In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?
In many nations, residents are experiencing longer lifespans than ever before. While many people argue that having a ageing population poses challenge for governments, others believe that it is advantageous to have more elderly individuals. In my opinion, the drawbacks of this statement outweigh the benefits.
On the one hand, having an ageing population may bring certain benefits. Older people can accumulate wisdom and experience and pass it on to the younger generation. Older individuals can provide valuable insights and guidance base on their year of living and working. For instance, in Japan, older citizens are often sought after for their long-standing expertise in various fields as business. Their experience can contribute to better social development.
On the other hand, the negative side of an ageing population are more significant. Older citizens may pose challenges for social welfare systems. Ageing population are more likely to require medical attention and support service, which can pose a heavy financial burden of governments. Moreover, the workforce decline resulting from an ageing population, can take a heavy burden on productivity an economic grow. For instance, many European countries facing the steadily increase in the ratio of non-working individual, that give rise to a reduction intax revenue in these nations.
In conclusion, while there are several benefits of ageing population, I am convinced that the downsides of this trend including the burden on welfare systems and the effects on labor force, are more significant.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
"having a ageing population" -> "having an aging population"
Explanation: The word "ageing" should be corrected to "aging" to maintain proper spelling and formality in academic writing.
"base on their year of living and working" -> "based on their years of living and working"
Explanation: The phrase should be corrected to "based on their years of living and working" for grammatical correctness and clarity.
"in various fields as business" -> "in various business fields"
Explanation: The phrase should be revised to "in various business fields" for better word choice and clarity.
"pose challenges for social welfare systems" -> "pose challenges to social welfare systems"
Explanation: The preposition "to" should be used to indicate the direction of the challenge, making the sentence more grammatically precise.
"Ageing population are more likely" -> "An aging population is more likely"
Explanation: "Ageing population" should be changed to "An aging population" for correct subject-verb agreement and clarity.
"financial burden of governments" -> "financial burden on governments"
Explanation: The preposition "on" is more appropriate in this context to indicate the impact of the burden on governments.
"productivity an economic grow" -> "productivity and economic growth"
Explanation: The phrase should be revised to "productivity and economic growth" for proper grammar and clarity.
"steadily increase in the ratio" -> "steady increase in the ratio"
Explanation: "steadily increase" should be corrected to "steady increase" to convey a consistent and continuous rise in the ratio.
"reduction intax revenue" -> "reduction in tax revenue"
Explanation: The words "in tax" should be separated for correct spelling and clarity.
"are more significant." -> "outweigh the benefits."
Explanation: The final sentence could be revised for better clarity and conciseness, such as "outweigh the benefits" to emphasize the conclusion.
Overall, these improvements aim to correct spelling errors, enhance grammatical accuracy, and make the language more formal and suitable for academic writing.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8 – UNDER WORD
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally addresses all parts of the question. It discusses both the advantages and disadvantages of having an aging population and offers an opinion. However, it could provide a more detailed analysis of the advantages and disadvantages.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay could provide specific examples and statistics related to the advantages and disadvantages of an aging population. This would make the analysis more comprehensive and convincing.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, stating that the disadvantages of having an aging population outweigh the benefits. This position is consistently supported in the essay.
- How to improve: No improvement needed in this aspect. The clarity and consistency of the position are well-maintained.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents and extends ideas, but there is room for improvement in providing more specific and detailed support for these ideas. For example, when discussing the benefits of older people’s wisdom, the essay could provide examples of how this has positively impacted societies.
- How to improve: To enhance the essay, it should offer concrete examples, statistics, or studies that illustrate the points being made. This would make the arguments more persuasive and compelling.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the advantages and disadvantages of an aging population. However, there is a slight deviation when it mentions "older citizens may pose challenges for social welfare systems." While relevant, it would be beneficial to link this back more explicitly to the question’s focus on the extent to which advantages outweigh disadvantages.
- How to improve: To stay more on topic, the essay can connect the challenges posed by older citizens to the overall balance of advantages and disadvantages. For instance, it could explain how these challenges contribute to the overall disadvantage of having an aging population.
Overall, this essay demonstrates a strong grasp of the topic and maintains a clear position throughout. To improve, it should provide more detailed evidence and examples to support its arguments and ensure that all points made directly relate to the central question of the advantages and disadvantages of an aging population.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. It begins with an introduction that presents the topic and the writer’s opinion, followed by two body paragraphs that discuss advantages and disadvantages. Finally, it concludes with a clear summary of the writer’s stance. However, there is a minor issue with the use of transitional phrases, which could be improved for smoother transitions between ideas.
- How to improve: To enhance the logical flow, the writer should make more effective use of transitional words and phrases, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," to guide the reader through the argument.
