In recent times, there has been a shift in family dynamics between fathers and mothers with an increasing figure for men at home and women working. In this essay, I’d introduce two reasons for this development and explain why I think it is a positive one.
In recent times, there has been a shift in family dynamics between fathers and mothers with an increasing figure for men at home and women working. In this essay, I’d introduce two reasons for this development and explain why I think it is a positive one.
In recent times, there has been a shift in family dynamics between fathers and mothers with an increasing figure for men at home and women working. In this essay, I’d introduce two reasons for this development and explain why I think it is a positive one.
One of the reasons for this shift is the change in people’s awareness of parents roles in family nowadays. A father now is not supposed to be the breadwinner who is the main income of the family. Also, they don’t expect a mother to stay at home and be a housewife, doing all the household chores. This significant change in people’s consciousness enables families to become more suitable for every individuals. Secondly, the number of woman having more chances to get promotion has been increasing because of the high-qualified women workers nowadays, which can brings a greater amount of income for each family.
Despite some controversies over this trend, I personally think it represents a positive development for 2 reasons. This shift has shown us a significant advance in society’s awareness of parents’ role in family and the removal of old-fashioned ideas. This also allows comfort and freedom for each individuals and family when they can easily change to suit their best but not to obey the society’s standard, which encourages everyone and the world developed.
In conclusion, the change in family roles, with more fathers staying home and mothers going to work, is a good development. It shows that society is more open to flexible roles and does not hold onto old ideas about what each parent should do. This shift allows families to make choices that work best for them. Overall, this change promotes equality and creates a healthier environment for everyone.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"In recent times" -> "In recent years"
Explanation: "In recent years" is a more precise temporal reference, enhancing the academic tone by specifying the time period more clearly. -
"an increasing figure for men at home and women working" -> "an increasing trend of men staying at home and women working"
Explanation: "Increasing trend" is more specific and academically appropriate than "increasing figure," which is vague and imprecise in this context. -
"I’d introduce" -> "I will discuss"
Explanation: "I will discuss" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing than the contraction "I’d," which is too informal. -
"A father now is not supposed to be the breadwinner" -> "A father is no longer solely expected to be the primary breadwinner"
Explanation: "Is no longer solely expected to be the primary breadwinner" clarifies the expectation shift more accurately and uses more formal language. -
"Also, they don’t expect a mother to stay at home and be a housewife" -> "Additionally, they no longer expect mothers to remain at home and assume the role of a housewife"
Explanation: "Additionally" is more formal than "Also," and "remain at home and assume the role of a housewife" is more precise and formal than "stay at home and be a housewife." -
"This significant change in people’s consciousness" -> "This significant shift in societal awareness"
Explanation: "Societal awareness" is a more precise and formal term than "people’s consciousness," which is somewhat vague and informal. -
"enables families to become more suitable for every individuals" -> "enables families to become more suitable for each individual"
Explanation: "Each individual" is grammatically correct and more formal than "every individuals," which is incorrect. -
"the number of woman having more chances to get promotion" -> "the increasing number of women receiving promotions"
Explanation: "The increasing number of women receiving promotions" is more formal and grammatically correct than "the number of woman having more chances to get promotion." -
"which can brings a greater amount of income" -> "which can bring a greater amount of income"
Explanation: "Bring" is the correct verb form in this context, correcting the grammatical error. -
"I personally think" -> "I believe"
Explanation: "I believe" is a more formal expression suitable for academic writing than "I personally think." -
"This shift has shown us a significant advance in society’s awareness" -> "This shift has demonstrated a significant advancement in societal awareness"
Explanation: "Demonstrated" and "societal awareness" are more precise and formal terms than "shown" and "society’s awareness." -
"the removal of old-fashioned ideas" -> "the elimination of outdated notions"
Explanation: "Elimination of outdated notions" is more precise and formal than "removal of old-fashioned ideas." -
"This also allows comfort and freedom for each individuals" -> "This also provides comfort and freedom for each individual"
Explanation: "Provides" is more appropriate than "allows," and "each individual" is grammatically correct. -
"not to obey the society’s standard" -> "not to conform to societal norms"
Explanation: "Conform to societal norms" is a more formal and precise expression than "obey the society’s standard." -
"which encourages everyone and the world developed" -> "which encourages development globally"
Explanation: "Encourages development globally" is more concise and formal than "encourages everyone and the world developed," which is awkward and unclear.
