In many countries, smoking is now illegal in public places. Many people believe that such a ban is justified. Do you agree or disagree

In many countries, smoking is now illegal in public places. Many people believe that such a ban is justified.
Do you agree or disagree

Some individuals think that smoking is justifiably banned as it is illegal in public places in particular countries nowadays. I totally agree with this view due to some major reasons that will be explained in this essay.
Banning adults from smoking is justifiable because of its negative effects. Firstly, the health of smokers and other people who directly breathe in the harmful smoke is gradually spoiled. Cigarettes involve several chemicals that damage people’s lungs and the respiratory system. However, people who utilize them are breathing the poisonous gas every day, either children or surrounding people. In research, there are millions of adults who died from overusing cigarettes, and several children have lung cancer due to the harmful smoke.
Not only individuals are affected but also the environment has numerous adverse effects. Chemicals such as CO and CO2 from smoke directly cause air pollution. Many research prove that the amount of CO in cigarettes is one of the causes that affect the ozone layer and environment. Moreover, the fire comes from cigarettes can be one of the major reasons causes forest fires. Farmers who often smoking while they are in forest and carelessly cause serious fire.
In conclusion, I totally agree with the opinion that smoking should be justifiably banned due to its several negative effects.

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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Some individuals think" -> "Some people believe"
   Explanation: "Some people believe" is a more common and natural way to express a general opinion in academic writing, enhancing the formality and clarity of the statement.

2. "is justifiably banned" -> "should be prohibited"
   Explanation: "Should be prohibited" is a more direct and formal expression, suitable for academic writing, compared to the less formal "is justifiably banned."

3. "I totally agree with this view" -> "I strongly support this perspective"
   Explanation: "I strongly support this perspective" is a more formal and academically appropriate way to express agreement, avoiding the colloquial tone of "totally agree."

4. "due to some major reasons" -> "due to several significant reasons"
   Explanation: "Several significant reasons" is more precise and formal than "some major reasons," aligning better with academic style.

5. "the health of smokers and other people who directly breathe in the harmful smoke is gradually spoiled" -> "the health of smokers and those exposed to secondhand smoke is progressively compromised"
   Explanation: "Those exposed to secondhand smoke" is a more precise term than "other people who directly breathe in the harmful smoke," and "progressively compromised" is a more formal and accurate description of the health effects.

6. "Cigarettes involve several chemicals" -> "Cigarettes contain numerous chemicals"
   Explanation: "Contain" is more accurate in this context, as it specifically refers to the composition of cigarettes, whereas "involve" is more general and less precise.

7. "people who utilize them" -> "those who use them"
   Explanation: "Those who use them" is a more formal and concise alternative to "people who utilize them," fitting better in academic writing.

8. "breathing the poisonous gas every day" -> "exposure to toxic fumes daily"
   Explanation: "Exposure to toxic fumes daily" is a more precise and formal way to describe the repeated inhalation of harmful substances, avoiding the colloquial "breathing the poisonous gas every day."

9. "In research, there are millions of adults who died" -> "Numerous studies have documented millions of adult deaths"
   Explanation: "Numerous studies have documented millions of adult deaths" is a more formal and academically appropriate way to present research findings, avoiding the informal "In research, there are millions of adults who died."

10. "the fire comes from cigarettes can be one of the major reasons causes forest fires" -> "cigarette fires can be a significant cause of forest fires"
    Explanation: "Cigarette fires can be a significant cause of forest fires" corrects the grammatical error and uses more precise language, enhancing clarity and formality.

11. "Farmers who often smoking while they are in forest and carelessly cause serious fire" -> "Farmers who frequently smoke in forests and carelessly ignite fires"
    Explanation: "Farmers who frequently smoke in forests and carelessly ignite fires" corrects grammatical errors and uses more precise language, improving the clarity and formality of the statement.

