Given the great demands of people and some hobbies-related reasons, travelling to mountainous areas seems to be more and more widespread. However, this trend has brought some detrimental effects to the local people in terms of their environment and culture. Because of that, this essay will present some of the drawbacks and consequences which are caused by this phenomenon, with explanation and examples. First, natural associated problems might be one of the most significant issues which should be paid great attention to. This is because when more tourists come to these remote areas, more litter will be thrown, more waste will be dump and more carbon dioxide will be released from transportation. All of them will lead to, for example, a great amount of species facing habitat destruction as the pollution rate rises . As a result, extinction will become more popular among these animals and problem that need solved by the government and authorities. Apart from that, life of residents living here will have to encounter a great deal of problems, most of which are related to their health. Considering the pollution, contaminated water and unreliable sources of food will be more and more equivalent. This will eventually result in more lethal diseases which will harm mountainous people’s life. Moreover, the loss of traditional cultures should be placed as the most significant problem. When it comes to culture, this is what makes individuals and communities stand out, this is what attracts visitors. However, due to the needs for money and expenditure to satisfy local people needs. These people seem to adopt a lifestyle in which they abandon their tradition and change it according to the demands of customers. Nevertheless, human’s needs will disappear by time which means these tourists will no longer need to enjoy the unique traditions of these mountainous people. As a result, the local will have to face more notable problems including culture loss and lack of expenditure. Take, for example, the conventional costumes of some ethnic in Viet Nam. Usually, these sellers will sell their traditional costumes as souvenirs for their visitors. However, after realizing the needs for other commodities such as toys, beverages or foods, they will try to import these products to retail them in order to have high incomes. This, however, leads to costumers feeling tedious because they have seen these products everywhere and they will lose their interests, accordingly. All the problems related to finance and culture are all stem from this occurrence. In short, introducing tourism to remote area is a pessimistic advancement as it will not only damage these environment comprehensively which will lead to local residents’ life quality reducing and animals extinction, but also be the root for later issues which are related to finance and loss of cultures.

Given the great demands of people and some hobbies-related reasons, travelling to mountainous areas seems to be more and more widespread. However, this trend has brought some detrimental effects to the local people in terms of their environment and culture. Because of that, this essay will present some of the drawbacks and consequences which are caused by this phenomenon, with explanation and examples.

First, natural associated problems might be one of the most significant issues which should be paid great attention to. This is because when more tourists come to these remote areas, more litter will be thrown, more waste will be dump and more carbon dioxide will be released from transportation. All of them will lead to, for example, a great amount of species facing habitat destruction as the pollution rate rises . As a result, extinction will become more popular among these animals and problem that need solved by the government and authorities. Apart from that, life of residents living here will have to encounter a great deal of problems, most of which are related to their health. Considering the pollution, contaminated water and unreliable sources of food will be more and more equivalent. This will eventually result in more lethal diseases which will harm mountainous people’s life.

Moreover, the loss of traditional cultures should be placed as the most significant problem. When it comes to culture, this is what makes individuals and communities stand out, this is what attracts visitors. However, due to the needs for money and expenditure to satisfy local people needs. These people seem to adopt a lifestyle in which they abandon their tradition and change it according to the demands of customers. Nevertheless, human’s needs will disappear by time which means these tourists will no longer need to enjoy the unique traditions of these mountainous people. As a result, the local will have to face more notable problems including culture loss and lack of expenditure. Take, for example, the conventional costumes of some ethnic in Viet Nam. Usually, these sellers will sell their traditional costumes as souvenirs for their visitors. However, after realizing the needs for other commodities such as toys, beverages or foods, they will try to import these products to retail them in order to have high incomes. This, however, leads to costumers feeling tedious because they have seen these products everywhere and they will lose their interests, accordingly. All the problems related to finance and culture are all stem from this occurrence.

In short, introducing tourism to remote area is a pessimistic advancement as it will not only damage these environment comprehensively which will lead to local residents’ life quality reducing and animals extinction, but also be the root for later issues which are related to finance and loss of cultures.

Given the great demands of people and some hobbies-related reasons, travelling to mountainous areas seems to be more and more widespread. However, this trend has brought some detrimental effects to the local people in terms of their environment and culture. Because of that, this essay will present some of the drawbacks and consequences which are caused by this phenomenon, with explanation and examples.

