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In many countries schools have severe problems with student behaviour. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?

In many countries schools have severe problems with student behaviour. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?

It is true that school pupil behaviors have been worsen in many part of the world nowadays. This state of affairs can be attributed to several factors and this essay will suggest several viable solutions to remedy the situation.
Admittedly, bad student behaviors are affected by three main causes. Firstly, many modern parents are too permissive and spoil their kid. Speak from experience, one of my friend can have whatever he wants just by asking his parents, challenging for him to understand and adapt to the structure of a school enviroment. Secondly, overcrowded classroom can put teacher in difficulty to manage all pupil and provide enough indivudalized attention. Finally, the influence of celebrities, one of exactly example of successful can be achieved without education, might affect children’s attitude and motivation toward their studies.
To address this problems, each of these factors must take their action. The key solution here is started from parents, who should know their important of educating their child’s manner at home and responsible to their bahivour. At the same time, school should improve their facilities and create an optimal learning enviroment, as well as, setting a range of rules and reasonable punishment for each of them. For example, if need, teacher can remove disruptive students from lessons and make them clean up the classroom or balcony after class. Also, famous influence must understand their impact on children and be a good role model for young generation to follow.
In conclusion, it is clear that there are various reasons for blaming to the bad behavior in students, and steps need to be taken to tackle this problem involving parents, educators, and celebrities.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "school pupil behaviors have been worsen" -> "student behaviors in schools have worsened"
    Explanation: The original phrase lacks precision and is grammatically incorrect. Replacing it with "student behaviors in schools have worsened" provides a clearer and grammatically correct expression.

  2. "This state of affairs can be attributed to several factors and this essay will suggest several viable solutions to remedy the situation."
    -> "This phenomenon can be attributed to various factors, and this essay will propose viable solutions to address the issue."
    Explanation: The term "state of affairs" is somewhat informal. Replacing it with "phenomenon" enhances the formality of the sentence. Also, the revised sentence improves clarity and uses a more formal structure.

  3. "Admittedly, bad student behaviors are affected by three main causes."
    -> "Indeed, undesirable student behaviors are influenced by three primary factors."
    Explanation: "Admittedly" is slightly informal, and "affected" can be replaced with "influenced" for a more precise term. The suggested alternatives contribute to a more formal and academic tone.

  4. "Firstly, many modern parents are too permissive and spoil their kid."
    -> "Firstly, numerous contemporary parents tend to be excessively permissive and indulge their children."
    Explanation: The original sentence is informal, and "kid" is colloquial. Replacing it with "children" and using more formal language contributes to a more academic tone.

  5. "Speak from experience, one of my friend can have whatever he wants just by asking his parents, challenging for him to understand and adapt to the structure of a school environment."
    -> "Speaking from personal experience, a friend of mine can obtain anything he desires simply by asking his parents, making it challenging for him to comprehend and adapt to the school environment’s structure."
    Explanation: The phrase "speak from experience" is somewhat informal. The revised sentence maintains clarity while adopting a more formal expression.

  6. "Secondly, overcrowded classroom can put teacher in difficulty to manage all pupil and provide enough individualized attention."
    -> "Secondly, overcrowded classrooms can pose challenges for teachers in managing all students and providing sufficient individualized attention."
    Explanation: The original sentence has grammatical errors and is too informal. The revised version corrects these issues and uses more formal language.

  7. "Finally, the influence of celebrities, one of exactly example of successful can be achieved without education, might affect children’s attitude and motivation toward their studies."
    -> "Finally, the influence of celebrities, exemplifying success without formal education, may impact children’s attitudes and motivation toward their studies."
    Explanation: The original sentence is unclear and informal. The revised version clarifies the meaning and adopts a more formal tone.

  8. "To address this problems, each of these factors must take their action."
    -> "To address these problems, each of these factors must take appropriate measures."
    Explanation: The original sentence has a grammatical error, and "their action" can be replaced with "appropriate measures" for a more formal expression.

  9. "The key solution here is started from parents, who should know their important of educating their child’s manner at home and responsible to their behavior."
    -> "The key solution starts with parents, who should recognize the importance of instilling proper manners in their children at home and being responsible for their behavior."
    Explanation: The original sentence is awkward and informal. The revised version improves clarity and uses more formal language.

