In many countries, the government prioritises economic growth above all other concerns. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this.

In many countries, the government prioritises economic growth above all other concerns. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this.

In several nations, the government focuses on the development of the economy as a priority rather than other concerns. The benefits of this priority are that it can enhance the quality of people’s lives and reduce crime rates. However, it can be disadvantageous because it can lead to a shortage of the domestic workforce and cause environmental pollution.

On the one hand, one advantage of prioritizing to grow the economy is to enhance the living standard. This is because there will be more buildings and facilities constructed when the economy thrives that meet people’s needs, such as entertainment, education, or work. Furthermore, the priority on economic development can also reduce crime rates. When the economy improves, education will be more invested, allowing people to have enough recognition to avoid criminal activities. For example, nations having high crime rates, often have a poor economy and education system, particularly in African countries. If these countries focused on developing the economy, they would have more budget to invest in education to improve people’s recognition, which the number of criminals would decrease.

On the other hand, growing the economy as a priority can be unbeneficial because it will lead to a lack of the domestic workforce. Excessive economic growth will create too many available jobs, while the number of domestic workers is not enough to fill these jobs. Thus, the government has to pay more to attract the international workforce. The other drawback is that it can cause environmental pollution. That is to say that economic development means more factories, leading to more toxic emissions expelled into the environment. For instance, China is one of the most polluted countries, although it has a high rate of GDP.

In conclusion, prioritizing economic development can be beneficial since it improves living standards and reduces crime rates. However, it can be disadvantageous because it can lead to a lack of domestic workforce and pollute the environment.

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Errors and Improvements:

1. "In several nations, the government focuses on the development of the economy as a priority rather than other concerns." -> "In numerous nations, governments prioritize economic development over other considerations."
   Explanation: Replacing "several" with "numerous" and restructuring the sentence to "governments prioritize economic development over other considerations" enhances formality and clarity in expressing the focus on economic development.

2. "The benefits of this priority are that it can enhance the quality of people’s lives and reduce crime rates." -> "The advantages of this emphasis include enhancing the quality of life and mitigating crime rates."
   Explanation: Replacing "benefits" with "advantages" and rephrasing the sentence for conciseness and precision improves the academic tone.

3. "On the one hand, one advantage of prioritizing to grow the economy is to enhance the living standard." -> "Firstly, prioritizing economic growth contributes to an enhanced standard of living."
   Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and replacing "to grow" with "economic growth" improves the academic style.

4. "This is because there will be more buildings and facilities constructed when the economy thrives that meet people’s needs, such as entertainment, education, or work." -> "This is due to the increased construction of buildings and facilities meeting diverse needs, such as entertainment, education, or work, during economic prosperity."
   Explanation: Clarifying the sentence structure and using more precise language, such as "diverse needs," enhances the formality of expression.

5. "Furthermore, the priority on economic development can also reduce crime rates." -> "Moreover, prioritizing economic development can contribute to a reduction in crime rates."
   Explanation: Substituting "furthermore" with "moreover" and refining the sentence structure adds formality and coherence.

6. "If these countries focused on developing the economy, they would have more budget to invest in education to improve people’s recognition, which the number of criminals would decrease." -> "If these nations concentrated on economic development, they would allocate more funds to education, thereby enhancing public awareness and reducing criminal activities."
   Explanation: Replacing "focused on developing" with "concentrated on," refining the wording to "allocate more funds to education," and using "public awareness" instead of "people’s recognition" improves the precision and formality of the expression.

7. "Excessive economic growth will create too many available jobs, while the number of domestic workers is not enough to fill these jobs." -> "Excessive economic growth will generate an excess of available jobs, surpassing the available domestic workforce to fill these positions."
   Explanation: Enhancing the phrase "create too many available jobs" to "generate an excess of available jobs" and restructuring the sentence for clarity and precision contribute to a more formal tone.

8. "That is to say that economic development means more factories, leading to more toxic emissions expelled into the environment." -> "Namely, economic development entails an increase in factories, resulting in a higher volume of toxic emissions released into the environment."
   Explanation: Using "namely" for clarity and rephrasing the sentence for precision enhances the academic style.