First, natural associated problems might be one of the most significant issues which should be paid great attention to. This is because when more tourists come to these remote areas, more litter will be thrown, more waste will be dump and more carbon dioxide will be released from transportation. All of them will lead to, for example, a great amount of species facing habitat destruction as the pollution rate rises . As a result, extinction will become more popular among these animals and problem that need solved by the government and authorities. Apart from that, life of residents living here will have to encounter a great deal of problems, most of which are related to their health. Considering the pollution, contaminated water and unreliable sources of food will be more and more equivalent. This will eventually result in more lethal diseases which will harm mountainous people’s life.

Moreover, the loss of traditional cultures should be placed as the most significant problem. When it comes to culture, this is what makes individuals and communities stand out, this is what attracts visitors. However, due to the needs for money and expenditure to satisfy local people needs. These people seem to adopt a lifestyle in which they abandon their tradition and change it according to the demands of customers. Nevertheless, human’s needs will disappear by time which means these tourists will no longer need to enjoy the unique traditions of these mountainous people. As a result, the local will have to face more notable problems including culture loss and lack of expenditure. Take, for example, the conventional costumes of some ethnic in Viet Nam. Usually, these sellers will sell their traditional costumes as souvenirs for their visitors. However, after realizing the needs for other commodities such as toys, beverages or foods, they will try to import these products to retail them in order to have high incomes. This, however, leads to costumers feeling tedious because they have seen these products everywhere and they will lose their interests, accordingly. All the problems related to finance and culture are all stem from this occurrence.

In short, introducing tourism to remote area is a pessimistic advancement as it will not only damage these environment comprehensively which will lead to local residents’ life quality reducing and animals extinction, but also be the root for later issues which are related to finance and loss of cultures.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Given the great demands of people and some hobbies-related reasons" -> "Given the increasing demands of travelers and certain recreational activities"
   Explanation: The phrase "great demands of people" is vague and informal. "Increasing demands of travelers" is more precise and formal, and "certain recreational activities" is a clearer and more academic way to refer to hobbies.

2. "travelling to mountainous areas seems to be more and more widespread" -> "travel to mountainous regions is becoming increasingly popular"
   Explanation: "Seems to be more and more widespread" is informal and imprecise. "Is becoming increasingly popular" is more direct and formal, suitable for academic writing.

3. "this trend has brought some detrimental effects" -> "this trend has yielded several detrimental effects"
   Explanation: "Some" is too vague; "several" provides a more specific number, enhancing the formality and precision of the statement.

4. "natural associated problems" -> "natural environmental problems"
   Explanation: "Natural associated problems" is unclear and awkward. "Natural environmental problems" is a clearer and more formal expression.

5. "more litter will be thrown, more waste will be dump and more carbon dioxide will be released" -> "more litter will be discarded, more waste will be dumped, and more carbon dioxide will be emitted"
   Explanation: "Thrown" and "dump" are less formal and incorrect in this context. "Discarded," "dumped," and "emitted" are the correct and formal terms.

6. "a great amount of species facing habitat destruction" -> "a significant number of species facing habitat destruction"
   Explanation: "A great amount" is informal and imprecise. "A significant number" is more specific and formal.

7. "problem that need solved" -> "problems that need to be solved"
   Explanation: "Problem that need solved" is grammatically incorrect. "Problems that need to be solved" corrects the grammar and enhances formality.

8. "life of residents living here will have to encounter a great deal of problems" -> "the lives of residents in these areas will face numerous challenges"
   Explanation: "Life of residents living here will have to encounter a great deal of problems" is awkward and informal. "The lives of residents in these areas will face numerous challenges" is more formal and flows better.

9. "more lethal diseases which will harm mountainous people’s life" -> "more severe diseases that will affect the health of mountainous residents"
   Explanation: "Lethal diseases which will harm mountainous people’s life" is awkward and informal. "More severe diseases that will affect the health of mountainous residents" is clearer and more formal.

10. "the loss of traditional cultures should be placed as the most significant problem" -> "the loss of traditional cultures should be considered the most significant issue"
    Explanation: "Should be placed as" is incorrect and informal. "Should be considered the most significant issue" is grammatically correct and formal.

11. "due to the needs for money and expenditure to satisfy local people needs" -> "due to the need for financial support and resources to meet the needs of local residents"
    Explanation: "Needs for money and expenditure to satisfy local people needs" is awkward and repetitive. "Need for financial support and resources to meet the needs of local residents" is clearer and more formal.

12. "human’s needs will disappear by time" -> "human needs will cease over time"
    Explanation: "Human’s needs will disappear by time" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "Human needs will cease over time" corrects the grammar and enhances formality.

13. "costumers feeling tedious" -> "customers feeling bored"
    Explanation: "Costumers" is a typo and "tedious" is not the correct term here. "Customers feeling bored" corrects the typo and uses the appropriate adjective.

