In many countries, imprisonment is the most common solution to crime. However, some people argue that better education would be a more effective solution. Do you agree or disagree?
Despite the popularity of using prison sentences to deal with illegal activities, in my opinion, better education will be a more effective solution since it negates the problem completely. This essay will discuss the problem and prove that education is the best way to solve it
On the one hand, imprisoning criminals serves as a deterrent to dissuading individuals from engaging in illegalities due to the fear of the consequences. The idea is that knowing the potential punishment for committing a crime may discourage others from engaging in similar behaviors. Additionally, incarcerating individuals who have committed crimes can help to protect the community by physically removing them from society. Locking up dangerous criminals who have committed violent crimes can prevent them from posing an immediate threat to others.
On the other hand, providing better education has the potential to identify the root cause of criminal behaviors, such as poverty, lack of opportunities, and social inequalities, by providing individuals with the skills needed for personal and professional growth. Moreover, education fosters personal development and social rehabilitation, offering to help individuals transform their lives more positively. It emphasizes values, ethics, and critical thinking, contributing to a more responsible and law-abiding citizen. Last but not least, investing in education as a crime prevention strategy can potentially lower the occurrence of criminal activities by addressing issues early in a person’s life, reducing the likelihood of them turning into a crime in the first place.
In conclusion, I am on the whole belief that the importance of instilling a sense of morality is much more effective than imprisonment at stopping crime. Hence, I argue that education is better than locking up criminals at crime reduction.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"Despite the popularity of using prison sentences" -> "Despite the prevalence of resorting to prison sentences"
Explanation: Replacing "popularity" with "prevalence" and "using" with "resorting to" enhances the formality of the sentence. The word "popularity" may imply a casual or subjective perspective, while "prevalence" is a more neutral and formal term. Additionally, "resorting to" emphasizes a more deliberate action in the context of legal measures.
"in my opinion" -> "In my view"
Explanation: While expressing personal opinion is acceptable in academic writing, using "In my view" is a more formal and nuanced alternative to "in my opinion." It maintains a formal tone and aligns better with academic conventions.
"it negates the problem completely" -> "it addresses the issue comprehensively"
Explanation: "Negates" may sound too absolute or informal in an academic context. "Addresses the issue comprehensively" provides a more precise and formal expression, conveying a thorough approach to dealing with the problem.
"prove that education is the best way to solve it" -> "argue that education is the optimal solution"
Explanation: Instead of "prove," which can sound overly conclusive, "argue" is a more appropriate term in academic writing. "Optimal solution" is more formal than "best way" and contributes to a more sophisticated tone.
"On the one hand" -> "Firstly"
Explanation: "On the one hand" is a bit informal for academic writing. "Firstly" is a more structured and formal way to introduce the first point in an argument.
"dissuading individuals from engaging in illegalities" -> "dissuading individuals from participating in illegal activities"
Explanation: "Engaging in illegalities" is less formal. "Participating in illegal activities" is a more precise and academically appropriate alternative.
"knowing the potential punishment" -> "being aware of the potential consequences"
Explanation: "Knowing" is somewhat informal. "Being aware of the potential consequences" maintains formality and clarity in expressing the idea.
"help to protect the community" -> "contribute to safeguarding the community"
Explanation: "Help to" can be replaced with "contribute to" for a more formal tone. "Safeguarding" is a slightly more formal term than "protecting."
"posing an immediate threat to others" -> "constituting an immediate threat to others"
Explanation: "Posing" can be replaced with "constituting" for a more formal and precise expression.
"providing better education" -> "delivering enhanced educational opportunities"
Explanation: "Providing" can be substituted with "delivering," and "better education" can be expanded to "enhanced educational opportunities" for a more formal and detailed expression.
"the potential to identify the root cause" -> "the capability to pinpoint the underlying causes"
Explanation: "Potential" can be replaced with "capability," and "identify" can be substituted with "pinpoint" for a more formal and specific description.
"transform their lives more positively" -> "positively transform their lives"
Explanation: Rearranging the words for a more academically standard word order.
"emphasizes values, ethics, and critical thinking" -> "places emphasis on values, ethics, and critical thinking"
Explanation: Adding "places" before "emphasis" contributes to a more formal structure.
"Last but not least" -> "Lastly"
Explanation: "Last but not least" is a bit informal. "Lastly" is a more concise and formal alternative.
"I am on the whole belief" -> "I firmly believe overall"
Explanation: Restructuring the phrase for better formality and clarity. "On the whole belief" can be replaced with "firmly believe overall."
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the question. It acknowledges the common use of imprisonment and presents a clear stance in favor of better education as a more effective solution. Relevant sections supporting this viewpoint are evident throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance completeness, consider providing a brief acknowledgment or counterargument to the opposing view to demonstrate a deeper engagement with the complexity of the issue.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position in favor of better education. The thesis statement explicitly states the stance, and each paragraph contributes to supporting this viewpoint. Examples, such as the discussion of addressing root causes through education, reinforce the clarity of the position.
- How to improve: Ensure that the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion consistently reinforce and align with the chosen stance. This helps readers follow the argument seamlessly.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas clearly, extends them through examples, and supports them with reasoning. For instance, the discussion on the root causes of criminal behavior and the emphasis on values and critical thinking in education are well-developed.
- How to improve: Consider providing more depth in the analysis of examples. Elaborate further on how education directly addresses specific aspects of criminal behavior, making the argument more nuanced and compelling.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a focus on the topic throughout, discussing the effectiveness of education as a solution to crime. There are no significant deviations from the prompt.
