Happiness is considered very important in life. Is money key to happiness? What factors are important in achieving happiness?

In modern life, happiness in an essential part of living, and people cannot identify similarly. Some consider that material wealth is a valuable happiness, while others believe that it is defined by the relation between emotions and feelings themselves. In this essay, we will discuss some valuable things that create a happy life.
The felicity has a various way to be explained and it depends on each thought of person. Many support the view that people can feel happy when they have both good emotions and wealth in their lives. Money has become an important thing nowadays and people always believe a good passion must come with a high material life. Besides, some good emotions are also indispensable in life. For example, a rich family usually feels cold in their house, and they want to some sincere feelings same with the normal family, contract, a family has difficult finances, they always focus on earning money and they see everything as very hard to find happiness. Therefore, materials and emotion are two things that need to complement each other in our lives.
On the other hand, acceptance is also a part of happiness in life. People are often not satisfied with everything at present, they start to find new things everywhere and they will forget something that can make them blissful. In the development of the world, people always want to buy some luxury things because they trust it can bring happiness in the future and they don't care how they want to live. For instance, they earn more money, they must try hard to work and they don't feel it will be enough for them. This idea curses do not happy in living and they use all their time for working instead of feeling themselves. Therefore, the element of happiness is our acceptance of enough in life.
Finally, in modern life, happiness has become a worthy thing for everyone. People can not define it completely but if we live and think correctly, happiness will come with us. We have many factors to bring fun in life and the most factors are balance and acceptance.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"happiness in an essential part of living" -> "happiness is an essential aspect of existence"
Explanation: Replacing "part of living" with "aspect of existence" elevates the language to a more formal tone and emphasizes the significance of happiness in life.
"people cannot identify similarly" -> "people have varying perceptions"
Explanation: "Cannot identify similarly" is unclear and lacks precision. "Varying perceptions" clarifies that people have different understandings of happiness.
"consider that material wealth is a valuable happiness" -> "believe that material wealth leads to happiness"
Explanation: "Valuable happiness" is an awkward phrase. "Leads to happiness" is a clearer and more direct expression.
"the relation between emotions and feelings themselves" -> "the relationship between emotions and feelings"
Explanation: Simplifying "the relation between emotions and feelings themselves" to "the relationship between emotions and feelings" maintains clarity without unnecessary complexity.
"The felicity has a various way to be explained" -> "Happiness can be explained in various ways"
Explanation: "The felicity has a various way to be explained" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Happiness can be explained in various ways" is clearer and more concise.
"Many support the view that people can feel happy" -> "Many subscribe to the belief that happiness"
Explanation: "Support the view that people can feel happy" is redundant. "Subscribe to the belief that happiness" is more concise and direct.
"good emotions" -> "positive emotions"
Explanation: "Good emotions" is vague and colloquial. "Positive emotions" is more precise and formal.
"Money has become an important thing nowadays" -> "Money has become increasingly significant in contemporary society"
Explanation: "Important thing nowadays" is too informal. "Increasingly significant in contemporary society" maintains formality and clarity.
"they want to some sincere feelings same with the normal family" -> "they desire genuine emotions similar to those experienced by typical families"
Explanation: "They want to some sincere feelings same with the normal family" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "They desire genuine emotions similar to those experienced by typical families" clarifies the intended meaning.
"contract, a family has difficult finances" -> "contrast, a family experiencing financial hardship"
Explanation: "Contract" is used incorrectly. "Contrast" provides the appropriate transition. "A family has difficult finances" is awkward; "experiencing financial hardship" is more concise and precise.
"they always focus on earning money and they see everything as very hard to find happiness" -> "they constantly prioritize earning money and perceive everything as obstacles to happiness"
