In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government should have the responsibility. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government should have the responsibility. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In numerous nations, the issue of children becoming overweight and facing health risks is on the rise. There are varying opinions on whether the government should take charge of addressing this problem. I believe that while the government can play a role, the responsibility also lies with their families.
Proponents of governmental involvement underscore the significant influence and power of the government in regulating the food sources. Food sources that poeple eat in every nation is apparently controlled and examined by the government before being published; therefore, it is the government who are able to control food quality and ban those products that can cause negative impacts on people's health, especially children. For instance, government can enact laws that restricting the age of using in order to curtail children's exposure to detrimental dietary practices. Furthermore, the government can establish guidelines mandating schools to offer more nourishing meals, guaranteeing that children are exposed to well-rounded and wholesome diets.
Apart from the government, families also take the responsibility in manipulating children's weight. Parents and families have the ability to impart knowledge about nutritions and prepare a healthy diet for children to make sure that teenagers will not eat food which contains chemical additives. Parents can also actively encourage teenagers to participate in physical activities to keep fit. All of which can have a lasting impact on instilling healthy habits early on and preventing the onset of childhood obesity. To illustrate, parents can become partners with their children in doing workouts. This helps the youths have more motivation to prevent being obese.
In conclusion, government is the one to blame for children's obesity but it should not bear the sole responsibility. Parents' help is also crucial to effectively address this problem and ensure the well-being of the younger generation.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"In numerous nations" -> "In many countries"
Explanation: "In numerous nations" is slightly redundant and less common in formal academic writing. "In many countries" is more concise and appropriate for formal contexts. -
"the issue of children becoming overweight and facing health risks" -> "the growing issue of childhood obesity and related health risks"
Explanation: "The growing issue of childhood obesity and related health risks" is more specific and uses technical terminology ("childhood obesity"), enhancing the academic tone. -
"the government should take charge of addressing this problem" -> "the government should assume responsibility for addressing this issue"
Explanation: "Assume responsibility for" is a more formal and precise phrase than "take charge of," which is somewhat colloquial. -
"poeple" -> "people"
Explanation: This is a simple spelling correction to ensure accuracy. -
"Food sources that poeple eat in every nation is apparently controlled" -> "Food sources consumed in every nation are apparently regulated"
Explanation: "Consumed" is more precise than "eat," and "regulated" is more appropriate than "controlled" in this context, aligning better with formal language. -
"it is the government who are able to control" -> "it is the government that can regulate"
Explanation: "That can regulate" is grammatically correct and more formal than "who are able to control." -
"enact laws that restricting the age of using" -> "enact laws restricting the use of"
Explanation: "Restricting the use of" is grammatically correct and clearer than "restricting the age of using." -
"to curtail children’s exposure to detrimental dietary practices" -> "to limit children’s exposure to detrimental dietary practices"
Explanation: "Limit" is a more precise verb than "curtail" in this context, enhancing the formal tone. -
"families also take the responsibility in manipulating children’s weight" -> "families also bear the responsibility for influencing children’s weight"
Explanation: "Bear the responsibility for influencing" is more formal and accurate than "take the responsibility in manipulating." -
"Parents and families have the ability to impart knowledge about nutritions" -> "Parents and families have the ability to impart knowledge about nutrition"
Explanation: "Nutrition" should be singular to match the singular form "ability." -
"to make sure that teenagers will not eat food which contains chemical additives" -> "to ensure that teenagers do not consume food containing chemical additives"
Explanation: "Ensure" is more formal than "make sure," and "consume" is more precise than "eat," and "containing" is grammatically correct. -
"All of which can have a lasting impact on instilling healthy habits early on" -> "All of these measures can have a lasting impact on instilling healthy habits early"
Explanation: "Measures" is a more specific term than "all of which," and removing "on" after "instilling" corrects the grammatical structure. -
"government is the one to blame for children’s obesity" -> "the government bears significant responsibility for childhood obesity"
Explanation: "Bears significant responsibility" is a more formal and less accusatory phrase than "is the one to blame," which is too informal for academic writing. -
"but it should not bear the sole responsibility" -> "but it should not bear sole responsibility"
Explanation: "Sole responsibility" is a more formal expression than "the sole responsibility," and removing "the" improves the flow of the sentence.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both aspects of the question: the extent to which the government should be responsible for children’s health and whether the responsibility also lies with families. It discusses the role of government in regulating food sources and promoting healthier school meals. Additionally, it emphasizes the importance of parental responsibility in educating children about nutrition and encouraging physical activity.
- How to improve: To improve, ensure that each paragraph directly ties back to the prompt. While the essay covers both perspectives, a clearer structure explicitly linking each argument to the question would strengthen coherence.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent position that while the government has a role in regulation, parents also bear responsibility for children’s health. This stance is evident throughout the essay, particularly in the conclusion.
- How to improve: Improve clarity by explicitly stating the position in the introduction and reinforcing it throughout each paragraph. This could prevent any ambiguity and strengthen the argumentative focus.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: Ideas are presented with some clarity but lack depth in development. For instance, while the role of government is discussed, there is limited elaboration on how regulations directly impact childhood obesity rates beyond broad statements.
- How to improve: Strengthen the essay by providing more specific examples and statistics to support claims about the effectiveness of government regulations or parental interventions. This would enhance the credibility and depth of the arguments presented.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic, focusing on the responsibility of the government and families regarding children’s health. However, there are moments where the connection to the prompt could be clearer, especially in the paragraph discussing governmental regulations.
- How to improve: Ensure each paragraph directly contributes to answering the prompt. Avoid tangential discussions that may detract from the central argument about responsibility.
