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In many countries people increasingly talk about money (how much they earn or how much they pay for things) in their daily conversations. Why? Is this a positive or negative trend?

In many countries people increasingly talk about money (how much they earn or how much they pay for things) in their daily conversations. Why? Is this a positive or negative trend?

It is believed by some parts of the population that in numerous nations money topics ( how much they earn or spend)are becoming common in every discussion.
This essay attempts to elucidate driving factors behind this phenomenon before outlining several viable measures that should be adopted to tackle it.
There are two primary reasons as to why people in many countries usually discuss how much they earn or spend in daily conversations that bring some disadvantages. One reason is that discussing such sensitive information is unsuitable in daily conservation. When people pay full attention to wealth, it can easily cause obsession with material wealth, thereby causing people to become more pragmatic. Another reason is that there are teenagers who cannot afford school fees, clothes and expensive items, causing them to be shunned by their friends and subjected to humiliation from them. This is supported by the fact that in modern days, there are numerous youngsters who have fierce conflicts with their parents because they cannot afford valuable items.
To combat this worry issue, the following essential steps should be taken. To begin with, inhabitants can talk about experiences in life instead of focusing too much on money. In addition, education should fully supplement students’ awareness of money. This is supported by the fact that many schools launch campaigns to prevent school violence, which can direct their students to a civilized and sociable environment with their friends around them.

In conclusion, there are some underlying motives behind the money topics, and it is crucial that the aforementioned solutions should be implemented to prevent unintended consequences.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It is believed by some parts of the population that in numerous nations money topics (how much they earn or spend) are becoming common in every discussion."
    -> "Some segments of the population believe that discussions related to financial matters, such as earnings and expenditures, are becoming pervasive in various nations."
    Explanation: The revised sentence uses more formal language, rephrasing to "some segments of the population" and replacing "money topics" with "discussions related to financial matters" for greater specificity and formality.

  2. "This essay attempts to elucidate driving factors behind this phenomenon before outlining several viable measures that should be adopted to tackle it."
    -> "This essay aims to elucidate the underlying factors contributing to this phenomenon and subsequently proposes several viable measures to address it."
    Explanation: The revised sentence enhances formality by replacing "attempts to" with "aims to" and restructuring the sentence for clarity and conciseness.

  3. "There are two primary reasons as to why people in many countries usually discuss how much they earn or spend in daily conversations that bring some disadvantages."
    -> "There are two primary reasons why individuals in many countries often engage in discussions about their earnings or expenditures, which entail certain drawbacks."
    Explanation: The revised sentence eliminates redundancy by removing "as to" and replaces "usually discuss" with "often engage in discussions," emphasizing the frequency of such conversations. Additionally, "bring some disadvantages" is replaced with "entail certain drawbacks" for precision.

  4. "One reason is that discussing such sensitive information is unsuitable in daily conservation."
    -> "One reason is that discussing such sensitive information is inappropriate in everyday discourse."
    Explanation: The revised sentence replaces "unsuitable in daily conservation" with "inappropriate in everyday discourse" for a more formal and precise expression.

  5. "When people pay full attention to wealth, it can easily cause obsession with material wealth, thereby causing people to become more pragmatic."
    -> "Devoting excessive attention to wealth can lead to an obsession with material possessions, consequently fostering a more pragmatic mindset."
    Explanation: The revised sentence improves formality by replacing "pay full attention" with "devoting excessive attention," and it enhances clarity and precision in the description of the consequences of focusing on wealth.

  6. "Another reason is that there are teenagers who cannot afford school fees, clothes and expensive items, causing them to be shunned by their friends and subjected to humiliation from them."
    -> "Another reason is the presence of teenagers unable to afford school fees, clothing, and luxury items, leading to their exclusion and humiliation by peers."
    Explanation: The revised sentence streamlines the expression, replacing "there are" with "the presence of," and providing a more detailed and formal description of the circumstances faced by teenagers.

  7. "This is supported by the fact that in modern days, there are numerous youngsters who have fierce conflicts with their parents because they cannot afford valuable items."
    -> "This assertion is substantiated by the prevalence of numerous youngsters in contemporary times experiencing intense conflicts with their parents due to financial constraints preventing them from acquiring valuable items."
    Explanation: The revised sentence strengthens formality by replacing "in modern days" with "in contemporary times," and it provides a more detailed and formal description of the conflicts faced by youngsters.

