. "Can reduce community issues" is vague; "can alleviate community issues" is more specific and formal.

13. "Female’s enabling to learn also bring positive impact on countries and the entire world." -> "Women’s access to education also brings positive impacts on countries and the global community."
    Explanation: "Female’s enabling to learn" is awkward; "women’s access to education" is more natural. "Positive impact on countries and the entire world" could be replaced with "positive impacts on countries and the global community" for clarity and formality.

14. "When considering countries development, workforce plays a pivotal role." -> "When considering a country’s development, the workforce plays a pivotal role."
    Explanation: "Countries development" is grammatically incorrect; "a country’s development" is correct. Adding "a" before "country’s development" provides grammatical accuracy.

15. "The number of workforces increase will lead to economic development." -> "The increase in the workforce will lead to economic development."
    Explanation: "The number of workforces increase" is grammatically incorrect; "the increase in the workforce" is correct and more concise.

16. "Not only that, the more citizen access to knowledge, the more inventions can be invented." -> "Moreover, the greater access citizens have to knowledge, the more innovations can be developed."
    Explanation: "Not only that" is informal; "Moreover" is more suitable. "The more citizen access to knowledge" is grammatically incorrect; "the greater

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the prompt by discussing the effects of giving girls and women access to education on communities, countries, and the entire world. It acknowledges various barriers to girls’ and women’s education and provides examples to support the argument.
  • How to improve: To further enhance the response, ensure that each part of the question is explicitly addressed in the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Additionally, provide more specific examples and evidence to strengthen the argument.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, arguing in favor of enhancing educational accessibility for girls and women. The stance is evident from the introduction to the conclusion.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity, consider stating the position more explicitly in the introduction and reaffirming it throughout the essay. Additionally, anticipate and address potential counterarguments to strengthen the position.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to the societal and economic impacts of educating girls and women. However, the development and support of these ideas could be strengthened. While some examples are provided, they lack depth and specificity.
  • How to improve: Extend each idea with more detailed examples, statistics, or case studies to provide stronger support for the argument. Additionally, ensure that each idea is logically connected and elaborated upon to enhance coherence and cohesion.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay stays on topic by discussing the effects of educating girls and women on communities, countries, and the entire world. However, there are instances of tangential discussion, such as mentioning technological advancements and economic development without directly linking them to the main topic.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that every point made directly relates to the prompt and supports the main argument. Avoid introducing tangential topics that do not contribute to the central theme of the essay.

In summary, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and maintains a clear stance, there is room for improvement in providing more specific examples, strengthening the development of ideas, and maintaining focus on the topic throughout the essay. By incorporating these suggestions, the essay can achieve a higher band score for Task Response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear thesis statement in the introduction and follows a structured approach by discussing the effects of enhancing educational accessibility for girls and women on communities, countries, and the world. Each paragraph is dedicated to a specific aspect of the argument, maintaining a logical progression of ideas. For example, societal impacts are discussed first, followed by the effects on countries and then the broader implications for the world.
  • How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider refining the transitions between paragraphs to ensure smoother flow and coherence. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph focuses on one main idea and supports it with relevant examples can strengthen the essay’s overall structure.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively utilizes paragraphs to separate distinct ideas and arguments. Each paragraph begins with a topic sentence that introduces the main point, followed by supporting details and examples. However, there are instances where paragraphs could be more tightly focused on a single idea, such as in the paragraph discussing societal impacts, where both early marriage and family violence are addressed.
  • How to improve: Consider breaking down larger paragraphs into smaller ones, each dedicated to a specific aspect of the argument. This would allow for a more focused discussion and make the essay easier to follow for the reader.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and maintain coherence. Transitional phrases such as "First," and "Furthermore," are used to signal the progression of arguments, while pronouns and referencing words help link sentences within paragraphs. Additionally, cohesive devices like "For instance," and "To put it in a nutshell," are used to introduce examples and summarize key points.
  • How to improve: While the essay effectively uses cohesive devices, expanding the range of transitions and utilizing more sophisticated linking words and phrases can further enhance cohesion. Additionally, ensuring consistent pronoun reference and avoiding repetition of transitional phrases can contribute to a smoother flow of ideas throughout the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some attempt to use varied language. Examples include "advancements," "fulfillment," "hindered," "societal problems," "enable," "inequality," "alarming issues," "workforce," "well-being," "holistic development," etc. However, there is a need for more sophisticated and precise vocabulary to enhance the depth of expression.
  • How to improve: To improve, aim for greater variety and complexity in vocabulary usage. Use more precise and nuanced words to convey ideas. For instance, instead of saying "countries are tiny details," consider using "countries are integral components" or "essential elements."

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay sometimes uses vocabulary precisely, such as "early marriage," "pregnant," "finance," "divorce," "societal problems," etc. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more precise, such as using "financial dependence" instead of "rely on their husband in finance" and "domestic abuse" instead of "family bully."
  • How to improve: Aim for more precise and specific vocabulary to convey ideas accurately. Consider using a thesaurus or dictionary to find more exact words. For example, instead of "alarming issues," you could use "pressing concerns" or "critical problems."

