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In many countries today, major cities have become too big and overcrowded. Why is this? What measures could be taken to reduce this problem?

In many countries today, major cities have become too big and overcrowded. Why is this? What measures could be taken to reduce this problem?

Major cities have become extremely gigantic and overpopulated in many nations around the world. In this essay, I will discuss on the main reason leading to this phenomenon and suggest some measures to deal with it.

The situation that a large number of cities are growing excessively in both their sizes and populations is mostly attributed to urbanization. This can be further explained as there are some cities that urbanized earlier than others for their geological or political advantages, which has created huge occupational prospects. As a result, the enormous number of workers migrating from underprivileged areas to urbanized cities has led to a mass exodus, putting more and more pressure on major cities. The effect of this phenomenon is obvious, for instance, Hanoi, the capital city of Vietnam, had escalated its population from 2.5 millions to roughly 20 millions in only 20 years, from 1990 to 2010, when urbanization took place actively in this country.

As the enormous effect of uncontrolled urbanization, the governments of each country should take immediate action to deal with it. The most common measure is to bring in policies and legislations that prioritize the development of other areas across the country. Such a measure would create more job opportunity for the local residents, so that their migrating demand to seek for decent jobs will reduce considerably. For example, giving attractive incentives for businesses to put their headquarters in less developed areas would be an effective move that the governments should consider.

In conclusion, the overwhelmed-paced growth in both sizes and populations of many big cities is the result of unbalanced urbanizing process. To better address and reduce the effect of such problem, it is necessary to have proper policies to control and manage urbanization on a large scale.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "In this essay, I will discuss on the main reason leading to this phenomenon" -> "In this essay, I will examine the primary factor contributing to this phenomenon."
    Explanation: Replacing "discuss on" with "examine" and "leading to" with "contributing to" enhances the formality and precision of the sentence.

  2. "gigantic and overpopulated" -> "enormous and densely populated"
    Explanation: Substituting "gigantic" with "enormous" and "overpopulated" with "densely populated" provides more sophisticated and nuanced language, aligning with academic style.

  3. "This can be further explained as there are some cities" -> "This can be further elucidated by the fact that certain cities"
    Explanation: The replacement eliminates redundancy and introduces a more formal phrase, "elucidated by the fact that," improving the academic tone.

  4. "geological or political advantages" -> "geographical or political advantages"
    Explanation: Replacing "geological" with "geographical" maintains accuracy and aligns with the appropriate terminology related to city development.

  5. "created huge occupational prospects" -> "generated substantial employment opportunities"
    Explanation: Substituting "created" with "generated" and "occupational prospects" with "employment opportunities" conveys a more precise and formal meaning.

  6. "As a result, the enormous number of workers migrating" -> "Consequently, the substantial influx of migrant workers"
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance the flow and formality by replacing "enormous number" with "substantial influx" and restructuring the sentence.

  7. "mass exodus" -> "significant migration"
    Explanation: "Mass exodus" is replaced with "significant migration" to maintain formality while conveying a similar meaning.

  8. "For instance, Hanoi, the capital city of Vietnam, had escalated its population" -> "For instance, Hanoi, the capital city of Vietnam, experienced a surge in its population"
    Explanation: The use of "escalated" is replaced with "experienced a surge," contributing to a more formal and precise expression.

  9. "took place actively in this country" -> "occurred actively in this country"
    Explanation: The replacement with "occurred actively" maintains the intended meaning while adhering to formal language standards.

  10. "As the enormous effect of uncontrolled urbanization" -> "Due to the significant impact of uncontrolled urbanization"
    Explanation: The change improves the transition and formality by replacing "enormous effect" with "significant impact" and rephrasing the sentence.

  11. "governments should consider" -> "governments should contemplate"
    Explanation: Substituting "consider" with "contemplate" adds a level of formality to the suggestion.

