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In many parts of the world today there is a profitable market for products which lighten or whiten people’s skin.

In many parts of the world today there is a profitable market for products which lighten or whiten people’s skin.

Recently, there is a successful market for skin whitening products which provide huge profits for companies. This is because of the beauty trend and media power. Certainly, this tendency also has adverse effects on individuals and society

There are some reasons why whitening cosmetic products are more and more popular. The first one is that many women and young girls pay much attention to their external appearance, especially skin health. For instance, in Korea beauty brands have high coverage with skin whitening creams because Asian women tend to regard bright skin as a beauty standard. Therefore, these cosmetics can bring a very profitable market to beauty enterprises.In addition, the development of marketing strategies and social media . In particular, many companies often hire celebrities with skin and flawless membrane to show the outstanding functions of their products. This is the effective way for them to attract consumers and make great profits from their whitening creams.

On the other hand, these skin lightening products can have some impacts on people's health and society.Firstly, when skin creams invade the cosmetic market , consumers may waste a lot of money on low- quality products which are useless for lightening purposes and cause some skin problems through bad ingredients. Also, this is the main cause making consumers lose their trust in beauty brands. Secondly, if the popularity of whitening products increases, the standard of beauty will be stricter. Moreover, when bright skin is considered as a beauty norm, some women having black skin or swarthy skin may feel unconfident and suffer from depression or stress. Seriously, there can exist skin discrimination among individuals around the world.

To sum up , there are many reasons why people tend to use lightening products to improve their skin including: beauty norm and media.However, many kinds of skin whitening cream can lead to some unhealthy problems to their skin and some social problems.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Recently, there is a successful market" -> "Recently, there has been a thriving market"
    Explanation: Replacing "there is" with "there has been" provides a more formal and precise expression of the current state of the market.

  2. "which provide huge profits for companies" -> "yielding substantial profits for companies"
    Explanation: Substituting "provide" with "yielding" and replacing "huge" with "substantial" enhances the sophistication of the language and aligns with academic style.

  3. "because of the beauty trend and media power" -> "due to prevailing beauty trends and media influence"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence by replacing "because of" with "due to" and using "prevailing beauty trends" instead of "beauty trend" contributes to a more formal and academically appropriate tone.

  4. "Certainly, this tendency" -> "Undoubtedly, this trend"
    Explanation: Replacing "Certainly" with "Undoubtedly" adds formality, and changing "tendency" to "trend" maintains conciseness while preserving the intended meaning.

  5. "whitening cosmetic products are more and more popular" -> "skin whitening cosmetic products are increasingly popular"
    Explanation: The adjustment from "more and more" to "increasingly" and the inclusion of "skin" before "whitening cosmetic products" improve the precision and formality of the sentence.

  6. "many women and young girls" -> "numerous women and adolescent girls"
    Explanation: Substituting "many" with "numerous" and using "adolescent" instead of "young" contributes to a more sophisticated and formal expression.

  7. "pay much attention to their external appearance" -> "devote considerable attention to their outward appearance"
    Explanation: Replacing "pay much attention to" with "devote considerable attention to" elevates the level of formality and precision.

  8. "For instance, in Korea beauty brands have high coverage" -> "For example, beauty brands in Korea enjoy extensive coverage"
    Explanation: The phrase "For instance" is replaced with "For example" for formality, and "have high coverage" is refined to "enjoy extensive coverage" for better clarity and precision.

  9. "membrane" -> "complexion"
    Explanation: Replacing "membrane" with "complexion" is a more appropriate and precise term for describing skin in the context of beauty products.

  10. "the development of marketing strategies and social media" -> "advancements in marketing strategies and the prevalence of social media"
    Explanation: Substituting "the development of" with "advancements in" and rephrasing "social media" to "the prevalence of social media" adds formality and precision to the sentence.

  11. "celebrities with skin and flawless membrane" -> "celebrities with flawless skin"
    Explanation: Simplifying "skin and flawless membrane" to "flawless skin" maintains clarity while avoiding redundancy.

  12. "consumers may waste a lot of money" -> "consumers may expend significant financial resources"
    Explanation: Replacing "waste a lot of money" with "expend significant financial resources" provides a more formal and precise expression.

  13. "useless for lightening purposes" -> "ineffective for skin lightening"
    Explanation: Substituting "useless for" with "ineffective for" improves precision and maintains a formal tone.

  14. "cause some skin problems through bad ingredients" -> "result in skin issues due to harmful ingredients"
    Explanation: Replacing "cause some" with "result in" and rephrasing "skin problems through bad ingredients" to "skin issues due to harmful ingredients" enhances formality and clarity.