These changes enhance the formal tone and precision of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by introducing two reasons for the shift in family dynamics and explaining why this change is viewed positively. The reasons provided—changing perceptions of parental roles and increased opportunities for women—are relevant and well-articulated. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit connection between the reasons and the overall positive impact on society.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could include specific examples or statistics that illustrate the positive outcomes of these changes, such as improved family well-being or economic benefits. Additionally, explicitly linking each reason back to the thesis statement in the conclusion would strengthen the overall argument.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the shift in family roles is positive. This stance is consistently supported throughout the essay, particularly in the discussion of societal advancements and individual freedoms. However, the phrase "despite some controversies" introduces a slight ambiguity that could confuse readers about the author’s stance.
- How to improve: To maintain clarity, the writer should either elaborate on the controversies mentioned or remove that phrase altogether. Ensuring that every paragraph reinforces the positive viewpoint will help solidify the position throughout the essay.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The ideas presented are relevant and logically sequenced, with each reason being introduced and explained. However, the support for these ideas could be more robust. For instance, while the essay mentions increased opportunities for women, it does not provide specific examples or data to substantiate this claim, which weakens the argument.
- How to improve: The writer should aim to include specific examples, anecdotes, or data to support each point made. For instance, mentioning specific industries where women have gained prominence or citing studies on family satisfaction could enhance the depth of the argument.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains largely focused on the topic of changing family dynamics and the roles of fathers and mothers. However, there are moments where the discussion becomes slightly vague, particularly in phrases like "the world developed," which could be interpreted in various ways and detracts from the main topic.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all statements are directly relevant to the topic of family dynamics. Avoiding vague language and ensuring that all points clearly relate back to the thesis will help keep the essay on track. Additionally, tightening the language to avoid redundancy (e.g., "each individuals" should be "each individual") will improve clarity and coherence.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. With some enhancements in supporting details and clarity, it could achieve an even higher score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear introduction that outlines the topic and the writer’s stance. The body paragraphs follow a logical progression, with each paragraph addressing a distinct reason for the shift in family dynamics. However, the transition between the first and second reasons could be smoother. For instance, the connection between changing roles and the increasing opportunities for women is somewhat abrupt and could benefit from a clearer link.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas. For example, after discussing the change in parental roles, you could introduce the second reason with a phrase like "In addition to changing roles, another significant factor is…" This would help readers follow your argument more seamlessly.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids readability. Each paragraph contains a main idea, but the first body paragraph could be split into two for better clarity. The first part discusses changing perceptions of parental roles, while the second part addresses the economic aspect of women working. This division would allow for a more focused discussion in each paragraph.
- How to improve: Aim to ensure that each paragraph contains a single clear idea supported by relevant details. Consider starting a new paragraph when introducing a new aspect of your argument. For example, after discussing societal awareness in the first paragraph, create a new paragraph for the economic opportunities available to women.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "also" and "despite," which help connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and some sentences feel disjointed. For instance, the phrase "which can brings a greater amount of income for each family" lacks clarity and cohesion, as it does not effectively connect to the preceding sentence.
- How to improve: To diversify and improve the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For example, use "furthermore," "in addition," or "consequently" to enhance the flow of ideas. Additionally, ensure grammatical accuracy in phrases; "can brings" should be corrected to "can bring" for clarity and correctness.