  12. "To better address and reduce the effect of such problem" -> "To effectively mitigate the impact of this issue"
    Explanation: The suggested changes improve the precision and formality of the concluding statement.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both aspects of the question. It discusses why major cities become overcrowded, attributing it primarily to urbanization and migration from underprivileged areas. It also proposes measures to alleviate this issue, mentioning the need for policies prioritizing development in other regions to reduce migration pressure.
    • How to improve: To further enhance, provide more specific examples or case studies illustrating successful implementation of such measures. Expanding on how these policies could be practically implemented or highlighting potential challenges would strengthen the argument.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent stance throughout, emphasizing that uncontrolled urbanization is the main cause of overcrowding in major cities. The proposed solution aligns with this stance, advocating for policies to manage urbanization.
    • How to improve: To bolster the clarity, explicitly state the position in the introduction and reinforce it throughout the body paragraphs. Emphasize the cause-and-effect relationship between uncontrolled urbanization and overcrowding in major cities to solidify the argument.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about urbanization and its consequences fairly well. It introduces the concept of urbanization, provides an example (Hanoi’s population growth), and suggests a solution (prioritizing development in other areas).
    • How to improve: Elaborate more on the consequences of overcrowding in cities beyond population growth. Discuss factors like strain on infrastructure, social issues, or environmental impacts. Additionally, expand on how prioritizing development in other areas directly addresses overcrowding in major cities.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay largely remains focused on the topic of why major cities become overcrowded and measures to reduce this issue. However, there could be more depth in explaining how the proposed measures directly address overcrowding.
    • How to improve: Ensure all discussion points connect back explicitly to the problem of overcrowding. Delve deeper into the cause-and-effect relationship between urbanization, migration, and city overcrowding to maintain a stronger focus on the topic.

Improvements could involve incorporating specific examples, providing more detailed explanations, and strengthening the cause-effect relationship between urbanization and overcrowding. Additionally, expanding on the consequences of city overcrowding and how proposed measures directly alleviate this issue would further enrich the essay’s content.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The writer effectively discusses the main reason for cities becoming overcrowded and proposes measures to address the issue. The essay’s structure follows a chronological order, presenting the cause first and then suggesting solutions. However, there is room for improvement in the development of ideas within paragraphs, as some points could be elaborated further for a more comprehensive discussion.

    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider providing more depth to each point within paragraphs. For instance, the explanation of the consequences of urbanization in Hanoi could be expanded to include specific examples or data, offering a more nuanced understanding of the issue. This will contribute to a more thorough and cohesive argument.

  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the topic. The introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion are distinct and contribute to the overall coherence of the essay. However, some paragraphs could benefit from stronger topic sentences and concluding sentences to guide the reader through the flow of ideas.

    • How to improve: Strengthen the topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to clearly convey the main idea. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a robust concluding sentence that summarizes the key point and smoothly transitions to the next paragraph. This will enhance the overall coherence and flow of the essay.

  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses a variety of cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases ("for instance," "as a result," "in conclusion"), to connect ideas and create a sense of progression. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the types of cohesive devices used, such as pronouns and parallel structures, to further strengthen the coherence.

