In many nations, people in huge cities either live alone or in small family units, instead of in large, extended family groups. Is this a positive or negative trend?
In many nations, people in huge cities either live alone or in small family units, instead of in large, extended family groups. Is this a positive or negative trend?
Some people nowadays decide to either live alone or in a nuclear family in many countries instead of extended family. I contend that this trend has positive influences on family bonds and the mental well-being of family members.
Living in a nuclear family can strengthen the relationship between family members. Nuclear families can promote more interactions and communication between family members compared to extended families, whose members are less likely to interact and share. This can facilitate deeper understanding and empathy for other members. For example, there will be more quality discussions where everyone can express their ideas, feelings and receive advice from others. For this reason, the model of nuclear family is often preferred for its promotion of family relationship.
Another worth mentioning merit of staying alone or living in a small family is the improvement of the mental well-being. People who live in extended family might suffer from conflicts due to the distinctive ideology and mindset of the previous and younger generations. Therefore, staying alone or living in nuclear families is an optimal choice since it can bridge the generation gap, and further minimise conflicts and arguments. Such decrease in conflicts leads to the stability of mental state. There will be less stress and fewer mental disorders compared to a large family. Therefore, staying alone or living in small families pose positive effects on one's mental health.
In conclusion, there is an increasing number of people who choose to live alone or in small families instead of living in an extended family. I personally believe that this trend fosters positive outcomes on family realtionship and the mental health of family members.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"Some people nowadays decide" -> "Many individuals currently choose"
Explanation: "Many individuals currently choose" is more formal and precise, avoiding the colloquial tone of "Some people nowadays." -
"in a nuclear family" -> "in nuclear families"
Explanation: The phrase "in a nuclear family" is grammatically incorrect as it implies a single instance. "In nuclear families" is grammatically correct and more appropriate for the plural context. -
"I contend that" -> "It is argued that"
Explanation: "It is argued that" is a more formal and academically appropriate way to introduce an opinion or argument in academic writing. -
"positive influences" -> "positive effects"
Explanation: "Effects" is more specific and appropriate in this context, referring to the outcomes or consequences of the trend, whereas "influences" could imply a more general impact. -
"can promote more interactions" -> "may facilitate more interaction"
Explanation: "May facilitate" is a more precise and formal way to express possibility and potential outcome in academic writing. -
"less likely to interact and share" -> "less inclined to interact and share"
Explanation: "Less inclined" is a more precise and formal expression than "less likely," which is somewhat vague and informal. -
"This can facilitate deeper understanding and empathy" -> "This may foster deeper understanding and empathy"
Explanation: "Foster" is a more precise verb than "facilitate" in this context, suggesting nurturing or development of understanding and empathy. -
"For this reason, the model of nuclear family is often preferred" -> "Therefore, the nuclear family model is frequently preferred"
Explanation: "Therefore" is a more formal transitional word than "For this reason," and "frequently" is more precise than "often" in academic writing. -
"Another worth mentioning merit" -> "Another notable merit"
Explanation: "Notable" is more formal and academically appropriate than "worth mentioning," which is somewhat colloquial. -
"staying alone or living in a small family" -> "living alone or in a small family"
Explanation: "Living alone or in a small family" is grammatically correct and clearer than "staying alone or living in a small family," which is awkward and redundant. -
"bridge the generation gap" -> "narrow the generational gap"
Explanation: "Narrow the generational gap" is a more precise and formal expression than "bridge the generation gap," which is somewhat idiomatic. -
"minimise conflicts and arguments" -> "reduce conflicts and disputes"
Explanation: "Reduce" and "disputes" are more formal and precise than "minimise" and "arguments," which can be seen as informal and vague. -
"Such decrease in conflicts leads to the stability of mental state" -> "Such a reduction in conflicts contributes to mental stability"
Explanation: "Contributes to mental stability" is a more formal and precise way to express the causal relationship between reduced conflicts and mental well-being. -
"pose positive effects on one’s mental health" -> "have positive effects on mental health"
Explanation: "Have positive effects" is grammatically correct and more formal than "pose positive effects," which is awkward and incorrect in this context. -
"family realtionship" -> "family relationships"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling error from "realtionship" to "relationships."
These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both living alone and in small family units as alternatives to extended families. The writer clearly states a position that this trend has positive influences, which is supported throughout the essay. The points made about family bonds and mental well-being directly relate to the question, demonstrating a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
- How to improve: To enhance the response further, the essay could benefit from a brief acknowledgment of potential negative aspects of living alone or in small families. This would provide a more balanced view and demonstrate critical engagement with the topic. Including a counterargument could strengthen the overall argument.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The position that living alone or in small families is beneficial is maintained consistently throughout the essay. The writer uses phrases like "I contend" and "I personally believe," which reinforce their stance. Each paragraph supports this position with relevant examples and reasoning.
- How to improve: While the position is clear, the essay could improve by reiterating the main argument in the conclusion more emphatically. A stronger concluding statement that summarizes the key points made in support of the position would enhance clarity and impact.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas well, particularly in discussing the benefits of nuclear families for communication and mental well-being. Specific examples, such as the reduction of conflicts and the promotion of quality discussions, effectively illustrate the points made. However, some ideas could be further developed, particularly the implications of improved mental health.
- How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the writer could include more empirical evidence or statistics related to mental health outcomes for those living in nuclear families versus extended families. Additionally, expanding on the concept of "quality discussions" with specific scenarios or outcomes could provide deeper insight.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, consistently addressing the implications of living alone or in small family units. The writer does not deviate from the main argument, ensuring that all content is relevant to the prompt.
