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he chart below shows the percentage of households owning four types of electronic devices between 1995 and 2015.

he chart below shows the percentage of households owning four types of electronic devices between 1995 and 2015.

The given line graph illustrates the proportions of families possessing four different types of gadgets over a period of 20 years commencing in 1995. Those gadgets were the MP3 players, the mobile phones, the computers and the tablets. In general, it is evident that all 4 figures showed an upward trend and the most outstanding raising pattern was the one of mobile phone.
Taking a closer look at 1995, there were around 18 percent of households have the MP3 player ownerships. In the same year, computers and mobile phones were possessed by a lower position which is nearly 9 percent of family units whereas the figure for tablets was non-existence. Five years later, mobile phones and computers overtook mp3 players as the core goods in use.
From 1995 to 2000, the proportion of families using mobile phone increased dramatically and continues to raise gradually before reached a peak at around 100 in 2015. The figure for computers saw a considerable climb throughout the whole time while the one of MP3 players grown relatively slight between 18 percent to only 41 percent. It was not until the middle of the period of time between 2000 and 2005 that the appearance of tablets and the ratio of households started using it increased steadily during 5 years before the significant raise to 83 percent in 2015.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "possessing four different types of gadgets" -> "owning four distinct categories of devices"
    Explanation: Replacing "possessing" with "owning" and "gadgets" with "distinct categories of devices" elevates the formality of the sentence by using more precise and varied vocabulary.

  2. "raising pattern was the one of mobile phone" -> "ascendant trend was most pronounced in mobile phones"
    Explanation: Substituting "raising pattern" with "ascendant trend" and rephrasing to "most pronounced in mobile phones" enhances the sophistication of the language and clarifies the intended meaning.

  3. "around 18 percent of households have the MP3 player ownerships" -> "approximately 18 percent of households possessed MP3 players"
    Explanation: Changing "have" to "possessed" and "MP3 player ownerships" to "MP3 players" results in a more grammatically accurate and formal expression.

  4. "lower position which is nearly 9 percent of family units" -> "a lower percentage, approximately 9 percent of households"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and precision by replacing "lower position which is" with "a lower percentage, approximately" and "family units" with "households."

  5. "mobile phones and computers overtook mp3 players as the core goods in use" -> "mobile phones and computers surpassed MP3 players as the predominant technological commodities"
    Explanation: Substituting "overtook" with "surpassed," and "core goods in use" with "predominant technological commodities" enhances the sophistication and precision of the description.

  6. "the proportion of families using mobile phone increased dramatically" -> "the percentage of households utilizing mobile phones surged significantly"
    Explanation: Replacing "the proportion of families using mobile phone increased dramatically" with "the percentage of households utilizing mobile phones surged significantly" provides a more precise and formal expression.

  7. "figure for computers saw a considerable climb" -> "the statistic for computers experienced a substantial ascent"
    Explanation: Substituting "figure" with "statistic" and "climb" with "ascent" contributes to a more formal and specific description of the data.

  8. "one of MP3 players grown relatively slight" -> "the growth of MP3 players was relatively modest"
    Explanation: Correcting the tense and using "modest" instead of "slight" provides a more accurate and refined description of the growth of MP3 players.

  9. "during 5 years before the significant raise to 83 percent in 2015" -> "over the course of 5 years before experiencing a substantial increase to 83 percent in 2015"
    Explanation: Replacing "during" with "over the course of," "raise" with "increase," and adding "experiencing a substantial" results in a more formal and precise expression of the data.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay generally addresses the task by outlining the trends in household ownership of electronic devices over the given 20-year period. It provides an overview of the proportions of families possessing different gadgets and highlights the rising trends, particularly for mobile phones, computers, and tablets.

How to improve:

  1. Structural Organization: Work on structuring the essay with clearer paragraphs. Separate the introduction, body, and conclusion for better coherence.
  2. Clarity and Specificity: Enhance clarity in presenting data. Include more precise figures and comparisons to depict the changes accurately.
  3. Detail and Accuracy: Provide more specific data points and ensure accuracy in percentages and trends over the mentioned period.
  4. Language Usage: Use more varied vocabulary and sentence structures to enhance the overall richness of the essay.

