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In recent years, social media platforms have become influential in shaping political discourse and citizen engagement. Discuss the impact of social media on political awareness and participation. To what extent do you believe social media is a positive or negative force in the realm of politics? Provide examples and support your viewpoint with relevant evidence

In recent years, social media platforms have become influential in shaping political discourse and citizen engagement. Discuss the impact of social media on political awareness and participation. To what extent do you believe social media is a positive or negative force in the realm of politics? Provide examples and support your viewpoint with relevant evidence

Social network services have the potential to serve as a tool for molding individuals' political narratives and citizen involvement. While people remain optimistic about this phenomenon as they will be more cognizant of worldwide political landscapes and stay tuned with the current events, I am concerned that online-based networking could be leveraged for information distortion and psychological manipulation, conceivably deteriorating into civil tension and social turmoils. In this essay, I will delve into the impacts of media platforms on citizens’ parliamentary inclinations, and elucidate why I think they are negative.
First and foremost, other people assert that with the help of the media, we are now well-versed in global politics and current happenings, enabling us to be actively involved in the political world. In the last decade, when parliamentary information remained veiled and concealed, most contemporaries were ignorant of bureaucratic issues. Therefore, the destiny of nations was held under the realms of the noble, and the wealthy which failed to assist and support underprivileged people. In this day and age, exposed to up-to-date bureaucratic news and contexts, individuals can be more knowledgeable and aware of the parliamentary as well as form their bias. That is the reason why they are enabled to take proactive actions to establish a meritocratic and republic political entity to meet their needs and address societal problems. However, I firmly believe that the disadvantages of media can outweigh the advantages when it comes to politics.
Contrary to people's beliefs, I state that comparable platforms are the catalyst for emotional manipulation and knowledge distortion whose upshot is the tumultuous social state, even civil wars. Media networking sites are the main means of communication for many parliamentary leaders to give their opinions and call for support because of their widespread adoption among the masses. Indeed, they could divert individuals’ attention for personal gain or corruption by posting counterfeit information online. Furthermore, many constituencies and voters are heavily impacted by crowd psychology theory, leading to misguided and uneducated decisions. If this phenomenon continues, it likely deteriorate into civil accumulating tensions and social turmoil.
In summary, despite the positive impacts of the mass media on citizens' awareness of political mechanisms, I contend that it could take a toll on our emotions by manipulation and disinformation, ultimately resulting in potent social contexts.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "optimistic about this phenomenon" -> "optimistic about this development"
    Explanation: "Phenomenon" is a broad term that might be considered too general in this context. Replacing it with "development" maintains formality and clarity while referring to the emergence of social network services.

  2. "molding individuals’ political narratives" -> "shaping individuals’ political narratives"
    Explanation: "Molding" is somewhat informal; "shaping" is a more precise and formal term that better aligns with academic writing.

  3. "stay tuned with the current events" -> "stay informed about current events"
    Explanation: "Stay tuned" is an idiomatic expression that is less formal. Using "stay informed about current events" conveys the same idea more formally and precisely.

  4. "online-based networking" -> "internet-based networking"
    Explanation: Replacing "online-based" with "internet-based" is more specific and adheres to a more formal style, as it explicitly refers to the medium through which networking occurs.

  5. "leverage for information distortion" -> "exploited for information distortion"
    Explanation: "Leverage" can be too casual in this context. "Exploited" is a more formal term that emphasizes the negative aspect of using social network services for information distortion.

  6. "conceivably deteriorating" -> "potentially leading to deterioration"
    Explanation: "Conceivably" may sound less confident and more speculative. Using "potentially leading to" adds clarity and maintains a formal tone.

  7. "delve into the impacts" -> "examine the impacts"
    Explanation: "Delve into" is slightly informal. "Examine" is a more formal and precise term that fits well in an academic context.

  8. "parliamentary inclinations" -> "political inclinations"
    Explanation: "Parliamentary" is more specific to the legislative branch of government, while "political" is a broader term that encompasses a wider range of activities. Using "political inclinations" is more accurate in this context.

  9. "destiny of nations was held under the realms of the noble" -> "fate of nations was controlled by the elite"
    Explanation: "Realms of the noble" is archaic and less precise. "Controlled by the elite" is a more direct and formal way to express this idea.

  10. "concealed, most contemporaries were ignorant" -> "concealed; most contemporaries were unaware"
    Explanation: Using a semicolon instead of a comma adds a touch of formality. Additionally, replacing "ignorant" with "unaware" is a more neutral and refined choice.

  11. "up-to-date bureaucratic news" -> "current political news"
    Explanation: "Bureaucratic" is more specific than necessary. Using "current political news" maintains clarity while simplifying the expression.

  12. "form their bias" -> "form their opinions"
    Explanation: "Form their bias" may sound negative. Using "form their opinions" is a more neutral and formal way to convey the idea.

