In many parts of the world, children’s lives were very different from today. What do you think were the advantages and disadvantages of life for children in the past?
In many parts of the world, children’s lives were very different from today. What do you think were the advantages and disadvantages of life for children in the past?
In today's generations, people's lives are very different and have changed a lot. That is a very different point from people's lives before. Especially for children. Children's life in the past had many pros and cons.
I think there were three benefits. Firstly, they could spend free time playing outside with other children who lived nearby. It helps children improve many things in their social abilities. Helps children become more confident when communicating in public, make new friends and at the same time gain more knowledge from them. Also, they could spend time helping their parents with housework and took care of their babysitters. Because before technology was not yet developed, there were no electronic devices or the internet, so children were not affected by the bad things it brought.
However, there were many drawback to this. Everyone knows that the internet provides us with countless useful things. This mean that children will not learn information that is useful and extremely valuable to them, that's a pretty big loss. Also the facilities were still poor, so going to school was still very difficult, which was a huge shortcoming. They will not have enough knowledge to survive or simply to use their minds in necessary things that require hard work.
All in all, although their previous life would have been very happy, with families together, in today's modern world everything has developed very well. If children have the opportunity to live, they will have many precious things such as knowledge. knowledge and foundation for children to develop.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"In today’s generations" -> "In contemporary generations"
Explanation: "In today’s generations" is awkward and informal. "In contemporary generations" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic writing. -
"people’s lives are very different and have changed a lot" -> "lives have undergone significant changes"
Explanation: The phrase "people’s lives are very different and have changed a lot" is overly simplistic and informal. "Lives have undergone significant changes" is more concise and academically appropriate. -
"That is a very different point from people’s lives before" -> "This is a stark contrast to lives in the past"
Explanation: "That is a very different point from people’s lives before" is verbose and informal. "This is a stark contrast to lives in the past" is more concise and formal. -
"Children’s life in the past had many pros and cons" -> "Children’s lives in the past presented both advantages and disadvantages"
Explanation: "Children’s life in the past had many pros and cons" uses informal language and is vague. "Children’s lives in the past presented both advantages and disadvantages" is more precise and formal. -
"Firstly, they could spend free time playing outside" -> "Firstly, they could engage in outdoor activities freely"
Explanation: "Spend free time playing outside" is informal and redundant. "Engage in outdoor activities freely" is more formal and avoids redundancy. -
"It helps children improve many things in their social abilities" -> "This enhances various aspects of their social skills"
Explanation: "It helps children improve many things in their social abilities" is awkward and vague. "This enhances various aspects of their social skills" is more precise and formal. -
"make new friends and at the same time gain more knowledge from them" -> "form new friendships and concurrently acquire knowledge from them"
Explanation: "Make new friends and at the same time gain more knowledge from them" is informal and slightly awkward. "Form new friendships and concurrently acquire knowledge from them" is more formal and flows better. -
"Also, they could spend time helping their parents with housework and took care of their babysitters" -> "Additionally, they could assist their parents with household chores and care for their babysitters"
Explanation: "Also, they could spend time helping their parents with housework and took care of their babysitters" contains a grammatical error ("took" should be "take") and is informal. "Additionally, they could assist their parents with household chores and care for their babysitters" corrects the grammar and elevates the formality. -
"Everyone knows that the internet provides us with countless useful things" -> "It is widely acknowledged that the internet offers numerous benefits"
Explanation: "Everyone knows that the internet provides us with countless useful things" is informal and conversational. "It is widely acknowledged that the internet offers numerous benefits" is more formal and academically appropriate. -
"This mean that children will not learn information that is useful and extremely valuable to them" -> "This means that children may not acquire information that is valuable to them"
Explanation: "This mean" is a grammatical error. "This means" corrects this. Also, "extremely valuable" is redundant with "useful," so "valuable" is sufficient. -
"that’s a pretty big loss" -> "which constitutes a significant loss"
Explanation: "That’s a pretty big loss" is informal and colloquial. "Which constitutes a significant loss" is more formal and precise. -
"going to school was still very difficult" -> "attending school was still challenging"
Explanation: "Going to school was still very difficult" is informal and slightly awkward. "Attending school was still challenging" is more formal and precise. -
"They will not have enough knowledge to survive or simply to use their minds in necessary things that require hard work" -> "They may lack the necessary knowledge to survive or effectively apply their skills in demanding situations"
Explanation: "They will not have enough knowledge to survive or simply to use their minds in necessary things that require hard work" is overly verbose and informal. "They may lack the necessary knowledge to survive or effectively apply their skills in demanding situations" is more concise and formal. -
"All in all, although their previous life would have been very happy" -> "In summary, despite the happiness of their previous lives"
Explanation: "All in all, although their previous life would have been very happy" is awkward and informal. "In summary, despite the happiness of their previous lives" is more formal and flows better. -
"with families together" -> "with family unity"
Explanation: "With families together" is informal and vague. "With family unity" is more precise and formal. -
"in today’s modern world everything has developed very well" -> "in today’s modern world, everything has progressed significantly"
Explanation: "In today’s modern world everything has developed very well" is informal and slightly awkward. "In today’s modern world, everything has progressed significantly" is more formal and precise. -
