In mang countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for government. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do th advangtages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

In mang countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for government. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do th advangtages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

In the contemporary world, people could increase their life expectancy due to the improvement in the quality of life. While there is still an on-going debate about whether the ageing population would bring more concern to the society or not, I believe there are more disadvantages associated with this phenomenon.
On the one hand, those who support the ageing population argue that the elderly have the deeper understanding regarding the world issues as well as the comprehensive mind received from their prolonged living time. It would be useful for the younger generation to be passed down these skills and experiences from the old. Furthermore, the teenagers living in an extended family show to be greatly impacted by their grandparents’ lifestyle which is more disciplined. It would help them to create the sense of self-control by working and relaxing scientifically as the old do.
However, the opponents, including myself, point to the side effects of persistent ageing population to the society. Firstly, it is undeniable that the working population aged from 20 to 50 with better health condition contributing to higher productivity at work than the older ones, who are less able to keep adapting the working’ environment. As at the older age, they are more prone to health problems even other diseases due to weak immune system. It would lead to the increasing demand for medical care, sometimes putting the strain on the capacity of hospitality services. Moreover, creating the financial burdens placed on the governments to allocate budgetary to healthcare.
In conclusion, although the young could benefit from the aged’ knowledge, the ageing population still potentially be a problem in the future as the needs for healthcare systems and contribution from government have increased.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

1. "could increase their life expectancy" -> "has seen an increase in life expectancy"
   Explanation: The original phrase "could increase their life expectancy" is somewhat speculative and lacks the definitive tone appropriate for academic writing. Replacing it with "has seen an increase in life expectancy" provides a more factual and formal statement.

2. "on-going debate" -> "ongoing debate"
   Explanation: The hyphenated form "on-going" is less common in formal writing. "Ongoing" is a single word and is the preferred spelling in academic contexts.

3. "more disadvantages associated with this phenomenon" -> "more drawbacks associated with this phenomenon"
   Explanation: "Disadvantages" is appropriate but "drawbacks" adds variety and complexity to the vocabulary. It maintains the formality while offering a nuanced alternative.

4. "the elderly" -> "older population"
   Explanation: While "the elderly" is commonly used, "older population" is a more neutral and formal term that avoids potential ageist connotations.

5. "have the deeper understanding regarding" -> "possess a deeper understanding of"
   Explanation: "Have" is replaced with "possess" for a more formal tone, and "regarding" is substituted with "of" for clarity and precision.

6. "It would be useful for" -> "It is beneficial for"
   Explanation: Replacing "would be useful for" with "is beneficial for" provides a stronger and more assertive statement, typical of academic writing.

7. "passed down these skills and experiences" -> "transmitted these skills and experiences"
   Explanation: "Passed down" is colloquial; "transmitted" is a more formal synonym commonly used in academic contexts.

8. "the side effects of persistent ageing population" -> "the ramifications of a continuously aging population"
   Explanation: "Side effects" is more commonly associated with medication. "Ramifications" is a more formal term suitable for discussing the broader consequences of aging populations.

9. "aged from 20 to 50" -> "aged between 20 and 50"
   Explanation: "Aged from 20 to 50" can be slightly ambiguous. "Aged between 20 and 50" clarifies the age range more precisely.

10. "contributing to higher productivity at work" -> "contributing to greater workplace productivity"
    Explanation: "Higher productivity at work" is slightly redundant. "Greater workplace productivity" is a more concise and formal alternative.

11. "who are less able to keep adapting the working’ environment" -> "who are less adept at adapting to the work environment"
    Explanation: "Keep adapting" is somewhat informal. "Less adept at adapting" is a more formal and precise expression.

12. "the increasing demand for medical care, sometimes putting the strain on the capacity of hospitality services" -> "an increasing demand for medical care, occasionally straining the capacity of healthcare services"
    Explanation: "Putting the strain on" is slightly informal. "Straining the capacity of" is a more formal and direct expression. Additionally, "hospitality services" should be replaced with "healthcare services" for accuracy.

