In many parts of the world, some famous people are considered ‘role models’, and they are having an increasing influence on the young. Is this a positive or negative development?
In many parts of the world, some famous people are considered ‘role models', and they are having an increasing influence on the young.
Is this a positive or negative development?
Globally, well-known people are being viewed as inspiration figures by youngsters. While there may be some positive effects, from my personal standpoint, this trend poses more drawbacks than benefits.
Firstly, famous people will inspire for positive values. They can inspire the young generation through their achievements in various fields like arts, sports and science. For example, Christiano Ronaldo, who is a world-wide football star can be a ‘role model’ of dedication and discipline. In order to have a successful career as now, he has to be extremely hard-working and disciplined. Therefore, the influence of his story could create passion among youngsters.
Having said that, however, in my view, celebrities become ‘role models’, which will cause numerous negative impacts on the youth . To begin with, celebrities may promote unrealistic standards in various aspects, especially beauty. For instance, almost pop stars have gorgeous appearances that is considered to be beauty standards and may make young people think that they should be glamorous like their ‘role models’. As a result, they will be obsessed with these standards and not satisfied with themselves, which could lead to losing their confidence. Moreover, well-known figures are often wealthy, and they tend to have expensive items such as cutting-edge smartphones, cars or clothing, which may make young people have the wrong thought that success means having a lot of money. Consequently, the youth may prioritize external validation rather than genuine personal growth.
To conclude, this practice has both positive and negative influences on young individuals. Nonetheless, I hold I view that the latter outweigh the former.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"Globally, well-known people" -> "Internationally renowned individuals"
Explanation: "Internationally renowned individuals" is a more precise and formal term that better captures the intended meaning of "well-known people" in an academic context. -
"inspiration figures" -> "inspirational figures"
Explanation: "Inspirational figures" is a more commonly used and academically appropriate term that conveys the intended meaning of individuals who inspire others. -
"from my personal standpoint" -> "from my perspective"
Explanation: "From my perspective" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than "from my personal standpoint," which can sound overly casual. -
"will inspire for positive values" -> "serve as role models for positive values"
Explanation: "Serve as role models for positive values" is more specific and academically precise, clearly indicating the function of famous people in inspiring positive values. -
"extremely hard-working and disciplined" -> "extremely diligent and disciplined"
Explanation: "Diligent" is a more formal synonym for "hard-working," enhancing the academic tone of the sentence. -
"as now" -> "currently"
Explanation: "Currently" is more formal and precise than "as now," which is somewhat colloquial. -
"celebrities become ‘role models’" -> "celebrities serve as role models"
Explanation: "Serve as role models" is a more formal and direct expression than "become ‘role models’," which is awkwardly phrased. -
"which will cause numerous negative impacts" -> "which may have numerous negative impacts"
Explanation: Using "may have" instead of "will cause" introduces a more cautious and academically appropriate tone, acknowledging the potential rather than certainty of the impacts. -
"almost pop stars have gorgeous appearances" -> "many pop stars possess attractive appearances"
Explanation: "Possess attractive appearances" is more formal and avoids the colloquial "gorgeous," which is subjective and less suitable for academic writing. -
"is considered to be beauty standards" -> "are considered beauty standards"
Explanation: "Are considered beauty standards" corrects the grammatical error and maintains the plural form to match "pop stars." -
"not satisfied with themselves" -> "unsatisfied with their own appearance"
Explanation: "Unsatisfied with their own appearance" is more specific and formal, improving clarity and precision. -
"well-known figures are often wealthy" -> "celebrities are often affluent"
Explanation: "Affluent" is a more formal term than "wealthy," and "celebrities" is a more precise term than "well-known figures." -
"have the wrong thought" -> "hold the wrong perception"
Explanation: "Hold the wrong perception" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than "have the wrong thought." -
"the youth may prioritize external validation" -> "young people may prioritize external validation"
Explanation: "Young people" is a more formal and inclusive term than "the youth," which can be seen as somewhat informal and vague. -
"I hold I view" -> "I hold the view"