Explanation: "They always focus on earning money" lacks nuance. "They constantly prioritize earning money" provides a clearer understanding. "See everything as very hard to find happiness" is awkward; "perceive everything as obstacles to happiness" is more precise.
"acceptance is also a part of happiness in life" -> "acceptance is integral to happiness"
Explanation: "Also a part of happiness in life" is redundant. "Integral to happiness" conveys the same meaning more concisely.
"they will forget something that can make them blissful" -> "they may overlook sources of bliss"
Explanation: "They will forget something that can make them blissful" is awkward and unclear. "They may overlook sources of bliss" is more concise and precise.
"they trust it can bring happiness in the future" -> "they believe it will bring future happiness"
Explanation: "They trust it can bring happiness in the future" is awkward. "They believe it will bring future happiness" is clearer and more direct.
"This idea curses do not happy in living" -> "This mindset hinders one’s ability to find happiness in life"
Explanation: "This idea curses do not happy in living" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "This mindset hinders one’s ability to find happiness in life" provides a clearer understanding.
"the element of happiness is our acceptance of enough in life" -> "a key component of happiness is accepting sufficiency in life"
Explanation: "The element of happiness is our acceptance of enough in life" is awkward. "A key component of happiness is accepting sufficiency in life" is clearer and more concise.
"happiness has become a worthy thing for everyone" -> "happiness has become a universal pursuit"
Explanation: "Happiness has become a worthy thing for everyone" is unclear and colloquial. "Happiness has become a universal pursuit" is more formal and precise.
"but if we live and think correctly" -> "if we adopt a mindful approach to living and thinking"
Explanation: "But if we live and think correctly" is too simplistic. "If we adopt a mindful approach to living and thinking" conveys a more sophisticated idea.
"We have many factors to bring fun in life" -> "Numerous factors contribute to life’s enjoyment"
Explanation: "We have many factors to bring fun in life" is informal. "Numerous factors contribute to life’s enjoyment" maintains formality and clarity.
"balance and acceptance" -> "equilibrium and acceptance"
Explanation: "Balance and acceptance" is too simplistic. "Equilibrium and acceptance" adds a more sophisticated touch to the conclusion.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address all parts of the question by discussing the importance of happiness, whether money is essential for happiness, and factors contributing to happiness. However, the discussion lacks depth and clarity in some areas, particularly in defining happiness and exploring the relationship between money and happiness.
- How to improve: To enhance task response, the essay should provide a clearer and more comprehensive analysis of the relationship between money and happiness, as well as a more nuanced exploration of the factors influencing happiness. Providing specific examples and elaborating on different perspectives would strengthen the response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat clear position on the topic, acknowledging the importance of both material wealth and emotional well-being for happiness. However, the stance is not consistently maintained throughout the essay, as there are instances where the argument appears ambiguous or lacks coherence.
- How to improve: To improve clarity and consistency, the essay should clearly state its position on whether money is essential for happiness and provide cohesive arguments to support this stance. Avoiding contradictory statements and ensuring a logical flow of ideas would enhance the presentation of the position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to happiness, including the role of both material wealth and emotional satisfaction. However, these ideas are not adequately developed or supported with evidence or examples. Additionally, the essay lacks coherence in transitioning between ideas.
- How to improve: To strengthen the presentation of ideas, the essay should provide more detailed explanations and concrete examples to support each point. Additionally, enhancing the coherence of the essay through clear transitions between ideas would improve the overall structure and readability.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by addressing the importance of happiness, the role of money in happiness, and factors contributing to happiness. However, there are instances where the discussion deviates or lacks focus, particularly in the clarity of defining happiness and exploring its relationship with material wealth.
- How to improve: To maintain focus on the topic, the essay should ensure that each paragraph directly contributes to the discussion of happiness, avoiding tangential or irrelevant points. Providing clear definitions and staying consistent with the central argument would help maintain relevance to the topic.

