imagine that you start a new job in a company. talk about some employees benefits you want to have

imagine that you start a new job in a company. talk about some employees benefits you want to have

I’m a new accountant at SCN company. I work in the financial department. This company offers us many benefits. The first, the company organizes free healthcare. I often get sick , but I rarely go to the hospital, because it takes time and costs money. But when the company has this program, I always have regular check-up. The second, there is a crèche , which is very useful for people who have no one to take care of their children, but I’m single so this benefit is not important to me. The third, every year the company organizes a free holiday, we can travel with our family. This is the benefit I like best about my company because it helps employees relax, It’s a great way to spend time with my family. And finally, I hope that the company can provide a company car to take employees to work every day. This helps reduce travel expenses and makes it more convenient for us to go to the company every day.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "I’m a new accountant at SCN company." -> "I am a new accountant at SCN Company."
   Explanation: Capitalizing "Company" corrects the typographical error and aligns with formal writing conventions by using proper nouns.

2. "I work in the financial department." -> "I am employed in the financial department."
   Explanation: "Employed" is more formal and precise than "work," which is somewhat vague and informal for academic writing.

3. "The first, the company organizes free healthcare." -> "Firstly, the company offers free healthcare services."
   Explanation: "Firstly" is a more formal transitional phrase than "The first," and "offers" is more specific than "organizes," which is less commonly used in this context.

4. "I often get sick, but I rarely go to the hospital, because it takes time and costs money." -> "I frequently fall ill, but I infrequently visit the hospital due to the time and financial constraints involved."
   Explanation: "Frequently fall ill" and "infrequently visit" are more precise and formal expressions. "Due to the time and financial constraints involved" clarifies the reasons for not visiting the hospital.

5. "But when the company has this program, I always have regular check-up." -> "However, with this program in place, I consistently undergo regular check-ups."
   Explanation: "However" is a more formal transitional word than "But," and "undergo" is more precise than "have" in the context of medical examinations.

6. "there is a crèche, which is very useful for people who have no one to take care of their children, but I’m single so this benefit is not important to me." -> "the company offers a crèche, which is highly beneficial for employees without family caregivers; however, as a single individual, this benefit is not directly applicable to me."
   Explanation: "Highly beneficial" is more formal than "very useful," and "employees without family caregivers" is more specific than "people who have no one to take care of their children." The revised sentence also maintains a more formal tone.

7. "every year the company organizes a free holiday, we can travel with our family." -> "annually, the company provides a complimentary holiday, allowing us to travel with our families."
   Explanation: "Annually" is more formal than "every year," and "provides" is more precise than "organizes" in this context. "Complimentary" is more formal than "free," and "allowing us to travel" is more formal than "we can travel."

8. "This is the benefit I like best about my company because it helps employees relax, It’s a great way to spend time with my family." -> "This is the benefit I appreciate most about my company, as it facilitates employee relaxation and provides an excellent opportunity to spend time with family."
   Explanation: "Appreciate most" is more formal than "like best," and "facilitates" is more precise than "helps." "Provides an excellent opportunity" is more formal than "It’s a great way."

