Health experts believe that walking is a good exercise for health. However, people are walking less nowadays. Why is this happening how can people be encourage to walk more?
Health experts believe that walking is a good exercise for health. However, people are walking less nowadays. Why is this happening how can people be encourage to walk more?
Although, a number of health professionals consider walking is the best exercise for humans, walking has become a less interesting activity for people on a daily basis nowadays. This following essay will present some serious causes related to this topic before suggesting some viable solutions to tackle these problems.
In terms of reasoning, one of many causes that leads people to no longer walk is the advent of modern transportation. In other words, more and more transportation has appeared recently, which brings many benefits and human life. Vehicles, such as cars, bikes, or even trains, help people move effortlessly. For example, in the past, our ancestors had to walk for a thousand kilometers to reach one destination to another, whereas nowadays, with the appearance and development of advanced transportation or technology motorbike taxi platforms, humans can use cars or motorbikes to reach their destination without walking at all. Another possible reason is that the number of individuals prefers choosing a job that requires less physically demanding activities. This means that they just have to sit at the same position for a long time without walking or doing some stretching exercises. As a result, this tendency can lead to detrimental effects not only on the physical health of the young generation or even workers but also creates laziness among humans (2) that they do not have enough awareness about the benefits of walking.
However, there are numerous solutions that can be done to deal with this problem, such as raising the human awareness of their well-being, which could be considered as the vital solution.(3) In other words, being more conscious of our health means that we are able to make decisions wisely, which brings us a healthy body or even mind, such as taking a long walk or mcombining with some breathing exercises during walking after sitting at the same position for a long time. For example, nowadays, there are a wide range of channels on some social media platforms that teach people how to walk correctly or suggest some suitable places for people to take a walk. Nevertheless, individuals must remind themselves that being healthy is the most valuable thing to have; therefore, sharing walking experience with people who have the same hobby could increase their motivation to walk more regularly.
In conclusion, there are many culprits that lead to the laziness of people in walking, however, raising human awareness about protecting their own health and finding a person to walk with us can be done to tackle this problem.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"Although, a number of health professionals consider walking is the best exercise for humans" -> "Although many health professionals consider walking to be the best exercise for humans"
Explanation: The phrase "consider walking is the best exercise for humans" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The corrected version "consider walking to be the best exercise for humans" corrects the grammatical structure and maintains formal tone. -
"walking has become a less interesting activity for people on a daily basis nowadays" -> "walking has become less appealing as a daily activity nowadays"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly phrased and uses "on a daily basis" which is redundant. The suggested revision simplifies and clarifies the meaning, enhancing readability and formality. -
"This following essay" -> "This essay"
Explanation: The phrase "This following essay" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. Removing the extra word "following" corrects the grammar and streamlines the sentence. -
"one of many causes that leads people to no longer walk" -> "one of the many reasons why people no longer walk"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The suggested revision corrects the grammatical structure and improves clarity. -
"more and more transportation has appeared" -> "more transportation options have appeared"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and vague. The revision corrects the verb tense and clarifies the meaning, making it more precise and formal. -
"which brings many benefits and human life" -> "which offers numerous benefits to human life"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The revision clarifies the meaning and corrects the grammatical structure, enhancing the formal tone. -
"Vehicles, such as cars, bikes, or even trains, help people move effortlessly" -> "Vehicles such as cars, bicycles, and trains facilitate effortless movement"
Explanation: The original phrase is informal and lacks precision. The revision uses more formal vocabulary and corrects the list structure, enhancing the academic tone. -
"the number of individuals prefers choosing a job" -> "many individuals prefer choosing jobs"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revision corrects the verb agreement and simplifies the structure, improving clarity and formality. -
"just have to sit at the same position for a long time without walking or doing some stretching exercises" -> "must remain seated for extended periods without engaging in physical activity"
Explanation: The original phrase is informal and vague. The suggested revision uses more precise and formal language, enhancing the academic tone. -
"creates laziness among humans" -> "promotes laziness among individuals"
Explanation: The term "humans" is too general and informal for academic writing. "Individuals" is more appropriate and formal. -
"raising the human awareness of their well-being" -> "raising awareness of their well-being"
Explanation: The original phrase is redundant. Removing "human" simplifies and clarifies the expression, making it more concise and appropriate for academic writing. -
"which could be considered as the vital solution" -> "which is considered a vital solution"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly phrased. The revision corrects the grammatical structure and enhances clarity and formality. -
"taking a long walk or mcombining with some breathing exercises during walking" -> "taking a long walk or combining it with breathing exercises during walking"
