In many countries, wages for some types of job are much higher than wages
for other types of job. Some people think that this is unfair.
Do you agree or disagree?
How should different types of job be paid?
In the modern age, having a job with a good salary is easier than in the past, but in some countries, there is still debate about wages. It is said that wages for some kinds of jobs are higher than others and some people think it is unfair. I totally agree with this statement.
As we all know, many people choose a job that is easy to approach. For instance, those majors don’t require much experience, it is can be easily found on the internet, and they can apply almost instantly. For example, sales, and shop assistants, these jobs not well-paid jobs. Similarly, labor market diversity. There are a variety of jobs in the market leading to those individuals not having a long-term commitment to jobs so often they do not have excessively high salaries. For example, they just want to have an experience to work a well-paid job.
Secondly, the government has not allocated salaries properly. For instance, salaries typically have to compete with other factors such as education, healthcare, social security, and other areas. Decisions on resource allocation among those sectors can be difficult and contentious.
In conclusion, I believe that these problems will be solved in the future. Balance in salary will be improved soon.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"is can be easily found" -> "can be easily found"
Explanation: Eliminating the unnecessary "is" improves grammatical accuracy, creating a more formal and polished sentence structure.
"jobs not well-paid jobs" -> "jobs that are not well-paid"
Explanation: Restructuring the phrase to "jobs that are not well-paid" enhances clarity and adheres to a more formal style by using proper syntax.
"There are a variety of jobs" -> "A variety of jobs exists"
Explanation: The revised version employs a more formal and precise expression, emphasizing the existence of various jobs in a more academic manner.
"those individuals not having" -> "individuals not having"
Explanation: Simplifying the phrase to "individuals not having" removes unnecessary words, maintaining formality and improving the overall flow of the sentence.
"experience to work a well-paid job" -> "experience to secure a well-compensated position"
Explanation: Replacing "work a well-paid job" with "secure a well-compensated position" adds sophistication to the language, contributing to a more formal tone.
"salaries typically have to compete" -> "salaries often have to compete"
Explanation: Introducing the word "often" adds nuance and accuracy to the statement, conveying that salary decisions frequently involve competition with other factors.
"Balance in salary will be improved soon" -> "Salary distribution will likely be improved in the near future."
Explanation: The suggested revision enhances formality and clarity while specifying the aspect of salary distribution rather than a more general "balance in salary."
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6 – UNDER WORD
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the main components of the prompt by discussing the disparity in wages for different types of jobs and expressing agreement with the notion that it is unfair. However, the analysis lacks depth and fails to explore the second part of the prompt regarding how different types of jobs should be paid. The essay would benefit from a more comprehensive examination of both aspects of the question.
- How to improve: To enhance task response, the writer should extend their discussion to include suggestions on how different types of jobs should be paid. This could involve exploring factors such as skills required, education levels, or societal contributions to justify varying salary scales.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, consistently agreeing with the idea that wage discrepancies are unfair. However, the argument lacks depth and doesn’t delve into nuances or counterarguments, which would strengthen the overall stance.
- How to improve: To strengthen the clarity and consistency of the position, the writer should provide more nuanced arguments, considering opposing viewpoints and addressing them to make the stance more robust.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas on the reasons behind wage discrepancies, including job accessibility and government salary allocation. However, these ideas lack development and specificity. For instance, the mention of jobs like sales and shop assistants is brief and lacks elaboration.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should provide more detailed examples and explanations to support their points. This could involve exploring specific industries, providing statistical data, or citing real-world examples to strengthen the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the inequality in wages. However, the conclusion introduces the idea that these problems will be solved in the future, which is somewhat tangential to the main topic.
- How to improve: To stay more focused, the writer should avoid introducing new ideas in the conclusion that are not directly related to the discussion of wage disparities. Instead, they should reiterate and summarize their main points to create a more cohesive conclusion.
In summary, while the essay addresses the main components of the prompt, it can significantly improve by providing a more thorough analysis of how different types of jobs should be paid, presenting a more nuanced position, supporting ideas with specific examples, and avoiding tangential points in the conclusion.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. It opens with a clear thesis statement supporting the idea that some jobs are unfairly paid, followed by two main supporting points. The first point discusses the ease of access to certain jobs, and the second point highlights government allocation issues. The essay concludes with a brief summary and a hopeful projection for the future.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider providing more detailed examples within each supporting point. Additionally, connect ideas between paragraphs to create a smoother transition. For instance, relate the government’s role in salary allocation back to the first point about easily accessible jobs.
- Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into three paragraphs, but the second paragraph is lengthy and covers multiple ideas. The introduction and conclusion are appropriately concise. However, breaking down the second paragraph into smaller, focused paragraphs would improve the overall structure and readability.
