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In many countries, children and teenagers are committing more crimes. Why is this happening? How should they be punished?

In many countries, children and teenagers are committing more crimes. Why is this happening? How should they be punished?

Recent decades have witnessed growing incidents of juvenile delinquency. This essay aims to elaborate on the root causes and propose some appropriate punishments for young offenders.

On the one hand, there are several reasons why more people are committing crimes at a younger age. One of the prominent causes is the exposure to violent content and games due to loose regulation and censorship, violent videos such as fighting scenes are ubiquitous on several social platforms, furthermore, games containing violent elements are easily accessible. Consequently, young adults might not be able to resist the temptation of these unhealthy entertainments since they might foster a sense of novelty, excitement, and an adrenaline rush, which could potentially exert adversely profound impacts on the cognition of teenagers. Moreover, the young might not be able to differentiate the right and wrong nor they are aware of the consequences of committing crimes, which possibly results from the lack of supervision and guidance from both parents and teachers, consequently leaving young individuals highly susceptible to violating the law.

Concerning the far-reaching impacts of this situation, I believe that there should be appropriate punishments for young law offenders. The first approach is delivering moral lessons. Irrefutably, all guilty teenagers should be imparted with civic lectures, proportionally, which could instill in these children a sense of responsibility and help them to recognize their faulty deeds, thereby preventing them from committing crimes again. Another approach is sending young criminals to rehabilitation camps, where they would be compelled to engage in community service, which could not only foster a sense of responsibility in them but also render them steering away from immoral deeds and ill behaviors.

In conclusion, increasing cases of young criminals have their roots in several reasons, and I agree that they should be punished with the aforementioned penalties.


 

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. “Recent decades have witnessed growing incidents of juvenile delinquency.” -> “In recent decades, there has been a rise in incidents of juvenile delinquency.”
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality, and replacing “witnessed growing incidents” with “there has been a rise in incidents” contributes to a more academic tone.
  2. “On the one hand, there are several reasons why more people are committing crimes at a younger age.” -> “Firstly, there are various reasons why individuals are engaging in criminal activities at a younger age.”
    Explanation: Introducing the reasons more formally by replacing “On the one hand” with “Firstly” and rephrasing “more people” to “individuals” enhances the essay’s academic tone.
  3. “One of the prominent causes is the exposure to violent content and games due to loose regulation and censorship, violent videos such as fighting scenes are ubiquitous on several social platforms, furthermore, games containing violent elements are easily accessible.” -> “A significant contributing factor is the exposure to violent content and games resulting from inadequate regulation and censorship. Violent videos, including fighting scenes, are widespread on various social platforms. Additionally, games with violent elements are readily accessible.”
    Explanation: The revised version separates ideas for clarity, employs more precise language, and avoids redundancy. Also, it adheres to formal language by replacing “loose regulation” with “inadequate regulation.”
  4. “Consequently, young adults might not be able to resist the temptation of these unhealthy entertainments since they might foster a sense of novelty, excitement, and an adrenaline rush, which could potentially exert adversely profound impacts on the cognition of teenagers.” -> “As a result, young adults may struggle to resist the allure of these unhealthy forms of entertainment, as they could cultivate a sense of novelty, excitement, and an adrenaline rush. This, in turn, may have profoundly adverse effects on the cognitive development of teenagers.”
    Explanation: The revision maintains clarity while using more sophisticated vocabulary and structure. “Entertainments” is replaced with “forms of entertainment,” contributing to a more academic style.
  5. “Moreover, the young might not be able to differentiate the right and wrong nor they are aware of the consequences of committing crimes, which possibly results from the lack of supervision and guidance from both parents and teachers, consequently leaving young individuals highly susceptible to violating the law.” -> “Furthermore, young individuals may struggle to differentiate between right and wrong, and they may lack awareness of the consequences of committing crimes. This lack of understanding may stem from a deficit in supervision and guidance from both parents and teachers, thereby leaving them highly susceptible to violating the law.”
    Explanation: The revision enhances clarity and formality by restructuring the sentence, using more precise language, and replacing “Moreover” with “Furthermore.”
  6. “Concerning the far-reaching impacts of this situation, I believe that there should be appropriate punishments for young law offenders.” -> “Considering the far-reaching impacts of this situation, I contend that there should be appropriate consequences for young offenders.”
    Explanation: The revision maintains formality by replacing “I believe” with “I contend” and uses “consequences” instead of “punishments” for a more neutral and academic tone.
  7. “Irrefutably, all guilty teenagers should be imparted with civic lectures, proportionally, which could instill in these children a sense of responsibility and help them to recognize their faulty deeds, thereby preventing them from committing crimes again.” -> “Undoubtedly, all culpable teenagers should receive civic lectures in proportion to their offenses. This could instill in them a sense of responsibility and aid in recognizing their misdeeds, thereby preventing a recurrence of criminal behavior.”
    Explanation: The revision replaces “irrefutably” with “undoubtedly” for a more formal tone and improves precision by using “culpable” instead of “guilty.”
  8. “Another approach is sending young criminals to rehabilitation camps, where they would be compelled to engage in community service, which could not only foster a sense of responsibility in them but also render them steering away from immoral deeds and ill behaviors.” -> “Another approach involves sending young offenders to rehabilitation camps, where they would be obligated to participate in community service. This could not only cultivate a sense of responsibility in them but also steer them away from immoral deeds and undesirable behaviors.”
    Explanation: The revision uses more precise language, replaces “young criminals” with “young offenders” for neutrality, and clarifies the sentence structure for enhanced readability.

