In many nations, citizens are more inclined to possess a house for themselves than live in a rented accommodation. There are several reasons behind this phenomenon, and I am of the option that this may bring more harm than good.
In many nations, citizens are more inclined to possess a house for themselves than live in a rented accommodation. There are several reasons behind this phenomenon, and I am of the option that this may bring more harm than good.
In numerous countries, residents are more likely to own a home for themselves than to live in rented accommodation. There are several reasons behind this phenomenon, and I am of the opinion that this may have more negative consequences than benefits.
There are two primary reasons associated with this trend. To begin with, public perception is frequently influenced by the ownership of houses and material possessions, as these are criteria that reflect individuals' social status and wealth. This often results in different behaviors based on these possessions. For example, in Vietnam and China, many parents place emphasis on the financial status of candidates to assess their suitability for marriage, which may lead to rejection if the proposer cannot meet these financial demands. Therefore, owning a house can help people demonstrate their abilities and elevate their social status, gaining further respect from others. Furthermore, achieving these long-term goals, such as owning a home, can instill a sense of accomplishment in the owners, enabling them to live more confidently and motivating them to achieve further success.
Personally, I view this as a negative development. Owning a house may necessitate significant investment, which can encourage individuals to take on large mortgages to afford it. This can lead to the accumulation of debts and place a heavy financial burden on them, distracting the owners from their professional development. For instance, the former Starbucks CEO, Howard Schultz, would not have pursued his dream of building a global coffee chain if he had not stabilized his economic situation. Additionally, this may place a significant emotional burden on workers, as they have to work industriously to strive for their goals and pay off loans, posing risks to their health, including depression and anxiety.
In conclusion, there are several reasons for this trend, and I believe it is a negative phenomenon despite its advantages. It is advisable that owning a home should be considered necessary only when individuals are financially stable.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"residents are more likely to own a home for themselves" -> "residents are more inclined to own homes"
Explanation: The phrase "for themselves" is redundant and informal. Simplifying it to "homes" maintains the intended meaning while enhancing the formality of the sentence. -
"There are several reasons behind this phenomenon" -> "Several factors contribute to this phenomenon"
Explanation: "Several reasons behind" is a bit informal and vague. "Several factors contribute to" is more precise and academically appropriate. -
"I am of the opinion that" -> "I contend that"
Explanation: "I am of the opinion that" is a bit verbose and informal. "I contend that" is more direct and suitable for academic writing. -
"public perception is frequently influenced" -> "public perception is often influenced"
Explanation: "Frequently" is slightly less formal than "often," which is more commonly used in academic texts. -
"criteria that reflect individuals’ social status and wealth" -> "indicators of individuals’ social status and wealth"
Explanation: "Criteria" is a bit too formal and abstract for this context. "Indicators" is more precise and contextually appropriate. -
"This often results in different behaviors" -> "This frequently leads to diverse behaviors"
Explanation: "Frequently" is less formal than "often," and "leads to diverse behaviors" is more specific and formal than "results in different behaviors." -
"achieving these long-term goals" -> "attaining these long-term objectives"
Explanation: "Attaining" is more formal than "achieving," and "objectives" is preferred in academic contexts over "goals." -
"can instill a sense of accomplishment" -> "can foster a sense of accomplishment"
Explanation: "Foster" is a more precise and formal verb than "instill" in this context, suggesting a more deliberate and supportive process. -
"enabling them to live more confidently" -> "empowering them to live with greater confidence"
Explanation: "Empowering" is more specific and formal than "enabling," and "with greater confidence" is more precise than "more confidently." -
"Personally, I view this as a negative development" -> "I regard this as a detrimental development"
Explanation: "I regard" is more formal than "I view," and "detrimental" is a stronger, more academic term than "negative." -
"Owning a house may necessitate significant investment" -> "Owning a house often requires substantial investment"
Explanation: "Requires" is more direct and formal than "necessitates," and "substantial" is more precise than "significant." -
"This can lead to the accumulation of debts" -> "This may result in the accumulation of debt"
Explanation: "May result in" is more cautious and formal than "can lead to," and "debt" is more specific than "debts." -
"placing a heavy financial burden on them" -> "imposing a significant financial burden on them"
Explanation: "Imposing" is more formal and precise than "placing," and "significant" is preferred over "heavy" for academic writing. -
"distracting the owners from their professional development" -> "diverting the owners from their professional development"
Explanation: "Diverting" is a more precise term than "distracting" in this context, suggesting a more intentional redirection of focus. -
"It is advisable that owning a home should be considered necessary only when individuals are financially stable" -> "It is advisable to consider owning a home necessary only when individuals are financially stable"
