In many countries today, if people want to find a job, they have to move away from their friends and their families. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

In many countries today, if people want to find a job, they have to move away from their friends and their families.
Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

In the past few years, relocating far ways from friends and family to search for job oppotunities has been a topic of great interest. While this trend leads to certain drawbacks, I believe that they are overshadowed by the benefits.
On the one hand, the disadvantages of moving to new place for work need to be acknowledge. The most significant one is the emotional impacts on individuals who move away from their loved ones. Leaving alone in the placed that far away from their families could rise the feelings of isolation and loneliness among individuals. To be more specific, these people may have to cope with many difficulties such as illness or job loss without or little supports from their families and friends when living far away from their home. Facing to these issues while still have to adapt with new environment could impact on their mental well-being or even have detrimental effects on people’s mental health in the long run.
On the other hand, I am more convinced that the demerits pale in comparison with the advantages. First of all, relocating for work can facilitate personal growth and independence. Living in new place away from support networks can challenge individuals to become more self-reliant and adaptable as they are forced to face unfamiliar situations. This allowed people to boost their problem-solving and resilience, which has a positive impact on their self-confidence and overall maturity in the long run. Furthermore, seeking employment opportunities in different regions or countries can significant enhance one’s professional growth and skill development. This is because exposing to diverse work environments can broaden their perspectives, allowing them to acquire new knowledge and expertise that might not be available in their hometown. For example, in pursuit job career in developed countries is more likely to give individuals opportunities to meet and learn from professionals, attending and participate in many projects of their fields, which consequently beneficial for their career prospects.
In conclusion, while it is undeniable that moving away from friends and family for work can detrimental individuals’ mental health in some cases, I still believe that the merits of this phenomenon far surpass its shortcoming.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

1. "relocating far ways" -> "relocating far away"
   Explanation: "Far ways" is not a standard expression. The use of "far away" is more grammatically correct and aligns with formal language.

2. "search for job oppotunities" -> "seek job opportunities"
   Explanation: "Search for job oppotunities" contains a misspelling ("oppotunities"). The phrase "seek job opportunities" is more concise and grammatically accurate.

3. "they are overshadowed by the benefits" -> "they are outweighed by the benefits"
   Explanation: "Overshadowed" may convey a sense of the benefits being obscured rather than simply outweighed. "Outweighed" is a more precise term for expressing that the benefits are greater.

4. "the disadvantages of moving to new place for work" -> "the drawbacks of relocating for work"
   Explanation: "Moving to new place for work" is informal and lacks precision. "Relocating for work" is a more formal and precise alternative.

5. "need to be acknowledge" -> "need to be acknowledged"
   Explanation: "Acknowledge" is the correct verb form in this context. The correction ensures proper grammar and maintains a formal tone.

6. "rise the feelings" -> "arise the feelings" or "give rise to the feelings"
   Explanation: "Rise the feelings" is not idiomatic. The corrected versions use "arise" or "give rise to," which are more appropriate in formal writing.

7. "Leaving alone in the placed" -> "Living alone in a place"
   Explanation: "Leaving alone in the placed" contains grammatical errors. The corrected version provides a grammatically accurate and clearer expression.

8. "could impact on their mental well-being" -> "could impact their mental well-being"
   Explanation: "Impact on" is wordy; "impact" alone suffices. Removing "on" enhances clarity and conciseness.

9. "have detrimental effects on people’s mental health" -> "have detrimental effects on individuals’ mental health"
   Explanation: "People’s" is imprecise; specifying "individuals’" improves clarity and maintains formality.

10. "I am more convinced that the demerits pale" -> "I am more convinced that the drawbacks pale"
    Explanation: "Demerits" is less formal; "drawbacks" is a more suitable term in academic writing.

11. "Living in new place away from support networks" -> "Living in a new place away from support networks"
    Explanation: Adding "a" before "new place" corrects the article usage, ensuring grammatical accuracy.

12. "This allowed people to boost their problem-solving" -> "This allows people to boost their problem-solving"
    Explanation: Using "allows" instead of "allowed" maintains tense consistency and improves the overall flow of the sentence.

