in many parts of the world today there is a profitable market for products which lighten or whiten people’s skin. outline the reasons for using such products and discuss what effects they have in terms of health and society. give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
in many parts of the world today there is a profitable market for products which lighten or whiten people's skin.
outline the reasons for using such products and discuss what effects they have in terms of health and society.
give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
At the present time, there are many businesses selling products which make the skin of consumers lighten or whiten, and they make a ton of profit from those kinds of products. There are many reasons for it to be so popular.
The reason for these whitening products to be famous was because of the global beauty standard. Most people are attracted to those who have smooth, clean and white-skinned faces, especially when it comes to females. Therefore, to meet the need for beauty for women, these goods exist, and they have become extremely popular. For example, China, a densely populated country, has a beauty standard where the girls have to be skinny and importantly white skin. Moreover, it is believed that people would look younger and more charming when having a bright white skin, this is completely normal since we all want to have a good appearance.
As the products get wide spread, it would lead to certain effects. It is inevitable when more fake products would be made, only for businesses to make financial profit from them despite the laws and professional ethics. Counterfeit cosmetic products would likely use low quality ingredients that are harmful to skin to reduce the production cost and sell them with an unreasonable price. Because of that, consumers like us would bear all the consequences if we do not be careful when choosing skincare products. Furthermore, more people using whitening products would take the beauty standard to an extreme level if more and more people want and need to have white skin.
All in all, everyone wants to be beautiful, yet we should not be obsessed with having a white skin. I believe everyone has their own beauty, but do not fully oppose the idea of using whitening products, and we should be careful in choosing products we use to prevent negative impacts upon us.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"At the present time" -> "Currently"
Explanation: "Currently" is a more concise and formal alternative to "At the present time," which is slightly redundant and less commonly used in academic writing. -
"make the skin of consumers lighten or whiten" -> "cause consumers’ skin to lighten or whiten"
Explanation: "Cause" is more precise and formal than "make," and "consumers’ skin" is grammatically correct compared to "the skin of consumers." -
"a ton of profit" -> "substantial profits"
Explanation: "A ton of profit" is an informal idiom; "substantial profits" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing. -
"The reason for these whitening products to be famous was because of" -> "The reason for the popularity of these whitening products is due to"
Explanation: "The reason for the popularity of these whitening products is due to" corrects the awkward phrasing and uses a more formal structure. -
"Most people are attracted to those who have smooth, clean and white-skinned faces" -> "Many individuals are drawn to those with smooth, clean, and fair complexions"
Explanation: "Many individuals" and "fair complexions" are more precise and formal than "Most people" and "white-skinned faces," which can be seen as overly simplistic and colloquial. -
"especially when it comes to females" -> "particularly among women"
Explanation: "Particularly among women" is more specific and formal than "especially when it comes to females." -
"to meet the need for beauty for women" -> "to address the beauty needs of women"
Explanation: "To address the beauty needs of women" is more direct and formal than "to meet the need for beauty for women." -
"these goods exist" -> "these products exist"
Explanation: "Products" is more specific and appropriate in this context than "goods," which is too general. -
"extremely popular" -> "highly popular"
Explanation: "Highly popular" is a more formal alternative to "extremely popular," which can sound overly emphatic. -
"densely populated country" -> "densely populated nation"
Explanation: "Nation" is a more formal term than "country" in academic contexts. -
"have to be skinny and importantly white skin" -> "must be slender and have fair skin"
Explanation: "Must be slender and have fair skin" is more precise and less colloquial than "have to be skinny and importantly white skin." -
"it is believed that people would look younger and more charming when having a bright white skin" -> "it is believed that individuals appear younger and more attractive with fair skin"
Explanation: "Individuals appear younger and more attractive with fair skin" is more precise and avoids the colloquial "bright white skin." -
"this is completely normal" -> "this is a common phenomenon"
Explanation: "This is a common phenomenon" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than "this is completely normal." -
"we all want to have a good appearance" -> "everyone strives for a good appearance"
Explanation: "Everyone strives for a good appearance" is more formal and avoids the casual "we all." -
"do not be careful" -> "must be cautious"
Explanation: "Must be cautious" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing than "do not be careful." -
"negative impacts upon us" -> "adverse effects on us"
Explanation: "Adverse effects on us" is a more formal and precise term than "negative impacts upon us."
