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in many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. some people say an ageing population creates problems for government. other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. to what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

in many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. some people say an ageing population creates problems for government. other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people.
to what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

In these contemporary era, several nations are facing with the burst of old population growth. While many individuals believe that an aging resident trigger to many drawbacks for the government, I would argue that the benefits of old residents are outweigh the adverse influence. This essay will discuss both sides and support my point of view.
On the one hand, the nations with high rate of elderly will lead to a large amount of limitation in economy. Firstly, the more elderly, the more pension that government has to pay annually. As a result, the source of national money will be run out and it also requires a higher tax that youth citizens must spend on. Secondly, with a high percentage of old employees, the job opportunity is narrower for youngsters or new job-hunters.
On the other hand, the advantage of high proportion of old citizens is outweigh its negative effect. Firstly, living longer is always the high of agenda wish of many people, with longer longevity, bodies can have more time with family, finish their dreams and enjoy their life longer. Likewise, even though the job competition will be higher, those old workers have a seasoned professional experience, which can help employers training newbies more effective and faster. In addition, the high rate of aged is a piece of evidence for the high quality of medical service, environment and community of the nations.
To sum up, although longer longevity limits the development of the country’s economy, it is a valuable benefit for many individuals and it also improves the quality of society.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "In these contemporary era" -> "In the contemporary era"
    Explanation: "Contemporary" already implies the present time, so the phrase "In these contemporary era" is redundant. Simplifying it to "In the contemporary era" maintains formality without unnecessary repetition.

  2. "facing with the burst of old population growth" -> "confronting the surge in elderly population growth"
    Explanation: "Facing with" can be replaced with "confronting," and "burst" may be too informal. "Surge" is a more formal term for rapid growth. The revised phrase enhances the essay’s formality and precision.

  3. "aging resident trigger to many drawbacks" -> "aging population poses numerous drawbacks"
    Explanation: "Aging resident trigger to many drawbacks" lacks precision. Replacing it with "aging population poses numerous drawbacks" provides a clearer and more concise expression, adhering to formal language standards.

  4. "the benefits of old residents are outweigh the adverse influence" -> "the benefits of an aging population outweigh the adverse impact"
    Explanation: "Old residents" is too informal; using "an aging population" is more appropriate. Additionally, "are outweigh" can be improved to "outweigh." The revised phrase maintains formality and clarity.

  5. "nations with high rate of elderly" -> "nations with a high proportion of elderly individuals"
    Explanation: Adding "a" before "high rate of elderly" improves grammatical correctness. The revised phrase is more precise and aligns with academic style.

  6. "the more elderly, the more pension that government has to pay annually" -> "an increasing elderly population results in higher annual pension expenditures for the government"
    Explanation: The original phrase is somewhat awkward. The revision uses a more structured and formal expression to convey the idea clearly.

  7. "it also requires a higher tax that youth citizens must spend on" -> "this also necessitates higher taxes imposed on the younger population"
    Explanation: The original phrase is unclear and informal. The revision provides a clearer expression of the relationship between higher taxes and the younger population.

  8. "job opportunity is narrower for youngsters or new job-hunters" -> "employment opportunities are more limited for young individuals or new job seekers"
    Explanation: "Job opportunity is narrower" lacks precision. Replacing it with "employment opportunities are more limited" is clearer and adheres to formal language conventions.

  9. "the advantage of high proportion of old citizens is outweigh its negative effect" -> "the benefits of a high proportion of elderly citizens outweigh the negative effects"
    Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect. Adding "the benefits of" and changing "is outweigh" to "outweigh" improves clarity and formality.

  10. "living longer is always the high of agenda wish of many people" -> "living longer is a paramount aspiration for many individuals"
    Explanation: The original phrase is awkward. The revision uses more formal language to express the idea of desiring a longer life.

  11. "bodies can have more time with family" -> "individuals can spend more time with their families"
    Explanation: The original phrase is unclear. The revision specifies that it is individuals who can spend more time with their families.

