In many countries, people decide to have children at a later age than in the past. Why?
Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?
One school of thought holds that present-day people have tend to decide have children at a later age then in the past. While i accept that these things can sometimes have a positive effect on the life, i believe that they are more likely to have a harmful impact.
Opponents of the concept of early fatherhood could cite several compelling reasons for their argument. One key rationale is related to the family budget. They can be economically stable before having children. Most newlyweds today are often afraid of financial problems when they first get married. Consequencely, The economic burden and employment situation will affect their thoughts about their children. The second point is that enjoy youth before make responsibility make parents. When they have children they must have responsibility of bringing them up,so they are not spend too much time for each themselves and If they want to divorce, it is not easy because they are bound by their children .The parents have want tendency gives an adequate education for the children and prepare better for the mentally with their experience in their life for long-term live together after marring. That's why they choose have children late.
However, i would argue that these benefits are outweighed by the drawbacks. Firstly, The health of both parents and children will be compromised. Firstly, regarding health, pregnancy by older people will not ensure the best health for children, especially difficult births often occur in older people. This leads to mental confusion for both mother and baby, affecting the parents' will. Infant birth rates have decreased significantly in many countries, along with an increase in aging populations in some countries. Second, from the decrease in infant birth rate from late childbirth due to difficulty giving birth at an older age leading to an underdeveloped economic system. For the economies of countries, the lack of labor force will have a poor quality impact on the development of the economy. Especially for developing countries, the undeniable increase of the aging population plays a negative role in the economic system.
In conclusion, I believe that the delivery of newlyweds should not be late to ensure safety in many different aspects of life.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"present-day people have tend to decide have children at a later age then in the past" -> "contemporary individuals tend to delay the decision to have children compared to the past"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and lacks precision. The suggested alternative uses more formal language and clearly conveys the idea of postponing parenthood.
"While i accept that these things can sometimes have a positive effect on the life" -> "While I acknowledge that these factors can occasionally positively impact life"
Explanation: Correcting the capitalization and replacing "accept" with "acknowledge" enhances the formality of the sentence, and the use of "factors" provides a more specific term than "things."
"they are more likely to have a harmful impact" -> "they are more likely to exert a detrimental influence"
Explanation: Substituting "harmful impact" with "detrimental influence" maintains formality and introduces a more sophisticated term for the negative effects.
"Opponents of the concept of early fatherhood could cite several compelling reasons for their argument." -> "Critics of the notion of early fatherhood could present various compelling reasons to support their stance."
Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality by replacing "opponents" with "critics" and elaborating on the reasons, making the sentence more academically robust.
"They can be economically stable before having children." -> "Ensuring economic stability before starting a family is paramount."
Explanation: The revision introduces a stronger and more direct assertion, emphasizing the importance of economic stability before having children.
"Most newlyweds today are often afraid of financial problems when they first get married." -> "Many contemporary newlyweds frequently harbor concerns about financial challenges at the onset of their marriage."
Explanation: The suggested changes enhance the formality and specificity of the sentence, providing a clearer description of the concerns faced by newlyweds.
"Consequencely, The economic burden and employment situation will affect their thoughts about their children." -> "Consequently, the economic burden and employment situation significantly impact their considerations regarding having children."
Explanation: Correcting the spelling of "Consequencely" to "Consequently" and rephrasing the sentence for clarity and formality.
"enjoy youth before make responsibility make parents." -> "enjoying their youth before assuming the responsibilities of parenthood."
Explanation: The suggested alternative simplifies the sentence for clarity and maintains a formal tone, avoiding awkward phrasing.
"If they want to divorce, it is not easy because they are bound by their children." -> "If they contemplate divorce, the process is complicated due to their parental responsibilities."
Explanation: The revision uses more precise language and avoids the informal expression "it is not easy."
"The parents have want tendency gives an adequate education for the children and prepare better for the mentally with their experience in their life for long-term live together after marring." -> "Parents tend to prioritize providing a comprehensive education for their children and better preparing them mentally through their life experiences for long-term cohabitation after marriage."
Explanation: The suggested changes enhance clarity and formality by rephrasing and specifying the parents’ tendencies and objectives.
"However, i would argue that these benefits are outweighed by the drawbacks." -> "However, I would contend that these advantages are overshadowed by the disadvantages."
Explanation: The recommended alternative uses a more formal term, "contend," and replaces "outweighed" with "overshadowed" for a nuanced expression of the balance between benefits and drawbacks.
"Firstly, The health of both parents and children will be compromised." -> "Firstly, the health of both parents and children may be compromised."