Explanation: Corrects a grammatical error, ensuring proper subject-verb agreement and maintaining the formal tone of the conclusion.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the positive and negative influences of famous people as role models for the youth. The introduction clearly states the author’s position that the negative impacts outweigh the positive. The first body paragraph presents a positive example (Cristiano Ronaldo) and acknowledges the potential for inspiration. The second body paragraph focuses on the negative consequences, such as unrealistic beauty standards and materialism. This balanced approach demonstrates a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the author could provide more specific examples of negative role models or elaborate on the positive influences with additional examples. Including more nuanced arguments or counterarguments would also strengthen the analysis and show a deeper engagement with the topic.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, asserting that the negative aspects of role models outweigh the positive. The use of phrases like "in my view" and "I hold the view that" reinforces the author’s stance. However, the transition between the positive and negative aspects could be smoother to maintain clarity.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, the author could use transitional phrases to guide the reader more effectively between the positive and negative points. For example, explicitly stating "While there are positive influences, the negative impacts are more significant" at the beginning of the second body paragraph would create a clearer contrast.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas well, particularly in the discussion of negative influences. The example of pop stars promoting unrealistic beauty standards is relevant and effectively illustrates the point. However, the positive example of Cristiano Ronaldo could be expanded with more detail about how his achievements inspire youth beyond just hard work and discipline.
- How to improve: To enhance the support for ideas, the author should aim to provide more depth in examples. For instance, discussing specific achievements of Ronaldo that exemplify dedication or citing statistics about youth inspired by positive role models could strengthen the argument. Additionally, incorporating research or studies on the impact of role models could provide more substantial support.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay stays on topic throughout, focusing on the influence of famous people as role models for the youth. Each paragraph relates back to the central question of whether this trend is positive or negative. There are no significant deviations from the topic, which contributes to the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: While the essay remains focused, the author should ensure that all points made directly relate to the prompt. Avoiding any vague statements or generalizations that do not directly support the thesis will help maintain a tight focus. For example, instead of saying "this practice has both positive and negative influences," the author could specify what "this practice" refers to, ensuring clarity and relevance.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. With some enhancements in examples and transitions, it could achieve an even higher level of clarity and depth.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the influence of famous people on the youth, distinguishing between positive and negative impacts. The introduction sets the stage effectively, stating the author’s position. The body paragraphs are organized to first discuss the positive aspects before transitioning to the negative ones. However, the transition between the positive and negative points could be smoother. For example, the phrase "Having said that, however," while attempting to signal a shift, feels somewhat abrupt and could be better integrated into the overall flow of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer transition phrases that guide the reader through the argument. For instance, after discussing the positive influences, a phrase like "Despite these benefits, there are significant drawbacks that warrant attention" could provide a more seamless transition. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea would help reinforce the logical structure.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids in readability. The first paragraph introduces the topic and the author’s stance, while the subsequent paragraphs delve into specific points. However, the second body paragraph could be further divided to enhance clarity. The discussion of unrealistic beauty standards and the association of wealth with success are both substantial points that could benefit from individual paragraphs.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, consider breaking the second body paragraph into two distinct paragraphs: one focusing on beauty standards and the other on the implications of wealth. This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each point and improve the overall coherence of the argument.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "To begin with," and "Moreover," which help to structure the argument. However, there is a noticeable reliance on a limited range of cohesive devices, which can make the writing feel somewhat repetitive. For instance, the use of "having said that" and "however" in close proximity can detract from the overall fluency.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For example, instead of repeating "however," alternatives such as "on the other hand," "in contrast," or "nevertheless" could be utilized. Additionally, using phrases that indicate cause and effect, such as "as a result" or "consequently," can enhance the logical connections between ideas.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion principles, there are areas for improvement in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the variety of cohesive devices used. By implementing the suggested strategies, the overall clarity and effectiveness of the argument can be significantly enhanced.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "inspiration figures," "dedication," and "unrealistic standards." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly with the use of "famous people" and "youngsters," which could be varied to enhance the overall lexical diversity. Additionally, phrases like "the young generation" and "the youth" are used interchangeably, but more synonyms could be introduced to avoid redundancy.
