In many cities, the use of video cameras in public places is being increased in order to reduce crime, but some people believe that these measures restrict our individual freedom. Do the benefits of increased security outweigh the drawbacks?

In the latest decades, public cameras are believed to support the government in reducing crime while others think that these image and sound recording equipments violate their privacy. In my opinion, these measures have more drawbacks than benefits.
One of the most significant disadvantages of the camera system installed in public areas is it observes all residents without concern for their privacy . For instance, private messages and calls are read and eavesdropped and as a result, people feel uncomfortable and have a resistant attitude. In addition, camera data brings hidden risks of information disclosure due to hackers. Private essential figures such as bank account, address, social network accounts and passwords can be revealed and it creates opportunity for thieves.
On the other hand, the appearance of recording devices reduces the role of policemen since they can inspect people’s activities via screens. Criminals can take advantage of dead angles of cameras to commit crimes.
In conclusion, although increasing the number of cameras in public places is a creative solution to reduce crime rate, its benefits seem to be weaker than the drawbacks.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"In the latest decades" -> "In recent decades"
Explanation: "In the latest decades" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "In recent decades" is the correct phrase and is more formal and appropriate for academic writing.
"public cameras" -> "public surveillance cameras"
Explanation: The term "public cameras" is vague and imprecise. "Public surveillance cameras" specifies the type of cameras being referred to, enhancing clarity and formality.
"these image and sound recording equipments" -> "these surveillance equipment"
Explanation: "Image and sound recording equipments" is awkward and incorrect. "Surveillance equipment" is the correct term and is more precise and formal.
"have more drawbacks than benefits" -> "pose more drawbacks than benefits"
Explanation: "Have" is too informal and vague in this context. "Pose" is more appropriate as it directly relates to the potential risks or negative consequences of the surveillance.
"it observes all residents without concern for their privacy" -> "it monitors all residents without regard for their privacy"
Explanation: "It observes" is too informal and vague; "it monitors" is more specific and formal. "Without regard for" is a more precise phrase than "without concern for," which is slightly informal.
"private messages and calls are read and eavesdropped" -> "private communications are intercepted"
Explanation: "Read and eavesdropped" is redundant and informal. "Intercepted" is a more precise and formal term that encompasses both reading and listening to private communications.
"have a resistant attitude" -> "develop a resistant attitude"
Explanation: "Have a resistant attitude" is grammatically incorrect. "Develop a resistant attitude" is grammatically correct and more formal.
"camera data brings hidden risks of information disclosure" -> "camera data poses hidden risks of information disclosure"
Explanation: "Brings" is too informal and vague; "poses" is more precise and formal, fitting the context of potential risks.
"Private essential figures such as bank account, address, social network accounts and passwords" -> "Private essential information such as bank account numbers, addresses, social network account credentials, and passwords"
Explanation: The original phrase is unclear and lacks specificity. The revised version clarifies what types of private information are at risk.
"it creates opportunity for thieves" -> "it provides an opportunity for thieves"
Explanation: "Creates" is too informal and vague; "provides" is more precise and formal, fitting the context of offering a chance or possibility.
"the appearance of recording devices reduces the role of policemen" -> "the installation of surveillance devices diminishes the role of law enforcement"