Explanation: Correcting the capitalization and softening the statement with "may be compromised" adds caution and precision to the argument.
"especially difficult births often occur in older people." -> "especially challenging childbirth is more prevalent among older individuals."
Explanation: The revised phrase uses a more precise term, "challenging childbirth," and avoids the informal term "difficult births."
"This leads to mental confusion for both mother and baby, affecting the parents’ will." -> "This results in mental distress for both the mother and baby, impacting the parents’ well-being."
Explanation: The suggested changes use more formal language, replacing "mental confusion" with "mental distress" and "affecting the parents’ will" with "impacting the parents’ well-being."
"Infant birth rates have decreased significantly in many countries, along with an increase in aging populations in some countries." -> "Infant birth rates have markedly declined in numerous countries, coinciding with a rise in aging populations in certain regions."
Explanation: The recommended changes enhance formality by using "markedly declined" instead of "decreased significantly" and by specifying "certain regions" instead of "some countries."
"Second, from the decrease in infant birth rate from late childbirth due to difficulty giving birth at an older age leading to an underdeveloped economic system." -> "Secondly, the decline in the infant birth rate resulting from delayed childbirth, due to challenges in giving birth at an older age, contributes to an underdeveloped economic system."
Explanation: The revision provides a more precise and formal expression of the relationship between delayed childbirth and its impact on the economic system.
"For the economies of countries, the lack of labor force will have a poor quality impact on the development of the economy." -> "The shortage of a labor force will adversely affect the quality of economic development in countries."
Explanation: The suggested alternative employs more formal language, replacing "poor quality impact" with "adversely affect."
"Especially for developing countries, the undeniable increase of the aging population plays a negative role in the economic system." -> "Particularly in developing countries, the undeniable rise in the aging population exerts a negative influence on the economic system."
Explanation: The revision uses more formal language and clarifies the relationship between the aging population and its impact on the economic system.
"I believe that the delivery of newlyweds should not be late to ensure safety in many different aspects of life." -> "In conclusion, I assert that the timing of family planning for newlyweds should not be delayed to ensure safety across various aspects of life."
Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality and clarity in the concluding statement, providing a stronger and more precise assertion.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
Quoted text: "One school of thought holds that present-day people have tend to decide have children at a later age then in the past."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The introduction lacks clarity and coherence, making it challenging to discern your position on the topic. Consider rephrasing for better clarity and coherence. Begin with a clear statement that outlines your stance on the issue, followed by a brief overview of the main points you intend to discuss in the essay. For instance, you could start by stating, "In contemporary society, there is a growing trend towards delaying parenthood, which is attributed to various factors. I believe that while there are certain advantages to this trend, the drawbacks outweigh them due to implications for both individuals and society."
- Improved example: "In contemporary society, there is a growing trend towards delaying parenthood, which is attributed to various factors. I believe that while there are certain advantages to this trend, the drawbacks outweigh them due to implications for both individuals and society. Throughout this essay, I will explore reasons why delaying parenthood could be beneficial and then discuss the significant disadvantages associated with this shift."
Quoted text: "They can be economically stable before having children. Most newlyweds today are often afraid of financial problems when they first get married."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: This point lacks development and clarity. While discussing the financial aspect, it’s crucial to delve deeper into how economic stability influences the decision to delay parenthood. Expand on the economic stability aspect by providing examples or reasoning that directly relate to how financial concerns affect the timing of having children. For instance, elaborate on the rising costs of childcare, education, or housing, which prompt couples to delay having children until they feel financially secure enough to support a family.
- Improved example: "Economic stability plays a pivotal role in the decision-making process concerning parenthood. The modern landscape presents couples with various financial challenges, such as escalating costs of housing, education, and healthcare. For instance, the burden of student loans or the necessity for a secure financial footing to provide a nurturing environment for children often prompts couples to postpone parenthood until they achieve a certain level of economic stability."
Overall, while your essay touches upon the advantages and disadvantages of delaying parenthood, there is a need for greater coherence in presenting arguments. Aim to structure your ideas more clearly, ensuring each point is thoroughly developed with specific examples or reasoning to bolster your argumentation. Additionally, reinforcing your position within each paragraph and ensuring a stronger connection between ideas will enhance the overall clarity and persuasiveness of your essay.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
The essay attempts to present ideas about the trend of having children at a later age and discusses both advantages and disadvantages. However, the coherence and cohesion within the essay are hindered by several issues. The essay lacks consistent paragraphing, resulting in unclear segmentation of ideas. There are noticeable problems with coherence due to the inconsistent flow of ideas. While some cohesive devices are used, they are often inaccurate or inadequately applied, leading to confusion and affecting the overall coherence. The progression of arguments lacks clarity, as there is an absence of smooth transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Repetitive phrases and unclear referencing also contribute to the lack of coherence.
