In many countries, people in large cities live alone or in small family units, rather than in large, extended family groups. Is this a positive or negative trend?
There is a trend toward urban dwellers remaining single or in nuclear families, in lieu of living in extended family groups. While some believe that the drawbacks of this phenomenon outweigh its advantages, however, I personally think that this is a positive trend for personal development.
Granted, this growing lifestyle provides individuals with increased privacy and personal space. They will find it more convenient and enjoyable to pursue their passions outside their work arrangement and professional lives, without being concerned that their activities may interrupt other members. For instance, a friend of mine, who enjoys playing the guitar as a stress-relief activity, can practice without worrying about disturbing family members. This level of personal freedom contributes to a more fulfilling and enjoyable lifestyle.
To add further credence to my assertion, the fact that people who choose to live alone or in small family units may become more independent and self-reliant than those who live with family members. For instance, managing finances teaches individuals the importance of budgeting and financial responsibility. I personally learned to balance a budget and prioritize expenses when I started living on my own. These practical skills not only enhance problem-solving abilities but also contribute to a sense of self-reliance and autonomy.
In conclusion, I strongly believe that living alone or in a nuclear family eancourages the development of a personal passions and help individuals become increasingly independent.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
"in lieu of" -> "instead of"
Explanation: "In lieu of" is a bit formal for this context. "Instead of" maintains the intended meaning but in a more commonly used phrase, aligning better with natural language flow.
"however, I personally think" -> "However, I believe"
Explanation: The phrase "I personally think" is redundant; using "believe" after the introductory phrase maintains the same meaning without unnecessary emphasis.
"They will find it more convenient and enjoyable" -> "This offers greater convenience and enjoyment"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence provides a more direct and formal tone while maintaining the original meaning.
"their passions outside their work arrangement" -> "their passions beyond their professional commitments"
Explanation: Replacing "outside their work arrangement" with "beyond their professional commitments" adds clarity and formality to the sentence.
"without being concerned that their activities may interrupt other members" -> "without worrying about disturbing others"
Explanation: The suggested change simplifies the sentence without losing the intended meaning, aligning better with academic language.
"This level of personal freedom" -> "Such freedom"
Explanation: The change streamlines the sentence while retaining its meaning, making it more concise and appropriate for academic writing.
"To add further credence to my assertion" -> "To further support my argument"
Explanation: The replacement offers a more formal and direct way to introduce additional supporting points without unnecessary emphasis.
"the fact that people who choose to live alone or in small family units may become more independent and self-reliant than those who live with family members" -> "individuals opting for solitary or smaller family living arrangements tend to develop greater independence and self-reliance"
Explanation: The revised sentence is more concise and clearer, maintaining the idea of independence and self-reliance in a more academic tone.
"For instance, managing finances" -> "For example, handling finances"
Explanation: Replacing "managing finances" with "handling finances" maintains clarity while using a more common and precise term.
"I personally learned to balance a budget and prioritize expenses" -> "I learned to budget and prioritize expenses"
Explanation: Removing "personally" maintains the statement’s impact without unnecessary emphasis, improving the sentence’s conciseness.
"living alone or in a nuclear family eancourages the development of a personal passions" -> "living alone or in a nuclear family encourages the pursuit of personal passions"
Explanation: The suggested change improves the phrasing to better convey the idea of pursuing personal passions within the context of living arrangements.
"help individuals become increasingly independent" -> "aid in individuals’ growing independence"
Explanation: Rearranging the phrase slightly improves the sentence’s structure and maintains a formal tone.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8 – UNDER WORD
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the question. It acknowledges the trend of people in large cities living alone or in small family units instead of extended family groups. The writer expresses a personal opinion about this trend, stating it is positive for personal development.
- How to improve: While the essay answers the question, it could benefit from a more nuanced exploration of both positive and negative aspects of the trend. Encourage the writer to provide a more balanced perspective, considering potential drawbacks as well.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The writer maintains a clear position throughout the essay, consistently expressing a belief in the positive aspects of individuals living alone or in small family units.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, suggest that the writer explicitly states their position in the introduction and restates it in the conclusion. This will reinforce the essay’s coherence and help readers follow the argument more easily.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas adequately and supports them with examples. It discusses increased privacy and personal space, as well as the development of independence and self-reliance, providing a personal anecdote to support the latter.
- How to improve: Recommend expanding on each point with more examples and perhaps delving deeper into the potential consequences of these lifestyle choices. This will strengthen the argument and make it more persuasive.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the trend of urban dwellers living alone or in small family units. However, the focus could be sharper, as some points seem slightly tangential.
- How to improve: Suggest maintaining a laser focus on the prompt by avoiding information that doesn’t directly contribute to the discussion. Encourage the writer to critically assess each point’s relevance to the main argument.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the prompt and effectively communicates the writer’s perspective. However, there is room for improvement in terms of depth, balance, and maintaining a laser focus on the topic.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically. It begins with a clear introduction that states the writer’s opinion. Each body paragraph discusses a specific advantage of the trend toward living alone or in small family units. However, there is a slight imbalance in the development of ideas, as the second paragraph is more detailed than the first. Additionally, the conclusion could be more comprehensive by summarizing the key points.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure a balanced development of ideas across paragraphs. Consider providing more details in the first body paragraph to match the depth of the second one. Also, in the conclusion, summarize the main points from each body paragraph to reinforce the overall argument.