In conclusion, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt’s requirements by discussing both governmental and parental roles in combating childhood obesity, there is room for improvement in coherence, clarity of position, depth of argumentation, and maintaining a direct focus on the prompt throughout. By refining these aspects, the essay could achieve a higher band score by more effectively demonstrating a thorough engagement with the task.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally clear organizational structure. It starts with an introduction that paraphrases the essay prompt and states the writer’s viewpoint. The body paragraphs present arguments supporting the idea that both government and families share responsibility for addressing childhood obesity. There is a conclusion that summarizes the main points.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure that each body paragraph focuses clearly on one main idea related to the topic. This can be achieved by using topic sentences that directly link to the thesis statement and provide a clear pathway for the reader throughout the essay.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. For instance, the second paragraph discusses the role of the government, while the third paragraph emphasizes the responsibility of families. Transitions between paragraphs are generally clear, aiding coherence.
- How to improve: To further improve, consider refining paragraph structure by ensuring each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. Additionally, review paragraph lengths to ensure they are balanced and focused.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses cohesive devices adequately to link ideas and maintain coherence. For example, transition words such as "furthermore" and "apart from" are used to connect sentences within paragraphs. Pronouns are also used effectively to refer back to previously mentioned ideas.
- How to improve: To enhance coherence, aim to incorporate a wider variety of cohesive devices such as synonyms, parallel structures, and more varied transition words. This will help in maintaining a smooth flow of ideas throughout the essay.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, evidenced by clear paragraphing and adequate use of cohesive devices. To progress to a higher band score, focus on refining paragraph structure, ensuring consistent use of topic sentences, and diversifying cohesive devices for smoother transitions between ideas.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary with some attempts at less common words and phrases. For example, terms like "nutritions," "detrimental dietary practices," and "chemical additives" showcase a variety of lexical choices. However, there is a tendency to rely on common expressions ("children becoming overweight," "healthy habits," "physical activities") which slightly limits the breadth of vocabulary demonstrated.
- How to improve: To enhance your score in Lexical Resource, consider incorporating more nuanced vocabulary throughout the essay. For instance, instead of using common phrases like "physical activities," you could employ synonyms such as "exercise regimes" or "fitness routines." Additionally, strive to use precise academic or technical vocabulary related to nutrition and health, such as "macronutrients," "metabolic health," or "obesogenic environment."
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, there are instances where precision could be improved. For instance, the phrase "government can enact laws that restricting the age of using" is grammatically awkward and lacks precision. Additionally, the term "nutritions" should be corrected to "nutrition" for accuracy.
- How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary with precision by ensuring that each word or phrase is used correctly and effectively. For instance, instead of saying "laws that restricting," use "laws that restrict." Also, be mindful of singular and plural forms ("nutrition" instead of "nutritions") to maintain clarity and accuracy throughout the essay.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates adequate spelling accuracy, with minor errors such as "poeple" (people) and "nutritions" (nutrition). These errors do not significantly hinder comprehension but suggest the need for careful proofreading.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider proofreading your work carefully before submission. Pay close attention to commonly misspelled words and ensure consistency in spelling throughout the essay. Using spell-check tools can also help identify and correct errors efficiently.
In conclusion, while your essay shows a commendable effort in using a range of vocabulary and maintaining overall spelling accuracy, there are opportunities to enhance precision and variety in lexical choices. By incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and ensuring precise usage, you can further elevate your score in Lexical Resource and effectively convey your ideas on complex topics like childhood obesity and governmental responsibility.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate variety of sentence structures. It employs simple, compound, and complex sentences reasonably well throughout. There is some attempt at using complex sentence structures, such as dependent clauses and transitional phrases ("Apart from the government, families also take the responsibility…"). However, the range could be further expanded with more sophisticated sentence structures, including varied types of complex sentences and rhetorical devices like parallelism or inversion.
- How to improve: To enhance variety, aim to incorporate more complex sentence structures consistently. Introduce dependent clauses for more nuanced arguments and employ rhetorical devices strategically to improve coherence and fluency. For example, consider using parallel structures to emphasize key points effectively.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates reasonable control over grammar and punctuation. However, there are noticeable errors throughout the essay that affect clarity and precision. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("Food sources that poeple eat in every nation is apparently controlled…") and punctuation errors (missing commas in complex sentences).
- How to improve: Focus on refining grammatical accuracy by practicing sentence construction with attention to subject-verb agreement and consistent use of punctuation. Review complex sentence structures to ensure correct placement of commas and other punctuation marks. Consider using shorter sentences to avoid grammatical errors that arise in complex constructions.
In summary, while the essay shows potential with a varied range of sentence structures and adequate grammar control, there is room for improvement in both aspects to achieve higher band scores. Increasing the sophistication of sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy will strengthen the overall quality and clarity of the essay.
Bài sửa mẫu
In numerous countries, the growing issue of childhood obesity and related health risks is a significant concern. There are differing opinions on whether the government should assume responsibility for addressing this issue. I believe that while the government can play a role, families also have a crucial role to play.
Supporters of government intervention emphasize its ability to regulate food sources consumed nationwide. Governments regulate and inspect food sources to ensure quality and safety standards before they reach consumers. Therefore, it is the government that can enact laws restricting the use of harmful substances to limit children’s exposure to detrimental dietary practices. Additionally, governmental guidelines can mandate schools to provide healthier meals, ensuring children have access to nutritious diets.
Apart from governmental measures, families also bear responsibility for influencing children’s weight. Parents and families can impart knowledge about nutrition and prepare healthy meals to prevent teenagers from consuming food containing chemical additives. They can also encourage physical activities to promote fitness and prevent obesity. All of these measures can have a lasting impact on instilling healthy habits early on.
In conclusion, while the government bears significant responsibility for addressing childhood obesity through regulatory measures, it should not bear sole responsibility. Parents and families also play a critical role in effectively addressing this issue and ensuring the well-being of the younger generation.