In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people.
To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

Human lifespan has been prolonged significantly in recent years. I believe that the drawbacks of the aging population far outweigh the benefits because although the older generation may help retain some national cultures, they can also be a significant burden on the government as a vast amount of tax money is spent on their care.

The main advantage of the elderly is that they tend to value cultural heritage more than young generations. Cultural traditions are passed down from one generation to the next, and the longer a person lives, the more immersed they become in their cultural identity. As a result, older individuals tend to place a greater emphasis on preserving cultural traditions. For example, Vietnamese parents and grandparents often teach their children how to prepare Chung cake, a traditional celebration of the Lunar New Year. However, Gen Z nowadays are less likely to follow this tradition because of the hustle life they are pursuing. This may be viewed as a cultural loss, but I think it is an understandable circumstance.

The old generation poses a primary disadvantage to the government as they have to allocate a huge portion of their fund to cater to the elderly, which often leads to limited budgets for other social development plans. Public services provided for the elderly include healthcare, transportation, pension, and various other necessities. This can amount to millions of dollars in annual spending. For instance, instead of paying thousands of dollars each month for the elderly, the government can minimize this expense and use that money to build more schools in rural areas, which promotes the country's development in the long run. Therefore, I believe that the most important consideration is to redistribute the government’s funds for other long-term development rather than taking care of older people.

In conclusion, although some national cultures could be preserved when older people live longer, I believe country development and investment in young generations are more beneficial.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

1. "I believe that the drawbacks of the aging population far outweigh the benefits" -> "I contend that the disadvantages of an aging population outweigh the benefits"
   Explanation: "Far outweigh" is a more colloquial expression; replacing it with "outweigh" maintains the formal tone of the essay.
2. "vast amount of tax money" -> "substantial portion of tax revenue"
   Explanation: "Vast amount" is somewhat informal; "substantial portion" is a more formal and precise term.
3. "The main advantage of the elderly" -> "The primary benefit of older individuals"
   Explanation: "Elderly" is somewhat informal; "older individuals" is more neutral and formal.
4. "For example, Vietnamese parents and grandparents often teach their children how to prepare Chung cake" -> "For instance, Vietnamese parents and grandparents frequently impart the knowledge of making Chung cake to their offspring"
   Explanation: "Teach" is replaced with "impart the knowledge" for a more formal tone, and "often" is replaced with "frequently" for precision.
5. "Gen Z nowadays" -> "Contemporary members of Generation Z"
   Explanation: "Nowadays" is colloquial; "Contemporary members of Generation Z" is more formal and specific.
6. "hustle life" -> "fast-paced lifestyle"
   Explanation: "Hustle life" is informal; "fast-paced lifestyle" is more formal and clearer in meaning.
7. "This may be viewed as a cultural loss, but I think it is an understandable circumstance" -> "While this may be perceived as a loss of cultural heritage, I believe it is a comprehensible phenomenon"
   Explanation: Replacing "viewed" with "perceived" and "understandable circumstance" with "comprehensible phenomenon" enhances the formality and clarity of the sentence.
8. "The old generation poses a primary disadvantage to the government" -> "The older population presents a significant challenge for governmental resources"
   Explanation: "Old generation" is somewhat informal; "older population

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both sides of the argument regarding the advantages and disadvantages of an ageing population. It acknowledges the cultural benefits of older generations while also highlighting the financial burden they pose on governments.
  • How to improve: To further enhance task response, consider delving deeper into the advantages of an ageing population beyond cultural preservation. Additionally, ensure that each aspect of the prompt is thoroughly explored to provide a more comprehensive analysis.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance throughout, asserting that the disadvantages of an ageing population outweigh the benefits. This position is evident in the thesis statement and consistently reinforced in the body paragraphs.
  • How to improve: To strengthen clarity, ensure that each paragraph directly supports the central argument without introducing conflicting viewpoints or ambiguity. Additionally, reiterate the stance in the conclusion for emphasis.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents and supports its ideas with relevant examples and reasoning. It elaborates on the cultural significance of older generations and provides a clear rationale for why the financial burden they impose outweighs any benefits.
  • How to improve: To enhance idea development, consider further expanding on the societal implications of an ageing population, such as impacts on healthcare systems, workforce dynamics, and intergenerational relationships. Additionally, provide more nuanced analysis and evidence to strengthen the argumentation.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic by addressing the advantages and disadvantages of an ageing population as outlined in the prompt. However, there is a brief tangent discussing the allocation of government funds for education, which slightly deviates from the main focus.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that all points raised directly relate to the central theme of the ageing population’s implications for society and government. Minimize tangential discussions that may distract from the main argument.