  12. "finish their dreams" -> "accomplish their aspirations"
    Explanation: "Finish their dreams" is an informal expression. Replacing it with "accomplish their aspirations" maintains formality and clarity.

  13. "enjoy their life longer" -> "enjoy a longer life"
    Explanation: "Enjoy their life longer" can be expressed more succinctly as "enjoy a longer life" while maintaining formality.

  14. "Likewise, even though the job competition will be higher" -> "Moreover, despite the increased job competition"
    Explanation: "Likewise" is better replaced with "Moreover" for a smoother transition. Additionally, "even though" is replaced with "despite" for a more formal tone.

  15. "those old workers have a seasoned professional experience" -> "elderly workers possess extensive professional experience"
    Explanation: "Those old workers" is informal. Replacing it with "elderly workers" and using "possess extensive professional experience" conveys the idea more formally.

  16. "which can help employers training newbies more effective and faster" -> "which can enable employers to train newcomers more effectively and efficiently"
    Explanation: "Training newbies more effective and faster" lacks precision. The revision provides a more precise and formal expression of the idea.

  17. "the high rate of aged" -> "the high percentage of elderly individuals"
    Explanation: "The high rate of aged" is unclear. The revision replaces it with "the high percentage of elderly individuals" for better clarity and formality.

  18. "although longer longevity limits the development of the country’s economy" -> "while increased longevity may constrain the development of the country’s economy"
    Explanation: "Although longer longevity limits" can be expressed more formally as "while increased longevity may constrain." This change enhances the overall formality of the sentence.

  19. "it is a valuable benefit for many individuals and it also improves the quality of society" -> "it constitutes a valuable benefit for many individuals and contributes to the improvement of societal quality"
    Explanation: "It is a valuable benefit" is less formal. The revision uses "constitutes" for a more formal tone, and "contributes to the improvement of societal quality" provides a clearer and more formal expression of the idea.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: "In these contemporary era, several nations are facing with the burst of old population growth. While many individuals believe that an aging resident trigger to many drawbacks for the government, I would argue that the benefits of old residents are outweigh the adverse influence. This essay will discuss both sides and support my point of view."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The introduction lacks clarity and coherence. While your position is stated, it could be more explicitly and concisely expressed. Additionally, the phrase "burst of old population growth" is unclear. Consider rephrasing for better clarity and precision. Furthermore, providing a brief overview of the main points that will be discussed in the essay can enhance the structure and guide the reader.
    • Improved example: "In the contemporary era, numerous nations are grappling with a surge in the elderly population. While some argue that an aging population poses challenges for the government, I contend that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. This essay will explore both perspectives before substantiating my viewpoint."
  2. Quoted text: "On the one hand, the nations with high rate of elderly will lead to a large amount of limitation in economy. Firstly, the more elderly, the more pension that government has to pay annually. As a result, the source of national money will be run out and it also requires a higher tax that youth citizens must spend on. Secondly, with a high percentage of old employees, the job opportunity is narrower for youngsters or new job-hunters."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The first body paragraph addresses economic limitations but lacks specificity and coherence. Provide more concrete examples and elaborate on how the increased pension burden and higher taxes affect the economy. Additionally, ensure a smooth flow of ideas to enhance coherence.
    • Improved example: "Firstly, a higher elderly population results in increased government spending on pensions, depleting national funds. This, in turn, necessitates higher taxes, placing a financial burden on the younger generation. For instance, in countries with a significant elderly demographic, the strain on social security systems often leads to increased tax rates, affecting the disposable income of the working-age population."
  3. Quoted text: "On the other hand, the advantage of high proportion of old citizens is outweigh its negative effect. Firstly, living longer is always the high of agenda wish of many people, with longer longevity, bodies can have more time with family, finish their dreams and enjoy their life longer. Likewise, even though the job competition will be higher, those old workers have a seasoned professional experience, which can help employers training newbies more effective and faster. In addition, the high rate of aged is a piece of evidence for the high quality of medical service, environment and community of the nations."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The second body paragraph is somewhat disjointed and lacks clarity in connecting ideas. Additionally, the phrase "the high of agenda wish" is unclear. Clearly state the advantages and elaborate on each with specific examples for a more persuasive argument.
    • Improved example: "Firstly, the desire for longer life is a universal aspiration, allowing individuals to spend more quality time with their families and fulfill personal aspirations. For instance, elderly individuals often have the opportunity to pursue long-postponed dreams. Moreover, despite increased job competition, older workers bring valuable experience, aiding in the efficient training of new employees. Additionally, a higher proportion of elderly individuals can be indicative of a nation’s commitment to providing quality medical services, maintaining a healthy environment, and fostering a strong sense of community."

