In many countries around the world, rural people are moving to cities, so the population in the countryside is decreasing. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?
In many countries, there is an upward trend of rural people migrating to cities causing the decline in population in the countryside. From my point of view, this phenomenon may bring negative development.
The massive migration to cities makes them overcrowded while the current infrastructure cannot instantly meet the demands of those people. Public conveniences such as health, education and transportation systems are overloaded and the stress on these facilities is growing. This results in the quality of life will be reduced significantly, whereas, the cost of living and all kinds of prices will be increased. Moreover, this trend creates a redundant labour force which will not only cause the issue of job-lacking but also make the job market more competitive. In addition, the surge in crime rate in the area is also another visible consequence. For instance, the USA witnessed a noticeable growth of criminals and most of them were reported to be non-local people or immigrants.
Additionally, the concentration of a large number of people in a single area is one of the factors contributing to pollution. As cities develop to adapt to the growing needs of humans, more buildings and facilities need to be constructed and factories must operate at higher capacities. These human activities have a direct impact on the environment, with the most obvious effects being the loss of natural habitats and various forms of pollution. Lastly, a decrease of citizens in rural areas causes a reduction of skilled workers in the agriculture sector and it will affect farming practices and productivity. It is difficult to keep up with the demands of cultivating and harvesting crops, leading to decreased agricultural output and food shortages.
In conclusion, the decline in rural population due to urban migration has negative effects therefore, the government should implement a suitable policy.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
"From my point of view" -> "In my opinion"
Explanation: The phrase "From my point of view" is somewhat informal for academic writing. "In my opinion" maintains a formal tone while expressing the same idea.
"massive migration" -> "significant migration"
Explanation: While "massive" isn’t inherently incorrect, "significant" conveys a similar idea in a more academic manner without sounding exaggerated.
"Public conveniences" -> "Public amenities/services"
Explanation: "Public conveniences" may sound a bit informal. "Public amenities" or "services" is a more academically appropriate term.
"whereas, the cost of living and all kinds of prices will be increased" -> "resulting in increased cost of living and prices across various sectors"
Explanation: The original sentence lacks clarity and is slightly informal. The revised version maintains a formal tone while improving clarity.
"redundant labour force" -> "excess labor force"
Explanation: "Redundant" might imply that the labor force is unnecessary, whereas "excess" suggests an overabundance without implying unnecessary workers.
"issue of job-lacking" -> "job scarcity"
Explanation: "Issue of job-lacking" is an awkward phrasing. "Job scarcity" is a more concise and appropriate term in academic writing.
"make the job market more competitive" -> "intensify job market competition"
Explanation: The revised phrase maintains formality and clarity while avoiding casual language.
"Additionally, the concentration of a large number of people in a single area is one of the factors contributing to pollution." -> "Furthermore, the concentration of individuals in urban areas is a significant factor contributing to environmental pollution."
Explanation: The revision maintains formality and clarity by using a more precise and descriptive sentence structure.
"most obvious effects" -> "most evident consequences"
Explanation: "Most obvious effects" can be slightly colloquial. "Most evident consequences" maintains a formal tone while expressing a similar idea.
"Lastly, a decrease of citizens in rural areas" -> "Finally, the decrease in rural population"
Explanation: "Lastly" is a bit informal. "Finally" suits academic writing better. Also, changing "citizens" to "population" improves precision.
"suitable policy" -> "appropriate policies"
Explanation: "Suitable policy" lacks specificity. "Appropriate policies" implies a need for multiple strategies and aligns better with formal writing.
These revisions aim to enhance the academic tone while ensuring clarity and precision in the language used.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Quoted text: "In many countries, there is an upward trend of rural people migrating to cities causing the decline in population in the countryside. From my point of view, this phenomenon may bring negative development."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The introduction adequately presents the writer’s perspective, but it could be strengthened by briefly outlining the main points to be discussed in the essay. This would enhance the reader’s understanding of the essay’s structure. For instance, you can mention the specific negative impacts you will elaborate on in the subsequent paragraphs, providing a roadmap for your readers.
- Improved example: "In many countries, there is an upward trend of rural people migrating to cities, causing a decline in population in the countryside. From my point of view, this phenomenon may bring negative development, as it leads to overcrowded cities, strains infrastructure, creates job competition, increases crime rates, contributes to pollution, and negatively impacts the agriculture sector."
Quoted text: "The massive migration to cities makes them overcrowded while the current infrastructure cannot instantly meet the demands of those people. Public conveniences such as health, education and transportation systems are overloaded and the stress on these facilities is growing. This results in the quality of life will be reduced significantly, whereas, the cost of living and all kinds of prices will be increased."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: Your point on the strain on city infrastructure is well made. However, the expression is somewhat convoluted. Simplify your sentence structure for better clarity. Also, provide specific examples or personal experiences to illustrate the impact on the quality of life and cost of living.
