In most countries, prison is an effective solution for the problem of crime. Some people think a more effective solution is to provide a better education. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

While prison is a common way to solve the problem of crime in many countries, education is believed to serve as a more effective one. From my personal perspective, this opinion is completely convincing due to several reasons.

First and foremost, it is vital to acknowledge the downsides of prisons. To begin with, imprisonment could create obstacles for the rehabilitation of ex-criminals. This is mainly because a criminal record, in addition to their lack of skills and knowledge required in contemporary labour market, might make finding a job more difficult. Consequently, many of them may not be able to cover living expenses, leading to their re-offending, exacerbating this issue by increasing the rate of criminal acts. Moreover, that jails need a huge budget to operate can divert fundings from many alert problems. To illustrate this point, according to Los Angeles Times, keeping a prisoner annually costs over 75,000 USD, more expensive than the annual tuition fee of a student in Havard University. Thus, should this allocation on jails be partly shifted towards other urgent issues, governments can provide better welfare and unemployment support, eliminating purpose for offending from an early stage.

Therefore, I am of the opinion that education could help more in dealing with this problem. Firstly, it can equip people with not only fundamental but also specific competence and attainment. By learning and practicing, they might achieve good qualifications, which may bring them a prospective career and secure them with a stable life. As a result, this could not lead to any illegal actions, boosting community safety. Secondly, schooling can deter the intention of committing a crime in its infancy. The reason for this is that learners could be taught about law, including the consequences of their offense against regulations and imposed punishments. Subsequently, it could prevent desire to participate in illegal activities, lowering the crime levels.