Overall, the essay presents ideas but lacks specificity and coherence in supporting arguments, resulting in a Band 6 score. To improve, focus on providing concrete examples, refining language for clarity, and ensuring a logical flow of ideas throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates coherence and cohesion to a reasonable extent. It presents ideas in a generally logical order, with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing advantages and disadvantages, and a conclusion. However, there are some issues with cohesion within and between sentences. For instance, the transition between the advantages and disadvantages could be smoother. Additionally, there are instances of faulty or mechanical cohesion, and referencing is not always clear or appropriately used. Paragraphing is somewhat logical but could be improved for better organization.

How to improve:

  1. Enhance Cohesion: Ensure a smoother transition between ideas and paragraphs. Use a variety of cohesive devices more effectively to create a more seamless flow.
  2. Refine Referencing: Make referencing and substitution clearer. Connect ideas more explicitly to improve overall coherence.
  3. Logical Paragraphing: Review and improve the logical organization of paragraphs. Each paragraph should focus on a clear central topic, contributing to the overall progression of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing some flexibility and precision. There is an attempt to use less common lexical items with awareness of style and collocation. While occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation are present, they do not significantly impede communication. The essay effectively presents arguments on both sides of the issue, showcasing a variety of vocabulary to express ideas.

How to improve: To move to a higher band score, focus on refining the accuracy of word choice and addressing spelling and word formation errors. Additionally, strive for more nuanced use of less common lexical items to enhance the sophistication of expression. Consider further developing the coherence and cohesion of ideas to strengthen the overall lexical resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures. There is an attempt to use a variety of structures, but there are noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation that occasionally affect communication. The essay contains instances of awkward phrasing and imprecise language use.

How to Improve: To enhance grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on refining sentence structures and ensuring clearer expression. Attention to verb tenses, subject-verb agreement, and word choice is necessary. Additionally, a thorough proofreading to eliminate punctuation errors and enhance overall coherence would contribute to a higher band score. Consider using more varied vocabulary to add sophistication to the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary era, many nations are grappling with a surge in the elderly population. While some argue that an aging population poses various challenges for the government, I contend that the advantages of having older residents outweigh the drawbacks. This essay will explore both perspectives and elucidate my stance.

On one hand, countries with a high proportion of elderly citizens may encounter economic limitations. Firstly, an increased number of elderly individuals necessitates higher annual pension payments from the government, depleting national funds. This, in turn, may lead to elevated taxes for the younger population. Secondly, a workforce predominantly composed of older employees may result in a narrower job market for young individuals or new job seekers.

On the other hand, the benefits of a substantial elderly population outweigh its negative impact. Firstly, the desire for a longer life is a common aspiration, allowing individuals more time to spend with family, pursue their dreams, and enjoy a lengthier life. Moreover, despite heightened job competition, older workers bring valuable professional experience, facilitating more effective and rapid training of new employees for employers. Additionally, a high proportion of elderly individuals can serve as an indicator of the quality of medical services, environmental conditions, and the overall community in a nation.

In conclusion, while an extended lifespan may impose constraints on a country’s economic development, it undeniably represents a valuable benefit for many individuals, contributing to an enhanced quality of society.

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