12. "I totally agree with the opinion" -> "I strongly support the view"
    Explanation: "I strongly support the view" is a more formal expression, suitable for academic writing, compared to the colloquial "I totally agree with the opinion."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by stating a clear agreement with the ban on smoking in public places. However, it lacks a thorough exploration of the reasons behind this stance. The introduction mentions "some major reasons," but only two main points are developed: the health risks associated with smoking and its environmental impact. The essay does not sufficiently explore the implications of the ban itself or consider any counterarguments, which would provide a more balanced view.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that all parts of the question are fully addressed. This could involve discussing the societal implications of the ban, the effectiveness of such laws, and perhaps acknowledging opposing viewpoints. Including a broader range of arguments would demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position in favor of the smoking ban throughout. Phrases like "I totally agree" and "justifiable" reinforce the writer’s stance. However, the position could be more explicitly stated in the conclusion, which currently reiterates the agreement without summarizing the supporting arguments effectively.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity and consistency, the writer should restate their position in the conclusion while briefly summarizing the key points made in the body paragraphs. This would reinforce the argument and ensure that the reader is left with a clear understanding of the writer’s viewpoint.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to health and environmental concerns, but these ideas are not fully extended or supported with sufficient detail. For example, while the health risks of smoking are mentioned, the essay could benefit from more specific statistics or studies to substantiate these claims. The environmental argument is also underdeveloped, lacking specific examples or evidence to illustrate the points made.
  • How to improve: To effectively present and support ideas, the writer should incorporate more detailed examples, statistics, or references to studies that back up their claims. This could involve citing specific research findings regarding smoking-related health issues or providing concrete examples of environmental damage caused by smoking. Additionally, expanding on each point with further explanation would strengthen the overall argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the negative effects of smoking and the justification for its ban. However, there are moments where the connection to the prompt could be clearer. For instance, the discussion of forest fires caused by careless smoking is relevant but could be tied back more explicitly to the justification for banning smoking in public places.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central argument of whether the ban is justified. This can be achieved by explicitly linking each supporting point to the overall thesis, ensuring that all arguments contribute to the justification of the smoking ban in public areas.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic but requires more depth, detail, and clarity to achieve a higher band score. Expanding on ideas, providing supporting evidence, and ensuring all parts of the prompt are fully addressed will significantly improve the quality of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument in favor of the ban on smoking in public places, with a logical progression of ideas. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, stating the writer’s agreement with the ban. Each body paragraph addresses a distinct reason supporting the argument, which enhances the overall clarity. For instance, the first body paragraph focuses on health impacts, while the second discusses environmental effects. However, the transition between the two points could be smoother to reinforce the logical flow.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that link the ideas between paragraphs more explicitly. For example, after discussing health impacts, a sentence like "In addition to health concerns, the environmental implications of smoking also warrant attention" could provide a clearer connection between the two arguments.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively utilizes paragraphs, with each one dedicated to a specific aspect of the argument. The introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion are clearly delineated, which aids readability. However, the body paragraphs could benefit from more structured topic sentences that clearly outline the main idea of each paragraph. The second body paragraph, for instance, begins with a statement about environmental effects but could be more explicitly linked back to the main argument.
  • How to improve: Strengthen paragraph structure by starting each body paragraph with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main point. For example, in the second body paragraph, a topic sentence like "The environmental consequences of smoking are equally significant" would provide a clearer focus for the reader.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Not only… but also," and "Moreover," which help to connect ideas within and between sentences. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between ideas could be more explicit. For example, the phrase "However" is used to introduce a contrasting idea but does not clearly indicate what it contrasts with in the previous sentence.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, using "Additionally," "Furthermore," and "Consequently" can help create a more nuanced flow of ideas. Also, ensure that each cohesive device clearly indicates the relationship between ideas, such as using "In contrast" when discussing opposing viewpoints or implications.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, with clear organization and effective use of paragraphs. By enhancing transitions, refining paragraph structures, and diversifying cohesive devices, the writer can further elevate the clarity and fluidity of their argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but it tends to rely on common phrases and lacks variety. For example, terms like "negative effects," "harmful smoke," and "justifiably banned" are repeated without much variation. While the vocabulary is generally appropriate for the topic, it does not showcase a broader lexical range that could enhance the argument.
  • How to improve: To improve, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more specific terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "negative effects," alternatives such as "detrimental impacts" or "adverse consequences" could be employed. Additionally, using more sophisticated vocabulary related to health and environmental issues, such as "toxic emissions" or "public health crisis," would elevate the essay.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that could lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "the health of smokers and other people who directly breathe in the harmful smoke is gradually spoiled" could be more accurately expressed as "the health of smokers and non-smokers exposed to secondhand smoke is severely compromised." The term "spoiled" is not typically used in a health context and diminishes the seriousness of the issue.
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys the intended meaning. This could involve replacing vague terms with more specific ones. For example, instead of "utilize them," the writer could say "smoke them." Furthermore, ensuring that terms are contextually appropriate will strengthen the clarity of the argument.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "CO and CO2 from smoke directly cause air pollution" where "CO" and "CO2" are correctly spelled, but the phrase could be clearer with proper context. Additionally, "research prove" should be "research proves," indicating a grammatical oversight that affects spelling and overall fluency.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully, focusing on commonly misspelled words and ensuring subject-verb agreement. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help identify errors. Regular practice with vocabulary exercises can also reinforce correct spelling habits.