- How to improve: Aim for a clear topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph, ensuring that each paragraph revolves around a single main idea. This will enhance the essay’s organization and make it more reader-friendly.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes some cohesive devices, such as transitions like "for instance," and "secondly," helping to guide the reader through the points. However, there’s room for improvement in the variety and sophistication of these devices. Consider incorporating more linking words and phrases to strengthen the relationships between sentences and ideas.
- How to improve: Experiment with a broader range of cohesive devices, including conjunctions (e.g., "however," "therefore"), pronouns, and synonyms. This will contribute to a more cohesive and sophisticated essay structure.
In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a commendable coherence and cohesion level, refining the logical organization, paragraph structure, and incorporating a wider array of cohesive devices would elevate the essay to a higher band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. It uses basic terms and phrases, but there is room for improvement in the variety of expressions and idiomatic usage. For instance, terms like "labor market diversity" and "resource allocation" contribute to the range but lack depth. The essay needs more sophisticated and contextually appropriate vocabulary to enhance its lexical resource.
How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, the writer could incorporate more precise and nuanced terms. For example, instead of using general phrases like "some kinds of jobs," the writer could specify professions or industries, providing a more detailed and varied description. Additionally, exploring synonyms and idiomatic expressions related to wage disparities and employment choices could elevate the lexical richness.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
Detailed explanation: The vocabulary usage in the essay tends to be imprecise in several instances. For example, the phrase "those majors" could be more clearly defined, and terms like "experience" and "well-paid" lack specificity. There is a need for more precise and contextually accurate vocabulary to convey ideas with clarity.
How to improve: The writer should strive for precision by avoiding vague terms and ensuring that each word contributes to the clarity and accuracy of the message. In the given context, specifying the majors being referred to and providing concrete examples of well-paid jobs would enhance the precision. Additionally, using adjectives and adverbs more judiciously can help in conveying nuanced meanings.
Use Correct Spelling:
Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits correct spelling. However, there are a few instances where errors or awkward constructions compromise the overall spelling accuracy. For example, the phrase "it is can be easily found" contains a grammatical error. While this does not strictly fall under spelling, it affects the overall language accuracy.
How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should pay close attention to grammatical structures and proofread carefully. In this case, revising the sentence to "it can be easily found" would rectify the error. Additionally, using tools like spell-check and seeking feedback from peers or teachers can contribute to enhanced spelling accuracy.
In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the prompt, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and occasional grammatical errors would elevate the lexical resource to a higher band score.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly relies on simple sentence structures, and there is limited variation in sentence types. The majority of sentences follow a straightforward subject-verb-object pattern, contributing to a lack of complexity and sophistication. There is a notable absence of complex sentences, compound sentences, or varied sentence lengths.
- How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and make the essay more engaging, incorporate a variety of sentence structures. Introduce complex sentences by combining independent and dependent clauses. Use compound sentences to connect related ideas. For example, instead of consistently opting for simple sentences, consider incorporating more compound and complex structures to express ideas more effectively.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a range of grammatical errors and punctuation inaccuracies. For instance, in the phrase "it is can be easily found," there is a redundancy with "is" and "can be." Additionally, inconsistent verb tenses are present throughout, such as "there is still debate" and "I totally agree," causing a lack of precision. Punctuation errors, like missing commas after introductory phrases, are noticeable. These errors hinder the overall clarity and coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, carefully proofread the essay for errors in verb tense consistency, subject-verb agreement, and sentence structure. Utilize commas appropriately, especially after introductory phrases. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools to identify and rectify specific grammatical issues. This will contribute to a more polished and error-free essay.
In summary, while the essay expresses a clear stance on the prompt, improvement in grammatical range and accuracy is necessary. Diversifying sentence structures and addressing grammatical and punctuation errors will elevate the overall quality of the writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
In the contemporary era, securing a well-paying job is more accessible than in the past; however, the issue of wage disparity persists in some countries, prompting discussions on fairness. I wholeheartedly concur with the notion that certain types of jobs command higher salaries than others.
It is evident that many individuals opt for professions that require minimal experience and can be easily found on the internet. Jobs like sales and shop assistants fall into this category, yet they are not well-compensated. Furthermore, the diversity in the labor market contributes to the phenomenon, with individuals often lacking a long-term commitment to specific jobs, resulting in salaries that are not excessively high. This trend is observable, as individuals seek experiences that may eventually lead to securing well-compensated positions.
Another contributing factor is the government’s allocation of salaries, which often has to contend with competing priorities such as education, healthcare, and social security. The decision-making process in distributing resources among these sectors can be challenging and contentious, influencing the salaries associated with different types of jobs.
In conclusion, while wage disparities persist currently, I am optimistic that salary distribution will likely be improved in the near future. A more equitable balance in salaries is anticipated as societies address the underlying factors contributing to this issue.