These improvements can help in better articulating the trends and details of household gadget ownership, aligning the response more closely with the expectations of the band 7 or higher criteria.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay attempts to describe a line graph detailing household ownership of electronic devices from 1995 to 2015. It makes an effort to introduce the information and give an overview of the trends. However, the essay lacks coherence and cohesion due to several issues. There are instances of inadequate organization and a lack of overall progression. The use of cohesive devices is inconsistent, resulting in inadequate or inaccurate presentation. Paragraphing is attempted, but it lacks logical sequencing and unity, and the referencing within paragraphs is often unclear.

How to improve:

  1. Structure and Progression: Focus on a clear introduction, body paragraphs discussing each device’s ownership trend separately, and a conclusion summarizing the overall trend. Ensure a logical flow of information and a clear progression of ideas throughout the essay.

  2. Cohesion and Linking: Utilize a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively to connect sentences and ideas logically. Ensure that references between sentences and within paragraphs are clear and accurate.

  3. Paragraphing: Create well-structured paragraphs with clear topic sentences that introduce the main idea of each paragraph. Each paragraph should discuss a single device’s ownership trend and logically transition to the next point.

  4. Accuracy and Clarity: Focus on accuracy in presenting the data and avoid repetitions caused by unclear referencing or substitution errors. Use precise language to describe trends and percentages accurately.

Revising the essay with attention to these aspects will significantly improve coherence and cohesion, ultimately enhancing the overall quality of the response.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task. The writer uses some less common vocabulary, such as "commencing," "possessions," and "considerable climb." However, there are instances of inaccuracy in word choice and collocation, such as "raising pattern" instead of "rising trend" and "core goods in use" instead of "primary devices in use." Additionally, there are errors in word formation, such as "MP3 player ownerships" instead of "ownership." The overall vocabulary is suitable, but the inaccuracies and errors slightly impede communication.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, the writer should strive for more accurate word choices and collocations. Proofreading for word formation errors, such as "ownership" instead of "ownerships," is crucial. Additionally, diversifying vocabulary by incorporating more precise and contextually appropriate terms would elevate the lexical sophistication of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures. There is an attempt to use a variety of sentence forms, but some errors in grammar and punctuation are present, although they rarely reduce communication. The essay provides a generally clear overview of the trends in household ownership of electronic devices between 1995 and 2015, and it attempts to use a range of vocabulary.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on refining sentence structures and ensuring correct punctuation usage. Pay attention to verb tenses and subject-verb agreement. Additionally, strive for more precise vocabulary choices to convey ideas with greater clarity. Proofreading for minor errors can further improve the overall accuracy of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

Certainly, here’s an improved version of the provided IELTS Task 1 report:


The presented line graph illustrates the ownership percentages of four distinct electronic devices in households over a 20-year period starting from 1995. These devices include MP3 players, mobile phones, computers, and tablets. Overall, there was a consistent upward trend in ownership for all four gadgets, with mobile phones experiencing the most notable increase.

In 1995, approximately 18 percent of households owned MP3 players. During the same year, computers and mobile phones were possessed by a lower proportion, accounting for nearly 9 percent of family units, while the ownership of tablets was non-existent. However, five years later, mobile phones and computers surpassed MP3 players in terms of ownership prevalence.

Between 1995 and 2000, there was a dramatic increase in the proportion of households using mobile phones, steadily rising until it reached a peak of nearly 100 percent in 2015. Conversely, the ownership of computers showed a substantial climb throughout the entire period. The ownership of MP3 players, in contrast, experienced a relatively modest growth, increasing from 18 percent to only 41 percent over the same duration.

Notably, tablets made their appearance between 2000 and 2005, steadily gaining traction among households over five years before experiencing a significant surge to 83 percent ownership in 2015.

Overall, the data demonstrates a consistent rise in the adoption of these electronic devices in households, with mobile phones emerging as the most prevalent gadget by the end of the observed period.


I ensured to maintain the original data points while refining the grammar, structure, and coherence of the essay. If you need any further adjustments or explanations, feel free to ask!

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