- How to improve: To maintain focus even more effectively, the writer should ensure that all examples and explanations directly tie back to the central thesis. Occasionally, reiterating how each point connects to the overall argument can help reinforce the essay’s coherence and relevance.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and presents a well-structured argument. With slight adjustments in balance, depth of support, and emphasis on the main position, it could achieve an even higher score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the trend of living in nuclear families versus extended families. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, stating the writer’s position. Each paragraph focuses on a specific point: the first discusses the strengthening of family bonds, while the second addresses mental well-being. This logical organization helps the reader follow the argument easily. However, the transition between the two main points could be smoother; for instance, a linking sentence at the end of the first paragraph could better connect to the second paragraph’s theme.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider adding transitional phrases or sentences that explicitly connect the ideas between paragraphs. For example, after discussing the benefits of nuclear families on relationships, a sentence like "In addition to fostering stronger relationships, living in smaller family units can also significantly impact mental health" would create a clearer bridge to the next point.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into clear paragraphs, each addressing a distinct aspect of the argument. The first paragraph focuses on family relationships, while the second discusses mental well-being. This structure is effective and adheres to the conventions of academic writing. However, the conclusion could be more robust; it summarizes the main points but lacks a strong reiteration of the thesis or a call to action.
- How to improve: To strengthen the conclusion, consider restating the thesis in a more impactful way and summarizing the key points with a final thought that encourages further reflection. For instance, you could conclude with a statement about the broader implications of this trend on society or future family dynamics.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices effectively, such as "therefore," "for this reason," and "another worth mentioning merit." These devices help to clarify relationships between ideas and maintain the flow of the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices could be expanded. For example, the essay relies heavily on "therefore" and "for this reason," which can make the writing feel repetitive.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, you could use "in addition," "moreover," or "conversely" to introduce new points or contrast ideas. Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned concepts, which can enhance cohesion without repetitive phrasing.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, with clear organization and effective use of paragraphs and cohesive devices. By implementing the suggested improvements, the writer can further enhance the clarity and impact of their argument.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "nuclear family," "mental well-being," and "generation gap" effectively used to convey the main ideas. However, the vocabulary tends to be somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "living in a nuclear family" and "staying alone." The use of synonyms or varied expressions could enhance the richness of the language.
- How to improve: To improve lexical variety, consider incorporating synonyms or related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "nuclear family," you could use "immediate family" or "small family unit." Additionally, phrases like "mental well-being" could be diversified with terms such as "psychological health" or "emotional stability."
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary correctly, but there are instances where word choice could be more precise. For example, the phrase "the model of nuclear family is often preferred for its promotion of family relationship" could be clearer. The term "model" might be better replaced with "structure" or "arrangement" to more accurately describe the family setup.
- How to improve: Focus on selecting words that convey your ideas more accurately. For instance, instead of "promote more interactions," you might say "encourage closer interactions." This not only enhances clarity but also demonstrates a higher level of lexical sophistication.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, most notably "realtionship," which should be "relationship." Such mistakes can detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and may affect the reader’s perception of the writer’s language proficiency.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy. After completing your essay, take a moment to read it aloud or use digital tools that check spelling. Additionally, familiarizing yourself with commonly misspelled words can help reduce errors in your writing.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents clear arguments, improving lexical variety, precision, and spelling accuracy will help elevate the score in the Lexical Resource criterion.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of complex sentences like "People who live in extended family might suffer from conflicts due to the distinctive ideology and mindset of the previous and younger generations" showcases an ability to convey intricate ideas effectively. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the way ideas are introduced and developed, such as the frequent use of "Another worth mentioning merit" and "Therefore, staying alone or living in nuclear families." This can detract from the overall fluency and variety of the writing.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, consider varying the introductory phrases and using more transitional phrases to connect ideas. For example, instead of repeatedly using "Therefore," alternatives like "Consequently," "As a result," or "This leads to" can enhance the flow. Additionally, incorporating more relative clauses or participial phrases could add complexity and interest to the writing.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains good grammatical accuracy, with few errors. However, there are some noticeable issues, such as the phrase "the model of nuclear family is often preferred for its promotion of family relationship," where "relationship" should be pluralized to "relationships" to match the context. Additionally, punctuation is mostly correct, but there are instances where commas could enhance clarity, such as before "and receive advice from others" in the sentence "For example, there will be more quality discussions where everyone can express their ideas, feelings and receive advice from others." A comma before "and" in a list would improve readability.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread for common errors, particularly with subject-verb agreement and pluralization. Practicing sentence combining exercises can also help in recognizing when to use commas effectively. Furthermore, reviewing punctuation rules regarding lists and clauses will strengthen the overall clarity of the writing.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision. By focusing on these areas, the writer can aim for an even higher band score in future essays.
Bài sửa mẫu
Some individuals nowadays choose to either live alone or in nuclear families in many countries, rather than in large, extended family groups. I contend that this trend has positive effects on family relationships and the mental well-being of family members.
Living in a nuclear family can strengthen the bonds between family members. Nuclear families may facilitate more interaction and communication compared to extended families, whose members are less inclined to interact and share. This can foster deeper understanding and empathy among family members. For example, there will be more quality discussions where everyone can express their ideas and feelings, as well as receive advice from others. For this reason, the nuclear family model is frequently preferred for its promotion of strong family relationships.
Another notable merit of living alone or in a small family is the improvement of mental well-being. Individuals who reside in extended families might experience conflicts due to the differing ideologies and mindsets of older and younger generations. Therefore, living alone or in nuclear families is an optimal choice since it can narrow the generational gap and further reduce conflicts and disputes. Such a reduction in conflicts contributes to mental stability. There will be less stress and fewer mental disorders compared to a large family. Therefore, living alone or in small families has positive effects on one’s mental health.
In conclusion, there is an increasing number of people who choose to live alone or in small families instead of in extended family arrangements. I personally believe that this trend fosters positive outcomes for family relationships and the mental health of family members.