In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?
In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people.
To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?
Currently, many countries in the world have their population live longer, which result in an ageing society where there are more old people than young people. Although it is indeed that old society provides an experienced workforce to the country, its long-term effect is much worse because it can cause reduction of manufacturing productivity. With that in mind, I think the negative aspects of an ageing society outweigh the positive aspects.
On the one hand, an ageing society has many experienced workers. There are more senior workers to teach and guide the young people to work effectively due to their valuable knowledge and experiences. In addition, it is really helpful to have experienced employees because they have a good work ethic and exceptional working skills. Moreover, most people who are a leader of a company are often in a dawning age. For example, a recent study showed that 80% of CEOs and professionists are more than 50 years old.
On the other hand, the benefit of an ageing population is only short-term, but the drawback of an old society is more severe such as a decrease in productivity. An ageing society is a society where the number of young adults who are in working age is decreasing while the number of old adults ,who are retired or in their final years of working, is increasing. Furthermore, workers who are in their 20s and 30s produce the most products for a company. Consequently, if people of a society continue to age, there will be less young people in the future. That leads to decline of productivity. For instance, Japan has witnessed an ageing population for decades. The country’s GDP has decreased from 2000 to 2024 due to the lack of a young workforce
In conclusion, despite the number of experienced workers is rising, the far-reaching consequences of an ageing society cannot be neglected. Authorities should take effective steps to tackle this problem to mitigate the negative effects of an ageing population.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"many countries in the world have their population live longer" -> "many countries worldwide have populations that are living longer"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The suggested revision corrects the grammatical structure and uses more formal language suitable for academic writing. -
"which result in an ageing society" -> "which leads to an ageing society"
Explanation: "Result in" is a less formal and less precise term than "leads to," which is more commonly used in academic discourse to indicate causality. -
"it is indeed that old society" -> "it is indeed the case that an ageing society"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The revision clarifies the meaning and maintains a formal tone. -
"its long-term effect is much worse" -> "its long-term effects are significantly detrimental"
Explanation: "Much worse" is vague and informal; "significantly detrimental" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style. -
"can cause reduction of manufacturing productivity" -> "may lead to a reduction in manufacturing productivity"
Explanation: "Can cause" is too direct and informal; "may lead to" is more cautious and academically appropriate, indicating potential consequences. -
"With that in mind, I think" -> "Considering this, it is argued that"
Explanation: "I think" is too personal and informal for academic writing. "It is argued that" introduces a more objective and formal tone. -
"There are more senior workers to teach and guide" -> "there are more senior workers who can teach and guide"
Explanation: Adding "who can" clarifies the subject’s capability, enhancing the sentence’s clarity and formality. -
"it is really helpful" -> "it is indeed beneficial"
Explanation: "Really" is informal and subjective; "indeed beneficial" is more formal and objective. -
"exceptional working skills" -> "exceptional work skills"
Explanation: "Working skills" is redundant; "work skills" is the correct term. -
"a dawning age" -> "a mature age"
Explanation: "Dawning age" is an unclear and informal expression. "Mature age" is precise and appropriate for formal writing. -
"professionists" -> "professionals"
Explanation: "Professionists" is not a standard term; "professionals" is the correct word. -
"the benefit of an ageing population is only short-term" -> "the benefits of an ageing population are primarily short-term"
Explanation: "Benefit" should be plural to match "benefits," and "primarily" is more precise than "only." -
"the drawback of an old society" -> "the drawbacks of an ageing society"
Explanation: "Old society" is vague and informal; "ageing society" is the correct term and more formal. -
"a decrease in productivity" -> "a decline in productivity"
Explanation: "Decrease" is less formal; "decline" is preferred in academic contexts to describe a downward trend. -
"workers who are in their 20s and 30s produce the most products" -> "workers in their 20s and 30s are the most productive"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and imprecise. The revision clarifies the meaning and uses more formal language. -
"That leads to decline of productivity" -> "This leads to a decline in productivity"
Explanation: "That" is incorrectly used; "This" is the correct pronoun to refer back to the preceding idea. Also, "decline of" should be "decline in" for grammatical correctness. -
"Authorities should take effective steps" -> "authorities should implement effective measures"