  8. "To combat this worry issue, the following essential steps should be taken."
    -> "To address this concern, the following essential steps should be implemented."
    Explanation: The revised sentence replaces the colloquial "combat this worry issue" with the more formal "address this concern" for greater formality and precision.

  9. "To begin with, inhabitants can talk about experiences in life instead of focusing too much on money."
    -> "Firstly, individuals can engage in discussions about life experiences rather than excessively focusing on financial matters."
    Explanation: The revision introduces formality by replacing "To begin with" with "Firstly" and emphasizes clarity and precision in describing the shift of focus from money to life experiences.

  10. "In addition, education should fully supplement students’ awareness of money."
    -> "Furthermore, education should comprehensively augment students’ financial awareness."
    Explanation: The revised sentence replaces "fully supplement" with "comprehensively augment" for a more formal expression and specifies that education should enhance financial awareness comprehensively.

  11. "This is supported by the fact that many schools launch campaigns to prevent school violence, which can direct their students to a civilized and sociable environment with their friends around them."
    -> "This assertion is reinforced by the observation that numerous schools initiate campaigns to prevent school violence, aiming to guide students toward a civilized and sociable environment in the presence of their peers."
    Explanation: The revised sentence enhances formality by replacing "supported by the fact" with "reinforced by the observation" and provides a more detailed and formal description of the purpose of schools’ campaigns.

  12. "In conclusion, there are some underlying motives behind the money topics, and it is crucial that the aforementioned solutions should be implemented to prevent unintended consequences."
    -> "In conclusion, there exist underlying motives behind discussions related to financial matters, and it is crucial to implement the aforementioned solutions to prevent unintended consequences."
    Explanation: The revised sentence eliminates redundancy by removing "there are some," and it enhances formality by using "exist" instead. Additionally, "should be implemented" is replaced with "to implement" for conciseness and precision.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both aspects of the prompt, discussing why people talk about money in daily conversations and expressing a stance on whether this trend is positive or negative. However, the explanation of the reasons behind the trend lacks depth, and there is limited exploration of potential advantages or disadvantages. The essay would benefit from a more comprehensive analysis of the factors contributing to the prevalence of money-related discussions.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, consider delving deeper into the reasons behind the trend. Provide specific examples or evidence to support your points. Additionally, ensure that your analysis covers both the positive and negative aspects of talking about money in daily conversations.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that discussing money in daily conversations is a negative trend. However, the clarity of the stance could be improved by explicitly stating whether the trend is entirely negative or if there are any potential positive aspects.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, explicitly state the overall judgment on the trend (positive, negative, or a balanced view) in the thesis statement. This will help guide the reader through the essay and reinforce the essay’s main argument.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks development and support. For instance, the reasons provided for the negative consequences of discussing money are somewhat vague and could be strengthened with specific examples or illustrations. Additionally, the proposed solutions lack detailed elaboration.
    • How to improve: Strengthen your argument by providing concrete examples and evidence to support your points. Develop each idea in more detail, explaining the potential consequences of discussing money and providing a more nuanced discussion of the proposed solutions.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but tends to be somewhat repetitive. Some sentences reiterate the same points without adding new information. Additionally, there is a need for more focus on the advantages and disadvantages of talking about money.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph contributes new insights to the discussion. Avoid unnecessary repetition and dedicate more attention to exploring the positive and negative aspects of discussing money in daily conversations.