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: There are several spelling errors throughout the essay, such as "Depite" (Despite), "popularity led" (popularity lead), "pregant" (pregnant), "unabling" (unable), "pregant" (pregnant), "communities" (community’s), "coulld" (could), "invetions" (inventions), "Coummunity" (Community), etc.
  • How to improve: It’s essential to review your writing carefully for spelling errors. Use spell-checking tools and take the time to proofread your work before submitting it. Also, be mindful of homophones (words that sound alike but have different meanings or spellings), such as "their" and "there," "your" and "you’re," etc.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates some effort to use a range of vocabulary, there are areas for improvement in terms of precision and spelling accuracy. To enhance your lexical resource score, focus on expanding your vocabulary with more sophisticated and precise language, and pay close attention to spelling and word choice.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. There is a mix of sentence lengths, but some structures are repetitive or overly simplistic, limiting the variety and sophistication of expression. For example, there is a reliance on basic sentence structures like subject-verb-object, with fewer instances of more complex constructions such as conditional sentences or relative clauses. However, some attempts are made to vary sentence structure, such as the use of introductory phrases and clauses.
  • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and variety of the essay, consider incorporating a wider range of sentence structures. Introduce more complex sentence types like conditional sentences, passive constructions, and relative clauses to add depth and sophistication to the writing. Additionally, vary sentence lengths more consistently to create a smoother flow and engage the reader more effectively.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a fairly good grasp of grammar and punctuation, with most sentences structured correctly. However, there are some instances of grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes throughout the essay. For example, there are errors in subject-verb agreement ("number of girls and women are still be hindered"), tense consistency ("Female’s enabling to learn also bring"), and punctuation misuse (e.g., missing commas in compound sentences). Additionally, there are awkward phrasings and word choice issues that affect clarity and coherence.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, it’s important to review and practice key grammar rules and punctuation conventions. Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and the appropriate use of commas, periods, and other punctuation marks. Proofreading carefully can help catch errors and improve overall clarity. Additionally, focus on using precise and appropriate vocabulary to convey ideas more effectively and avoid awkward phrasings that may confuse the reader. Consider seeking feedback from peers or instructors to identify areas for improvement and refine your writing skills.

Bài sửa mẫu

Advancements in areas such as modern technology, economic development, and educational accessibility have contributed to enriching our lives. Despite these advancements, many girls and women still face barriers to accessing education. However, I firmly believe that improving the educational accessibility of girls and women can yield positive developments for communities, nations, and the global community. This essay will examine these issues from societal and economic perspectives.

Firstly, the expanding educational opportunities for girls and women can mitigate societal issues. Numerous issues such as early forced marriages and teenage pregnancies stem from the lack of educational opportunities for girls and women. When females have sufficient education and knowledge, they can broaden their minds and empower themselves to combat societal inequality. Conversely, India faces significant societal challenges due to limited access to education for women. Furthermore, domestic violence is a significant issue in many places, which can be reduced when females are empowered through education. Women who lack sufficient education often depend on their husbands financially due to a lack of income-earning opportunities. This is one of the major reasons why they do not seek divorce when faced with domestic violence. Thus, improving educational accessibility can alleviate community issues.

Women’s access to education also brings positive impacts on countries and the global community. When considering a country’s development, the workforce plays a pivotal role. The increase in the workforce will lead to economic development. Moreover, the greater access citizens have to knowledge, the more innovations can be developed. For instance, countries like Germany and Switzerland, which strongly invest in education, have lower rates of early marriage and teenage pregnancy. On the contrary, India, with its limited access to education for women, faces significant societal problems. Besides, family bullying is an alarming issue in many places, which can be reduced when females have access to education. Women who lack sufficient knowledge often rely on their husbands financially because they lack the ability to earn money. This is a major reason why they do not seek divorce when faced with family bullying. Thus, increasing educational accessibility can reduce community issues.

Female empowerment through education also has positive impacts on countries and the entire world. Countries become wealthier when women are given the right to study. When considering a country’s development, the workforce plays a pivotal role. Educated women can contribute to the workforce, thereby diversifying and expanding it. The increase in the workforce leads to economic development. Additionally, the more citizens have access to knowledge, the more inventions can be made. Women, like men, possess intelligence and skills in various fields that require attention to detail. When women are educated in science and technology, they can contribute to researching new things that enhance people’s well-being. The entire world can also develop alongside countries. It can be inferred that countries are the building blocks that contribute to the development of the entire world. Thanks to the development of countries, the entire world can become a more developed planet.

In conclusion, improving educational accessibility for girls and women can enhance numerous aspects of communities, countries, and the entire world. Community issues can be reduced with higher levels of education, especially for females. Countries can experience economic development due to an increased workforce and more inventions resulting from female dedication. Consequently, the entire world can achieve holistic development, contributing to the well-being of everyone globally.