Explanation: "Appearance" is too vague and informal; "installation" is more specific and formal. "Law enforcement" is a more precise term than "policemen."
"they can inspect people’s activities via screens" -> "they can monitor individuals’ activities through screens"
Explanation: "Inspect" is less formal and slightly vague; "monitor" is more precise and formal. "Individuals" is preferred over "people" for a more formal tone.
"Criminals can take advantage of dead angles of cameras" -> "Criminals can exploit blind spots in camera coverage"
Explanation: "Dead angles" is an informal and less precise term; "blind spots" is the correct term for areas not covered by surveillance. "Exploit" is more formal than "take advantage of."
"increasing the number of cameras in public places is a creative solution" -> "increasing the number of surveillance cameras in public areas is a viable solution"
Explanation: "Creative" is too informal and vague; "viable" is more precise and appropriate for describing a practical solution. "Public areas" is a more formal term than "public places."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the benefits and drawbacks of increased surveillance through video cameras. However, it primarily focuses on the drawbacks, which leads to an imbalance in addressing the question. The essay mentions the potential benefits of surveillance but does not adequately explore or support these points. For example, while it states that cameras can help reduce crime, it fails to provide specific examples or evidence to substantiate this claim.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should aim to provide a more balanced discussion. This can be achieved by clearly outlining the benefits of increased security, such as deterrence of crime and enhanced public safety, and supporting these points with relevant examples or statistics. Additionally, the writer should ensure that both sides of the argument are given equal weight to fully address the prompt.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The writer states a clear position in favor of the drawbacks of surveillance, asserting that they outweigh the benefits. However, the position could be more consistently reinforced throughout the essay. The conclusion reiterates the stance but does not effectively summarize the key arguments made in the body paragraphs, which weakens the overall clarity of the position.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should ensure that each paragraph directly supports their stance. This can be done by summarizing key points in the conclusion and linking back to the main argument in each body paragraph. Using phrases like “This highlights…” or “Therefore, it is evident that…” can help reinforce the position throughout the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas regarding the drawbacks of surveillance, such as privacy concerns and potential data breaches. However, these ideas are not fully extended or supported with sufficient detail. For example, the mention of hackers is relevant, but the essay does not elaborate on how this impacts individuals or society as a whole. The discussion of reduced police presence is introduced but lacks depth and examples.
- How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point made. This could involve providing specific examples, such as statistics on crime rates in areas with surveillance or real-life incidents of privacy violations. Additionally, the writer could explore the implications of these drawbacks more thoroughly, which would strengthen the overall argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the implications of video surveillance in public spaces. However, there are moments where the relevance of certain points is unclear, such as the mention of "dead angles" of cameras. This point could confuse readers as it does not directly relate to the main argument about the balance of security and freedom.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates to the central question of whether the benefits of increased security outweigh the drawbacks. It may be helpful to outline the main points before writing the essay to ensure clarity and relevance throughout. Additionally, avoiding tangential points will help keep the discussion concise and on-topic.