  10. "At the same time, school should improve their facilities and create an optimal learning environment, as well as, setting a range of rules and reasonable punishment for each of them."
    -> "Simultaneously, schools should enhance their facilities, create an optimal learning environment, and establish a set of rules with reasonable punishments for infractions."
    Explanation: The original sentence has a comma splice and is less formal. The revised version corrects these issues and maintains a more academic tone.

  11. "For example, if need, teacher can remove disruptive students from lessons and make them clean up the classroom or balcony after class."
    -> "For example, if necessary, teachers can remove disruptive students from lessons and assign them the task of cleaning the classroom or balcony after class."
    Explanation: The original sentence lacks precision, and "if need" should be replaced with "if necessary" for formality and clarity.

  12. "Also, famous influence must understand their impact on children and be a good role model for young generation to follow."
    -> "Moreover, influential figures must comprehend their impact on children and serve as positive role models for the younger generation to emulate."
    Explanation: The original sentence is informal and lacks precision. The suggested alternative enhances formality and clarity.

  13. "In conclusion, it is clear that there are various reasons for blaming to the bad behavior in students, and steps need to be taken to tackle this problem involving parents, educators, and celebrities."
    -> "In conclusion, it is evident that there are various factors contributing to the undesirable behavior in students, and proactive measures need to be taken to address this issue, involving parents, educators, and celebrities."
    Explanation: The original sentence is unclear and informal. The revised version improves clarity and uses more formal language.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay does attempt to address both the causes and solutions related to the issue of student behavior in schools. However, the analysis is somewhat brief, lacking in depth and specificity. While it mentions three causes, it could benefit from providing more detailed examples or evidence to support these points.
    • How to improve: To improve, the essay should delve deeper into each cause, providing specific examples or instances to illustrate the points made. Additionally, ensuring that each aspect of the prompt is thoroughly covered will contribute to a more comprehensive response.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, consistently acknowledging the existence of problems in student behavior and advocating for a multi-faceted solution involving parents, schools, and celebrities.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, the essay could explicitly state its position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. This would leave no room for ambiguity and reinforce the stance presented.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks depth and development. For instance, it mentions causes and solutions but does not elaborate on them extensively. Concrete examples and detailed explanations would strengthen the argument.
    • How to improve: To enhance idea presentation, the essay should provide more details, examples, or anecdotes to support each point. This would add substance to the essay and make the argument more convincing.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but has some instances of unclear expression. The ideas are presented in a somewhat scattered manner, making it slightly challenging to follow the essay’s flow.
    • How to improve: To improve coherence, the essay should organize ideas more systematically, ensuring a logical progression from one point to the next. Clear topic sentences and transitions between paragraphs can aid in maintaining focus.