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively, with distinct introductions, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the argument, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: No specific improvement is needed in this area. However, to further enhance clarity, consider incorporating topic sentences at the beginning of each body paragraph to provide a clear roadmap for the reader.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses cohesive devices to connect ideas and maintain coherence. Transition words like "granted," "for instance," and "to add further credence" help guide the reader through the argument. However, there is room for improvement in the variety and frequency of these devices to create a smoother flow.
- How to improve: Introduce a greater variety of cohesive devices, such as "moreover," "however," or "consequently," to create a more nuanced and sophisticated connection between ideas. Ensure that these devices are used consistently throughout the essay to strengthen coherence and cohesion.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion. To elevate the score to a higher band, focus on refining the balance of detail across paragraphs, summarizing key points in the conclusion, and incorporating a more diverse range of cohesive devices.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While there is some diversity in word choice, it does not consistently exhibit a wide variety of terms or expressions. For example, the repeated use of phrases like "personal freedom," "stress-relief activity," and "financial responsibility" suggests a reliance on a limited set of vocabulary.
- How to improve: To enhance the lexical range, consider incorporating more synonyms and varied expressions. Utilize a thesaurus to identify alternative terms that convey similar meanings. Additionally, explore idiomatic expressions or nuanced vocabulary to elevate the richness of your language.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The vocabulary is generally precise, with terms like "stress-relief activity," "financial responsibility," and "problem-solving abilities" conveying specific meanings. However, there are instances where more precise language could be employed. For instance, the term "passions" is somewhat broad and could benefit from more specificity.
- How to improve: Aim for greater precision by specifying or elaborating on certain terms. Instead of using broad terms like "passions," consider specifying the particular activities or interests being referred to, providing a clearer picture for the reader.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with no major errors observed. However, it’s essential to note that accuracy is a baseline expectation, and any spelling errors would have significantly impacted the score.
- How to improve: Continue practicing vigilance in spelling. Reviewing and editing your work carefully can help catch any potential errors. Consider using spelling and grammar check tools to enhance accuracy further.
Overall, while the essay exhibits a reasonable command of vocabulary with precise usage and correct spelling, there is room for improvement in expanding the range of vocabulary for a more sophisticated expression. Keep refining your language skills, incorporating varied terms, and ensuring precision in conveying your ideas.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. The writer effectively employs complex and compound sentences, contributing to the overall fluency of the essay. For instance, the use of a conditional sentence in "While some believe that the drawbacks of this phenomenon outweigh its advantages" adds sophistication and nuance to the argument. However, there is room for improvement in the introduction, where a more diverse range of sentence structures could enhance engagement.
How to improve: Consider incorporating more complex sentence structures in the introduction to capture the reader’s attention. For instance, using a rhetorical question or a conditional sentence can add flair and variety.
Use Grammar Accurately:
Detailed explanation: The essay displays a high level of grammatical accuracy, with few noticeable errors. There is an exemplary command of verb tenses, subject-verb agreement, and overall sentence structure. However, a minor error in "living alone or in a nuclear family eancourages" should be corrected to "encourages" for accuracy.
How to improve: Continue to maintain vigilance over minor errors like typographical mistakes. A careful proofreading before submission can catch such issues and ensure flawless grammar.
Use Correct Punctuation:
Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally accurate, contributing to the overall clarity of the essay. Commendably, appropriate punctuation marks are used to indicate pauses, separate ideas, and structure sentences. However, there is a notable instance of a missing comma in "For instance, managing finances teaches individuals," where a comma after "instance" would enhance readability.
How to improve: Be attentive to punctuation details, especially the use of commas for clarity. A comprehensive review of comma usage in complex sentences can prevent such minor oversights.
In summary, the essay demonstrates a high level of grammatical range and accuracy, with only minor areas for improvement. The writer’s adept use of varied sentence structures and precise grammar contributes to the overall effectiveness of the essay. To enhance the score further, a more diverse sentence structure in the introduction and meticulous proofreading for typographical errors and missing commas are recommended.
Bài sửa mẫu
There is a noticeable shift in urban areas where people prefer living alone or in nuclear families rather than in extended family setups. While some argue that the disadvantages of this trend outweigh its benefits, I believe it is a positive development for personal growth.
Undoubtedly, this evolving lifestyle grants individuals greater privacy and personal space. They can conveniently and joyfully pursue their interests beyond their professional commitments, without worrying about disrupting others. For example, a friend of mine, who finds solace in playing the guitar for stress relief, can practice without concerns about disturbing family members. This enhanced personal freedom significantly contributes to a more gratifying and enjoyable life.
To further support my argument, individuals opting for solitary or smaller family living arrangements tend to develop greater independence and self-reliance compared to those in larger family setups. Handling finances is a prime example that teaches the importance of budgeting and financial responsibility. Personally, when I started living alone, I learned to budget and prioritize expenses. These practical skills not only improve problem-solving abilities but also foster a sense of self-reliance and autonomy.
In conclusion, I firmly believe that the trend towards living alone or in nuclear families encourages the pursuit of personal passions and aids in individuals’ growing independence. This, in turn, contributes positively to one’s overall development.