  13. "meritocratic and republic political entity" -> "meritocratic and republican political system"
    Explanation: "Political entity" is a bit vague. Replacing it with "political system" adds precision, and "republican" is the correct term to use in this context.

  14. "disadvantages of media can outweigh the advantages" -> "drawbacks of media may outweigh the benefits"
    Explanation: "Can outweigh" is less assertive. Using "may outweigh" adds a level of caution appropriate for academic writing.

  15. "catalyst for emotional manipulation" -> "catalyst for manipulating emotions"
    Explanation: "Emotional manipulation" can be interpreted as too casual. "Manipulating emotions" is a more formal and direct phrase.

  16. "knowledge distortion whose upshot" -> "knowledge distortion, resulting"
    Explanation: The structure of the sentence is improved for clarity and formality by separating the concepts and using "resulting" instead of "whose upshot."

  17. "tumultuous social state" -> "turmoil in the social fabric"
    Explanation: "Tumultuous social state" can be refined for a more formal tone. "Turmoil in the social fabric" is more academically appropriate.

  18. "media networking sites" -> "social media platforms"
    Explanation: "Media networking sites" can be made more specific and formal by using the term "social media platforms."

  19. "main means of communication for many parliamentary leaders" -> "primary mode of communication for numerous political leaders"
    Explanation: "Main means of communication" can be expressed more formally as the "primary mode of communication," and "parliamentary leaders" can be replaced with "political leaders" for a broader term.

  20. "divert individuals’ attention" -> "divert the attention of individuals"
    Explanation: Adding "the" before "attention" improves the formality of the expression.

  21. "counterfeit information online" -> "false information on the internet"
    Explanation: "Counterfeit" may sound too specific; using "false information on the internet" is a more encompassing and formal choice.

  22. "continues, it likely deteriorate" -> "continues, it is likely to deteriorate"
    Explanation: Correcting the verb form to "it is likely to deteriorate" maintains grammatical accuracy and formality.

  23. "positive impacts of the mass media" -> "positive influences of mass media"
    Explanation: "Impacts" can be replaced with "influences" for a more nuanced and formal expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all aspects of the prompt. It discusses both the positive and negative impacts of social media on political awareness and participation, providing examples and supporting the viewpoint with relevant evidence. For instance, it discusses the positive aspect of increased political awareness and citizen involvement while expressing concerns about the potential negative consequences such as information distortion and psychological manipulation.
    • How to improve: The essay has done well in addressing all parts of the question. To enhance comprehensiveness, consider providing more specific examples to illustrate your points. This will strengthen your argument and make your analysis more convincing.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout. The writer expresses a negative stance on the impact of social media on politics, emphasizing concerns about information distortion and psychological manipulation leading to social turmoil. This position is consistent and evident in various parts of the essay.
    • How to improve: To further enhance clarity, consider explicitly stating your position in the introduction and conclusion. This will provide a clear roadmap for the reader and reinforce the consistency of your stance.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas adequately, discussing the positive impact of social media on political awareness and citizen involvement and then extending to the potential negative consequences. The development of ideas is generally sound, with some specific instances highlighted to support the arguments.
    • How to improve: To strengthen your essay, consider providing more detailed examples and evidence for both the positive and negative aspects. This will add depth to your analysis and make your points more convincing. Additionally, ensure a smooth transition between ideas to improve the overall coherence of the essay.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the impact of social media on political awareness and participation as prompted. However, there are moments where the connection between points could be clearer, and some sentences are a bit convoluted.
    • How to improve: To enhance focus, ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the main topic and that there is a logical flow between ideas. Simplify complex sentences for better clarity, and use transitions to guide the reader through your arguments more smoothly.