  15. "the main cause making consumers lose their trust" -> "a primary factor leading consumers to lose trust"
    Explanation: Replacing "the main cause making" with "a primary factor leading" improves the structure and formality of the sentence.

  16. "the standard of beauty will be stricter" -> "the beauty standard will become more stringent"
    Explanation: Substituting "stricter" with "more stringent" enhances the precision of the language and aligns with academic style.

  17. "swarthy skin" -> "darker skin"
    Explanation: Using "darker skin" instead of "swarthy skin" is a more neutral and widely accepted term.

  18. "may feel unconfident" -> "may experience a lack of confidence"
    Explanation: Replacing "may feel unconfident" with "may experience a lack of confidence" provides a more formal and nuanced expression.

  19. "Seriously, there can exist skin discrimination" -> "Significantly, skin discrimination may occur"
    Explanation: Replacing "Seriously, there can exist" with "Significantly, may occur" adds formality and clarity to the statement.

  20. "many kinds of skin whitening cream" -> "various types of skin whitening creams"
    Explanation: Changing "many kinds of" to "various types of" improves precision and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: "Recently, there is a successful market for skin whitening products which provide huge profits for companies. This is because of the beauty trend and media power. Certainly, this tendency also has adverse effects on individuals and society."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction lacks clarity in presenting your position on the topic. It is crucial to clearly state your stance in the introduction, setting the tone for the entire essay. To enhance clarity, explicitly mention whether you support or oppose the use of skin whitening products and briefly outline the main reasons supporting your position.
    • Improved example: "In recent times, a burgeoning market for skin whitening products has become a lucrative venture for companies. This phenomenon is largely driven by prevailing beauty trends and the influential power of the media. While some perceive these products as a positive influence, others argue that their usage has detrimental effects on individuals and society. In this essay, I will explore both perspectives and argue for/against the widespread use of skin whitening products."
  2. Quoted text: "There are some reasons why whitening cosmetic products are more and more popular. The first one is that many women and young girls pay much attention to their external appearance, especially skin health. For instance, in Korea beauty brands have high coverage with skin whitening creams because Asian women tend to regard bright skin as a beauty standard. Therefore, these cosmetics can bring a very profitable market to beauty enterprises. In addition, the development of marketing strategies and social media . In particular, many companies often hire celebrities with skin and flawless membrane to show the outstanding functions of their products. This is the effective way for them to attract consumers and make great profits from their whitening creams."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: While you address the reasons behind the popularity of skin whitening products, the development is somewhat fragmented. You tend to overgeneralize and lack a clear focus on supporting ideas. Provide more specific and well-developed examples to bolster your argument. Additionally, elaborate on the adverse effects briefly mentioned in the introduction, ensuring a balanced exploration of the topic.
    • Improved example: "One primary reason for the increasing popularity of skin whitening products is the societal emphasis on external appearance, particularly skin health. For instance, in countries like Korea, beauty brands capitalize on the cultural preference for bright skin, turning skin whitening creams into a profitable market. Marketing strategies, especially through social media and celebrity endorsements, play a pivotal role in amplifying the allure of these products. However, it is crucial to delve beyond the profit perspective and examine the potential health and societal impacts, as discussed later in this essay."
  3. Quoted text: "On the other hand, these skin lightening products can have some impacts on people’s health and society.Firstly, when skin creams invade the cosmetic market, consumers may waste a lot of money on low-quality products which are useless for lightening purposes and cause some skin problems through bad ingredients. Also, this is the main cause making consumers lose their trust in beauty brands. Secondly, if the popularity of whitening products increases, the standard of beauty will be stricter. Moreover, when bright skin is considered as a beauty norm, some women having black skin or swarthy skin may feel unconfident and suffer from depression or stress. Seriously, there can exist skin discrimination among individuals around the world."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your points on the adverse effects of skin whitening products are valid, but the development of these ideas is somewhat unclear. Provide more specific examples and elaborate on how these impacts manifest in society. Also, ensure a smooth transition between ideas to enhance coherence.
    • Improved example: "However, the surge in the use of skin whitening products raises concerns about potential health issues and societal consequences. Firstly, as these products flood the market, consumers may inadvertently invest in low-quality products, wasting money on ineffective solutions that may even harm their skin due to substandard ingredients. Such instances erode consumer trust in beauty brands, which is detrimental to the industry’s reputation. Secondly, the increasing popularity of whitening products contributes to a heightened standard of beauty, potentially leading to societal issues such as skin discrimination. This, in turn, may cause psychological distress for individuals with darker skin tones, fostering feelings of inadequacy, depression, or stress."