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to structure the content. There is a clear separation between the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph focuses on a single point and presents it coherently.
- How to improve: No specific improvements are needed in this aspect. The essay successfully utilizes paragraphs.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a reasonable range of cohesive devices to connect ideas. Examples of cohesive devices include words like "while," "on the one hand," "on the other hand," and "moreover," which help to link and transition between different points.
- How to improve: To further enhance cohesion, the writer can consider using a wider variety of cohesive devices and ensure that they are used consistently throughout the essay. Additionally, pay attention to sentence structure and word choice to maintain cohesion.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and cohesion, with clear paragraph structure and logical organization. Improvements can be made by refining the use of transitional phrases for smoother transitions between ideas and expanding the repertoire of cohesive devices for a more varied and seamless connection between sentences and paragraphs.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary. It uses words and phrases such as "accumulating wisdom," "valuable insights," "long-standing expertise," and "social development." These terms contribute to a diverse vocabulary. However, there is room for improvement in utilizing a wider variety of vocabulary to enrich the essay further.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider incorporating more specific and contextually appropriate words and phrases. Instead of repeatedly using the term "older individuals," you could use synonyms like "seniors," "elderly citizens," or "the elderly" when applicable. Expanding the vocabulary in this way will add depth and variety to your expression.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary precisely, with no significant instances of imprecise usage. However, there are some minor issues. For example, the phrase "in my opinion" could be replaced with "I firmly believe," which is more precise and authoritative. Also, in the sentence "older citizens may pose challenges for social welfare systems," the term "pose challenges" could be replaced with "exert pressure on," making the expression more precise.
- How to improve: To achieve even greater precision, carefully choose words and phrases that convey your intended meaning without ambiguity. Avoid overusing generic terms and strive to use vocabulary that perfectly fits the context.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. There are only minor spelling errors, such as "a ageing" (should be "an ageing") and "grow" (should be "growth"). These errors do not significantly hinder comprehension, but improving spelling accuracy is essential for achieving a higher score.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider proofreading your essay carefully before submission. You can also use spelling and grammar check tools available in word processing software or online. Practicing spelling and proofreading regularly can help you become more confident in this aspect.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a reasonably strong grasp of vocabulary and spelling, but there is room for improvement, particularly in expanding the range of vocabulary and ensuring precision in word choice. Keep practicing and refining your language skills to achieve a higher band score for Lexical Resource in future essays.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay primarily relies on simple and compound sentence structures. While there is some variety in sentence length, there is a lack of complex and compound-complex sentences. For example, the essay could benefit from the use of conditional sentences, relative clauses, and more complex sentence structures to enhance clarity and sophistication.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating conditional sentences (e.g., "If governments invest in healthcare…"), relative clauses (e.g., "Older citizens, who have accumulated years of experience…"), and compound-complex sentences (e.g., "Although an ageing population has benefits, governments must also address the challenges it presents.").
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical and punctuation errors that affect clarity and comprehension. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement (e.g., "residents are experiencing longer lifespans" should be "residents are experiencing longer lifespans are experiencing longer lifespans"), word choice (e.g., "I am convinced that the downsides of this trend including" should be "I am convinced that the downsides of this trend, including"), and missing articles (e.g., "a ageing population" should be "an ageing population"). Additionally, there are some missing commas and issues with comma placement.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, carefully proofread the essay for subject-verb agreement, word choice, and article usage. Also, pay attention to comma placement to ensure clarity and proper punctuation. Consider seeking feedback from peers or using grammar-checking tools to catch and correct these errors.
Bài sửa mẫu
In numerous countries, citizens are now enjoying longer lifespans than ever before. Some argue that having an aging population presents challenges for governments, while others contend that there are advantages to having more elderly individuals. In my view, the disadvantages of this situation outweigh the benefits.
On one hand, an aging population can offer certain advantages. Elderly individuals can amass wisdom and experience, which they can then pass on to younger generations. They can provide valuable insights and guidance based on their years of living and working. For instance, in Japan, older citizens are often highly regarded for their extensive expertise in various business fields. Their experience can contribute significantly to social development.
On the other hand, the negative aspects of an aging population are more pronounced. Older citizens can pose challenges to social welfare systems. An aging population is more likely to require medical attention and support services, which can place a substantial financial burden on governments. Moreover, the decline in the workforce resulting from an aging population can exert a significant strain on productivity and economic growth. For instance, many European countries are witnessing a steady increase in the proportion of non-working individuals, leading to a reduction in tax revenue in these nations.
In conclusion, while there are several benefits associated with an aging population, I firmly believe that the drawbacks of this trend, including the strain on welfare systems and its impact on the labor force, are more significant.