In conclusion, education could be a much more useful approach compared to imprisonment, as it provides more positive impacts. Additionally, individuals and governments need to join force to tackle this issue to achieve the best result.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"While prison is a common way to solve the problem of crime" -> "Prison is a common method for addressing the issue of crime"
Explanation: Replacing "solve the problem of" with "addressing the issue of" refines the language to be more formal and precise, aligning better with academic style.
"this opinion is completely convincing" -> "this perspective is highly persuasive"
Explanation: "Highly persuasive" is more academically appropriate than "completely convincing," which can sound overly emotional and informal.
"due to several reasons" -> "due to several reasons"
Explanation: This is a minor correction to ensure parallel structure and maintain the formal tone.
"it is vital to acknowledge the downsides of prisons" -> "it is essential to acknowledge the drawbacks of imprisonment"
Explanation: "Drawbacks" is a more precise term than "downsides," and "imprisonment" is more specific than "prisons," enhancing the academic tone.
"imprisonment could create obstacles" -> "imprisonment may pose challenges"
Explanation: "May pose challenges" is a more formal and cautious expression than "could create obstacles," which is slightly informal.
"a criminal record, in addition to their lack of skills and knowledge required in contemporary labour market" -> "a criminal record, combined with their lack of skills and knowledge relevant to the contemporary labor market"
Explanation: "Combined with" is more precise than "in addition to," and "relevant to" is more formal than "required in."
"might make finding a job more difficult" -> "may complicate job prospects"
Explanation: "May complicate job prospects" is a more formal and concise way to express the difficulty in finding employment.
"divert fundings from many alert problems" -> "divert funds from numerous pressing issues"
Explanation: "Funds" should be singular, and "pressing issues" is more formal than "alert problems," which is vague and informal.
"keeping a prisoner annually costs over 75,000 USD" -> "the annual cost of maintaining a prisoner exceeds 75,000 USD"
Explanation: "The annual cost of maintaining a prisoner" is more precise and formal than "keeping a prisoner annually costs."
"should this allocation on jails be partly shifted towards other urgent issues" -> "should a portion of the allocation for jails be redirected to address other pressing issues"
Explanation: "Redirected to address" is more specific and formal than "partly shifted towards," and "pressing issues" is more appropriate than "urgent issues" in this context.
"eliminating purpose for offending from an early stage" -> "preventing the motivation for offending from an early stage"
Explanation: "Preventing the motivation" is more precise and formal than "eliminating purpose," which is vague and less appropriate in this context.
"it can equip people with not only fundamental but also specific competence and attainment" -> "it can provide individuals with both fundamental and specialized competence and qualifications"
Explanation: "Provide individuals with both fundamental and specialized competence and qualifications" is more precise and formal, improving clarity and appropriateness for academic writing.
"boosting community safety" -> "enhancing community safety"
Explanation: "Enhancing" is a more formal synonym for "boosting," aligning better with academic style.
"learners could be taught about law" -> "students can be educated about the law"
Explanation: "Students can be educated about the law" is more formal and precise than "learners could be taught about law."
"it could prevent desire to participate in illegal activities" -> "it could deter individuals from engaging in illegal activities"
Explanation: "Deter individuals from engaging in" is more formal and precise than "prevent desire to participate in," which is awkward and informal.
"lowering the crime levels" -> "reducing crime rates"
Explanation: "Reducing crime rates" is a more specific and formal term than "lowering the crime levels."
"individuals and governments need to join force" -> "individuals and governments must collaborate"
Explanation: "Collaborate" is a more formal and precise term than "join force," which is incorrect and informal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both prison and education as solutions to crime. The writer acknowledges the commonality of imprisonment as a solution while advocating for education as a more effective alternative. The argument is well-supported with relevant points about the downsides of prisons and the benefits of education, such as rehabilitation and deterrence. However, the essay could have explicitly stated the extent of agreement or disagreement with the prompt, which is a crucial aspect of the task.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should clearly articulate their position regarding the extent of agreement or disagreement in the introduction and conclusion. For example, they could state, "I strongly agree that education is a more effective solution than imprisonment" to provide clarity.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position favoring education over imprisonment, which is evident in the arguments presented. The writer consistently supports this stance throughout the essay, particularly in the discussion of the benefits of education and the drawbacks of incarceration. However, the introduction could be more assertive in stating the position, as it currently reads somewhat ambiguously.
- How to improve: To ensure a more robust presentation of the position, the writer should use definitive language in the introduction and conclusion. Phrases like "I firmly believe" or "It is clear that" can help reinforce the writer’s stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several well-developed ideas, such as the negative impact of a criminal record on employment and the financial burden of prisons. The use of a statistic from the Los Angeles Times effectively supports the argument against imprisonment. However, some points, such as the discussion on how education can deter crime, could benefit from further elaboration or examples to strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: The writer should aim to provide more specific examples or case studies to illustrate how education has successfully reduced crime rates in certain contexts. This could involve mentioning successful educational programs or initiatives that have led to a decrease in criminal behavior.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains largely focused on the topic, discussing the effectiveness of prison versus education in addressing crime. There are no significant deviations from the topic, and all points made are relevant to the prompt. However, the conclusion could be more directly tied back to the prompt by reiterating the comparison between the two solutions.
- How to improve: In the conclusion, the writer should summarize the key points made regarding both prison and education, explicitly stating why education is the superior solution. This would reinforce the relevance of the discussion to the prompt and provide a stronger closing argument.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and presents a well-reasoned argument. By making the suggested improvements, the writer can enhance clarity, depth, and relevance, potentially achieving an even higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear and logical progression of ideas. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, stating the writer’s position clearly. Each paragraph builds upon the previous one, with the first paragraph discussing the downsides of imprisonment and the second focusing on the benefits of education. The use of transitional phrases like "First and foremost" and "Therefore" helps guide the reader through the argument. However, while the overall structure is coherent, some ideas could be better connected to enhance the flow.
- How to improve: To further improve logical organization, consider using more explicit linking phrases between ideas within paragraphs. For instance, when transitioning from the discussion of prison downsides to the benefits of education, a phrase like "In contrast" could strengthen the connection between the two opposing viewpoints.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The first paragraph addresses the issues with prisons, while the second highlights the advantages of education. The conclusion succinctly summarizes the argument. However, the introduction could benefit from a clearer thesis statement that outlines the main points to be discussed.
- How to improve: Enhance the introduction by explicitly stating the main arguments that will be explored in the essay. For example, a sentence like "This essay will discuss the shortcomings of imprisonment and the advantages of education in reducing crime" would provide a clearer roadmap for the reader.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "Moreover," "Consequently," and "Additionally," which help to connect ideas and maintain flow. However, the range of cohesive devices could be expanded. Some phrases are repeated, which can lead to a monotonous reading experience. For instance, the use of "Firstly" and "Secondly" is effective, but varying these terms could enhance the essay’s sophistication.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider using synonyms or alternative phrases such as "In addition," "Furthermore," or "On the other hand." This will not only improve the essay’s readability but also demonstrate a wider range of vocabulary and cohesive strategies.