14. "introducing tourism to remote area" -> "introducing tourism to remote areas"
    Explanation: "Remote area" should be plural to match the context of multiple areas being discussed.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing the detrimental effects of increased tourism in mountainous areas, specifically focusing on environmental and cultural impacts. The first body paragraph outlines environmental issues such as pollution and habitat destruction, while the second paragraph discusses the loss of traditional cultures. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit connection to the prompt’s mention of "drawbacks and consequences," as some points are not fully developed or linked back to the overarching theme of consequences.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that each point made is clearly tied back to the consequences of tourism. For example, when discussing pollution, explicitly state how it affects local communities and ecosystems. Additionally, including a brief summary of the main points in the conclusion could reinforce the connection to the prompt.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against the expansion of tourism in mountainous areas, consistently highlighting the negative impacts. However, there are moments where the phrasing becomes convoluted, which may obscure the position slightly. For instance, the phrase "pessimistic advancement" could be clearer if rephrased to directly state that tourism is detrimental rather than ambiguous.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, the writer should use straightforward language and avoid complex phrasing. Additionally, reiterating the main argument in different sections of the essay can help reinforce the stance. For example, restating the negative impacts in the conclusion can solidify the position.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents relevant ideas and supports them with examples, such as the impact of pollution on wildlife and the shift in local cultures. However, some ideas could be elaborated further. For instance, the discussion on health issues related to pollution is mentioned but not thoroughly explored, leaving the reader wanting more detail on how these health issues manifest.
  • How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations. For instance, when discussing health issues, specific diseases or statistics could be included to give weight to the argument. Additionally, expanding on the cultural implications of losing traditional practices could provide a more comprehensive view of the issue.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the negative effects of tourism on the environment and culture. However, there are instances where the argument becomes slightly unfocused, such as the discussion about local sellers shifting to selling imported goods. While relevant, the connection to the broader theme of cultural loss could be clearer.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each point directly relates back to the main argument. It may help to outline the essay before writing to ensure that all points contribute to the central theme. Additionally, using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can help guide the reader and reinforce the main focus of the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, enhancing clarity, depth, and coherence will elevate the overall quality and effectiveness of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the main argument and the issues to be discussed. Each paragraph addresses a specific drawback of tourism in mountainous areas, with the first focusing on environmental concerns and the second on cultural impacts. The logical progression from one point to the next is generally effective, allowing the reader to follow the argument easily. However, some sentences could be more concise to enhance clarity, such as the phrase "this is what makes individuals and communities stand out, this is what attracts visitors," which could be streamlined for better flow.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences that directly state the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, ensure that each point is fully developed before moving on to the next. For example, the transition between the environmental issues and cultural impacts could be made smoother by explicitly linking how environmental degradation might influence cultural practices.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is crucial for readability. Each paragraph is focused on a distinct aspect of the argument, which helps maintain coherence. However, the second paragraph could benefit from clearer internal structure, as it contains multiple ideas that could be broken down into more focused sentences. For instance, the discussion about the loss of traditional culture could be more effectively segmented to highlight specific examples and their implications.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence followed by supporting sentences that elaborate on that idea. Consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller ones if they contain multiple ideas. This will help maintain focus and make it easier for readers to digest the information presented.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "first," "moreover," and "in short," which help guide the reader through the argument. However, some sentences lack appropriate linking words, which can disrupt the flow. For instance, the phrase "as a result" is used effectively, but other transitions could be improved to clarify relationships between ideas, such as using "for example" more consistently when introducing specific instances.
  • How to improve: To diversify and effectively use cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking phrases that indicate contrast, addition, and cause-effect relationships. For example, instead of repeatedly using "moreover," consider alternatives like "in addition," "furthermore," or "on the other hand" to enhance variety. Additionally, ensure that every example is clearly connected to the main point of the paragraph to reinforce cohesion.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, with clear organization and effective use of paragraphs. By focusing on refining transitions and enhancing the clarity of ideas within paragraphs, the essay could achieve an even higher level of coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "detrimental effects," "habitat destruction," and "traditional cultures." However, the use of phrases such as "great demands of people" and "more and more widespread" indicates a reliance on common expressions rather than a broader vocabulary. The phrase "pessimistic advancement" is somewhat contradictory, as "advancement" typically has a positive connotation, which could confuse readers.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should aim to incorporate more varied and sophisticated synonyms and expressions. For instance, instead of "great demands," alternatives like "increasing expectations" or "growing interests" could be used. Additionally, the writer could explore more precise language to convey ideas, such as using "economic pressures" instead of "needs for money."