- Improved example: "The influx of rural residents into cities overwhelms existing infrastructure, straining services like healthcare, education, and transportation. This surge negatively affects the quality of life, leading to increased living costs. For instance, my hometown experienced a similar situation, where the sudden urban migration led to a visible decline in public services and a notable rise in living expenses."
Quoted text: "Moreover, this trend creates a redundant labour force which will not only cause the issue of job-lacking but also make the job market more competitive. In addition, the surge in crime rate in the area is also another visible consequence. For instance, the USA witnessed a noticeable growth of criminals and most of them were reported to be non-local people or immigrants."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: While your point about the redundant labor force and increased crime rates is valid, your explanation lacks depth and specific examples. Elaborate on how this affects job opportunities and provide instances of cities where crime rates surged due to rural migration.
- Improved example: "Furthermore, this migration results in a surplus of labor, intensifying job scarcity and elevating competition in the job market. In my own experience, a city I lived in faced a similar situation, where the job market became fiercely competitive due to an influx of rural migrants. Additionally, the correlation between increased crime rates and rural-urban migration should be substantiated with specific examples or cases."
Overall, the essay presents a clear position and addresses various aspects of the topic. To improve, focus on simplifying sentence structures for better clarity, provide specific examples or personal experiences to illustrate points, and delve deeper into the explanations for a more comprehensive analysis.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay logically organizes information and ideas with a clear progression throughout. It effectively uses a range of cohesive devices, contributing to coherence. The central topic within each paragraph is well-presented. However, there are instances of underuse and overuse of cohesive devices, impacting the overall fluency. Paragraphing is generally logical, but there is room for improvement in terms of cohesion within and between sentences.
How to improve: Pay attention to the balance of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transitions between ideas. Work on refining the use of cohesive devices for more consistent and seamless connections. Review sentence-to-sentence cohesion to enhance overall coherence. Consider refining paragraphing for even greater logical flow.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 8
Band Score: 8.0
The essay demonstrates a commendable command of vocabulary, utilizing a wide range of words with fluency and flexibility. The candidate effectively conveys precise meanings and employs uncommon lexical items skillfully. There are only occasional inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as the phrase "the quality of life will be reduced significantly," where a more concise expression could enhance the sentence structure. The candidate also exhibits a good awareness of style and collocation, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay.
How to improve:
To enhance lexical resource further, consider refining the expression of ideas for greater conciseness. For example, instead of saying "the quality of life will be reduced significantly," the candidate could say "this significantly reduces the quality of life." Additionally, strive for even more varied and sophisticated expressions where possible, ensuring precise and effective word choices throughout the essay. Overall, maintaining this level of vocabulary usage with slightly improved precision will contribute to achieving a higher band score.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
The essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and punctuation, with a variety of complex structures used throughout the response. The candidate effectively employs a mix of sentence forms, combining simple and complex structures to convey ideas. The majority of sentences are error-free, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. However, there are a few instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that slightly impact the clarity of expression. For example, in the sentence, "This results in the quality of life will be reduced significantly," the word "will" should be removed to enhance grammatical accuracy.
How to improve:
To improve, the writer should pay closer attention to sentence construction and ensure that verb tenses are used consistently. Additionally, a thorough proofreading to catch minor errors and improve the flow of the essay would enhance its overall quality. Careful consideration of sentence structure and elimination of redundancies will contribute to achieving a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
In several nations, there’s a noticeable trend where people from rural areas are moving to cities, resulting in a decline in the countryside population. In my view, this shift may bring about negative outcomes.
The substantial movement towards cities leads to overcrowding, straining existing infrastructure unable to instantly cater to the surge in population. Public services like healthcare, education, and transportation systems become overburdened, significantly reducing the quality of life. Moreover, the cost of living and prices of various goods increase due to this influx. Additionally, this trend creates an excess labor force, exacerbating job scarcity and intensifying competition within the job market. This shift also contributes to a surge in crime rates in urban areas. For instance, the USA experienced a notable increase in criminal activities, primarily involving non-local people or immigrants.
Furthermore, the concentration of a large populace in urban areas contributes significantly to pollution. As cities evolve to meet human demands, more construction and factory operations result in adverse environmental impacts, including habitat loss and various forms of pollution. Finally, the decline in rural citizens diminishes the pool of skilled agricultural workers, impacting farming practices and productivity. Meeting the demands for cultivation and harvesting becomes challenging, leading to reduced agricultural output and potential food shortages.
To conclude, the decrease in rural population due to urban migration has adverse effects. Therefore, it is crucial for the government to implement suitable policies to address these issues.