In summary, while the essay meets the basic requirements for lexical resource, it would benefit from a more varied vocabulary, precise word choices, and careful attention to spelling. By implementing these suggestions, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their writing and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of phrases like “Banning adults from smoking is justifiable because of its negative effects” showcases a clear structure. However, the essay relies heavily on straightforward sentence constructions, which can make the writing feel somewhat repetitive. The phrase “Not only individuals are affected but also the environment has numerous adverse effects” attempts to use a more complex structure, but it could be improved for clarity and grammatical accuracy.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer could incorporate more complex sentences and varied conjunctions. For example, using relative clauses (e.g., “which can lead to serious health issues”) or participial phrases (e.g., “Having considered the health implications, it is clear that…”) would add depth to the writing. Additionally, varying the sentence beginnings can help maintain reader interest.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For instance, the phrase “the health of smokers and other people who directly breathe in the harmful smoke is gradually spoiled” uses “spoiled” incorrectly; a more appropriate word would be “compromised” or “damaged.” Furthermore, the sentence “In research, there are millions of adults who died from overusing cigarettes” should be revised to “Research shows that millions of adults have died from excessive cigarette use.” Additionally, punctuation errors, such as missing commas in compound sentences, detract from the overall clarity of the essay.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of tenses. Regular practice with grammar exercises and reviewing common grammatical rules can be beneficial. For punctuation, it is advisable to study the rules for using commas, especially in complex sentences. Reading the essay aloud can also help identify areas where punctuation may be needed for clarity.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some individuals think that smoking is justifiably banned as it is illegal in public places in particular countries nowadays. I strongly support this perspective due to several significant reasons that will be explained in this essay.

Banning adults from smoking is justifiable because of its negative effects. Firstly, the health of smokers and other people who directly breathe in the harmful smoke is progressively compromised. Cigarettes contain numerous chemicals that damage people’s lungs and the respiratory system. However, those who use them are exposed to toxic fumes daily, affecting both children and surrounding individuals. Numerous studies have documented millions of adult deaths from overusing cigarettes, and several children have developed lung cancer due to the harmful smoke.

Not only are individuals affected, but the environment also suffers from numerous adverse effects. Chemicals such as CO and CO2 from smoke directly cause air pollution. Many studies prove that the amount of CO in cigarettes is one of the causes that affect the ozone layer and the environment. Moreover, fires caused by cigarettes can be a significant cause of forest fires. Farmers who frequently smoke in forests and carelessly ignite fires can lead to serious consequences.

In conclusion, I strongly support the view that smoking should be prohibited due to its several negative effects.