 

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

  1. Quoted text: “One of the prominent causes is the exposure to violent content and games due to loose regulation and censorship, violent videos such as fighting scenes are ubiquitous on several social platforms, furthermore, games containing violent elements are easily accessible.”
    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The argument regarding exposure to violent content is relevant but lacks depth. You’ve identified a cause but not explored it thoroughly. To improve, consider discussing how this exposure specifically influences juvenile behavior. Is it desensitization to violence, imitation of behavior, or something else?
    • Improved example: “A significant cause of juvenile delinquency is the exposure to violent content, such as fighting scenes on social platforms and games with violent elements. This constant exposure may desensitize young individuals to violence, leading them to imitate such behavior in real life, often without fully understanding the consequences.”
  2. Quoted text: “Consequently, young adults might not be able to resist the temptation of these unhealthy entertainments since they might foster a sense of novelty, excitement, and an adrenaline rush, which could potentially exert adversely profound impacts on the cognition of teenagers.”
    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: This section overgeneralizes the impact of ‘unhealthy entertainment’ on teenagers. To enhance this argument, provide specific examples or scenarios illustrating how such entertainment can lead to crime. This would create a more direct link between the cause (exposure to violent content) and the effect (committing crimes).
    • Improved example: “The allure of these unhealthy entertainments often lies in their novelty and excitement, potentially leading to an adrenaline rush. This can result in poor decision-making or risk-taking behaviors in teenagers, such as engaging in vandalism or theft, mimicking what they observe in these media.”
  3. Quoted text: “Another approach is sending young criminals to rehabilitation camps, where they would be compelled to engage in community service, which could not only foster a sense of responsibility in them but also render them steering away from immoral deeds and ill behaviors.”
    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The suggestion for rehabilitation is a good start but lacks specificity regarding how these programs would function or their potential effectiveness. Elaborating on how rehabilitation could specifically address the causes of juvenile crime would strengthen this argument.
    • Improved example: “An effective approach could be to send young offenders to rehabilitation camps that focus on community service and counseling. These programs could teach them the value of contributing positively to society, while counselors address underlying issues such as exposure to violence or lack of parental guidance, steering them away from future criminal activities.”

Overall, your essay addresses all parts of the task and presents a clear position throughout. However, some of your arguments and solutions lack depth and specificity, which prevents your essay from achieving a higher score. By expanding on your ideas with more detailed explanations and examples, you can enhance the persuasiveness and clarity of your arguments.

 

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a logical organization of information and ideas, with a clear progression throughout. The introduction provides a concise overview of the essay’s focus. Body paragraphs are well-structured, discussing the causes of juvenile delinquency and proposing appropriate punishments. Cohesive devices are used appropriately, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. Each paragraph presents a clear central topic, enhancing the overall organization. While there is some variety in sentence structure, occasional use of complex structures could further elevate the essay’s coherence.