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt by outlining reasons for the popularity of skin whitening products and discussing their effects on health and society. The reasons provided, such as societal beauty standards and the desire for youthfulness, are relevant and well-articulated. However, the discussion of effects could be more comprehensive; while it mentions counterfeit products and their harmful ingredients, it lacks depth in exploring broader societal implications, such as the psychological impact on individuals or the perpetuation of beauty standards.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay could include more detailed examples of societal effects, such as the pressure on individuals to conform to beauty standards and the potential mental health issues arising from this pressure. Additionally, discussing the role of media and advertising in shaping these standards could provide a more rounded analysis.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat clear position, acknowledging the desire for beauty while cautioning against an obsession with skin whitening. However, the position could be more consistently articulated throughout the essay. For instance, the conclusion introduces a belief in individual beauty but does not strongly tie back to the discussion of societal pressures and health effects.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should consistently link back to the main argument throughout the essay. This could be achieved by reiterating the importance of self-acceptance and the dangers of societal pressures in each paragraph, ensuring that the stance is evident in both the body and conclusion.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the influence of beauty standards and the risks associated with counterfeit products. However, the development of these ideas is somewhat limited. For example, while the essay mentions that counterfeit products can be harmful, it does not provide specific examples or statistics to support this claim, which would strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to include specific examples, data, or studies that illustrate the points being made. For instance, citing research on the health risks associated with certain ingredients in skin whitening products could provide a stronger foundation for the claims made.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the reasons for the popularity of skin whitening products and their effects. However, there are moments where the focus shifts slightly, particularly in the concluding remarks, which could be interpreted as a diversion from the main discussion about societal and health effects.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate back to the prompt. The conclusion could be strengthened by summarizing the key points discussed in the body paragraphs rather than introducing new ideas about individual beauty, thus reinforcing the main argument and ensuring that the essay remains cohesive.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, there is room for improvement in depth, clarity, and coherence. By expanding on the effects of skin whitening products, maintaining a consistent position, providing more supporting evidence, and staying focused on the topic, the writer can enhance the overall quality of the essay.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the reasons for the popularity of skin whitening products. The first body paragraph effectively discusses societal beauty standards as a driving force behind the demand for these products. The second body paragraph transitions into the effects of these products on health and society, which is relevant to the prompt. However, the logical flow could be improved; for instance, the connection between the popularity of these products and the emergence of counterfeit goods could be more explicitly stated. The conclusion summarizes the main points but could reinforce the argument more strongly.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that directly relate to the main argument. Additionally, linking phrases such as "Furthermore," "In addition," or "Consequently" can help clarify relationships between ideas and improve the overall flow of the essay.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the topic. The introduction sets the stage, while the body paragraphs delve into specific reasons and effects. However, the paragraphs could be more balanced in length and depth; for instance, the first body paragraph is longer and more detailed than the second, which may lead to an imbalance in the discussion.
