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In many parts of the world, children and teenagers are committing more crimes. Why is this happening? How should they be punished?

In many parts of the world, children and teenagers are committing more crimes.
Why is this happening? How should they be punished?

Adolescent misconduct is becoming increasingly prevalent in contemporary times.(B.I) This trend is primarily driven by poor parental involvement and the proliferation of the internet.(Para) Possible disciplinary measures can be implemented to address this issue include rehabilitation programs and compulsory community service.(TS)

Rationale for juvenile misconduct include lack of parental engagement and the widespread use of the internet(TS) Increased workload experienced by parents these days often leave them with limited time to provide sufficient support and guidance to their children. Without sufficient parental involvement, young individuals may struggle to achieve moral discernment, making them more susceptible to engaging in criminal activities.(Exp) Moreover, youth crime has further been exacerbated by the rise of the internet. The anonymity and perceived lack of consequences facilitate various forms of cybercrime, such as hacking, identity theft, online scams, and cyber bullying without fear of immediate retribution.(Ex)

Viable solutions to adolescent crime include the implementation of rehabilitation programs and compulsory community service.(TS) These programs often include counseling, therapy, educational opportunities, and vocational training, enabling young individuals to acquire the necessary tools to reintegrate into society successfully.(Exp) Mandatory unpaid work is another effective solution that can help deter adolescents from engaging in criminal behavior. By requiring young individuals to give back to(1) their communities, they may cultivate a sense of responsibility and accountability for their actions. Community work not only provides them with an opportunity to rectify their wrongdoings but also exposes them to positive role models and experiences that can help shape their values and moral compass. (Exp)

In conclusion, reasonable interpretations for increasing levels of youth crime include neglectful parenting styles and the widespread internet accessibility. However, it can be deterred by the implementation of rehabilitation initiatives and mandatory community work.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Adolescent misconduct is becoming increasingly prevalent in contemporary times." -> "Juvenile delinquency is on the rise in the present era."
    Explanation: Replacing "Adolescent misconduct" with "Juvenile delinquency" provides a more formal and precise term, aligning with academic language conventions.

  2. "This trend is primarily driven by poor parental involvement and the proliferation of the internet." -> "This phenomenon is primarily attributed to inadequate parental involvement and the pervasive influence of the internet."
    Explanation: Substituting "driven" with "attributed" and using "inadequate" instead of "poor" enhances the formality and precision of the sentence. "Proliferation" is replaced with "pervasive influence" for clarity and academic tone.

  3. "Possible disciplinary measures can be implemented to address this issue include rehabilitation programs and compulsory community service." -> "Potential disciplinary measures that can be implemented to address this issue include rehabilitation programs and mandatory community service."
    Explanation: The phrase "Possible disciplinary measures can be implemented" is refined for clarity and formality. The addition of "that" after "issue" improves the sentence structure.

  4. "Rationale for juvenile misconduct include lack of parental engagement and the widespread use of the internet." -> "Factors contributing to juvenile misconduct include a lack of parental engagement and the widespread use of the internet."
    Explanation: "Rationale" is replaced with "Factors contributing to" for a more academic and explanatory tone. The verb "include" is changed to "include" to maintain subject-verb agreement.

  5. "Increased workload experienced by parents these days often leave them with limited time to provide sufficient support and guidance to their children." -> "The increased workload experienced by parents in contemporary times often leaves them with limited time to provide sufficient support and guidance to their children."
    Explanation: The phrase is revised to ensure subject-verb agreement, and "these days" is replaced with "in contemporary times" for a more formal expression.

  6. "Without sufficient parental involvement, young individuals may struggle to achieve moral discernment, making them more susceptible to engaging in criminal activities." -> "Lack of adequate parental involvement may hinder young individuals from developing moral discernment, rendering them more susceptible to engaging in criminal activities."
    Explanation: The sentence is rephrased to enhance clarity and formality. "Struggle to achieve" is replaced with "hinder," and "making them" is replaced with "rendering them" for precision.

  7. "Moreover, youth crime has further been exacerbated by the rise of the internet." -> "Furthermore, youth crime has been exacerbated by the proliferation of the internet."
    Explanation: "Moreover" is replaced with "Furthermore" for variety and formality. "Further been" is simplified to "been," and "the rise of the internet" is refined to "the proliferation of the internet" for precision.