Overall, while the essay successfully addresses the key elements of the prompt, it could significantly benefit from a more detailed and nuanced exploration of ideas, with specific examples and a more organized structure. Additionally, reinforcing the clarity of the essay’s position and improving overall coherence would enhance its effectiveness.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. The introduction clearly presents the problem and the intention to suggest solutions. Each of the three main causes is outlined coherently, providing a structured approach to the analysis. The conclusion effectively summarizes the key points and emphasizes the need for collective action.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider refining the transition sentences between paragraphs for smoother connections. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph follows a clear topic sentence and develops a single main idea.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: Paragraphing is generally effective, with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion structure. However, there are some instances where ideas within paragraphs could be more distinct. For example, the second paragraph discusses three causes of bad behavior but could benefit from separate paragraphs for each cause.
    • How to improve: Review paragraph structure, particularly within the body, to ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single aspect. This will enhance readability and make the essay more cohesive. Consider breaking down the second paragraph into three separate ones to address each cause individually.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses a reasonable range of cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases (e.g., "Firstly," "Finally," "In conclusion"). However, there is room for improvement in the variety and sophistication of these devices. Additionally, some sentences lack smooth transitions between ideas.
    • How to improve: Incorporate a wider variety of cohesive devices, including synonyms and more sophisticated transition phrases. Ensure that each sentence flows seamlessly into the next, creating a cohesive and connected narrative. This will contribute to a more sophisticated and cohesive essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid foundation in coherence and cohesion, earning a band score of 7. To further enhance these aspects, focus on refining the logical organization of information, improving paragraph structure, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices for a more polished and sophisticated presentation.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While there is an attempt to use varied vocabulary, it tends to be basic and repetitive at times. For instance, the repeated use of phrases like "bad student behaviors" could be replaced with more nuanced language.
    • How to improve: To enhance the score in this criterion, consider incorporating more diverse and sophisticated vocabulary. Instead of relying on generic terms like "bad behavior," explore synonyms and use words that precisely convey the intended meaning. Additionally, strive for precision in word choice to convey ideas more effectively.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage is inconsistent. Some phrases, like "permissive parents" and "overcrowded classroom," are apt, but there are instances where imprecise language, such as "exactly example of successful," weakens the expression.
    • How to improve: Aim for greater precision by carefully selecting words that accurately convey your ideas. In the mentioned example, consider replacing "exactly example of successful" with a more specific and accurate phrase, like "a concrete instance of success without formal education." Paying attention to detail in your vocabulary will enhance the overall clarity of your essay.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits noticeable spelling errors, such as "worsen" instead of "worsening," "enviroment" instead of "environment," and "bahivour" instead of "behavior." These errors impact the overall readability and professionalism of the essay.
    • How to improve: To address spelling issues, proofread your work meticulously. Utilize spelling and grammar-check tools to identify and correct errors. Additionally, consider enhancing your spelling skills through regular practice and awareness of common mistakes. Attention to detail in spelling will significantly improve the overall quality of your writing.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the prompt and presents relevant ideas, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy are essential to elevate the Lexical Resource score. Focus on using a broader and more precise range of words, along with meticulous proofreading, to enhance the overall linguistic quality of your essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. While there is an attempt to use varied sentence structures, such as simple and complex sentences, the diversity is somewhat limited. For instance, there is a tendency to use simple sentences throughout the essay. Additionally, the transitions between sentences and ideas could be more sophisticated to enhance coherence.
    • How to improve: To improve the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences, compound sentences, and compound-complex sentences. Additionally, focus on using transitional phrases and conjunctions to create smoother connections between ideas. This will not only enhance the overall fluency of the essay but also contribute to a higher band score in grammatical range and accuracy.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation inaccuracies. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("behaviors have been worsen"), incorrect word choices ("their kid"), and inconsistent use of articles ("the bad behavior in students"). Punctuation errors, such as missing commas and incorrect use of capitalization, are also present.
    • How to improve: Focus on improving grammatical accuracy by reviewing and practicing common grammar rules. Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, use of articles, and word choice. Additionally, ensure proper punctuation, including commas, periods, and capitalization. A thorough proofreading before submission is crucial to identify and correct these errors. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools to enhance accuracy.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of grammar, but improvements in sentence structure variety and accuracy will contribute to a higher band score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criterion.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is indeed true that student behaviors in schools have worsened in many parts of the world nowadays. This phenomenon can be attributed to various factors, and this essay will propose viable solutions to address the issue.

Undoubtedly, undesirable student behaviors are influenced by three primary factors. Firstly, numerous contemporary parents tend to be excessively permissive and indulge their children. Speaking from personal experience, a friend of mine can obtain anything he desires simply by asking his parents, making it challenging for him to comprehend and adapt to the school environment’s structure.

Secondly, overcrowded classrooms can pose challenges for teachers in managing all students and providing sufficient individualized attention. This creates an environment where it becomes difficult for students to focus and for teachers to address individual needs effectively.

Finally, the influence of celebrities, exemplifying success without formal education, may impact children’s attitudes and motivation toward their studies. Children may perceive education as less important if they see successful individuals who did not pursue formal education.

To address these problems, each of these factors must take appropriate measures. The key solution starts with parents, who should recognize the importance of instilling proper manners in their children at home and being responsible for their behavior. This involves setting boundaries and providing guidance to help children navigate social environments effectively.

Simultaneously, schools should enhance their facilities, create an optimal learning environment, and establish a set of rules with reasonable punishments for infractions. For example, if necessary, teachers can remove disruptive students from lessons and assign them the task of cleaning the classroom or balcony after class. This not only serves as a consequence for misbehavior but also fosters a sense of responsibility.

Moreover, influential figures must comprehend their impact on children and serve as positive role models for the younger generation to emulate. Celebrities should promote the value of education and highlight the importance of a balanced life that includes both academic and personal development.

In conclusion, it is evident that there are various factors contributing to undesirable behavior in students, and proactive measures need to be taken to address this issue, involving parents, educators, and celebrities. By fostering a collaborative effort among these key stakeholders, we can create a more positive and conducive learning environment for students worldwide.

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