Explanation: The passive construction "It is advisable that" is awkward and less direct. The active construction "It is advisable to consider" is clearer and more direct, improving the flow of the sentence.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing the reasons behind the inclination towards home ownership and presenting a clear stance that this trend may bring more harm than good. The author identifies social status and personal achievement as key reasons for this phenomenon, which aligns well with the prompt. However, while the reasons are articulated, the essay could benefit from a more explicit connection to the negative consequences of home ownership, as the prompt suggests a dual focus on both aspects.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should explicitly link the reasons for home ownership to the specific negative consequences they entail. For instance, after discussing social status, the essay could elaborate on how this societal pressure leads to financial strain, thereby creatinga more cohesive argument that addresses both sides of the question.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against the trend of home ownership, stating that it may lead to more negative outcomes. The author consistently supports this view throughout the essay, particularly in the second body paragraph where the financial and emotional burdens of home ownership are discussed. However, the phrase "despite its advantages" in the conclusion could create ambiguity regarding the author’s stance.
- How to improve: To reinforce the clarity of the position, the author should avoid phrases that could imply a balanced view if they do not intend to present one. A more definitive conclusion that reiterates the negative aspects without suggesting any potential benefits would strengthen the overall argument.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas well, particularly in the discussion of social status and the financial burdens of home ownership. The use of examples, such as the reference to Howard Schultz, effectively illustrates the points made. However, the essay could benefit from further elaboration on the negative consequences of home ownership, as the current examples primarily focus on the reasons for the trend rather than the harms associated with it.
- How to improve: The author should aim to extend ideas by providing additional examples or evidence that directly link home ownership to negative outcomes. For instance, including statistics on debt levels among homeowners or discussing the mental health implications in more detail would provide a stronger foundation for the argument.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic of home ownership versus renting throughout, with clear relevance to the prompt. The author does not deviate from the main theme, maintaining a coherent narrative. However, some sentences could be more concise to enhance clarity and focus.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should review each paragraph for any superfluous information that does not directly support the main argument. Streamlining sentences and ensuring that each point made ties back to the central thesis will help keep the essay tightly focused on the topic.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and presents a well-structured argument. With some refinements in linking reasons to consequences, clarifying the position, and extending ideas, the essay could achieve an even higher band score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The main ideas are logically sequenced, starting with the reasons behind home ownership and transitioning smoothly to the negative implications. For example, the first body paragraph effectively discusses societal perceptions of home ownership, followed by the second body paragraph that delves into personal viewpoints on the consequences of owning a home. This logical progression aids the reader’s understanding.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using more explicit signposting phrases to guide the reader through the argument. For instance, phrases like "Firstly," "Secondly," or "In contrast" can help clarify the relationship between ideas and emphasize shifts in perspective or argumentation.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The first paragraph introduces the topic and the reasons for home ownership, while the second paragraph articulates the author’s perspective on the negative consequences. However, the conclusion could be more robust, as it merely summarizes the points without reinforcing the argument or providing a final thought.
- How to improve: Strengthen the conclusion by summarizing the main arguments and reiterating the significance of the viewpoint presented. A concluding sentence that reflects on the broader implications of the argument or suggests further areas for consideration could enhance the overall impact of the essay.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "To begin with," "Furthermore," and "For instance," which help connect ideas and examples. These devices effectively guide the reader through the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices could be expanded to include more varied linking words and phrases, which would enhance the fluidity of the text.
- How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices by incorporating synonyms or alternative phrases that serve similar functions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "for instance," consider using "for example," "such as," or "to illustrate." Additionally, using transitional phrases like "on the other hand" or "consequently" can help clarify the relationships between contrasting ideas or cause-and-effect scenarios.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, meriting a Band Score of 8. By implementing the suggested improvements, the writer can further enhance the clarity and effectiveness of their argument.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary with terms like "inclined," "phenomenon," "criteria," and "emotional burden." The use of phrases such as "financial status," "social status," and "long-term goals" shows an ability to discuss complex ideas. However, there are instances of repetition, such as the frequent use of "owning a house" and "financial burden," which could be varied to enhance the richness of the vocabulary.