In summary, while the essay addresses the prompt adequately, there is room for improvement in terms of depth of analysis, clarity of position, development of ideas, and staying focused on the topic. Incorporating specific examples and providing a more balanced exploration of the trend will contribute to a more robust and nuanced response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a logical organization of information. It starts with an introduction that outlines the purpose of the essay, followed by body paragraphs that present reasons for the prevalence of money-related discussions and potential solutions. The progression of ideas is clear and follows a coherent structure.
    • How to improve: While the overall organization is sound, consider refining the introduction by providing a more direct thesis statement to guide the reader. Also, ensure a smooth transition between paragraphs for enhanced cohesion.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to present distinct ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic, contributing to a well-structured essay. However, some sentences could be more concise for better readability.
    • How to improve: Review sentences for unnecessary elaboration and aim for more conciseness. Additionally, consider incorporating a concluding sentence at the end of each paragraph to reinforce the main point and facilitate smoother transitions.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices, such as transition words (e.g., "to begin with," "in addition," "in conclusion"), to connect ideas and paragraphs. However, there is room for improvement in the variety and precision of these devices.
    • How to improve: Diversify the range of cohesive devices used; consider using synonyms for commonly used transition words and explore more advanced cohesive devices like parallelism and pronoun references. Ensure that each cohesive device serves a specific purpose in enhancing the overall coherence.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and cohesion, earning a Band Score of 7. To improve, focus on refining the thesis statement in the introduction, enhancing sentence conciseness, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices for a more sophisticated and polished essay structure.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use different words and phrases, but it lacks variety and often relies on common expressions.
    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary, consider incorporating more sophisticated and varied terms. For instance, instead of repeating phrases like "discussing such sensitive information," diversify with alternatives such as "delving into personal financial matters."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: Some imprecise vocabulary choices are evident in the essay. For instance, the phrase "unsuitable in daily conservation" could be more accurately expressed as "inappropriate in everyday conversation."
    • How to improve: Aim for precision by selecting words that precisely convey the intended meaning. Review the essay for instances where more accurate vocabulary could replace general terms, enhancing overall clarity.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The spelling accuracy is generally satisfactory, with only a few minor errors such as "conservation" instead of "conversation."
    • How to improve: Continue to focus on maintaining accurate spelling. Proofreading the essay carefully before submission can help catch and correct any remaining minor spelling mistakes. Additionally, consider utilizing spell-check tools to assist in this process.

Overall, while the essay exhibits competence in lexical resource, improvement is possible by diversifying vocabulary, ensuring more precise word choices, and maintaining consistent attention to spelling accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures. It employs simple and complex structures, including compound and complex sentences. However, there is room for improvement in terms of variety. There is a tendency to use relatively straightforward structures, and the essay could benefit from more sophisticated sentence constructions to enhance overall fluency and engagement.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating a mix of compound-complex sentences, rhetorical questions, or parallel structures. Introduce variety in sentence lengths to maintain reader interest. For example, instead of relying predominantly on straightforward sentence constructions, experiment with a blend of short and long sentences to create a more dynamic and engaging writing style.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a satisfactory level of grammatical accuracy, but there are instances of errors and awkward constructions. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("it is believed by some parts of the population"), article use ("in numerous nations"), and prepositions ("unsuitable in daily conservation"). Punctuation errors are also present, such as missing commas and inconsistent spacing around punctuation marks.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay attention to subject-verb agreement and article usage. Review the proper placement of prepositions to ensure clarity. Additionally, revise sentence structures for smoother flow and coherence. Improve punctuation skills by consistently using commas where needed and ensuring correct spacing around punctuation marks. Proofread carefully to catch and rectify these errors, enhancing the overall clarity and precision of the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a competent command of grammar and sentence structures. To achieve a higher score, focus on refining sentence variety and addressing specific grammatical and punctuation issues. Practice incorporating a wider array of sentence structures while honing grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills through careful review and editing.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is observed by certain segments of the population that discussions regarding financial matters, such as earnings and expenditures, are becoming increasingly prevalent in various nations. This essay aims to clarify the underlying factors contributing to this phenomenon and subsequently proposes several viable measures to address it.

There are two primary reasons why individuals in many countries often engage in discussions about their earnings or expenditures, and these discussions entail certain drawbacks. One reason is that discussing such sensitive information is deemed inappropriate in everyday discourse. Giving excessive attention to wealth can lead to an obsession with material possessions, fostering a more pragmatic mindset. Another reason is the presence of teenagers unable to afford school fees, clothing, and luxury items, leading to their exclusion and humiliation by peers. This assertion is substantiated by the prevalence of numerous youngsters in contemporary times experiencing intense conflicts with their parents due to financial constraints preventing them from acquiring valuable items.

To address this concern, the following essential steps should be implemented. Firstly, individuals can engage in discussions about life experiences rather than excessively focusing on financial matters. Furthermore, education should comprehensively augment students’ financial awareness. This assertion is reinforced by the observation that numerous schools initiate campaigns to prevent school violence, aiming to guide students toward a civilized and sociable environment in the presence of their peers.

In conclusion, there exist underlying motives behind discussions related to financial matters, and it is crucial to implement the aforementioned solutions to prevent unintended consequences.

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