13. "can significant enhance" -> "can significantly enhance"
    Explanation: "Significant enhance" lacks grammatical correctness. Adding "ly" to "significant" corrects the adverb usage.

14. "exposing to diverse work environments" -> "exposure to diverse work environments"
    Explanation: "Exposing to" is incorrect; the corrected form uses "exposure to," which is grammatically accurate.

15. "attending and participate in many projects" -> "attending and participating in many projects"
    Explanation: "Participate" should be in the gerund form, "participating," for grammatical accuracy.

16. "consequently beneficial for their career prospects" -> "consequently beneficial to their career prospects"
    Explanation: "Consequently beneficial for" is less precise; using "consequently beneficial to" improves the preposition usage.

17. "it is undeniable that moving away from friends and family" -> "it is undeniable that relocating away from friends and family"
    Explanation: "Moving away from" is less formal; "relocating away from" is a more appropriate and precise term in academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both sides of the prompt, discussing the disadvantages and advantages of relocating for job opportunities. There is a clear acknowledgment of emotional impacts and potential difficulties faced by individuals moving away from their families.
  • How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, consider providing more depth in the discussion of disadvantages and advantages. For instance, expanding on the emotional impacts and providing specific examples of difficulties individuals might face would strengthen the response.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent stance throughout, asserting that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. This position is evident in the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
  • How to improve: Continue emphasizing the chosen stance by explicitly stating it in the introduction and conclusion. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph aligns with and supports the overall position.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas on both sides of the argument and supports them with examples. However, there are instances where the discussion could be more detailed. For example, the disadvantages section could benefit from more elaboration on the emotional impacts.
  • How to improve: Develop each point further by providing specific examples, statistics, or anecdotes. This will enhance the depth of the argument and make it more convincing.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but could be more focused. There is a slight deviation in the second paragraph of the advantages section, where the discussion briefly touches on exposure to diverse work environments.
  • How to improve: Maintain a strict focus on the prompt throughout the essay. While discussing advantages, avoid introducing new elements that are not directly related to the question.