- How to improve: Aim for more uniformity in paragraph length and depth. Each paragraph should ideally contain a similar amount of information and analysis. Consider expanding the second body paragraph with more examples or details about the health implications of using whitening products, which would provide a more comprehensive view of the topic.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Moreover" and "Furthermore," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where transitions between sentences and ideas could be smoother. For example, the transition from discussing beauty standards to the effects of whitening products could benefit from a more explicit connection.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "On the other hand," "In contrast," or "As a result." Additionally, using pronouns to refer back to previously mentioned ideas can enhance cohesion. For instance, when discussing the consequences of counterfeit products, explicitly refer back to the "whitening products" mentioned earlier to create a clearer connection.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, improvements in logical organization, paragraph balance, and the variety of cohesive devices will elevate the overall coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary related to the topic of skin whitening products. Terms such as "businesses," "beauty standard," "counterfeit," and "harmful" are appropriately used. However, the vocabulary could be more varied and sophisticated. For instance, phrases like "make the skin of consumers lighten or whiten" could be expressed more succinctly as "whiten consumers’ skin." Additionally, the phrase "make a ton of profit" is informal and could be replaced with "generate significant profits" for a more academic tone.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more complex phrases. For example, instead of repeating "whitening products," they could use "skin lightening agents" or "cosmetic whiteners." Engaging with a thesaurus or vocabulary-building exercises focused on academic writing could also be beneficial.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: Some vocabulary choices in the essay lack precision. For example, the phrase "the girls have to be skinny and importantly white skin" is awkward and imprecise; it could be more clearly stated as "girls are often expected to be slim and have fair skin." Additionally, the term "fake products" is vague; more specific terminology like "substandard" or "illegitimate" would convey a clearer meaning.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using words that accurately convey their intended meaning. They can practice by writing sentences using new vocabulary in context, ensuring that each word fits the overall message of the sentence. Reading academic articles on related topics can also provide insights into more precise language use.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "wide spread" (should be "widespread") and "unreasonable price" (should be "unreasonably priced"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse readers.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can be an effective strategy for improvement.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and a reasonable command of vocabulary, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy will help elevate the Lexical Resource score. Engaging in targeted vocabulary exercises, refining word choice, and implementing thorough proofreading practices will be beneficial steps for the writer.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the sentence "There are many reasons for it to be so popular" is a straightforward structure, while "it is inevitable when more fake products would be made, only for businesses to make financial profit from them despite the laws and professional ethics" showcases a more complex structure. However, the essay could benefit from more varied sentence openings and transitions to enhance flow and coherence.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more introductory phrases or clauses, such as "In addition to the beauty standards," or "Despite the potential health risks," to create more complex sentences. Additionally, varying the use of conjunctions and relative clauses can help in achieving greater complexity. Practicing sentence combining exercises could also aid in this area.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and issues with punctuation that detract from its overall clarity. For example, the phrase "the skin of consumers lighten or whiten" should be "the skin of consumers to lighten or whiten," indicating a missing infinitive form. Additionally, the sentence "it is believed that people would look younger and more charming when having a bright white skin" contains awkward phrasing; "bright white skin" should be "bright, white skin" for clarity. Furthermore, there are instances of incorrect verb forms, such as "would lead" instead of "will lead," which may confuse the reader regarding the intended meaning.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should review subject-verb agreement and verb tenses, ensuring they are consistent and correctly used throughout the essay. Regular practice with grammar exercises focusing on common errors, such as verb forms and sentence structure, can be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading the essay for punctuation errors, particularly around clauses and lists, would help in improving clarity and readability.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will enhance the overall quality of the writing. Regular practice and revision can lead to significant improvements in these areas.
Bài sửa mẫu
At the present time, there is a highly profitable market for products that cause consumers’ skin to lighten or whiten, generating substantial profits for businesses. There are several reasons for the popularity of these whitening products.
The reason for the popularity of these whitening products is due to the global beauty standard. Many individuals are drawn to those with smooth, clean, and fair complexions, particularly among women. Therefore, to address the beauty needs of women, these products exist and have become highly popular. For example, in China, a densely populated nation, the beauty standard dictates that girls must be slender and have fair skin. Moreover, it is believed that individuals appear younger and more attractive with fair skin, which is a common phenomenon since everyone strives for a good appearance.
As these products become more widespread, they can lead to certain adverse effects. It is inevitable that more counterfeit products will be produced, as businesses seek to maximize financial profits, often disregarding laws and professional ethics. Counterfeit cosmetic products are likely to use low-quality ingredients that can be harmful to the skin, all to reduce production costs while selling them at unreasonable prices. Because of this, consumers must be cautious when selecting skincare products, as they may bear the consequences of poor choices. Furthermore, the increasing use of whitening products could push beauty standards to an extreme level, as more individuals feel the need to conform to the ideal of having white skin.
In conclusion, while everyone desires to be beautiful, we should not become overly obsessed with having fair skin. I believe that everyone has their own unique beauty, and while I do not fully oppose the idea of using whitening products, we must be careful in choosing the products we use to prevent negative impacts on our health and society.