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay includes some precise terms, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, "more waste will be dump" should be "more waste will be dumped," indicating a grammatical error that affects clarity. The phrase "life of residents living here will have to encounter a great deal of problems" could be simplified to "residents will face numerous problems," which is clearer and more direct.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on grammatical accuracy and clarity. Proofreading for verb forms and sentence structure can help. Additionally, using clearer phrases can enhance understanding; for instance, replacing "the local will have to face more notable problems" with "locals will confront significant challenges" would improve clarity.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains correct spelling, but there are a few errors that detract from the overall quality. For example, "dump" should be "dumped," and "costumers" should be "customers." These errors indicate a lack of attention to detail in proofreading.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should adopt a systematic proofreading approach. Reading the essay aloud can help catch errors that may be overlooked when reading silently. Additionally, using spell-check tools or writing practice focused on commonly misspelled words can be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling will help elevate the Lexical Resource score. Focusing on these areas will enhance the clarity and sophistication of the writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of complex sentences such as "As a result, extinction will become more popular among these animals and problem that need solved by the government and authorities" shows an attempt to convey intricate ideas. However, there are instances where sentence structures could be more varied. For example, the phrase "more litter will be thrown, more waste will be dump and more carbon dioxide will be released" could be restructured for better flow and clarity.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer could incorporate more varied conjunctions and transition phrases to connect ideas. For example, instead of repeatedly starting sentences with "more," the writer could use phrases like "In addition," or "Furthermore," to introduce new points. Additionally, experimenting with different sentence openings, such as starting with adverbial clauses (e.g., "Due to the increase in tourism,") could add complexity and variety.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a reasonable level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that detract from clarity. For instance, the phrase "more waste will be dump" should be corrected to "more waste will be dumped." Additionally, punctuation errors, such as the unnecessary space before the period in "as the pollution rate rises ." and the comma splice in "However, due to the needs for money and expenditure to satisfy local people needs." affect the overall readability. The use of articles is inconsistent, as seen in "the local will have to face more notable problems" where "the" should be omitted.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should review verb forms and ensure they match the subject in number and tense. Regular practice with grammar exercises focused on verb forms and punctuation rules can also be beneficial. Reading more academic essays can help the writer internalize correct grammatical structures and punctuation usage. Additionally, proofreading the essay for common errors before submission would help catch mistakes that could lower the score.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a commendable effort in using a range of grammatical structures and maintaining a generally accurate use of grammar and punctuation, attention to detail and further diversification of sentence structures will enhance the overall quality and clarity of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Given the increasing demands of travelers and certain recreational activities, traveling to mountainous areas seems to be becoming more and more widespread. However, this trend has brought several detrimental effects to the local people in terms of their environment and culture. Therefore, this essay will present some of the drawbacks and consequences caused by this phenomenon, with explanations and examples.

First, natural environmental problems might be one of the most significant issues that should receive great attention. This is because when more tourists visit these remote areas, more litter will be discarded, more waste will be dumped, and more carbon dioxide will be emitted from transportation. All of these factors will lead to a significant number of species facing habitat destruction as pollution levels rise. As a result, extinction will become increasingly common among these animals, creating problems that need to be solved by the government and authorities. Apart from that, the lives of residents living in these areas will face numerous challenges, most of which are related to their health. Considering the pollution, contaminated water and unreliable sources of food will become more prevalent. This will eventually result in more severe diseases that will affect the health of mountainous residents.

Moreover, the loss of traditional cultures should be considered the most significant issue. When it comes to culture, this is what makes individuals and communities stand out; it is what attracts visitors. However, due to the need for financial support and resources to meet the needs of local residents, these people seem to adopt a lifestyle in which they abandon their traditions and alter them according to the demands of customers. Nevertheless, human needs will cease over time, which means these tourists will no longer desire to enjoy the unique traditions of these mountainous people. As a result, the locals will have to face more notable problems, including cultural loss and a lack of financial resources. For example, the conventional costumes of some ethnic groups in Vietnam are often sold as souvenirs for visitors. However, after realizing the demand for other commodities such as toys, beverages, or food, they will try to import these products to retail them in order to achieve higher incomes. This, however, leads to customers feeling bored because they have seen these products everywhere, resulting in a loss of interest. All the problems related to finance and culture stem from this occurrence.

In short, introducing tourism to remote areas is a pessimistic advancement as it will not only comprehensively damage the environment, leading to a reduction in the quality of life for local residents and animal extinction, but it will also be the root of later issues related to finance and the loss of cultures.