13. "creating the financial burdens placed on the governments to allocate budgetary to healthcare" -> "imposing financial burdens on governments for allocating budgets to healthcare"
    Explanation: "Creating the financial burdens" can be refined to "imposing financial burdens." Additionally, "allocate budgetary to healthcare" is awkward phrasing that can be simplified to "allocating budgets to healthcare."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both sides of the argument regarding the advantages and disadvantages of an aging population. It discusses the benefits of elderly wisdom and discipline passed down to younger generations, while also acknowledging the strain on healthcare systems and government budgets.
  • How to improve: While the essay covers both perspectives, there could be more depth in the analysis. Providing specific examples or data to support each argument would strengthen the response. Additionally, ensuring that each aspect of the prompt is thoroughly explored can enhance the overall clarity and coherence of the essay.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance against the idea that the advantages of an aging population outweigh the disadvantages. It consistently argues that the negative consequences, such as increased healthcare demands and financial burdens, outweigh any potential benefits.
  • How to improve: To further enhance clarity, the essay could explicitly state its position in the introduction and conclusion, reinforcing the chosen perspective. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph supports this overarching stance would strengthen the coherence of the argument.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about both sides of the argument adequately. It discusses the benefits of elderly wisdom and the potential drawbacks of increased healthcare demands and financial strain.
  • How to improve: To extend and support ideas more effectively, the essay could provide additional evidence, such as statistics or real-life examples, to strengthen the arguments presented. Moreover, expanding on the potential societal implications of an aging population could enrich the depth of analysis.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by discussing the advantages and disadvantages of an aging population as prompted. However, there are instances where the argument could be more focused and directly related to the topic.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should ensure that each point directly relates to the central theme of the prompt. Avoiding tangential discussions or irrelevant details would help maintain coherence and relevance. Additionally, providing clear transitions between ideas can aid in staying on topic throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear attempt at organizing information logically. It follows a typical structure of introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The introduction presents the topic and the writer’s viewpoint, followed by two body paragraphs discussing advantages and disadvantages respectively. The essay concludes with a summary of the writer’s stance. However, there are minor instances where the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition between discussing advantages and disadvantages could be smoother to enhance coherence.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure smooth transitions between ideas and paragraphs. In this essay, a clearer transition between discussing advantages and disadvantages can be achieved by using transition phrases like "On the other hand" or "However" to signal the shift in focus.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, with clear topic sentences to introduce the main idea. However, there is room for improvement in the structure of some paragraphs. For instance, the second body paragraph could be divided into smaller paragraphs to improve readability and coherence.
  • How to improve: Consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller ones to improve readability and coherence. For example, the second body paragraph could be divided into separate paragraphs discussing different aspects of the disadvantages of an aging population, such as healthcare burdens and economic implications.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices to connect ideas within and between sentences. Examples include transitional phrases like "On the one hand," "Furthermore," and "Moreover," which help to signal shifts in focus and reinforce the connection between ideas. However, there is limited variety in the cohesive devices used, and some transitions could be smoother.
  • How to improve: To enhance cohesion, strive to use a wider range of cohesive devices such as pronouns (e.g., "this," "these"), conjunctions (e.g., "however," "in addition"), and linking words (e.g., "thus," "consequently"). Additionally, ensure that transitions between sentences and paragraphs are seamless to improve overall coherence and cohesion. For instance, consider using more varied transition phrases and conjunctions to create smoother connections between ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, with a mix of basic and more advanced words. For instance, phrases like "improvement in the quality of life," "prolonged living time," and "persistent ageing population" exhibit a reasonable attempt at varied vocabulary usage. However, there is room for enhancement in the diversity and sophistication of vocabulary choices to elevate the lexical richness of the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, aim to incorporate a broader array of vocabulary, including synonyms and more nuanced terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "ageing population," consider alternatives such as "senior demographic" or "elderly cohort." Additionally, strive to integrate specialized terminology related to the discussion of societal issues and demographics to add depth to your arguments.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a generally accurate use of vocabulary, although there are instances of imprecise language that could be refined for clarity and effectiveness. For instance, the phrase "the teenagers living in an extended family show to be greatly impacted" could benefit from more precise wording to convey the exact nature of the impact. Furthermore, there are opportunities to employ vocabulary more precisely to articulate concepts with greater clarity and depth.
  • How to improve: Focus on selecting words that precisely convey your intended meaning without ambiguity. Consider rephrasing sentences to eliminate vague or overstated expressions. Additionally, aim to use terminology that aligns closely with the context of your arguments to enhance the clarity and precision of your language. For example, instead of "show to be greatly impacted," consider a more specific phrase like "demonstrate substantial influence."