In summary, to improve the essay’s score, the writer should aim for a more balanced exploration of both benefits and drawbacks, reinforce their position consistently, extend and support their ideas with specific examples, and maintain a clear focus on the topic throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the use of video cameras in public spaces, outlining both the disadvantages and advantages. However, the organization could be improved. The introduction effectively sets up the topic and states the author’s opinion. The first body paragraph discusses the disadvantages of surveillance, but the transition to the second body paragraph, which addresses the advantages, is abrupt. The argument about the role of police and the potential for criminals to exploit camera dead angles feels somewhat disconnected from the previous points about privacy and security risks.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases at the beginning of the second body paragraph to signal a shift in focus. For example, phrases like "Conversely" or "On the other hand" can help clarify that you are presenting a contrasting viewpoint. Additionally, it may be beneficial to clearly delineate the advantages and disadvantages into separate paragraphs, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that relates back to the thesis.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate ideas, which is a strength. However, the paragraphs could be more effectively structured. The first body paragraph discusses privacy concerns, while the second addresses the role of cameras in crime prevention. The lack of a clear topic sentence in the second body paragraph makes it less effective, as it does not clearly relate back to the thesis or the previous paragraph.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph begins with a strong topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea of that paragraph. For instance, the second body paragraph could start with a sentence like, "Despite the privacy concerns, proponents argue that video surveillance can significantly enhance public safety." This would provide a clearer framework for the reader and improve the overall coherence of the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "for instance" and "in addition," which help to connect ideas within paragraphs. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between ideas could be strengthened. For example, the transition between the discussion of privacy concerns and the advantages of surveillance lacks a cohesive link that ties the two ideas together.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "however," "consequently," and "therefore." Additionally, using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas can help maintain coherence. For example, instead of repeating "cameras," you could use "these devices" or "such measures" to create smoother transitions between sentences and ideas.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices can elevate the coherence and cohesion to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but it lacks the variety and sophistication expected at higher band scores. Phrases like "public cameras," "government," and "reduce crime" are repeated without variation. Additionally, terms like "disadvantages" and "benefits" are used, but synonyms or more nuanced vocabulary could enhance the essay. For example, instead of "disadvantages," words like "drawbacks" or "downsides" could be employed to add variety.
- How to improve: To improve vocabulary range, the writer should actively seek synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "cameras," alternatives like "surveillance systems" or "monitoring devices" could be integrated. Engaging with a thesaurus or vocabulary-building exercises can help expand the lexical repertoire.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While there are instances of appropriate vocabulary, some phrases lack precision. For example, "image and sound recording equipments" is awkward; "equipment" is an uncountable noun and should be used in the singular form. Additionally, the phrase "it observes all residents without concern for their privacy" could be more accurately expressed as "it monitors residents without regard for their privacy."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on grammatical accuracy and the correct usage of terms. Reviewing basic grammar rules regarding countable and uncountable nouns would be beneficial. Furthermore, practicing sentence restructuring to clarify meaning can improve overall precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "equipments" (should be "equipment") and "eavesdropped" (which is contextually correct but could be replaced with "overheard" for clarity). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading strategy. This could involve reading the essay aloud to catch errors or using spell-check tools. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can help improve spelling skills over time.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary, there are significant areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By actively expanding vocabulary, focusing on grammatical accuracy, and implementing effective proofreading strategies, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures. For example, the writer uses both simple sentences ("In my opinion, these measures have more drawbacks than benefits.") and more complex structures ("For instance, private messages and calls are read and eavesdropped and as a result, people feel uncomfortable and have a resistant attitude."). However, the complexity is somewhat limited, and many sentences follow a similar pattern, which can make the writing feel repetitive. Additionally, there are instances where the sentence structure could be improved for clarity, such as the phrase "the camera system installed in public areas is it observes all residents without concern for their privacy," which is awkwardly constructed.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more compound and complex sentences. For instance, using relative clauses (e.g., "which can lead to…") or conditional sentences (e.g., "If cameras are installed, then…") would enhance the variety. Additionally, varying the placement of clauses and using different conjunctions can help create a more engaging flow.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall quality. For example, the phrase "image and sound recording equipments" should be corrected to "image and sound recording equipment," as "equipment" is an uncountable noun. Additionally, the sentence "it observes all residents without concern for their privacy" lacks clarity and could be rephrased for better understanding. Punctuation errors, such as the missing comma before "and as a result," can lead to run-on sentences that confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly those focusing on common errors, can be beneficial. Furthermore, proofreading the essay for punctuation errors and ensuring that each sentence is clear and concise will enhance the overall readability. Reading the essay aloud can also help identify awkward phrasing and grammatical mistakes.

In summary, while the essay achieves a Band 7 for Grammatical Range and Accuracy, there is room for improvement in both the variety of sentence structures and the accuracy of grammar and punctuation. By incorporating more complex structures and focusing on grammatical precision, the writer can enhance their writing further.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent decades, public cameras are believed to support the government in reducing crime, while others think that these image and sound recording equipment violate their privacy. In my opinion, these measures pose more drawbacks than benefits.

One of the most significant disadvantages of the camera system installed in public areas is that it monitors all residents without regard for their privacy. For instance, private messages and calls are read and eavesdropped on, and as a result, people feel uncomfortable and develop a resistant attitude. In addition, camera data poses hidden risks of information disclosure due to hackers. Private essential information such as bank account numbers, addresses, social network account credentials, and passwords can be revealed, creating an opportunity for thieves.

On the other hand, the presence of recording devices diminishes the role of law enforcement since they can monitor individuals’ activities through screens. Criminals can exploit blind spots in camera coverage to commit crimes.

In conclusion, although increasing the number of surveillance cameras in public places is a viable solution to reduce crime rates, its benefits seem to be weaker than the drawbacks.