- How to improve: Continue to ensure that each paragraph directly contributes to the central argument and avoids unnecessary details that may divert attention. This helps in maintaining a cohesive and focused response.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt, presents a well-structured argument in favor of better education, and effectively supports its position with relevant examples. To improve further, consider acknowledging opposing views briefly, ensuring consistent reinforcement of the chosen stance, providing more depth in analyzing examples, and maintaining a laser-focused approach in each paragraph.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically. It follows a clear introduction, body paragraphs presenting two contrasting views, and a conclusion. Each paragraph discusses a specific aspect of the argument. However, there’s room for improvement in the logical development of ideas within paragraphs, as some transitions between sentences and points could be smoother.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence, supporting details, and a concluding sentence. Work on improving the transition between ideas, creating a more seamless connection between sentences and paragraphs.
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively, presenting distinct ideas in separate paragraphs. Each paragraph has a central theme related to the prompt. However, some paragraphs could benefit from greater development and elaboration of ideas to enhance overall coherence.
- How to improve: Aim to provide more elaboration within each paragraph by offering specific examples or expanding on supporting details. This will not only improve coherence but also strengthen the depth of your argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses a variety of cohesive devices, such as transitional words and phrases ("On the one hand," "On the other hand," "In conclusion"). These devices contribute to the overall coherence of the essay by signaling shifts between ideas and sections.
- How to improve: Continue using cohesive devices, but strive for even greater diversity. Consider incorporating a broader range of transitional words and phrases to ensure a smooth and varied flow between sentences and paragraphs. This will further enhance the overall cohesion of your essay.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, refining the logical organization within paragraphs, providing more elaborate details, and expanding the range of cohesive devices will contribute to a more sophisticated and cohesive piece of writing. Keep up the good work!
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While there is an attempt to use varied words, some repetition is noticeable, and certain terms are used vaguely, diminishing the impact of the vocabulary. For example, the phrases "engaging in illegalities" and "committing a crime" are used interchangeably, and there is room for more precise vocabulary choices.
- How to improve: To enhance the score, strive for more diversity in word choice. Consider using synonyms and exploring nuanced terms to convey ideas more distinctly. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "crime," experiment with terms like "offense," "misconduct," or "transgression" based on the context.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage is satisfactory, but there are instances where terms could be more specific. For example, the phrase "potentially lower the occurrence" could be more precise, specifying the extent of reduction or using a more impactful verb.
- How to improve: Focus on choosing words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Instead of using vague terms like "potentially," be more explicit. For instance, you could say, "significantly diminish the incidence" to add clarity and precision to your expression.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally accurate spelling level. However, there are a few minor errors, such as "instilling" instead of "installing" and "belief" instead of "belief."
- How to improve: Careful proofreading is crucial. Pay attention to commonly misspelled words and ensure consistency in verb forms. Utilize tools like spell-check and consider having someone else review your work to catch any overlooked errors.
This essay displays a reasonably good command of vocabulary, but improvements can be made by expanding the range, increasing precision, and refining spelling accuracy. Attention to these aspects will contribute to a more polished and sophisticated expression of ideas.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of sentence structures, incorporating both simple and complex constructions. There is effective use of introductory phrases, subordination, and varied sentence lengths, contributing to a coherent and engaging flow. For example, the essay begins with a complex sentence, "Despite the popularity of using prison sentences to deal with illegal activities, in my opinion, better education will be a more effective solution since it negates the problem completely." This variety enhances the overall readability and engagement of the essay.
- How to improve: While the essay already exhibits a diverse range of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences with intricate clauses to further elevate the sophistication of your writing. Introduce different types of sentences, such as compound-complex sentences, to add depth and nuance to your arguments.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a generally high level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances where minor errors occur, such as the phrase "I am on the whole belief," where the correct expression is "I am of the whole belief." Additionally, there’s a missing article in "the importance of instilling a sense of morality," which should be "the importance of instilling a sense of morality." Punctuation is generally well-applied, but some areas could benefit from slight improvement, such as the comma placement in "locking up criminals at crime reduction."
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, carefully review the use of prepositions and articles in your sentences. Pay attention to article usage and consider revising phrases for clarity and precision. Regarding punctuation, ensure consistent and accurate usage, especially in complex sentence structures. Proofread for proper comma placement, ensuring that it enhances readability and does not cause confusion.
Overall, the essay effectively meets the criteria for a Band Score of 7 in Grammatical Range and Accuracy. The suggested improvements aim to refine already strong aspects of your writing, contributing to an even more polished and sophisticated essay.
Bài sửa mẫu
Despite the prevalence of resorting to prison sentences to address illegal activities, in my view, a more effective solution lies in better education, as it comprehensively tackles the issue. This essay will discuss the problem and argue that education is the optimal solution.
On one hand, imprisoning criminals serves as a deterrent, dissuading individuals from participating in illegal activities by making them aware of the potential consequences. The idea is that understanding the punishment for committing a crime may discourage others from engaging in similar behaviors. Additionally, incarcerating individuals who have committed crimes can contribute to safeguarding the community by removing them from society, particularly those constituting an immediate threat to others.
On the other hand, delivering enhanced educational opportunities has the capability to pinpoint the underlying causes of criminal behaviors, such as poverty, lack of opportunities, and social inequalities. By providing individuals with the skills needed for personal and professional growth, education not only addresses the root causes but also positively transforms their lives. It places emphasis on values, ethics, and critical thinking, fostering personal development and social rehabilitation, thus contributing to a more responsible and law-abiding citizen.
Lastly, investing in education as a crime prevention strategy can potentially lower the occurrence of criminal activities by addressing issues early in a person’s life, reducing the likelihood of them turning to crime in the first place.
In conclusion, I firmly believe overall that instilling a sense of morality through education is much more effective than imprisonment in reducing crime. Therefore, I argue that education is a better approach than locking up criminals for crime reduction.