    • How to improve: Integrate a wider range of cohesive devices, including pronouns (e.g., "this phenomenon," "such a measure"), parallel structures (e.g., maintaining consistent grammatical structures in sentences), and other connectors. This will add complexity and sophistication to the essay’s cohesion, contributing to a higher band score.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a commendable level of coherence and cohesion, earning a Band Score of 7. To further improve, focus on providing more detailed explanations, strengthening topic sentences and concluding sentences, and incorporating a broader range of cohesive devices.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, incorporating terms such as "overpopulated," "phenomenon," "urbanization," "exodus," "escalated," and "legislations." However, the vocabulary could be more diverse and sophisticated, especially in exploring nuances within the discussed concepts.
    • How to improve: To enhance the lexical variety, consider using synonyms, idiomatic expressions, or specialized vocabulary where appropriate. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "urbanization," explore terms like "metropolitan expansion" or "urban sprawl" to diversify the expression of the concept.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The vocabulary usage is generally precise, effectively conveying the intended meanings. For instance, "exodus" aptly describes the mass movement of people to urban centers. However, some areas could benefit from more precise vocabulary choices to avoid repetition or vagueness.
    • How to improve: Aim for more nuanced and specific terms to avoid repetitive usage of certain words or phrases. For instance, instead of frequently using "cities" or "urbanized cities," vary with phrases like "metropolitan areas" or "densely populated regions" to add specificity and richness to descriptions.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of spelling accuracy with minor errors, such as "legislations" instead of "legislation" (uncountable noun) and "overwhelmed-paced" instead of "overwhelmingly paced."
    • How to improve: Review and revise written work meticulously, focusing on specific areas of weakness. Utilize spelling tools, proofreading, and practice exercises to enhance spelling precision and minimize errors. Developing a habit of revisiting written pieces can significantly improve accuracy.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a commendable level of vocabulary usage and spelling accuracy, refining and diversifying the vocabulary choices could elevate the sophistication of the language. Additionally, a focus on precision and varied expressions would enhance the overall lexical richness of the essay. Practicing with a range of vocabulary and consistently revising written work will contribute to achieving a more advanced level of language proficiency.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of sentence structures. There is a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, the essay tends to rely on straightforward structures, with limited use of more sophisticated ones. For instance, there is a recurring use of basic subject-verb-object constructions, and some sentence structures lack complexity, impacting the overall variety.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures such as conditional sentences, passive voice, or varied sentence lengths. Introduce clauses and phrases for added depth and sophistication. Varying the sentence structures will contribute to a more engaging and nuanced essay.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay maintains a satisfactory level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances of errors, such as in the phrase "overwhelmed-paced growth" where a hyphen is incorrectly used. Additionally, there are minor issues with subject-verb agreement, as seen in "the governments of each country should take immediate action."
    • How to improve: Pay careful attention to sentence construction and verb usage. Proofread the essay for subject-verb agreement and eliminate unnecessary hyphens. Consider seeking feedback on specific instances of error to refine your grammatical accuracy further.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally used correctly throughout the essay. Commas, periods, and other basic punctuation marks are appropriately placed. However, there is a lack of more advanced punctuation, such as semicolons or colons, which could contribute to a more sophisticated writing style.
    • How to improve: Experiment with incorporating advanced punctuation, such as semicolons, colons, or em dashes, where appropriate. This can add variety to sentence structures and contribute to a more polished and refined essay. Ensure consistency in the use of punctuation marks to maintain clarity and coherence.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and a good range of sentence structures, contributing to a Band Score of 7 for Grammatical Range and Accuracy. To further improve, focus on diversifying sentence structures, refining grammatical accuracy, and experimenting with advanced punctuation for a more nuanced and sophisticated writing style.

Bài sửa mẫu

Major cities have become enormous and densely populated in numerous nations across the globe. In this essay, I will examine the primary factor contributing to this phenomenon and propose measures to address it.

The burgeoning size and population of major cities can be attributed mainly to uncontrolled urbanization. This can be further elucidated by the fact that certain cities urbanized earlier than others, benefiting from geographical or political advantages, thus generating substantial employment opportunities. Consequently, the substantial influx of migrant workers from underprivileged areas to urbanized cities has led to significant migration, putting immense pressure on major cities. For instance, Hanoi, the capital city of Vietnam, experienced a surge in its population from 2.5 million to roughly 20 million in just 20 years, from 1990 to 2010, when urbanization occurred actively in this country.

Due to the significant impact of uncontrolled urbanization, governments should contemplate effective measures to mitigate this issue. One feasible approach is to implement policies and legislations prioritizing the development of other areas across the country. This measure would create more job opportunities for local residents, thereby reducing their migrating demand in search of decent jobs. For example, offering attractive incentives for businesses to establish their headquarters in less developed areas would be a practical move for governments to consider.

In conclusion, the overwhelming growth in both size and population of many major cities is a result of an unbalanced urbanization process. To effectively mitigate the impact of this issue, governments should contemplate and implement proper policies to control and manage urbanization on a large scale.

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