In many countries life expectancy is increasing. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this phenomenon

The development of treatment methods helps the life expectancy of old people increase every day. Although it has some drawbacks, I personally hold the view that it has numerous benefits for the society.

There are many disadvantages of increasing life expectancy. Firstly, the government needs a lot of money to pay for social assistance. In the past, taxes were collected to support old people in five to ten years, but now, we must do it in a long time after their retirement. Secondly, adult people must shoulder responsibility for looking after elderly. As a result, we need to pay tax more than the period before, so it will become a burden for young people in the future.

On the other hand, it has a lot of advantages. The old people have numerous experiences in their lifetime. We can learn a lot of tips to overcome problems. They can also teach the younger generation about their local culture and traditional food as a good way to protect national identity. Second,increasing life expectancy helps old people have more time to live with their family. Parents can accompany their children and become emotional support when they have a failure in their life. Thirdly, the elderly is like a rope to connect family members. When they mature, they don’t have more time to meet their siblings, so the trips home to parents helps them reunite with family.
In conclusion, increasing life expectancy has some drawbacks, however, I think the benefits that it gives the society are more outstanding.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"helps the life expectancy of old people increase" -> "contributes to the increased life expectancy of the elderly"
Explanation: "Contributes to the increased life expectancy of the elderly" is more precise and formal, avoiding the awkward phrasing of "helps the life expectancy of old people increase."
"I personally hold the view" -> "I maintain the perspective"
Explanation: "I maintain the perspective" is a more formal expression suitable for academic writing, replacing the more conversational "I personally hold the view."
"the government needs a lot of money" -> "the government requires substantial funding"
Explanation: "Requires substantial funding" is more precise and formal than "needs a lot of money," which is somewhat colloquial.
"pay for social assistance" -> "finance social support"
Explanation: "Finance social support" is a more precise and formal term than "pay for social assistance."
"adult people" -> "adults"
Explanation: "Adults" is the correct noun form, avoiding the awkward and redundant "adult people."
"shoulder responsibility for looking after elderly" -> "assume responsibility for caring for the elderly"
Explanation: "Assume responsibility for caring for the elderly" is more formal and precise, replacing the less formal "shoulder responsibility for looking after elderly."
"pay tax more than the period before" -> "pay higher taxes than previously"
Explanation: "Pay higher taxes than previously" is clearer and more formal, avoiding the awkward construction of "pay tax more than the period before."
"it will become a burden for young people in the future" -> "this may pose a burden on future generations"
Explanation: "This may pose a burden on future generations" is more formal and avoids the simplistic "it will become a burden for young people in the future."
"The old people have numerous experiences" -> "The elderly have extensive experience"
Explanation: "The elderly have extensive experience" is more formal and avoids the awkward and informal "The old people have numerous experiences."
"We can learn a lot of tips to overcome problems" -> "We can gain numerous insights to address challenges"
Explanation: "Gain numerous insights to address challenges" is more formal and academically appropriate than "learn a lot of tips to overcome problems."
"Second,increasing life expectancy helps old people have more time to live with their family" -> "Second, increased life expectancy enables the elderly to spend more time with their families"
Explanation: "Enables the elderly to spend more time with their families" is more formal and precise, avoiding the awkward and informal "helps old people have more time to live with their family."
"become emotional support when they have a failure in their life" -> "provide emotional support during times of personal failure"
Explanation: "Provide emotional support during times of personal failure" is more formal and avoids the colloquial "when they have a failure in their life."
"the elderly is like a rope to connect family members" -> "the elderly serve as a vital link between family members"
Explanation: "Serve as a vital link between family members" is a more formal and precise expression than the metaphorical and informal "the elderly is like a rope to connect family members."
"the trips home to parents helps them reunite with family" -> "visits to their parents facilitate family reunions"
Explanation: "Visits to their parents facilitate family reunions" is more formal and avoids the awkward and informal "the trips home to parents helps them reunite with family."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both the advantages and disadvantages of increasing life expectancy, which is a key requirement of the prompt. The disadvantages are discussed in the first half, focusing on the financial burden on the government and the responsibilities placed on younger generations. The advantages are then presented, highlighting the value of elderly experiences and their role in family dynamics. However, the discussion of disadvantages is somewhat limited and could benefit from more depth and examples.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should provide more specific examples or statistics to support the claims made about the financial burden and responsibilities. Additionally, expanding on the disadvantages could create a more balanced view, ensuring that each part of the question is thoroughly explored.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear personal stance that the benefits of increased life expectancy outweigh the drawbacks. This position is stated in the introduction and reiterated in the conclusion. However, the transition between discussing disadvantages and advantages could be smoother, as the shift feels abrupt and may confuse readers regarding the overall argument.
- How to improve: To maintain a clearer position throughout, the writer could use transitional phrases to better connect the discussion of disadvantages to advantages. For example, after outlining the drawbacks, a phrase like "Despite these challenges, there are significant benefits that must be acknowledged" could help guide the reader more effectively.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the advantages of increased life expectancy, such as the sharing of experiences and the emotional support provided by elderly family members. However, some points are not fully developed. For instance, the idea of elderly individuals teaching younger generations about culture is mentioned but not elaborated upon, which weakens the overall argument.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point with examples or anecdotes. For instance, discussing specific cultural practices or traditions that the elderly can pass down would provide a stronger connection to the argument and enhance the essay’s persuasiveness.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the implications of increasing life expectancy. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly aligned with the prompt. For example, the mention of "the elderly is like a rope to connect family members" is somewhat vague and could be interpreted in various ways, which detracts from the main focus of the essay.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points directly relate back to the advantages and disadvantages of increasing life expectancy. Clarifying statements and avoiding metaphors that may confuse the reader can help keep the discussion relevant and on track.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, there are areas for improvement in depth, clarity, and coherence that could elevate the score further.