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally accurate spelling throughout the text. However, there are a few instances of spelling errors, such as "mang" instead of "many" and "hospitality services" instead of "hospital services." While these errors do not significantly detract from overall comprehension, attention to detail in spelling is essential for presenting a polished piece of writing.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider employing proofreading techniques such as spell checkers and manual review to identify and correct errors. Additionally, expanding your vocabulary and familiarity with common spelling patterns can help minimize spelling mistakes in future writing endeavors. Taking the time to carefully review and edit your work before submission can also aid in identifying and rectifying any spelling errors.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. It utilizes a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, incorporating both compound and complex sentences. For instance, it employs simple sentences such as "On the one hand, those who support the ageing population argue…" alongside complex sentences like "Furthermore, the teenagers living in an extended family show to be greatly impacted by their grandparents’ lifestyle which is more disciplined." However, there is a tendency towards simpler structures, which could be expanded to enhance variety and sophistication.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures such as compound-complex sentences or sentences with introductory phrases or clauses. Additionally, varying sentence lengths can contribute to a more engaging and dynamic writing style. For example, integrating longer sentences with subordinate clauses can add depth and complexity to the essay’s expression.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates reasonably accurate grammar and punctuation usage. However, there are instances of grammatical errors and punctuation inconsistencies throughout the essay. For example, the phrase "the old do" lacks clarity and could be revised for grammatical correctness. Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as missing commas before introductory phrases ("Furthermore," "In conclusion,") and within compound sentences ("…health problems even other diseases due to weak immune system.").
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and the use of articles. Reviewing the essay for punctuation errors, particularly regarding comma usage with introductory elements and within complex sentences, can improve readability and clarity. Additionally, consider revising ambiguous or awkward phrasings for greater precision and coherence. Regular practice with grammar exercises and proofreading techniques can aid in improving grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills.

Bài sửa mẫu

In many countries, people are experiencing longer lifespans thanks to improvements in quality of life. While there is an ongoing debate about whether an aging population poses more challenges for society, I believe there are greater drawbacks associated with this trend.

Supporters of an aging population argue that the elderly possess valuable insights into world issues and have accumulated wisdom from their extended lifetimes. It is beneficial for younger generations to inherit these skills and experiences from their elders. Additionally, teenagers living in multi-generational households often benefit from the disciplined lifestyle of their grandparents, learning the importance of balance between work and leisure.

However, opponents, including myself, highlight the negative consequences of a continuously aging population. Firstly, the working-age population, typically aged between 20 and 50, tends to be more productive due to better health and adaptability in the workplace compared to older individuals. As people age, they become more susceptible to health issues and diseases, placing increased pressure on healthcare services and sometimes exceeding their capacity. This situation imposes financial burdens on governments as they allocate budgets to healthcare.

In conclusion, while there are advantages to intergenerational knowledge transfer, the ramifications of a continuously aging population are concerning. The strain on healthcare systems and the increased demand for government funding pose significant challenges for the future.