Overall, the essay presents a balanced view on the topic, but there is room for improvement in clarity, idea development, and coherence. Providing specific examples and ensuring a clear structure will enhance the overall persuasiveness of your argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates overall coherence and cohesion, with information organized in a reasonably clear manner. The introduction sets the stage by introducing the topic and expressing a clear opinion. The body paragraphs present reasons and examples to support the argument. Transition words are used to connect ideas, providing a logical flow. However, there are instances of faulty cohesion within and between sentences, and paragraphing is not always logical.

How to improve:

  1. Cohesion Within Sentences: While the essay generally uses cohesive devices, there are instances where the connection between sentences is not seamless. Pay attention to maintaining clarity in the relationship between ideas within sentences.

  2. Paragraphing: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic. Some paragraphs lack a smooth transition between ideas, impacting overall coherence. Aim for a more logical arrangement of information within paragraphs.

  3. Referencing and Substitution: The essay occasionally lacks clear referencing and substitution, leading to some repetitive language. Work on using a variety of cohesive devices appropriately to avoid redundancy.

  4. Introduction and Conclusion: The essay lacks a distinct conclusion summarizing the main points. Consider strengthening the conclusion to restate the thesis and provide a concise summary of the key arguments.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score by enhancing the overall coherence and cohesion of the response.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision. There is evidence of the use of less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation. The essay communicates ideas effectively, and the vocabulary used is generally appropriate for the task. However, there are occasional errors in word choice and collocation, such as "membrane" instead of "complexion" and the use of "norm" instead of "norms." The essay also contains some instances of repetitive language, like "beauty norm and media" mentioned in the concluding paragraph.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource and aim for a higher band score, the writer should focus on diversifying vocabulary further. Instead of relying on repeated phrases, explore synonyms and alternative expressions to convey ideas. Additionally, careful proofreading is necessary to identify and rectify minor errors in word choice and collocation. For instance, replacing "membrane" with "complexion" would improve precision. Paying attention to nuances and refining the use of less common lexical items will contribute to achieving a more polished lexical range.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures and attempts complex forms. There is an evident effort to use a range of vocabulary and structures, showcasing a decent level of control over grammar and punctuation. Most sentences are error-free, contributing to clear communication. However, there are occasional errors and inaccuracies that don’t significantly hinder comprehension but can be refined for higher precision.

How to improve: To improve, focus on refining complex sentence structures for greater accuracy and precision. Review the use of articles (‘the’, ‘a’, ‘an’) and verb tenses to ensure consistency throughout the essay. Additionally, aim to elevate vocabulary choices and use more diverse connectors to enhance cohesion between ideas. Practicing more complex sentence structures and paying attention to minor grammatical errors will further enhance the overall quality of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

Recently, there has been a thriving market for skin-whitening products that yield substantial profits for companies. This surge in demand is attributed to beauty trends and the influential role of the media. However, it is crucial to recognize that this trend also carries adverse effects on individuals and society.

The increasing popularity of whitening cosmetic products can be attributed to several factors. Primarily, a significant number of women and young girls place great emphasis on their outward appearance, particularly skin health. For instance, in Korea, beauty brands extensively offer skin whitening creams because Asian women often perceive fair skin as the epitome of beauty. Consequently, these cosmetics become lucrative for beauty enterprises. Additionally, effective marketing strategies and the pervasive influence of social media contribute significantly to this trend. Companies frequently enlist celebrities with flawless skin to showcase the remarkable efficacy of their products, a strategy that effectively attracts consumers and generates substantial profits from their whitening creams.

Nevertheless, the use of skin-lightening products can have notable impacts on both individual health and society. Firstly, with the inundation of skin creams in the cosmetic market, consumers might squander significant amounts of money on low-quality products that prove ineffective for lightening purposes and may even cause skin problems due to harmful ingredients. This, in turn, erodes consumer trust in beauty brands. Secondly, as the popularity of whitening products grows, the societal standard of beauty becomes more stringent. Consequently, individuals with darker skin tones may experience a decline in confidence and endure feelings of depression or stress when their skin does not align with the prevailing beauty norm. In essence, this can foster skin discrimination on a global scale.

In conclusion, the preference for skin-lightening products is fueled by factors such as beauty standards and media influence. Nevertheless, the use of various whitening creams may lead to both skin-related health issues and societal problems. It is imperative to weigh the desire for fairer skin against the potential repercussions on both an individual and societal level.

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