"If children have the opportunity to live" -> "If children are given the opportunity to live"
Explanation: "If children have the opportunity to live" is awkward and unclear. "If children are given the opportunity to live" clarifies the condition and is more formal. -
"they will have many precious things such as knowledge. knowledge and foundation for children to develop" -> "they will acquire numerous valuable assets, including knowledge and a foundation for development"
Explanation: "They will have many precious things such as knowledge. knowledge and foundation for children to develop" contains a grammatical error and is awkward. "They will acquire numerous valuable assets, including knowledge and a foundation for development" corrects the grammar and enhances formality.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both the advantages and disadvantages of children’s lives in the past, which is a key requirement of the prompt. The author identifies several benefits, such as improved social skills and the absence of negative influences from technology. However, the disadvantages are less clearly articulated. For instance, while the essay mentions poor facilities and lack of access to information, it could provide more specific examples or elaboration on how these factors impacted children’s lives.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that each part of the question is thoroughly explored. This could involve expanding on the disadvantages with specific examples or anecdotes that illustrate the challenges faced by children in the past. Additionally, providing a more balanced view by discussing the implications of both advantages and disadvantages in greater depth would strengthen the response.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a general position that life for children in the past had both pros and cons. However, the position could be clearer. The transition between discussing advantages and disadvantages lacks a strong connective narrative, which may confuse readers about the author’s ultimate stance on whether life was better or worse for children in the past.
- How to improve: The writer should explicitly state their overall position in the introduction and conclusion, reinforcing it throughout the essay. Using transitional phrases to guide the reader through the discussion of advantages and disadvantages can help maintain clarity. For example, after discussing the advantages, the author could use a phrase like "Conversely," to signal the shift to disadvantages.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to the advantages and disadvantages of past childhood experiences. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat limited. For instance, while the author mentions social skills and family time as benefits, these points could be further developed with examples or explanations of how they contribute to a child’s overall development. The disadvantages are similarly underexplored, lacking depth in their implications.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point with specific examples or evidence. For instance, discussing how playing outside fosters teamwork or problem-solving skills would provide a stronger foundation for the argument. Additionally, incorporating relevant statistics or historical context could enhance the credibility of the claims made.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the advantages and disadvantages of children’s lives in the past. However, there are moments where the relevance of certain statements is unclear. For example, the mention of technology’s negative impacts feels somewhat disconnected from the discussion of past experiences, as it shifts focus to the present without a clear link to how it relates to children’s lives in the past.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate to the prompt. This can be achieved by consistently tying back to the central theme of the advantages and disadvantages of past childhood experiences. Avoiding tangential discussions about modern technology unless directly comparing it to past experiences would help maintain relevance.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt and presents a balanced view, it can benefit from deeper exploration of ideas, clearer positioning, and tighter focus on the topic. By addressing these areas, the writer can enhance the overall effectiveness of their argument and potentially achieve a higher band score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing advantages and disadvantages, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the advantages of children’s lives in the past to the disadvantages is somewhat abrupt. The essay mentions the benefits of outdoor play and social interaction but does not clearly connect these points to the subsequent discussion on the drawbacks of limited access to technology and education.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases to guide the reader through the argument. For example, after discussing the benefits, a phrase like "On the other hand" could signal a shift to the disadvantages. Additionally, grouping similar ideas together and ensuring each paragraph has a clear topic sentence will help maintain a coherent flow.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the topic. However, the paragraphs could be more distinct in their structure. The first body paragraph discusses advantages but lacks a clear separation of ideas, making it feel somewhat cluttered. The second body paragraph on disadvantages also mixes several points without clear delineation.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. Follow this with supporting sentences that elaborate on the topic. For instance, the first paragraph could be split into two: one focusing on social benefits and another on the lack of technology. This will help clarify the argument and enhance readability.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "However," and "All in all," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and some transitions feel repetitive. For example, the use of "also" is frequent, which can make the writing feel monotonous.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "also," try "in addition," "furthermore," or "moreover." Additionally, using contrasting phrases like "in contrast" or "on the contrary" can enhance the discussion of advantages versus disadvantages, making the argument more dynamic and engaging.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, enhancing the logical flow, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will contribute to a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some attempt to use a variety of vocabulary, such as "pros and cons," "social abilities," and "electronic devices." However, the range is somewhat limited, with repetitive phrases like "children’s life" and "helping their parents" appearing multiple times. This indicates a reliance on familiar terms rather than exploring synonyms or more sophisticated vocabulary that could enhance the essay’s depth.