Explanation: The original phrase contains a typographical error ("mcombining") and is awkwardly phrased. The correction fixes the typo and improves readability and formality. -
"sharing walking experience with people who have the same hobby" -> "sharing walking experiences with fellow enthusiasts"
Explanation: The original phrase is informal and vague. The revision uses more precise and formal language, enhancing the academic tone. -
"culprits that lead to the laziness of people in walking" -> "factors contributing to the decline in walking among people"
Explanation: The original phrase is informal and imprecise. The suggested revision uses more formal and precise language, improving the academic tone and clarity.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt by discussing reasons why people are walking less and suggesting solutions to encourage walking. The causes mentioned, such as the rise of modern transportation and sedentary jobs, are relevant and well-explained. However, the essay could benefit from a more structured approach to explicitly delineate the causes and solutions, as the transitions between these sections are somewhat abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should clearly separate the discussion of causes from the solutions. This could be achieved by using headings or transitional phrases that signal a shift in focus. Additionally, providing more specific examples or statistics related to the decline in walking could strengthen the argument.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that walking is beneficial for health and that its decline is a concern. However, the phrasing in some sections, such as "walking has become a less interesting activity," could be interpreted as ambiguous. The position is generally consistent, but the language used could be more assertive to reinforce the argument.
- How to improve: The writer should aim for more definitive language that clearly states their stance. For instance, instead of suggesting that walking is "less interesting," they could assert that it is essential for health. Additionally, reiterating the importance of walking in the conclusion would help reinforce the position throughout the essay.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: Ideas are presented and supported with examples, such as the mention of modern transportation and sedentary jobs. However, some points could be further developed. For instance, the discussion on social media platforms promoting walking lacks depth and could benefit from specific examples of successful campaigns or initiatives.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should elaborate on each point with more detailed examples or evidence. For instance, they could discuss specific programs or community initiatives that have successfully encouraged walking. This would not only extend the ideas but also provide stronger support for the arguments made.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the reasons for decreased walking and potential solutions. However, there are moments where the discussion becomes slightly tangential, such as the mention of breathing exercises, which, while related to health, does not directly address the prompt about encouraging walking.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate to the act of walking. They could avoid introducing unrelated concepts and instead concentrate on specific strategies that directly promote walking, such as community walking events or urban planning that encourages pedestrian pathways.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments. By improving the structure, clarity, and depth of the ideas presented, the writer could enhance their score in the Task Response category.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing causes and solutions, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs are logically organized around specific causes and solutions. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing modern transportation to sedentary jobs lacks a clear connective phrase, which could confuse readers about the relationship between these points.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly link ideas. For example, phrases like "In addition to modern transportation," or "Another contributing factor is…" can help clarify the connections between different points. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea of that paragraph.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the topic. However, the paragraphs could be more distinct in their purpose. For example, the first body paragraph discusses causes, but the second paragraph blends causes with solutions, which can create confusion about the essay’s structure.
- How to improve: Clearly separate the causes and solutions into distinct paragraphs. This can be achieved by explicitly stating the transition from discussing causes to solutions. For instance, after the last cause is presented, a sentence like "Now that we have identified the causes, let us explore potential solutions" would signal a shift in focus and improve clarity.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "for example," "however," and "in other words," which help in linking ideas. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be strengthened. For example, the phrase "this tendency can lead to detrimental effects" could be better connected to the previous sentence to enhance flow.
- How to improve: To diversify and strengthen the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "furthermore," "consequently," or "as a result" to show cause and effect relationships more clearly. Additionally, ensure that each sentence logically follows from the previous one, which can be achieved by using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas, thereby reinforcing cohesion throughout the essay.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents ideas in a structured manner, improvements in transitions, paragraph separation, and the use of cohesive devices will enhance the coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "advent of modern transportation," "physically demanding activities," and "detrimental effects." However, there are instances of repetitive phrasing, such as "walking" and "health," which could be varied to enhance the richness of the language. For example, instead of repeatedly using "walking," synonyms like "strolling," "ambulating," or "perambulating" could be employed to diversify the vocabulary.