Note: Overall, the essay has been improved for formality, clarity, and precision while maintaining natural language flow.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed Explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the question. It discusses both the advantages and disadvantages of prioritizing economic growth, providing examples to support each point. For instance, it highlights the positive impact on living standards and crime rates, as well as the negative consequences related to a lack of domestic workforce and environmental pollution.
  • How to Improve: To enhance completeness, consider exploring a broader range of advantages and disadvantages. Additionally, ensure that each point is thoroughly elaborated to provide a more nuanced understanding.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed Explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, presenting both the positive and negative aspects of prioritizing economic growth. Each paragraph is focused on either an advantage or a disadvantage, contributing to a coherent and consistent stance.
  • How to Improve: To further strengthen the clarity, consider explicitly stating the main argument or position in the introduction and summarizing it in the conclusion. This can help readers easily identify the essay’s stance.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed Explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas, extends them with examples, and supports them with relevant details. For example, the discussion on reducing crime rates is extended by linking it to improved education and recognition. The support for the disadvantages includes specific examples like the shortage of domestic workforce and environmental pollution in China.
  • How to Improve: To enhance development, consider providing more depth to the supporting examples. Elaborate further on the cause-and-effect relationships, and ensure a seamless flow between ideas.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed Explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, discussing the specified advantages and disadvantages of prioritizing economic growth. However, there is a slight deviation in the introduction, where the essay mentions "reducing crime rates" as a benefit before explaining why economic growth is advantageous.
  • How to Improve: To maintain focus, ensure that the order of presenting ideas aligns with the essay structure. Start by introducing the general benefits of economic growth before delving into specific aspects.

In conclusion, the essay effectively addresses the prompt’s requirements and exhibits a strong understanding of the advantages and disadvantages of prioritizing economic growth. To improve, consider refining the organization of ideas and providing more comprehensive examples.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It begins with a clear introduction that outlines both the advantages and disadvantages of prioritizing economic growth. Each body paragraph discusses a specific advantage or disadvantage, contributing to a coherent overall structure. However, there is room for improvement in the flow of ideas within paragraphs, particularly in terms of sentence transitions and the progression of arguments. For instance, the transition between the advantages and disadvantages could be smoother.
  • How to improve: To enhance the logical flow, consider using transitional phrases between sentences and paragraphs to guide the reader through the essay more smoothly. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph follows a clear internal structure with a topic sentence, supporting details, and a concluding sentence.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively to present distinct ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the prompt, contributing to a clear overall structure. However, some paragraphs could benefit from stronger topic sentences to provide a more explicit preview of the main idea. In particular, the second paragraph could be improved by presenting a clear topic sentence that succinctly introduces the advantages of prioritizing economic growth.
  • How to improve: Strengthen the introductory sentences of each paragraph to clearly outline the main point. This will help the reader quickly understand the focus of each section. Additionally, consider varying the length of sentences within paragraphs for added readability.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay incorporates cohesive devices, such as linking words and phrases, to connect ideas and create a sense of cohesion. However, there is a slight overreliance on repetitive phrases like "on the one hand" and "on the other hand." While these contribute to coherence, diversifying the use of cohesive devices would enhance the overall quality of the writing.
  • How to improve: Expand the repertoire of cohesive devices by incorporating synonyms and varied transitional phrases. This will not only maintain coherence but also make the essay more engaging for the reader. For example, instead of consistently using "on the one hand" and "on the other hand," experiment with alternatives like "furthermore" and "however" to add variety.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is effective use of words related to the topic, such as "economic growth," "living standard," and "crime rates." However, the vocabulary could be more varied, and some phrases are repeated throughout the essay (e.g., "economic development").
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms and exploring different ways to express ideas. For example, instead of repeatedly using "economic development," consider alternatives like "economic progress" or "financial advancement." Additionally, introduce more specialized vocabulary related to economic concepts or the advantages/disadvantages discussed.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, but there are instances where words could be more precisely chosen. For example, in the phrase "there will be more buildings and facilities constructed," the term "constructed" is somewhat generic; using a more specific term like "erected" or "established" would enhance precision.
  • How to improve: Aim for greater precision by selecting words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Consider consulting a thesaurus to identify more nuanced alternatives for commonly used words. Pay attention to the context in which words are used and choose the most fitting option.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains correct spelling throughout. However, there are a few instances where attention is needed, such as "unbeneficial" (should be "disadvantageous") and "excesssive" (should be "excessive").
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, proofread the essay carefully, paying close attention to common trouble spots. Utilize spelling and grammar checking tools to catch errors. Additionally, focus on commonly confused words and practice their correct usage.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of vocabulary with room for improvement. To enhance the Lexical Resource score, aim for a more diverse and precise vocabulary while ensuring meticulous attention to spelling accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a fair range of sentence structures, incorporating both simple and complex constructions. However, there is a tendency to rely on straightforward sentence patterns, which, while grammatically correct, can affect the overall fluency and sophistication of the essay. For instance, there is a consistent use of basic subject-verb-object structures throughout the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences. This can be achieved by integrating subordinate clauses, using varied sentence lengths, and experimenting with different sentence beginnings. For example, instead of consistently starting sentences with "This is because" or "Furthermore," try introducing variety with conjunctions like "Moreover," or "In addition to this."