By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately improving the overall quality of the argument presented.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "shift," "dynamics," "breadwinner," and "housewife." However, the vocabulary used is somewhat repetitive and lacks variation. For instance, the phrase "change in people’s awareness" appears multiple times, and synonyms could enhance the richness of the text. Additionally, terms like "high-qualified" could be replaced with more standard phrases such as "highly qualified" to improve fluency.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should explore synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeating "change," consider using "transformation," "evolution," or "shift." Engaging with a thesaurus or vocabulary-building exercises can also help diversify language use.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay attempts to convey complex ideas, there are instances of imprecise vocabulary. For example, the phrase "the main income of the family" could be more accurately expressed as "the primary source of income." Additionally, "the number of woman having more chances" contains a grammatical error and could be better articulated as "the number of women having increased opportunities."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on ensuring that terms accurately reflect their intended meaning. Reading academic articles or essays can provide examples of precise language usage. Furthermore, revising sentences for clarity and grammatical correctness will enhance overall precision.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "woman" instead of "women," "which can brings" instead of "which can bring," and "each individuals" instead of "each individual." These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully, ideally reading it aloud to catch mistakes. Utilizing spell-check tools and maintaining a list of commonly misspelled words can also be beneficial. Regular practice in writing and reviewing spelling rules will further enhance spelling skills.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, enhancing vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy will contribute to achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the opening sentence effectively uses a complex structure: "In recent times, there has been a shift in family dynamics between fathers and mothers with an increasing figure for men at home and women working." However, there are instances where sentence variety could be improved. For instance, the sentence "A father now is not supposed to be the breadwinner who is the main income of the family" could be restructured for clarity and variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that use subordinate clauses. For example, instead of saying, "Also, they don’t expect a mother to stay at home and be a housewife," you could say, "Moreover, societal expectations have shifted, leading to a decreased emphasis on mothers remaining at home as housewives." This not only adds variety but also improves clarity.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally good command of grammar, but there are several errors that detract from its overall accuracy. For instance, the phrase "the number of woman having more chances" should be corrected to "the number of women having more chances." Additionally, the phrase "which can brings a greater amount of income" contains a grammatical error; it should be "which can bring a greater amount of income." Punctuation is mostly accurate, but the use of commas could be improved for better readability, particularly in longer sentences.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement and pluralization. Regularly reviewing common grammatical rules can help reinforce these concepts. Additionally, consider breaking down longer sentences into shorter, clearer ones to reduce the chance of errors. For example, the sentence "This also allows comfort and freedom for each individuals and family when they can easily change to suit their best but not to obey the society’s standard" could be revised for clarity and correctness: "This shift also allows comfort and freedom for each individual and family, enabling them to adapt to their needs rather than conforming to societal standards."
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and correcting grammatical errors will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
In recent years, there has been a shift in family dynamics between fathers and mothers, with an increasing trend of men staying at home and women working. In this essay, I will discuss two reasons for this development and explain why I believe it is a positive one.
One of the reasons for this shift is the change in people’s awareness of parental roles in families today. A father is no longer solely expected to be the primary breadwinner who provides the main income for the family. Additionally, society no longer expects mothers to remain at home and assume the role of a housewife, managing all household chores. This significant shift in societal awareness enables families to become more suitable for each individual’s needs. Secondly, the increasing number of women receiving promotions has been rising due to the presence of highly qualified female workers today, which can bring a greater amount of income to each family.
Despite some controversies surrounding this trend, I personally think it represents a positive development for two reasons. This shift has demonstrated a significant advancement in societal awareness of parental roles in families and the elimination of outdated notions. This also provides comfort and freedom for each individual and family, allowing them to adapt to their best circumstances rather than conforming to societal norms, which encourages development globally.
In conclusion, the change in family roles, with more fathers staying home and mothers going to work, is a positive development. It shows that society is becoming more open to flexible roles and is moving away from old ideas about what each parent should do. This shift allows families to make choices that work best for them. Overall, this change promotes equality and creates a healthier environment for everyone.