In conclusion, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt, there is room for improvement in providing more detailed examples, maintaining a stricter focus, and enhancing the depth of the discussion. By incorporating these suggestions, the essay can further strengthen its argument and improve its overall coherence.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a logical organization. The introduction introduces the topic, and the body paragraphs present clear arguments for both sides. However, the use of subheadings or clear signposts could enhance the organization, making it easier for the reader to follow the structure. For instance, a subheading indicating the disadvantages and advantages would provide a clearer roadmap.
  • How to improve: To improve logical organization, consider using subheadings to clearly separate the discussion of advantages and disadvantages. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph follows a clear structure with a topic sentence, supporting details, and a concluding sentence.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but there is room for improvement in their structure. Paragraphs should ideally focus on one main idea and transition smoothly to the next. Some paragraphs in the essay cover multiple ideas, affecting clarity.
  • How to improve: To enhance paragraphing, ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and supporting details. Avoid mixing different points within a single paragraph. Begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that sets the tone for the rest of the paragraph.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases, to connect ideas. However, there is a tendency to overuse certain phrases, and at times, the connections between sentences could be more seamless.
  • How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices to avoid repetition. Instead of relying heavily on phrases like "on the one hand" and "on the other hand," explore alternative expressions. Additionally, pay attention to the flow between sentences, ensuring a smooth progression of ideas. Consider using a variety of cohesive devices such as pronouns, synonyms, and transitional phrases.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid level of coherence and cohesion. To improve, focus on clearer subheadings, refined paragraph structures, and a diversified use of cohesive devices. These adjustments will enhance the essay’s organization and make it more reader-friendly.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with a mix of common and somewhat more advanced words. There is an attempt to use varied vocabulary, such as "relocating," "opportunities," "acknowledge," "isolated," "self-reliant," "adaptable," and "detrimental." However, there is room for improvement as some phrases appear repetitive, and more sophisticated synonyms could be incorporated.
  • How to improve: To enhance the lexical range, consider using a greater variety of synonyms and more context-specific vocabulary. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "move away" or "far away," you can employ alternatives like "relocate" or "distant locations" to add nuance and sophistication. Additionally, introduce specialized vocabulary related to the job market, emotional well-being, and personal growth to elevate the overall lexical quality.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a mix of precise and imprecise vocabulary. For example, the phrase "Leaving alone in the placed that far away" is imprecise, and there is a tendency to use generic terms like "difficulties" without specific details. On the positive side, terms like "self-reliant," "resilience," and "professional growth" are more precise.
  • How to improve: Aim for clarity and specificity in expression. Replace vague terms with concrete examples and specific details. Instead of using general terms like "difficulties," specify the challenges individuals may face when away from their support networks. Additionally, refine sentence structures to enhance coherence and precision, avoiding awkward or unclear phrasing.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally satisfactory, with only a few minor errors, such as "oppotunities" (opportunities) and "placed" (place). While these errors do not significantly impede understanding, addressing them would contribute to an overall polished presentation.
  • How to improve: Develop a habit of proofreading to catch and correct spelling errors before submitting the essay. Utilize spell-check tools to identify and rectify minor typos. Focus on commonly misspelled words and pay attention to the specific spelling patterns of words related to the essay topic. Continuous practice and attention to detail will contribute to improved spelling accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. Simple and compound sentences are prevalent, and there is an attempt at complex structures, though they are not consistently employed. For instance, there is an effective use of a complex sentence in the second paragraph with "Living in a new place away from support networks can challenge individuals to become more self-reliant and adaptable as they are forced to face unfamiliar situations." However, more varied sentence structures, such as compound-complex or inverted sentences, could enhance the overall fluency and sophistication of the essay.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences and varying sentence lengths. For instance, experiment with the use of compound-complex sentences to convey ideas with greater intricacy. Additionally, explore the use of inversion for emphasis or stylistic variation.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of grammatical accuracy, with only a few notable errors. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement, such as "relocating far ways" (far away), "acknowledge" (acknowledged), and "rise" (raise). Additionally, there are occasional lapses in punctuation, like missing commas after introductory phrases and inconsistent use of capitalization. However, these errors do not significantly impede understanding, and the essay maintains a generally coherent structure.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay closer attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tenses, and word choices. Proofread for consistency in punctuation, ensuring proper usage of commas, periods, and capitalization. Consider using grammar-check tools and allocating dedicated time for proofreading to catch and rectify such errors before submitting the final draft.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent years, the topic of relocating far away from friends and family in pursuit of job opportunities has garnered significant attention. While this trend brings about certain drawbacks, I contend that they are outweighed by the benefits.

On the downside, the drawbacks of relocating for work need to be acknowledged. The most significant one is the emotional impact on individuals who move away from their loved ones. Living alone in a place far away from their families could arouse feelings of isolation and loneliness. To be more specific, individuals may have to contend with difficulties such as illness or job loss with little or no support from their families and friends when living far away from home. Dealing with these issues while still adapting to a new environment could impact their mental well-being and potentially have detrimental effects on people’s mental health in the long run.

On the other hand, I am more convinced that the drawbacks pale in comparison with the advantages. Firstly, relocating for work can facilitate personal growth and independence. Living in a new place away from support networks can challenge individuals to become more self-reliant and adaptable as they are forced to face unfamiliar situations. This allows people to boost their problem-solving and resilience, positively impacting their self-confidence and overall maturity in the long run. Furthermore, seeking employment opportunities in different regions or countries can significantly enhance one’s professional growth and skill development. This is because exposure to diverse work environments can broaden perspectives, enabling individuals to acquire new knowledge and expertise not readily available in their hometown. For example, pursuing a career in developed countries is more likely to provide individuals with opportunities to meet and learn from professionals, attend and participate in various projects within their fields, consequently benefiting their career prospects.

In conclusion, while it is undeniable that relocating away from friends and family for work can have detrimental effects on individuals’ mental health in some cases, I still believe that the benefits of this phenomenon far surpass its shortcomings.