Overall, the essay is well-structured and presents a compelling argument. By refining the introduction, enhancing transitions between ideas, and diversifying cohesive devices, the writer can elevate the coherence and cohesion of the essay even further.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, utilizing terms such as "rehabilitation," "exacerbating," "competence," and "deter." These choices reflect an understanding of the topic and contribute to the clarity of the argument. However, some phrases are repeated, such as "criminal acts" and "illegal activities," which could be varied to enhance lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider using synonyms or related terms. For example, instead of repeating "criminal acts," you might use "offenses," "delinquency," or "transgressions." Additionally, incorporating idiomatic expressions or more sophisticated vocabulary could elevate the essay further.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary accurately, but there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "alert problems" is unclear and could confuse readers. The term "funding" should be used instead of "fundings," as it is uncountable in this context. Additionally, "the desire to participate in illegal activities" could be more effectively expressed as "the inclination to engage in criminal behavior."
- How to improve: To improve precision, review vocabulary choices and ensure they fit the context. Consider using a thesaurus to find more suitable words. For instance, replace "alert problems" with "urgent issues" or "pressing concerns." Always double-check for grammatical correctness, especially with uncountable nouns.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a good level of spelling accuracy overall. However, there are minor errors, such as "Havard" instead of "Harvard" and "fundings," which should be "funding." These errors, while not frequent, can detract from the overall impression of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreadingstrategy. After writing, take a break and then read through the essay to catch any spelling errors. Additionally, using spell-check tools can help identify mistakes before submission. Regular practice with vocabulary lists can also reinforce correct spelling.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and conditional clauses. For example, the use of phrases like "should this allocation on jails be partly shifted" and "by learning and practicing, they might achieve good qualifications" showcases an ability to construct complex ideas effectively. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the way arguments are introduced (e.g., "First and foremost," "To begin with," "Firstly," "Secondly"). This can detract from the overall variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, consider varying the introductory phrases and using more diverse conjunctions and transitions. For instance, instead of always starting with "Firstly" or "Secondly," you could use phrases like "In addition," "Moreover," or "Another significant point is." Additionally, incorporating more passive voice constructions or different ways to express conditionality could further diversify sentence structures.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are some notable errors that affect clarity. For instance, the phrase "the lack of skills and knowledge required in contemporary labour market" should include "the" before "contemporary labour market" for grammatical correctness. Additionally, the sentence "Moreover, that jails need a huge budget to operate can divert fundings from many alert problems" contains awkward phrasing; "that jails need" should be rephrased for clarity, and "fundings" should be replaced with "funds." Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are instances where commas could enhance readability, such as before "leading to their re-offending."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on proofreading for articles and prepositions, which are often overlooked. Additionally, practicing sentence rephrasing can help clarify awkward constructions. For punctuation, consider reviewing rules for comma usage, especially in complex sentences, to ensure that ideas are clearly separated and the flow of the essay is smooth. Reading the essay aloud can also help identify areas where punctuation might be lacking or where sentences could be restructured for better clarity.

Bài sửa mẫu

While prison is a common method for addressing the issue of crime in many countries, education is believed to serve as a more effective solution. From my perspective, this viewpoint is highly persuasive due to several reasons.

First and foremost, it is essential to acknowledge the drawbacks of imprisonment. To begin with, incarceration may pose challenges for the rehabilitation of ex-criminals. This is primarily because a criminal record, combined with their lack of skills and knowledge relevant to the contemporary labor market, might complicate job prospects. Consequently, many of them may struggle to cover living expenses, leading to re-offending and exacerbating the issue by increasing the rate of criminal acts. Moreover, the substantial budget required to operate jails can divert funds from numerous pressing issues. To illustrate this point, according to the Los Angeles Times, the annual cost of maintaining a prisoner exceeds 75,000 USD, which is more expensive than the annual tuition fee of a student at Harvard University. Thus, should a portion of the allocation for jails be redirected to address other urgent issues, governments could provide better welfare and unemployment support, preventing the motivation for offending from an early stage.

Therefore, I am of the opinion that education could be more effective in addressing this problem. Firstly, it can provide individuals with both fundamental and specialized competence and qualifications. By learning and practicing, they might achieve valuable qualifications, which could lead to promising careers and secure stable lives. As a result, this could deter them from engaging in illegal actions, thereby enhancing community safety. Secondly, education can deter the intention to commit crimes at an early stage. The reason for this is that students can be educated about the law, including the consequences of their offenses and the punishments imposed. Subsequently, this could reduce the desire to participate in illegal activities, thereby lowering crime rates.

In conclusion, education could be a much more effective approach compared to imprisonment, as it offers more positive impacts. Additionally, individuals and governments must collaborate to tackle this issue to achieve the best results.