- How to improve: To improve lexical range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "children’s life," alternatives like "youth experiences" or "childhood" could be employed. Additionally, using phrases like "benefits and drawbacks" instead of "pros and cons" could elevate the language.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "took care of their babysitters" is unclear and likely intended to convey that children helped care for younger siblings or family members. Furthermore, the phrase "bad things it brought" is vague and lacks specificity regarding the negative impacts of technology.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should aim for clarity in their word choices. Instead of "bad things," more precise terms like "negative influences" or "detrimental effects" could be used. Additionally, clarifying the role of children in family dynamics would strengthen the argument. For example, saying "helped care for younger siblings" would provide a clearer picture.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "drawback" (should be "drawbacks") and "mean" (should be "means"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading practices. Utilizing tools like spell checkers or reading the essay aloud can help identify errors. Additionally, practicing commonly misspelled words and their correct forms can build confidence in spelling accuracy.
Overall, while the essay presents a clear argument and structure, enhancing the range and precision of vocabulary, along with improving spelling accuracy, will significantly elevate the lexical resource score.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. For example, the writer uses phrases like "Firstly, they could spend free time playing outside" and "Also, they could spend time helping their parents." However, the essay lacks more complex sentence structures that could enhance clarity and depth. For instance, the use of subordinate clauses is minimal, which limits the ability to convey nuanced ideas.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that combine independent and dependent clauses. For example, instead of saying "They could spend time helping their parents," the writer could say, "In addition to playing outside, children could also help their parents with household chores, which fostered a sense of responsibility." Practicing the use of relative clauses and conditional sentences will also add variety and sophistication to the writing.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For instance, "That is a very different point from people’s lives before" is awkwardly phrased and could be clearer. Additionally, the phrase "there were many drawback to this" should be corrected to "there were many drawbacks to this." Punctuation errors, such as missing commas, also appear, particularly in longer sentences where clauses are joined. For example, "Also, they could spend time helping their parents with housework and took care of their babysitters" should maintain parallel structure: "Also, they could spend time helping their parents with housework and taking care of their younger siblings."
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully proofread the essay to catch errors in verb forms and subject-verb agreement. Additionally, practicing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in compound sentences, will improve clarity. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can also help identify and correct mistakes before submission.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, improvements in sentence variety and grammatical accuracy are necessary to achieve a higher band score. Focusing on these areas will enhance the overall quality of the writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
In contemporary generations, people’s lives are very different and have undergone significant changes. This is a stark contrast to lives in the past, especially for children. Children’s lives in the past presented both advantages and disadvantages.
I think there were three benefits. Firstly, they could spend free time playing outside with other children who lived nearby. This enhances various aspects of their social skills, helping children become more confident when communicating in public, form new friendships, and concurrently acquire knowledge from them. Additionally, they could spend time helping their parents with household chores and care for their babysitters. Because technology was not yet developed, there were no electronic devices or the internet, so children were not affected by the negative things it brought.
However, there were many drawbacks to this. Everyone knows that the internet offers numerous benefits. This means that children may not acquire information that is valuable to them, which constitutes a significant loss. Also, the facilities were still poor, so attending school was still challenging, which was a huge shortcoming. They may lack the necessary knowledge to survive or effectively apply their skills in demanding situations.
In summary, despite the happiness of their previous lives, with family unity, in today’s modern world, everything has progressed significantly. If children are given the opportunity to live, they will acquire numerous valuable assets, including knowledge and a foundation for development.