In conclusion, while the essay effectively addresses the key components of the prompt, there is room for improvement in providing more specific examples, explicitly stating the position, enhancing the development of ideas, and ensuring better coherence and clarity in sentence structure.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization by introducing the topic in the introduction, presenting arguments in the body paragraphs, and summarizing the key points in the conclusion. However, there is room for improvement in the logical flow within paragraphs. For instance, the transition from discussing the positive aspects of media platforms to the negative aspects could be smoother to enhance coherence.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure a seamless transition between ideas within paragraphs. Use clear topic sentences and supporting details to guide the reader through the progression of your argument.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate distinct ideas. However, some paragraphs are lengthy, and the essay could benefit from more frequent paragraph breaks to enhance readability and emphasize key points. Additionally, the conclusion could be strengthened by summarizing the main arguments more succinctly.
    • How to improve: Consider breaking down lengthy paragraphs into smaller, focused ones to improve clarity and emphasize key points. In the conclusion, strive for conciseness by summarizing the main arguments without introducing new information.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices such as linking words and phrases (e.g., "first and foremost," "contrary to," "in summary"). However, there is limited variety, and some transitions could be more nuanced for a smoother connection between sentences and paragraphs.
    • How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices to create a more varied and sophisticated flow. Explore synonyms for common transition words and experiment with different sentence structures to enhance overall cohesion.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, but improvements in the areas mentioned can elevate the essay to a higher band score. Focus on refining the logical flow within paragraphs, utilizing paragraph breaks effectively, and incorporating a wider range of cohesive devices for a more polished and cohesive piece.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use diverse words and phrases to convey ideas. For example, the essay employs terms like "cognizant," "parliamentary inclinations," "meritocratic," and "republic political entity." However, the range is not consistently extensive, and some repetition of vocabulary is noted.
    • How to improve: To enhance the score in this aspect, try incorporating more varied vocabulary, especially in expressing nuanced ideas. For instance, instead of repeating phrases like "social turmoil," consider alternatives like "civil unrest" or "societal upheaval." Additionally, explore synonyms for commonly used words to demonstrate a broader lexical range.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with precision, effectively conveying ideas. However, there are instances where the use of words could be more precise. For example, the term "crowd psychology theory" could be specified further to enhance clarity.
    • How to improve: Aim for greater specificity in vocabulary. Instead of using broad terms like "crowd psychology theory," consider specifying the exact theories or phenomena involved, such as "herd mentality" or "groupthink." This will contribute to a more precise and nuanced expression of ideas.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally high level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances of misspelled words, such as "parliamentary" being spelled as "parliamentary." Additionally, there are some grammatical errors, like the phrase "take a toll on our emotions by manipulation," which could be refined for better clarity.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, pay careful attention to words with complex spellings. Proofread the essay thoroughly to catch and correct any errors. Additionally, for grammatical accuracy, ensure that sentence structures are clear and well-constructed. In the mentioned phrase, consider rephrasing for better clarity, such as "impact our emotions through manipulation."

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of vocabulary and spelling, a more consistent and precise use of language would further strengthen its overall lexical resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences. However, there is a tendency to rely on certain structures, such as compound sentences, leading to a lack of diversity. For instance, in the second paragraph, there is a repeated use of compound sentences without much variation in sentence structure.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as compound-complex sentences or varying the length and style of sentences. Introduce phrases or clauses to add nuance and depth to your arguments.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, but there are instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. For example, in the second paragraph, there’s an unclear reference in the sentence: "That is the reason why they are enabled to take proactive actions to establish a meritocratic and republic political entity to meet their needs and address societal problems."
    • How to improve: Review sentence structures for clarity and coherence. Be mindful of pronoun references and ensure that sentences are structured in a way that avoids ambiguity. Additionally, pay attention to subject-verb agreement and use punctuation marks, such as commas and periods, more consistently for clearer expression.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a commendable level of grammatical proficiency, improvements can be made by diversifying sentence structures and addressing occasional grammatical errors. These enhancements will contribute to a more polished and sophisticated piece of writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent times, social media platforms have gained significant influence in shaping political discourse and citizen engagement. The potential for these platforms to mold individuals’ political narratives and encourage civic participation is widely acknowledged. People are optimistic about this development, believing it enhances their awareness of global political landscapes and helps them stay informed about current events. However, my concern lies in the possibility of online-based networking being exploited for information distortion and psychological manipulation, potentially leading to deterioration into civil tension and social turmoil. In this essay, I will explore the impacts of media platforms on citizens’ political inclinations and explain why, despite the positive influences, I view them as having more negative effects.

Firstly, proponents argue that media has played a crucial role in making people well-versed in global politics and current events, allowing them to actively participate in the political world. In the past, when parliamentary information was concealed, many were ignorant of bureaucratic issues. This resulted in the destiny of nations being controlled by the elite, failing to address the needs of the underprivileged. Nowadays, with access to up-to-date bureaucratic news, individuals can be more knowledgeable and aware of the political landscape, forming their opinions and taking proactive actions to establish a meritocratic and republican political system. However, I firmly believe that the drawbacks of media may outweigh the benefits when it comes to politics.

Contrary to popular belief, I argue that these platforms can act as catalysts for manipulating emotions and distorting knowledge, leading to tumultuous social states and even civil wars. Media networking sites serve as the primary mode of communication for numerous political leaders, allowing them to express their opinions and garner support due to their widespread adoption. Unfortunately, they can also divert individuals’ attention for personal gain or corruption by disseminating false information online. Moreover, the impact of crowd psychology theory on constituencies and voters can result in misguided and uneducated decisions. If this trend continues, it is likely to deteriorate into accumulating tensions and social turmoil.

In summary, despite the positive influences of mass media on citizens’ awareness of political mechanisms, I contend that it could have detrimental effects on emotions through manipulation and disinformation, ultimately resulting in potent social contexts. It is crucial for individuals to critically examine the impacts of media platforms on political engagement and be aware of the potential negative consequences they may bring.

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