- How to improve: To improve lexical variety, consider using synonyms or related terms. For example, instead of repeating "famous people," you could use "celebrities," "public figures," or "notable personalities." Similarly, "youngsters" could be replaced with "youth," "adolescents," or "young individuals" in different parts of the essay.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains some precise vocabulary, such as "dedication" and "discipline," which effectively convey the intended meaning. However, there are instances of imprecise usage, such as "the wrong thought" which could be more accurately expressed as "misconception" or "misguided belief." Additionally, phrases like "the influence of his story could create passion" could be clearer; "inspire passion" would be a more direct and impactful choice.
- How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary that precisely conveys your intended meaning. For example, replace "the wrong thought" with "a misguided belief" to enhance clarity. Additionally, consider revising phrases for conciseness; for instance, "the influence of his story could create passion" could be improved to "his story can inspire passion."
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with only a few minor errors. The name "Christiano Ronaldo" is misspelled; it should be "Cristiano Ronaldo." Additionally, "almost pop stars" should be revised to "most pop stars" for clarity and correctness. These errors, while not numerous, detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy. After completing your essay, take a moment to read through it carefully, checking for any spelling errors or typos. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading your essay aloud can also help catch mistakes that may be overlooked during writing.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy will help elevate the Lexical Resource score.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of complex sentences is evident in phrases like "In order to have a successful career as now, he has to be extremely hard-working and disciplined." However, there are instances where the sentence structure could be more varied to enhance the flow and coherence of ideas. The essay primarily relies on straightforward declarative sentences, which can make the writing feel somewhat repetitive.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied sentence beginnings, such as starting with adverbial clauses (e.g., "Although many celebrities inspire young people, they can also set unrealistic standards.") or using passive voice where appropriate. Additionally, the use of conditional sentences could add depth (e.g., "If young people idolize celebrities, they may develop unrealistic expectations about success and beauty.").
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that affect clarity. For instance, the phrase "almost pop stars have gorgeous appearances that is considered to be beauty standards" contains a subject-verb agreement error; "is" should be "are" to match the plural subject "appearances." Furthermore, punctuation errors, such as the missing comma in "Christiano Ronaldo, who is a world-wide football star can be a ‘role model’ of dedication and discipline," can disrupt the flow of reading.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should review subject-verb agreement rules and ensure that plural subjects are matched with plural verbs. Additionally, practicing the correct use of commas in complex sentences will improve clarity. A good strategy is to read the essay aloud to identify areas where pauses are needed, which often indicates where punctuation may be missing. Furthermore, proofreading for common grammatical errors before submission can help catch mistakes that may have been overlooked.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
Globally, well-known individuals are increasingly viewed as inspirational figures by the younger generation. While there may be some positive effects, from my perspective, this trend poses more drawbacks than benefits.
Firstly, famous people can inspire positive values. They have the ability to motivate the youth through their achievements in various fields such as arts, sports, and science. For example, Cristiano Ronaldo, an internationally renowned football star, serves as a role model of dedication and discipline. To achieve the level of success he currently enjoys, he has had to be extremely diligent and disciplined. Therefore, the influence of his story could ignite passion among young people.
However, I believe that celebrities becoming ‘role models’ can lead to numerous negative impacts on the youth. To begin with, celebrities often promote unrealistic standards in various aspects, particularly in terms of beauty. For instance, many pop stars possess attractive appearances that are considered beauty standards, which may lead young people to think they should be glamorous like their role models. As a result, they may become obsessed with these standards and feel unsatisfied with their own appearance, potentially leading to a loss of confidence. Moreover, well-known figures are often affluent and tend to showcase expensive items such as cutting-edge smartphones, luxury cars, or designer clothing. This may cause young people to hold the wrong perception that success equates to having a lot of money. Consequently, the youth may prioritize external validation over genuine personal growth.
In conclusion, this phenomenon has both positive and negative influences on young individuals. Nonetheless, I hold the view that the negative impacts outweigh the positive ones.