How to improve:
To enhance coherence, consider incorporating a wider range of sentence structures, including complex and compound-complex sentences. Additionally, ensure a smoother flow between paragraphs by using transitional phrases or sentences to guide the reader through the progression of ideas. This will further elevate the essay’s overall coherence and cohesion.

 

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for some flexibility and precision in expression. There is an attempt to use less common lexical items with awareness of style and collocation. The essay makes occasional errors in word choice and word formation, but they do not significantly impede communication.

The writer effectively employs a variety of vocabulary to discuss the causes of juvenile delinquency, such as “prominent causes,” “adversely profound impacts,” and “susceptible to violating the law.” Additionally, the use of phrases like “far-reaching impacts” and “faulty deeds” contributes to the lexical range. The writer also demonstrates awareness of style and collocation with phrases like “imparted with civic lectures” and “render them steering away from immoral deeds.”

However, there are occasional errors in word choice, such as the phrase “possibly results from,” where a more accurate choice might be “may result from.” Additionally, there are some minor spelling and word formation errors, like “irrefutably” instead of “irrefutably,” which, while not hindering overall understanding, contribute to the occasional inaccuracies mentioned in the band descriptor.

How to improve: To improve the Lexical Resource score, the writer should focus on further diversifying vocabulary, paying attention to precision in word choice and ensuring accurate word formation and spelling. Careful proofreading can help eliminate minor errors and enhance the overall lexical control. Additionally, incorporating a wider range of uncommon lexical items and idiomatic expressions can elevate the lexical sophistication of the essay.

 

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: This essay demonstrates a good command of grammatical range and accuracy. It uses a variety of complex sentence structures and vocabulary effectively. The majority of sentences are error-free, and the essay generally maintains good control of grammar and punctuation. There are only a few minor errors or inappropriacies, such as “recent decades have witnessed growing incidents” where it could be improved to “recent decades have witnessed a growing number of incidents.” Additionally, the phrase “render them steering away from immoral deeds” could be more idiomatic, perhaps as “steer them away from immoral behavior.” These errors are minor and do not significantly affect communication.

How to improve: To further improve the grammatical range and accuracy, the author should pay close attention to minor errors, especially in sentence structure and word choice. Careful proofreading can help eliminate these issues and enhance the overall quality of the essay. Additionally, while the essay uses a variety of complex structures, it can benefit from even more sentence diversity to achieve a higher score.

 

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent decades, there has been a noticeable rise in juvenile delinquency. This essay seeks to explore the underlying causes and suggest appropriate punishments for young offenders.

On one hand, there are various reasons why more individuals are turning to a life of crime at a younger age. A significant factor is the exposure to violent content and games, owing to lax regulation and censorship. Violent videos, such as fighting scenes, are widespread on various social platforms. Additionally, games with violent elements are readily accessible. Consequently, young adults may find it challenging to resist the allure of these unhealthy forms of entertainment, as they can provide a sense of novelty, excitement, and an adrenaline rush. This, in turn, can have adverse effects on the cognitive development of teenagers. Furthermore, the youth may struggle to distinguish between right and wrong, lacking awareness of the consequences of criminal actions. This lack of supervision and guidance from both parents and teachers leaves young individuals highly susceptible to violating the law.

Considering the far-reaching impacts of this situation, I advocate for appropriate punishments for young offenders. One approach involves delivering moral lessons. Undeniably, all culpable teenagers should receive civic lectures in proportion to their actions. This could instill in these children a sense of responsibility and aid them in recognizing the gravity of their misdeeds, thereby preventing future criminal activities. Another effective approach is sending young criminals to rehabilitation camps, where they would be compelled to participate in community service. This not only fosters a sense of responsibility but also steers them away from immoral deeds and negative behaviors.

In conclusion, the increasing instances of youth involvement in criminal activities stem from various reasons. I agree that addressing this issue requires implementing appropriate penalties, such as moral lessons and rehabilitation programs, to guide young offenders toward a more responsible and law-abiding path.

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