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing disadvantages and advantages, and a conclusion. However, the transition between the disadvantages and advantages could be smoother. For instance, the phrase "On the other hand" is used to introduce the advantages, but it could benefit from a more explicit contrast to reinforce the logical flow. The points made are relevant, but the arrangement could be improved to enhance clarity and impact.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clearer transitional phrases that explicitly indicate the shift from one argument to another. For example, instead of "On the other hand," you could use "Conversely" or "In contrast," followed by a brief summary of the previous points before introducing the advantages. Additionally, grouping similar ideas together within the advantages and disadvantages could create a more coherent argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is crucial for readability. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic, which aids in understanding. However, the second paragraph (disadvantages) could be split into two distinct paragraphs to better separate the two main points regarding financial burdens and caregiving responsibilities.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph contains a single main idea or theme. For instance, the first paragraph could focus solely on the financial implications of increased life expectancy, while the second could address the social responsibilities placed on the younger generation. This would not only enhance clarity but also allow for more in-depth exploration of each point.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Secondly," and "On the other hand," which help to structure the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and the essay would benefit from more varied connectors to enhance the flow of ideas. For example, the use of "as a result" is appropriate, but there are opportunities to incorporate other devices like "furthermore," "in addition," or "consequently" to create a more nuanced connection between ideas.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, practice incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, when introducing additional points, you might use "Moreover" or "Additionally." When contrasting ideas, consider phrases like "Nevertheless" or "Despite this." This will not only improve the cohesiveness of the essay but also demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, enhancing the logical organization, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will help elevate the overall quality and coherence of the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable attempt to use a variety of vocabulary, such as "treatment methods," "social assistance," and "emotional support." However, the range is somewhat limited, and there are instances of repetition, particularly with the word "old" and "elderly." For example, the phrase "old people" is used multiple times, which could be replaced with synonyms like "seniors," "the elderly," or "aged individuals" to enhance lexical variety.
- How to improve: To improve vocabulary range, the writer should actively seek synonyms and related terms. A thesaurus can be a helpful tool for finding alternatives. Additionally, incorporating more academic or formal vocabulary, such as "geriatric population" instead of "old people," would elevate the essay’s tone and lexical variety.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally conveys its message, there are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "shoulder responsibility for looking after elderly" could be more clearly expressed as "shoulder the responsibility of caring for the elderly." Additionally, the term "burden" is used, but it could be more effectively contextualized to clarify how it relates to young people and their financial obligations.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on context and clarity. Reviewing sentences for potential ambiguity and rephrasing them for better understanding can help. For instance, instead of saying "the elderly is like a rope to connect family members," a clearer expression might be "the elderly serve as a vital link that connects family members." This not only clarifies the meaning but also improves the overall quality of the writing.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors and punctuation issues, such as "Second,increasing life expectancy" which lacks a space after the comma. Additionally, "the elderly is like a rope" should use "the elderly are" to agree in number. These minor errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling and punctuation, the writer should proofread their work carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors that might be overlooked during regular proofreading. Furthermore, practicing spelling of commonly used academic vocabulary can also enhance overall accuracy.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling will help elevate the Lexical Resource score. Engaging with diverse vocabulary, refining word choice for clarity, and ensuring spelling accuracy are key areas for development.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of "Although it has some drawbacks, I personally hold the view that it has numerous benefits for the society" showcases a complex structure that effectively conveys the author’s opinion. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and similar structures, such as "Firstly," "Secondly," and "On the other hand," which can make the writing feel formulaic.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied introductory phrases or clauses. For example, instead of starting multiple points with "Firstly" or "Secondly," they could use phrases like "One significant drawback is…" or "Conversely, one major advantage is…" This will not only enhance the variety but also improve the flow of ideas.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For example, the phrase "the life expectancy of old people increase every day" should be "increases" to agree with the singular subject "life expectancy." Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as the missing space after "Second," in "Second,increasing life expectancy helps old people…" which affects readability.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and ensure that all sentences are grammatically complete. A thorough proofreading process can help catch these errors. Furthermore, practicing punctuation rules, especially regarding commas and conjunctions, will enhance clarity. For instance, the sentence "increasing life expectancy has some drawbacks, however, I think the benefits that it gives the society are more outstanding" should be revised to "increasing life expectancy has some drawbacks; however, I believe the benefits it provides to society are more significant." This not only corrects the punctuation but also improves the overall coherence of the conclusion.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The development of treatment methods contributes to the increased life expectancy of the elderly every day. Although it has some drawbacks, I personally maintain the perspective that it has numerous benefits for society.

There are many disadvantages to increasing life expectancy. Firstly, the government requires substantial funding to finance social support. In the past, taxes were collected to support elderly people for five to ten years, but now, we must do it for a long time after their retirement. Secondly, adults must assume responsibility for caring for the elderly. As a result, we need to pay higher taxes than previously, which may pose a burden on young people in the future.

On the other hand, there are many advantages. The elderly have extensive experience in their lifetime. We can gain numerous insights to address challenges. They can also teach the younger generation about their local culture and traditional food as a good way to protect national identity. Second, increased life expectancy enables the elderly to spend more time with their families. Parents can accompany their children and provide emotional support during times of personal failure. Thirdly, the elderly serve as a vital link between family members. When they mature, they don’t have as much time to meet their siblings, so visits to their parents facilitate family reunions.

In conclusion, while increasing life expectancy has some drawbacks, I think the benefits it brings to society are more significant.