- How to improve: To improve lexical variety, the writer should actively seek synonyms and related terms. Engaging with vocabulary lists or thesauruses while drafting can help identify alternatives. Additionally, reading a wider range of texts can expose the writer to different expressions and terminologies related to health and exercise.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains some imprecise vocabulary choices, such as "the number of individuals prefers choosing a job" which should be rephrased to "the number of individuals who prefer jobs." The phrase "the appearance and development of advanced transportation or technology motorbike taxi platforms" is also convoluted and could be simplified for clarity. The use of "mcombining" appears to be a typographical error, which detracts from the precision of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on sentence structure and clarity. Proofreading for grammatical accuracy and coherence is essential. Additionally, practicing paraphrasing exercises can help the writer become more adept at selecting the most appropriate words for their intended meaning.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "mcombining," which is likely a typographical error. While the overall spelling is generally accurate, such mistakes can undermine the professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should adopt a habit of proofreading their work carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can contribute to better spelling in future essays.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, enhancing vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy will contribute to achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and some compound sentences. For example, phrases like "Although, a number of health professionals consider walking is the best exercise for humans" and "In other words, more and more transportation has appeared recently, which brings many benefits and human life" show an attempt to use subordinate clauses effectively. However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and incorrect structure, such as "consider walking is the best exercise," which should be "consider walking to be the best exercise." Additionally, the use of transitional phrases like "In terms of reasoning" and "However" helps to connect ideas, but could be further diversified.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more complex sentences with varied conjunctions and relative clauses. For instance, instead of starting sentences with "In other words," they could use alternatives like "This means that" or "Consequently." Practicing the use of different sentence starters and integrating more conditional sentences (e.g., "If people were more aware of their health…") could also enrich the essay’s structure.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally good command of grammar, but there are notable errors that detract from its clarity. For instance, the phrase "the advent of modern transportation" is correctly structured, but the subsequent clause "which brings many benefits and human life" is awkward and unclear. Additionally, there are punctuation issues, such as the unnecessary comma after "Although" in the opening sentence and the lack of a comma before "however" in the conclusion. The use of parentheses (2) and (3) is unconventional in this context and may confuse readers.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and correct verb forms. For example, "the number of individuals prefers choosing a job" should be revised to "the number of individuals prefer choosing jobs." Additionally, the writer should review punctuation rules, particularly regarding commas and conjunctions. Practicing sentence diagramming could help clarify sentence structure and improve overall grammatical accuracy. Finally, eliminating unnecessary notations like (2) and (3) would enhance the professionalism of the essay.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, there are specific areas for improvement that could elevate the writing to a higher band score. Focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical and punctuation accuracy will be beneficial for future writing tasks.
Bài sửa mẫu
Although many health professionals consider walking to be the best exercise for humans, walking has become a less appealing activity for people on a daily basis nowadays. This essay will present some significant causes related to this topic before suggesting viable solutions to address these issues.
In terms of reasoning, one of the many factors contributing to the decline in walking among people is the advent of modern transportation. In other words, more transportation options have appeared recently, which offers numerous benefits to human life. Vehicles, such as cars, bicycles, and trains, facilitate effortless movement. For example, in the past, our ancestors had to walk for thousands of kilometers to reach one destination or another, whereas nowadays, with the development of advanced transportation and motorbike taxi platforms, individuals can use cars or motorbikes to reach their destinations without walking at all. Another possible reason is that many individuals prefer choosing jobs that require less physically demanding activities. This means that they must remain seated for extended periods without engaging in physical activity. As a result, this tendency can lead to detrimental effects not only on the physical health of the younger generation and workers but also promotes laziness among individuals who may not have enough awareness of the benefits of walking.
However, there are numerous solutions that can be implemented to tackle this problem, such as raising awareness of their well-being, which is considered a vital solution. In other words, being more conscious of our health means that we are able to make wise decisions, leading to a healthier body and mind. For example, taking a long walk or combining it with breathing exercises during walking after sitting for extended periods can be beneficial. Nowadays, there are a wide range of channels on social media platforms that teach people how to walk correctly or suggest suitable places for walking. Nevertheless, individuals must remind themselves that being healthy is the most valuable thing to have; therefore, sharing walking experiences with fellow enthusiasts could increase their motivation to walk more regularly.
In conclusion, there are many factors contributing to the decline in walking among people. However, raising awareness about protecting their health and finding a walking partner can help address this issue effectively.