Overall, while the essay effectively presents a clear position and supports its ideas with relevant examples, there is room for improvement in fully addressing all aspects of the prompt and maintaining focus throughout. By refining the analysis and providing more comprehensive coverage of the topic, the essay could achieve a higher band score for task response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:
  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear organizational structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the topic, starting with an overview of the advantages of an aging population and then transitioning to the disadvantages. The progression of ideas is logical and sequential, guiding the reader through the argument effectively.
  • How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider incorporating more explicit transitions between paragraphs to strengthen the coherence between ideas. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph maintains a clear focus on its respective topic to avoid any potential confusion for the reader.
• Use Paragraphs:
  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively utilizes paragraphs to structure the content, with each paragraph dedicated to a specific aspect of the topic. The introduction sets the stage by introducing the topic and the writer’s stance, while the body paragraphs delve into the advantages and disadvantages of an aging population. The conclusion succinctly summarizes the main points discussed.
  • How to improve: While the essay employs paragraphs appropriately, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence can enhance coherence and aid in guiding the reader through the essay’s argument. Additionally, consider varying the length and complexity of sentences within paragraphs to maintain reader engagement.
• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory use of cohesive devices to connect ideas within and between sentences. Cohesive devices such as pronouns ("they," "this"), conjunctions ("although," "however"), and transitional phrases ("for example," "in conclusion") are utilized to establish coherence and cohesion throughout the essay.
  • How to improve: To further enrich cohesion, consider incorporating a wider variety of cohesive devices, such as synonyms, parallel structures, and transitional adverbs. Additionally, ensure that the usage of cohesive devices is consistent throughout the essay to maintain coherence and clarity for the reader.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of vocabulary throughout. It effectively employs terms such as "prolonged," "drawbacks," "immersed," "cultural loss," "allocate," "necessities," "minimize," and "redistribute," among others. These choices enhance the depth of expression and contribute to the coherence of the argument.
  • How to improve: While the essay showcases a good range of vocabulary, further enhancement could be achieved by incorporating more specialized terminology related to the topic. For instance, introducing terms like "gerontology" (the study of aging) or "geriatric care" could enrich discussions concerning the challenges and opportunities associated with an aging population.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with precision, effectively conveying ideas and arguments. For example, the phrase "prolonged significantly" accurately captures the idea of increased longevity. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more precise. For instance, the term "limited budgets" could be replaced with "constrained financial resources," offering a more precise description of the fiscal challenges faced by governments.
  • How to improve: To further enhance precision, consider utilizing more specific vocabulary to articulate nuanced concepts. For instance, instead of using the broad term "development plans," one could employ terms like "infrastructure initiatives" or "social welfare programs," depending on the context, to provide clearer and more targeted descriptions.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally accurate spelling throughout. There are no glaring spelling errors that detract from comprehension. However, it’s essential to maintain consistency and vigilance in spelling accuracy to ensure the professionalism and credibility of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy further, consider incorporating proofreading techniques such as reading the essay aloud, using spell-check tools, or seeking feedback from peers or educators. Additionally, familiarizing oneself with common spelling pitfalls and practicing regularly can help reinforce spelling proficiency over time.

Overall, while the essay effectively utilizes a wide range of vocabulary and demonstrates generally accurate spelling, further attention to precision and refinement of vocabulary could elevate the sophistication of expression. Additionally, maintaining consistent spelling accuracy is crucial for upholding the professionalism and clarity of the writing. By implementing targeted strategies for vocabulary enhancement and spelling improvement, the essay can strengthen its overall impact and effectiveness in conveying ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of sentence structures. It effectively employs simple, compound, and complex sentences, enhancing the overall readability and coherence of the essay. For instance, the writer adeptly employs compound sentences to present contrasting viewpoints: "Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people." Additionally, the essay features complex sentences to provide detailed explanations and examples, such as: "Cultural traditions are passed down from one generation to the next, and the longer a person lives, the more immersed they become in their cultural identity."
  • How to improve: While the essay showcases a satisfactory variety of sentence structures, further enhancement could be achieved by incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as those involving subordinate clauses or participial phrases. This would add depth to the analysis and elevate the sophistication of the writing style. For instance, integrating sentences with relative clauses or appositives could enrich the essay’s complexity and fluency.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation. Sentences are appropriately constructed, and punctuation marks are used effectively to convey meaning and maintain clarity. For example, the writer employs commas to separate items in a series and to set off introductory phrases, enhancing readability. Furthermore, subject-verb agreement and tense consistency are consistently maintained throughout the essay, contributing to its coherence.
  • How to improve: While grammatical accuracy is generally maintained, occasional errors are present, albeit minor. For instance, in the sentence "For instance, instead of paying thousands of dollars each month for the elderly, the government can minimize this expense and use that money to build more schools in rural areas, which promotes the country’s development in the long run," the phrase "which promotes the country’s development in the long run" lacks subject-verb agreement, as "which" should be "which would promote." Therefore, to further refine grammatical accuracy, careful proofreading and revision are recommended to identify and rectify such errors. Additionally, paying attention to sentence structure complexity can also aid in avoiding potential grammatical pitfalls.

Bài sửa mẫu

Human lifespans have significantly extended in recent times. I contend that the disadvantages of an aging population outweigh the benefits. While the elderly may contribute to the preservation of national cultures, they also impose a substantial burden on government resources due to the significant amount of tax money spent on their care.

One advantage of an aging population is their tendency to cherish cultural heritage more than younger generations. Cultural traditions are passed down through generations, and the longer individuals live, the more deeply connected they become to their cultural identity. Consequently, older individuals often prioritize preserving cultural traditions. For instance, Vietnamese parents and grandparents frequently pass down the tradition of preparing Chung cake, a traditional Lunar New Year celebration. However, younger generations, such as Gen Z, are increasingly less inclined to follow such traditions due to their busy lifestyles. While this may be seen as a loss of culture, it is understandable given the circumstances.

However, the primary disadvantage of an aging population is the strain it places on government resources. A significant portion of funds must be allocated to cater to the needs of the elderly, leaving limited budgets for other social development initiatives. Public services for the elderly, including healthcare, transportation, and pensions, entail substantial annual expenditures. Instead of channeling vast sums into elderly care, the government could redirect these funds towards long-term development projects, such as building schools in rural areas, thereby fostering the country’s advancement.

In conclusion, while an aging population may contribute to the preservation of certain cultural traditions, I believe that investing in the development of younger generations and overall country progress should take precedence over solely focusing on the needs of older individuals.