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates sound grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances where subject-verb agreement is not consistently maintained. For example, in the sentence, "Excessive economic growth will create too many available jobs, while the number of domestic workers is not enough to fill these jobs," the subject "number" requires the plural verb "are" instead of "is."
    Punctuation is used appropriately for the most part, but there is room for improvement. The essay would benefit from a more varied use of punctuation marks, such as colons and semicolons, to enhance clarity and structure.
  • How to improve: Focus on maintaining consistent subject-verb agreement throughout the essay. Proofread carefully to identify and correct instances where this agreement is lacking. Additionally, experiment with a wider range of punctuation marks to add variety and precision to your sentences. For instance, consider using colons to introduce lists or semicolons to connect related independent clauses.

In summary, while the essay displays a generally proficient command of grammar and punctuation, there is room for improvement in the diversification of sentence structures and meticulous attention to subject-verb agreement. Integrating these suggestions will contribute to a more polished and nuanced expression of ideas.

Bài sửa mẫu

In numerous nations, governments prioritize economic development over other considerations. The advantages of this emphasis include enhancing the quality of life and mitigating crime rates.

Firstly, prioritizing economic growth contributes to an enhanced standard of living. This is due to the increased construction of buildings and facilities meeting diverse needs, such as entertainment, education, or work, during economic prosperity. Moreover, prioritizing economic development can contribute to a reduction in crime rates. If these nations concentrated on economic development, they would allocate more funds to education, thereby enhancing public awareness and reducing criminal activities. Excessive economic growth will generate an excess of available jobs, surpassing the available domestic workforce to fill these positions. Namely, economic development entails an increase in factories, resulting in a higher volume of toxic emissions released into the environment.

Discussing the advantages and disadvantages of the government’s prioritization of economic growth, one advantage is the enhancement of the quality of people’s lives. As the economy thrives, more buildings and facilities are constructed to meet various needs like entertainment, education, or work, thus raising the living standard. Furthermore, a focus on economic development can contribute to a decrease in crime rates. Improved economic conditions enable increased investments in education, fostering public awareness and discouraging criminal activities. For instance, countries with high crime rates often exhibit poor economic and educational systems, particularly in African nations. If these countries redirected their focus to economic development, they could allocate more resources to education, reducing the number of criminals.

However, there are drawbacks to prioritizing economic growth. It can lead to a shortage of the domestic workforce due to excessive job creation surpassing the available local labor pool. Consequently, governments might need to attract international workers by offering higher wages. Another disadvantage is environmental pollution, a consequence of increased economic development. More factories mean a higher volume of toxic emissions released into the environment. China, for example, despite its high GDP, faces significant pollution issues.

In conclusion, while prioritizing economic development can enhance living standards and reduce crime rates, it also brings disadvantages such as a shortage of domestic workforce and environmental pollution. Balancing these aspects is crucial for governments aiming to achieve sustainable and comprehensive development.