Explanation: "Take steps" is somewhat informal; "implement measures" is more precise and formal, suitable for an academic context.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of an ageing population. The writer acknowledges the benefits of having experienced workers but ultimately argues that the disadvantages, particularly the decline in productivity, outweigh these benefits. However, the essay could have more explicitly stated the advantages and disadvantages in a balanced manner, rather than leaning heavily towards the negative aspects. For instance, while the benefits of experienced workers are mentioned, the essay does not explore other potential advantages such as increased volunteerism or the wisdom of older generations contributing to society.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should aim for a more balanced discussion. The writer could dedicate a paragraph to elaborating on the benefits of an ageing population, providing specific examples or statistics to support these claims. This would demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic and ensure that all parts of the question are addressed equally.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that the disadvantages of an ageing population outweigh the advantages. This stance is consistent throughout the essay, particularly in the conclusion. However, the argument could be strengthened by more explicitly linking the points made in the body paragraphs back to this central thesis. For example, while the conclusion states that the negative aspects cannot be neglected, it could reiterate how the points made in the body paragraphs support this claim.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity and consistency, the writer should ensure that each paragraph clearly ties back to the main argument. Using phrases like "This supports my argument that…" or "Therefore, this illustrates…" can help reinforce the position throughout the essay.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to both the advantages and disadvantages of an ageing population. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat limited. For instance, while the mention of experienced workers is a valid point, the essay lacks depth in exploring how this experience translates into tangible benefits for society. Additionally, the argument regarding productivity decline is made, but it could be further supported with more detailed examples or data.
- How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point made. This could involve providing more detailed examples, statistics, or studies that illustrate the impact of an ageing population on productivity and the workforce. Including counterarguments and addressing them could also strengthen the overall argument.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the implications of an ageing population. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more focused. For example, the mention of Japan’s GDP decline is relevant, but the connection to the ageing population could be made clearer. The essay sometimes drifts into general statements about productivity without directly linking back to the ageing population.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central question of whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. This can be achieved by explicitly linking examples and arguments back to the thesis statement and ensuring that all discussions are relevant to the prompt.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, but it could benefit from a more balanced exploration of both sides, deeper support for ideas, and tighter focus on the prompt.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the advantages and disadvantages of an ageing population. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, clearly stating the writer’s position. The body paragraphs are organized into two distinct sections: one outlining the benefits of an ageing population and the other discussing the drawbacks. However, the transition between the two paragraphs could be improved to enhance the logical flow. For instance, the shift from discussing the benefits to the drawbacks feels abrupt, and a linking sentence could help guide the reader more smoothly.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases at the beginning of the second paragraph to signal a shift in focus. For example, phrases like "However," or "On the contrary," can help clarify that the discussion is moving from positive to negative aspects. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence can help reinforce the main idea of that section.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, making it easier for the reader to follow the writer’s reasoning. However, the second paragraph could benefit from further subdivision, as it contains multiple points that could be more clearly articulated if broken down into two smaller paragraphs.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, consider dividing the second body paragraph into two separate paragraphs: one focusing on the short-term benefits of an ageing population and the other on the long-term drawbacks. This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each point and help maintain clarity. Each paragraph should ideally contain a clear main idea, supporting details, and a concluding sentence that ties back to the overall argument.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which effectively signal contrasting ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences and ideas could be strengthened. For example, the phrase "for instance" is used effectively, but more varied devices could enhance the overall cohesion of the essay.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, use "Furthermore," "Additionally," or "Moreover" to add information, and "In contrast," "Conversely," or "Nevertheless" to indicate opposing ideas. Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas, which can help create a smoother flow between sentences. This will not only improve cohesion but also enhance the overall readability of the essay.