Overall, while the essay addresses the prompt and presents some insightful points regarding happiness, there is room for improvement in clarity, coherence, and depth of analysis. By providing clearer explanations, developing ideas with supporting evidence, and maintaining focus on the topic, the essay could enhance its effectiveness in addressing the task requirements and achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of ideas. It starts with an introduction that sets up the discussion about happiness and money, followed by body paragraphs discussing different perspectives on happiness. However, there are instances where the flow of ideas could be smoother. For example, the transition between discussing wealth and emotions in the first body paragraph could be clearer.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Consider using clearer topic sentences to guide the reader through each paragraph and better connect them to the main thesis of the essay.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs to separate different points, which is a positive aspect. However, some paragraphs are overly long and could be more effectively broken down to improve readability and clarity. For instance, the second body paragraph contains multiple ideas about the pursuit of wealth and its impact on happiness, which could be better presented in separate paragraphs.
- How to improve: Aim for shorter paragraphs, each focusing on a single main idea or aspect of the argument. This will improve the structure of the essay and make it easier for the reader to follow the progression of ideas.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic use of cohesive devices such as pronouns ("it," "they") and conjunctions ("while," "therefore"). However, there is limited variety in the types of cohesive devices used, and their effectiveness in enhancing coherence could be improved. Additionally, some sentences lack clarity due to ambiguous reference.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range such as transitional phrases ("on the other hand," "for instance") and cohesive ties ("this," "these"). Pay attention to pronoun reference clarity to ensure that each pronoun clearly refers to a specific antecedent, avoiding ambiguity and enhancing coherence. Also, ensure consistency in the use of cohesive devices throughout the essay for smoother connectivity between ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a variety of vocabulary, but there is inconsistency in the accuracy and appropriacy of word choice. For example, phrases like "the felicity has a various way to be explained" and "the element of happiness is our acceptance of enough in life" show an attempt to use more complex vocabulary, but they lack clarity and precision.
- How to improve: To improve, focus on using vocabulary more precisely and appropriately. Instead of forcing complex expressions, strive for clarity and accuracy. For example, in the phrase "the felicity has a various way to be explained," consider using "happiness can be understood in various ways" for clearer expression. Be mindful of context and ensure that vocabulary choices are well-suited to the content.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances where vocabulary is used imprecisely, which affects the clarity and effectiveness of communication. For instance, "contract, a family has difficult finances" is unclear and could be improved for better precision.
- How to improve: Aim for more precise vocabulary choices. For example, replace "contract" with "in contrast" and "blissful" with "happy" for better clarity. Be mindful of the exact meanings of words and how they fit into the sentence structure.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay shows an attempt at accuracy in spelling, but there are several errors throughout the text. For instance, "felicity" instead of "happiness," "curse" instead of "causes," and "fun" instead of "happiness."
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider using a spell-checker or reviewing written work more carefully. It may also be helpful to practice spelling words that are commonly misspelled. Additionally, pay attention to the context in which words are used to ensure that the correct words are chosen.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with attempts at more complex expressions and varying degrees of precision and spelling accuracy. To achieve a higher score, focus on using vocabulary that is more precise and accurately spelled, ensuring that the choice of words enhances rather than complicates the message.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there’s a tendency towards simpler structures, with some sentences lacking complexity and variety. For instance, the essay frequently uses simple subject-verb-object constructions without incorporating more sophisticated sentence patterns like conditional sentences or inversion for emphasis.
- How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and variety of structures, try incorporating more complex sentence structures. Introduce conditional sentences to speculate or present hypothetical situations, such as "If one were to prioritize experiences over possessions, they might find greater fulfillment." Additionally, experiment with inversion to add emphasis or stylistic variation, such as "Not until we learn to appreciate the simple joys of life can true happiness be achieved."
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of grammatical accuracy, but there are noticeable errors throughout the text. These errors include subject-verb agreement issues ("happiness in an essential part"), tense inconsistencies ("money has become" should be "money has become" for parallelism), and punctuation mistakes (missing commas in compound sentences, e.g., "In modern life, happiness has become a worthy thing for everyone").
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement and maintain consistency in verb tenses throughout the essay. Proofreading for punctuation errors, especially in compound sentences where commas are needed to separate independent clauses, will help enhance clarity and readability. Consider using grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers to identify and correct recurring grammatical issues.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of grammar and sentence structures, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence patterns and enhancing grammatical accuracy. Incorporating a wider range of sentence structures and addressing recurring grammatical errors will contribute to a more polished and sophisticated writing style.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary society, happiness is deemed an indispensable component of existence, with varying interpretations among individuals. While some equate it with material wealth, others contend that it stems from emotional fulfillment. In this essay, we shall explore key determinants of a joyful life.

The concept of happiness is subjective, varying from person to person. Many argue that a combination of positive emotions and financial prosperity leads to contentment. In today’s world, money holds significant importance, often intertwined with the pursuit of passion. However, emotional well-being is equally crucial. For instance, affluent families may lack warmth and genuine connections, yearning for the simplicity found in ordinary households. Conversely, financially struggling families may fixate solely on monetary concerns, overlooking the joy found in shared experiences. Thus, a harmonious blend of material wealth and emotional satisfaction is essential for a fulfilling life.

Moreover, contentment is intertwined with acceptance. Human nature often propels individuals to seek more, disregarding present blessings. Amidst societal progress, there’s a perpetual desire for luxury, driven by the misconception that it guarantees future happiness. Consequently, individuals become ensnared in a cycle of relentless pursuit, sacrificing leisure and self-reflection. Hence, genuine happiness lies in embracing sufficiency and appreciating life’s blessings.

In conclusion, happiness holds profound significance in modern society, albeit its definition remains subjective. By striking a balance between material possessions and emotional fulfillment, and cultivating a mindset of contentment, individuals can attain true happiness. Ultimately, it is through equilibrium and acceptance that the path to joy is paved.