9. "And finally, I hope that the company can provide a company car to take employees to work every day." -> "Finally, I hope that the company will consider providing a company car for daily transportation to and from work."
   Explanation: "Will consider providing" suggests a more formal and tentative tone, and "for daily transportation to and from work" is more specific and formal than "to take employees to work every day."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing several employee benefits that the writer would like to have in their new job. However, it does not fully explore the range of benefits that could be considered; it primarily focuses on four specific benefits without elaborating on why these are significant or how they compare to other potential benefits. The mention of the crèche, for example, is acknowledged as not being relevant to the writer, which weakens the overall response to the prompt.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should consider discussing a broader range of benefits or providing more context for why each mentioned benefit is important. Including a brief explanation of additional benefits, such as flexible working hours or professional development opportunities, could demonstrate a more comprehensive understanding of employee benefits.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position regarding the desired benefits, but it lacks clarity and consistency. While the writer expresses a preference for certain benefits, such as the free holiday, the mention of the crèche as unimportant introduces ambiguity. It may confuse the reader about the overall importance of the benefits being discussed.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should explicitly state their priorities regarding employee benefits at the beginning of the essay. They could use phrases like "I believe the most important benefits are…" and then consistently refer back to this hierarchy of importance throughout the essay.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are somewhat limited and lack depth. While the writer mentions several benefits, they do not sufficiently extend or support these ideas with detailed explanations or examples. For instance, the discussion about free healthcare is brief and does not elaborate on how it impacts employee well-being or productivity.
  • How to improve: To improve this aspect, the writer should aim to expand on each benefit by providing specific examples or personal anecdotes that illustrate their significance. For instance, they could discuss how the free holiday allows employees to recharge and return to work more motivated, thereby benefiting the company as well.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing employee benefits relevant to the prompt. However, the inclusion of the crèche, which the writer does not find personally beneficial, detracts from the focus on benefits that would be universally advantageous. This could lead to a perception that the writer is not fully engaged with the topic.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should concentrate on benefits that are relevant to a wider audience or explain why they are discussing benefits that do not apply to them personally. They could frame the discussion around the overall impact of these benefits on employee morale and productivity, rather than personal relevance alone.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the writer can enhance the clarity, depth, and relevance of their essay, potentially raising their band score in the Task Response criteria.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents information in a logical sequence, starting with an introduction of the writer’s position and the benefits offered by the company. Each benefit is introduced with a clear transition, allowing the reader to follow the writer’s thoughts easily. For instance, the benefits are numbered and discussed in a structured manner, which aids in understanding. However, the transition between the discussion of the crèche and the holiday could be smoother, as the connection between these ideas is somewhat abrupt.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that link ideas more cohesively. For example, after discussing the crèche, a phrase like "In addition to childcare support, the company also offers…" could create a smoother transition to the next point. Additionally, grouping similar benefits together or categorizing them (e.g., health-related, family-related) could further improve the organization.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks clear paragraphing, which affects its readability. Each benefit is presented in a single block of text without distinct paragraphs, making it challenging for the reader to digest the information. While the content is relevant, the absence of paragraph breaks detracts from the overall clarity and structure of the essay.
  • How to improve: Implementing paragraphs would significantly enhance the essay’s coherence. Each benefit could be placed in its own paragraph, starting with a topic sentence that introduces the benefit, followed by supporting details. For instance, one paragraph could focus solely on healthcare benefits, another on childcare, and so forth. This would not only improve readability but also allow for a more in-depth exploration of each point.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "the first," "the second," and "finally," which help to structure the list of benefits. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be strengthened. For example, the phrase "but I’m single so this benefit is not important to me" could be better integrated into the flow of the essay.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a variety of linking words and phrases such as "moreover," "furthermore," "in contrast," and "for instance." This would not only enhance the connections between ideas but also add sophistication to the writing. Additionally, using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas can help reduce repetition and improve cohesion.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and presents relevant benefits, improvements in paragraph structure, logical flow, and the use of cohesive devices could elevate the score further.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary related to the topic of employee benefits. Words such as "healthcare," "check-up," "crèche," and "holiday" are appropriate and relevant. However, the vocabulary is somewhat limited and repetitive, with phrases like "the company" and "this benefit" appearing multiple times. This indicates a lack of variety in expression.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, the writer should incorporate synonyms and alternative phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "the company," they could use "the organization," "the firm," or "the employer." Additionally, varying expressions such as "employee perks," "workplace advantages," or "staff benefits" could enrich the text.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary correctly, but there are instances where the precision of word choice could be improved. For example, the phrase "I often get sick" is vague; it would be more precise to specify the types of illnesses or the frequency of sickness. Additionally, the term "crèche" may not be universally understood, which could lead to confusion.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should aim to provide more context or detail. Instead of saying "I often get sick," they could specify "I frequently experience minor illnesses such as colds or flu." Furthermore, if using less common terms like "crèche," it would be beneficial to briefly explain what it means, such as "a childcare facility for working parents."

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is mostly accurate, with only a few minor errors. For instance, "check-up" is correctly hyphenated, but there is a space before the comma in "sick , but I rarely go to the hospital." Such spacing issues can detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully to catch any typographical errors or spacing issues. Utilizing spelling and grammar checking tools can also be beneficial. Additionally, practicing writing with a focus on common spelling rules and frequently misspelled words can help improve overall spelling skills.

Overall, while the essay meets the basic requirements for vocabulary use, there is significant room for improvement in terms of variety, precision, and spelling accuracy. By implementing the suggested strategies, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures. For instance, the writer employs simple sentences ("I’m a new accountant at SCN company.") effectively to convey straightforward information. Additionally, there are compound sentences, such as "This is the benefit I like best about my company because it helps employees relax," which show an ability to connect ideas. However, the essay lacks more complex sentence structures that could enhance the overall sophistication of the writing. For example, the use of subordinate clauses could have been introduced to provide more depth, such as in sentences that explain the benefits in more detail.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For example, instead of saying, "I often get sick, but I rarely go to the hospital," the writer could say, "Although I often get sick, I rarely go to the hospital because it takes time and costs money." This not only adds variety but also improves the flow of ideas.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a good level of grammatical accuracy, with only a few minor errors. For instance, the phrase "I often get sick , but I rarely go to the hospital" contains an unnecessary space before the comma, which detracts from the overall professionalism of the writing. Additionally, the sentence "This is the benefit I like best about my company because it helps employees relax, It’s a great way to spend time with my family" incorrectly uses a capital letter after a comma, which is a punctuation error. Overall, while the majority of sentences are grammatically correct, these small errors can impact the clarity and professionalism of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully proofread the essay to catch minor punctuation errors. Paying attention to the placement of commas and ensuring that they are used correctly will improve the overall quality of the writing. Additionally, practicing the rules of punctuation, especially regarding the use of commas and conjunctions, will help in avoiding such mistakes in the future.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, there is room for improvement in both the variety of sentence structures and the precision of grammar and punctuation. By incorporating more complex sentences and refining punctuation skills, the writer can enhance the overall effectiveness of their writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

I am employed in the financial department at SCN Company. This organization offers us numerous benefits. Firstly, the company organizes free healthcare services. I frequently fall ill, but I infrequently visit the hospital due to the time and financial constraints involved. However, with this program in place, I consistently undergo regular check-ups.

Secondly, there is a crèche, which is highly beneficial for employees without family caregivers; however, as a single individual, this benefit is not directly applicable to me.

Thirdly, annually, the company provides a complimentary holiday, allowing us to travel with our families. This is the benefit I appreciate most about my company, as it facilitates employee relaxation and provides an excellent opportunity to spend time with loved ones.

Finally, I hope that the company will consider providing a company car for daily transportation to and from work. This would help reduce travel expenses and make it more convenient for us to commute to the office each day.