  8. "Mandatory unpaid work is another effective solution that can help deter adolescents from engaging in criminal behavior." -> "Compulsory unpaid work is another effective measure that can deter adolescents from engaging in criminal behavior."
    Explanation: "Mandatory" is used instead of "mandatory" for consistency and formality. "Solution" is replaced with "measure" for a more precise term.

  9. "By requiring young individuals to give back to(1) their communities, they may cultivate a sense of responsibility and accountability for their actions." -> "Requiring young individuals to contribute to their communities may cultivate a sense of responsibility and accountability for their actions."
    Explanation: The phrase is simplified for clarity, and the unnecessary "(1)" is removed.

  10. "reasonable interpretations for increasing levels of youth crime include neglectful parenting styles and the widespread internet accessibility." -> "Reasonable explanations for the increasing levels of youth crime include neglectful parenting styles and the widespread accessibility of the internet."
    Explanation: "Interpretations" is replaced with "explanations" for a more accurate term. "Reasonable" is retained for context, and the sentence is restructured for clarity.

Note: The essay has a few issues with clarity, and some changes involve restructuring sentences for better flow and coherence.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both aspects of the prompt—why children and teenagers are committing more crimes and how they should be punished. The discussion on the reasons behind juvenile misconduct, citing poor parental involvement and the influence of the internet, is well-articulated and supported by relevant examples. However, there could be a more explicit linkage between the causes and the suggested solutions to strengthen the overall coherence.

    • How to improve: To enhance the comprehensiveness of the answer, consider explicitly connecting the causes of juvenile misconduct to the proposed solutions. For instance, discuss how rehabilitation programs and community service directly address the identified issues of parental neglect and internet influence.

  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent and clear stance throughout, asserting that the rise in youth crime is attributed to poor parenting and the internet. The writer effectively conveys a stance on appropriate punishments as well, advocating for rehabilitation programs and mandatory community service.

    • How to improve: To further enhance clarity, explicitly state the essay’s position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. This will reinforce the consistency of the argument and make it more apparent to the reader.

  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The ideas in the essay are well-presented and supported. The causes of juvenile misconduct and the proposed solutions are adequately explained. Specific examples, such as the impact of parental neglect and the anonymity of the internet, are effectively used to illustrate key points.

    • How to improve: While the essay is generally well-supported, consider providing additional examples or evidence to bolster the argument. This can further strengthen the essay’s persuasiveness and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.

  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, discussing the reasons behind the increase in youth crime and suggesting appropriate punishments. There are no significant deviations from the main theme.

    • How to improve: To ensure continued relevance, avoid general statements that may not directly relate to the topic. Instead, provide more detailed explanations and examples to maintain a tight focus on the prompt.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt, effectively presenting and supporting ideas. To improve, consider reinforcing the link between causes and solutions, explicitly stating the position in the introduction and conclusion, providing additional examples, and ensuring detailed explanations to maintain focus and relevance.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably logical organization. The introduction provides a clear thesis statement that addresses the prompt, and subsequent paragraphs follow a coherent structure. The information flows logically from the reasons for adolescent misconduct to the proposed solutions.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider refining the transitions between paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph builds on the previous one, maintaining a smooth progression of ideas. Additionally, provide a concise roadmap of the essay in the introduction to guide the reader through the main points.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to present distinct ideas. Each paragraph has a clear topic sentence, supporting details, and a concluding sentence, contributing to overall coherence.
    • How to improve: To further improve paragraphing, pay attention to the balance of information within each paragraph. Ensure that ideas are developed fully without becoming too lengthy. Consider using more varied sentence structures to add dynamism to the paragraphs.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases (e.g., "Moreover," "In conclusion") and reference words (e.g., "these programs," "such as").
    • How to improve: While cohesive devices are used adequately, there is room for improvement in diversifying them. Introduce a wider array of linking words and phrases to create a smoother connection between ideas. Use cohesive devices not only at the beginning of paragraphs but also within sentences to reinforce the relationships between thoughts.