How to improve:
Structural Organization: Begin by structuring the essay with clear paragraphs that each contain a distinct main idea or argument related to the topic. Start with an introduction, body paragraphs with coherent supporting points, and a concluding paragraph.
Cohesive Devices: Ensure the accurate use of cohesive devices (such as transition words, pronouns, and connectors) to create logical relationships between sentences and ideas. Avoid repetition and improve the referencing and substitution within the essay for a smoother flow.
Logical Progression: Focus on the logical progression of ideas. Use transitional phrases or sentences to smoothly connect different points and paragraphs. Develop a clearer flow between arguments to enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
Grammar and Clarity: Work on improving sentence structure, grammar, and overall clarity of expression to avoid confusion in conveying ideas. Revise for accuracy in expressing arguments and ideas to enhance readability.
By addressing these areas, the essay can significantly enhance its coherence and cohesion, ultimately improving its effectiveness in presenting and supporting arguments.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, attempting to incorporate less common vocabulary. However, there are notable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation throughout the essay, impacting the overall lexical resource. Spelling and word formation errors occur, but they do not severely impede communication. The use of language lacks the precision and sophistication expected for higher bands.
The essay struggles with coherence due to inconsistent language use and numerous grammatical errors. The ideas are not always clearly presented, and the arguments lack depth and development. While there is an attempt to address the prompt, the overall execution falls short of the expectations for a Band 7 or higher.
How to improve:
- Focus on improving vocabulary precision and use more sophisticated expressions.
- Pay attention to word choice and collocation to avoid inaccuracies.
- Work on eliminating spelling and word formation errors to enhance overall clarity.
- Ensure a more coherent and organized structure for your ideas, developing arguments more thoroughly.
- Review and revise grammatical constructions for better fluency and accuracy.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a mix of simple and complex sentence forms. While there is evidence of complex structures, such as subordinate clauses, there are frequent grammatical errors that impact communication. The essay contains issues with verb tense consistency, subject-verb agreement, and word choice. These errors affect the overall clarity and fluency of the essay. Additionally, punctuation errors are noticeable, further contributing to the language issues.
How to improve:
- Grammar and Punctuation: Carefully proofread the essay to identify and correct verb tense inconsistencies, subject-verb agreement errors, and inappropriate word choices. Ensure that sentences are clear and convey the intended meaning.
- Sentence Structure: Aim for a better balance between simple and complex sentence structures. Pay attention to sentence construction, avoiding run-on sentences and fragmented ideas.
- Vocabulary: Work on expanding vocabulary to express ideas more precisely. Be cautious with word choices to avoid ambiguity and improve overall coherence.
- Punctuation: Focus on using punctuation correctly, especially in complex sentences. Consider using commas, semicolons, and other punctuation marks appropriately to enhance clarity.
By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score by improving grammatical range and accuracy, resulting in clearer communication of ideas.
Bài sửa mẫu
There is a growing trend where people today tend to delay starting families compared to previous generations. While I acknowledge that this shift can sometimes yield positive outcomes, I am inclined to believe that it carries more detrimental effects.
Those opposing early parenthood can present several compelling arguments. One primary reason relates to financial stability. Couples often prefer being economically secure before having children. Many newlyweds today worry about financial challenges at the start of their marriage. Consequently, these economic concerns and job situations significantly influence their decision regarding having children. Another aspect is the desire to relish youth before shouldering parental responsibilities. Once they become parents, they must dedicate themselves to raising their children, leaving less time for personal pursuits. Additionally, if they contemplate separation or divorce, it becomes harder due to their parental obligations. Parents tend to aspire to provide their children with a good education and mentally prepare them for a successful long-term married life. Hence, they opt to delay having children.
However, I contend that these advantages are outweighed by the drawbacks. Primarily, the health of both parents and children could be compromised. In terms of health, pregnancies in older individuals might not guarantee optimal health for children, often leading to challenging births. This can result in mental distress for both the mother and the baby, impacting the parents’ determination. Many countries have witnessed a decline in birth rates and an increase in aging populations due to delayed childbirth, resulting in a strained economy. The decrease in the birth rate, particularly from late pregnancies due to difficulties in childbirth at an older age, adversely affects the economic system by reducing the labor force. This situation, especially prevalent in developing countries, contributes negatively to their economic stability.
In conclusion, I firmly believe that couples should not excessively delay starting their families to ensure safety and well-being across various facets of life.