- How to improve: To improve, consider using synonyms or related phrases to avoid repetition. For example, instead of repeatedly saying "owning a house," you could use "homeownership" or "property ownership." Additionally, integrating more advanced vocabulary related to economic and social themes could elevate the essay further.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are moments of imprecision. For example, the phrase "may necessitate significant investment" could be more clearly articulated as "often requires substantial financial investment." The term "criteria" is also used in a slightly awkward context, as it typically refers to a set of standards rather than individual possessions.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, focus on context and collocation. For instance, instead of "criteria that reflect individuals’ social status," you could say "factors that reflect individuals’ social status." This would clarify the meaning and improve the overall flow of the essay.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a high level of spelling accuracy, with no noticeable errors. Words such as "accommodation," "consequences," and "financial" are all spelled correctly, which contributes positively to the overall impression of the writing.
- How to improve: While spelling is strong, it is always beneficial to continue practicing. Regularly reading high-quality texts and writing exercises can help reinforce correct spelling. Additionally, consider using spelling check tools during the writing process to catch any potential mistakes.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of lexical resource, achieving a band score of 7. To reach a higher band, focus on expanding vocabulary range, enhancing precision in word choice, and maintaining the high standard of spelling already achieved.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of phrases like "To begin with" and "Furthermore" effectively transitions between ideas, enhancing coherence. The sentence "This often results in different behaviors based on these possessions" showcases a complex structure that adds depth to the argument. However, there are instances where sentence structures could be more varied; for example, several sentences begin similarly, which can create a monotonous rhythm.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider varying the introductory phrases and using more subordinate clauses. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "This," try beginning with an adverbial clause or a different transitional phrase. Additionally, incorporating more varied punctuation, such as semicolons or dashes, can help create more complex sentences that enhance readability and engagement.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a high level of grammatical accuracy, with only a few minor errors. For instance, the phrase "I am of the opinion that this may have more negative consequences than benefits" is grammatically correct but could be more concise. The use of commas is mostly appropriate, but there are areas where additional commas could improve clarity, such as in the sentence "This can lead to the accumulation of debts and place a heavy financial burden on them, distracting the owners from their professional development."
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay attention to sentence conciseness and clarity. For example, consider rephrasing "I am of the opinion that" to "I believe" for a more direct expression. Additionally, review comma usage in longer sentences to ensure they aid in clarity rather than confuse the reader. Practicing with complex sentences and ensuring that clauses are correctly punctuated will also help improve overall grammatical precision.
In summary, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, achieving a Band Score of 7. By further diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision, the essay could reach an even higher level of proficiency.
Bài sửa mẫu
In numerous countries, residents are more inclined to own a home for themselves than to live in rented accommodation. Several factors contribute to this phenomenon, and I contend that this trend may bring more harm than good.
There are two primary reasons associated with this trend. To begin with, public perception is often influenced by the ownership of houses and material possessions, as these are indicators of individuals’ social status and wealth. This frequently leads to diverse behaviors based on these possessions. For example, in Vietnam and China, many parents emphasize the financial status of candidates to assess their suitability for marriage, which may result in rejection if the proposer cannot meet these financial demands. Therefore, owning a house can help people demonstrate their abilities and elevate their social status, gaining further respect from others. Furthermore, attaining these long-term objectives, such as owning a home, can foster a sense of accomplishment in the owners, empowering them to live with greater confidence and motivating them to achieve further success.
Personally, I regard this as a detrimental development. Owning a house often requires substantial investment, which can encourage individuals to take on large mortgages to afford it. This may result in the accumulation of debt and impose a significant financial burden on them, diverting the owners from their professional development. For instance, the former Starbucks CEO, Howard Schultz, would not have pursued his dream of building a global coffee chain if he had not stabilized his economic situation. Additionally, this may place a significant emotional burden on workers, as they have to work industriously to strive for their goals and pay off loans, posing risks to their health, including depression and anxiety.
In conclusion, there are several reasons for this trend, and I believe it is a negative phenomenon despite its advantages. It is advisable to consider owning a home necessary only when individuals are financially stable.