By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score in this criterion.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "ageing society," "experienced workforce," and "manufacturing productivity." However, the vocabulary used tends to be somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "ageing society" and "experienced workers," which appear multiple times without variation. This limits the overall lexical diversity and richness of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer could incorporate synonyms or related phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "experienced workers," alternatives like "seasoned professionals" or "veteran employees" could be employed. Additionally, exploring more complex vocabulary related to the topic, such as "demographic shift," "economic implications," or "intergenerational knowledge transfer," would enrich the essay.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "it is indeed that old society provides an experienced workforce." This phrase is awkward and could be better articulated. The term "dawning age" is also unclear and seems to be a misinterpretation of "dawning" in this context, which could confuse readers.
- How to improve: Precision can be improved by ensuring that vocabulary accurately reflects the intended meaning. For example, the writer could revise the awkward phrase to "it is undeniable that an ageing society contributes a wealth of experience to the workforce." Clarifying terms and ensuring they fit the context will enhance the overall clarity and effectiveness of the argument.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains correct spelling, but there are a few notable errors, such as "professionists," which should be "professionals." Additionally, "the number of old adults ,who are retired" contains an unnecessary space before the comma, which detracts from the overall presentation.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully or utilize spelling and grammar checking tools. Regular practice with vocabulary lists and writing exercises can also help reinforce correct spelling. Paying attention to common errors, such as the correct forms of words (e.g., "professionals" instead of "professionists"), will also be beneficial.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, enhancing vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy will contribute to a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of phrases like "Although it is indeed that old society provides an experienced workforce to the country" showcases an attempt at a complex structure. However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and grammatical inaccuracies that detract from the overall effectiveness. For example, "which result in an ageing society" should be "which results in an ageing society" to maintain subject-verb agreement. Additionally, the sentence "the benefit of an ageing population is only short-term" could be more effectively expressed as "the benefits of an ageing population are only short-term."
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should practice incorporating more varied conjunctions and transition phrases to connect ideas smoothly. For example, using "Furthermore," "Moreover," or "In contrast" can help create more complex sentences that clearly articulate relationships between ideas. Additionally, revising awkward or incorrect phrases for clarity and grammatical accuracy will strengthen the overall impact of the writing.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect clarity. For instance, the phrase "the number of old adults ,who are retired" has an unnecessary space before the comma, which disrupts the flow. Additionally, the sentence "the far-reaching consequences of an ageing society cannot be neglected" could be more effectively stated as "the far-reaching consequences of an ageing society cannot be ignored." There are also issues with subject-verb agreement, as seen in "the number of experienced workers is rising," where "number" is singular and should be followed by "is" rather than "are."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, ensuring that singular subjects are matched with singular verbs and plural subjects with plural verbs. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly those focusing on common errors, can also be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading for punctuation errors, such as misplaced commas and spacing issues, will enhance the overall clarity of the writing. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrasing and grammatical inconsistencies that may not be immediately apparent in written form.
Bài sửa mẫu
Currently, many countries in the world have populations that are living longer, which results in an ageing society where there are more old people than young people. Although it is indeed the case that an ageing society provides an experienced workforce to the country, its long-term effects are significantly detrimental because it can cause a reduction in manufacturing productivity. Considering this, I think the negative aspects of an ageing society outweigh the positive aspects.
On the one hand, an ageing society has many experienced workers. There are more senior workers who can teach and guide young people to work effectively due to their valuable knowledge and experiences. In addition, it is indeed beneficial to have experienced employees because they have a good work ethic and exceptional work skills. Moreover, most people who are leaders of companies are often of a mature age. For example, a recent study showed that 80% of CEOs and professionals are more than 50 years old.
On the other hand, the benefits of an ageing population are primarily short-term, while the drawbacks of an ageing society are more severe, such as a decrease in productivity. An ageing society is one where the number of young adults who are of working age is decreasing, while the number of old adults, who are retired or in their final years of working, is increasing. Furthermore, workers in their 20s and 30s are the most productive. Consequently, if the population continues to age, there will be fewer young people in the future. This leads to a decline in productivity. For instance, Japan has witnessed an ageing population for decades. The country’s GDP has decreased from 2000 to 2024 due to the lack of a young workforce.
In conclusion, despite the number of experienced workers rising, the far-reaching consequences of an ageing society cannot be neglected. Authorities should implement effective measures to tackle this problem and mitigate the negative effects of an ageing population.