Overall, the essay exhibits a commendable coherence and cohesion, earning a band score of 7. To enhance the score, focus on refining the transitions between paragraphs, ensuring a balanced development of ideas within each paragraph, and introducing a more diverse range of cohesive devices.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to incorporate varied words, such as "proliferation," "discernment," and "exacerbated." However, the usage lacks consistency, and some ideas are expressed using repetitive language, limiting the overall variety.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, strive for more diversity in word choices. Instead of repeating terms like "youth crime" or "parental involvement," explore synonyms or rephrase sentences using alternative expressions. For instance, consider using terms like "adolescent delinquency" or "parental engagement" to avoid repetition.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage is generally acceptable. Certain terms, like "rehabilitation programs" and "compulsory community service," are appropriately employed. However, there are instances where more specific and precise language could be utilized to enhance clarity and depth of expression.
    • How to improve: Aim for precision by choosing words that convey your intended meaning with greater specificity. For example, instead of using the broad term "disciplinary measures," consider specifying the type of rehabilitation programs, such as "behavioral therapy" or "educational interventions." This will provide a clearer and more nuanced presentation of your ideas.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The spelling accuracy in the essay is generally good, with no major spelling errors detected. However, it’s essential to pay attention to minor errors, such as missing articles or prepositions, which, while not spelling mistakes per se, can affect the overall coherence of the writing.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, carefully proofread your essay, paying attention to small details like missing or misplaced articles (e.g., "a sense of responsibility") and prepositions (e.g., "give back to their communities"). Additionally, consider using tools like spell checkers to catch any overlooked errors.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of lexical resource, further improvement can be achieved by incorporating a more consistent and varied vocabulary, striving for precision in word choice, and paying meticulous attention to spelling and grammatical details.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. It predominantly uses simple and compound sentences, occasionally incorporating complex structures. For instance, in the introduction, the writer employs a complex sentence: "Adolescent misconduct is becoming increasingly prevalent in contemporary times." However, the essay lacks consistent variety, and there is a tendency to rely on basic structures.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex and compound-complex sentences throughout the essay. Use phrases and clauses to add depth and detail to your ideas. For example, instead of straightforward statements, experiment with constructions that involve dependent clauses or employ parallelism for rhetorical effect.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally accurate use of grammar and punctuation. However, there are some instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that may slightly hinder comprehension. For example, in the sentence "The anonymity and perceived lack of consequences facilitate various forms of cybercrime," the use of "facilitate" might be better replaced with "facilitates" for subject-verb agreement. Additionally, the phrase "reintegration into society successfully" could be refined for smoother expression.
    • How to improve: Regularly proofread your work to catch minor grammatical errors and refine sentence structures. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and ensure that verb tenses are consistent. In the case of awkward phrasing, consider rephrasing sentences for clarity and coherence. Utilize tools like grammar checkers to identify and correct grammatical errors. Additionally, seek feedback from peers or instructors to gain insights into areas of improvement.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and a reasonable range of sentence structures. To improve, focus on incorporating more varied sentence structures and refining grammar to enhance overall fluency and coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

Juvenile delinquency is on the rise in the present era. This phenomenon is primarily attributed to inadequate parental involvement and the pervasive influence of the internet. Potential disciplinary measures that can be implemented to address this issue include rehabilitation programs and mandatory community service.

Factors contributing to juvenile misconduct include a lack of parental engagement and the widespread use of the internet. The increased workload experienced by parents in contemporary times often leaves them with limited time to provide sufficient support and guidance to their children. Lack of adequate parental involvement may hinder young individuals from developing moral discernment, rendering them more susceptible to engaging in criminal activities.

Furthermore, youth crime has been exacerbated by the proliferation of the internet. Compulsory unpaid work is another effective measure that can deter adolescents from engaging in criminal behavior. Requiring young individuals to contribute to their communities may cultivate a sense of responsibility and accountability for their actions.

Reasonable explanations for the increasing levels of youth crime include neglectful parenting styles and the widespread accessibility of the internet. To counter this trend, implementing rehabilitation programs and making community service mandatory can play a crucial role in steering young individuals away from criminal behavior.

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