In recent years, the rate of crime committed by teenagers in many countries throughout the world has increased. This problem has affected people’s lives and security. The rise of crime committed by youth has resulted from many factors. The challenge, therefore, is how to deal with this worrying trend. Write an essay that discusses the possible causes of crime committed by teenagers and that gives suggestions on how to address the problem.

In recent years, the rate of crime committed by teenagers in many countries throughout the world has increased. This problem has affected people's lives and security. The rise of crime committed by youth has resulted from many factors. The challenge, therefore, is how to deal with this worrying trend.

Write an essay that discusses the possible causes of crime committed by teenagers and that gives suggestions on how to address the problem.

Young criminality is an increasingly serious topic in many nations around the world, this popularity leads to many consequences that influence the lives and safety of people. The main reasons for this problem is the lack of attention from parents and the rising harmful contents on the Intermet. This happenance can be solved with the right solutions written in this essay.

Less supervisons of parents can create more leisure time for children expose to the wrong conceptions. This frequently parental absence give teenagers more chances to play violent games online for relaxation and gradually become addicted, then create the wrong consciousness of bullying and murdering. The youth, therefore, think that violence can be used as the means to solve the daily conflicts, resulting in a highly young crime rate. To tackle this, parents should balance the amount of time spent on work and on education for their children by teaching about the law, courtesy and gentle problem – solving. Mindful of the wrong awareness in their children, parents could give them the approriate adjustments and guide them to the legal behaviors.

Another important reason behind this problem is the unsensored, ubiquitous content on the Internet. Because of the mounting violent subjects in both audio and written media, children are easily related to these harmful words and speeches without distinguishing between right and wrong. For example, juvenile Internet users join anti-social clubs on Facebook and are enticed to participate in gang groups, later becoming teenage gangsters. The solution is for the guardians to keep track of the unsuitable contents that young people have searched and install age – approriate filter on flatforms. 

In conclusion, the causes of young criminals are the lack of parents' care and the uncontrolled contents on the Internet. Although this issue is negative in many aspects of life, it can be tackled by parents' supervision and spending more time with children.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Young criminality" -> "Juvenile delinquency"
   Explanation: "Juvenile delinquency" is a more precise and academically appropriate term that refers specifically to criminal behavior among young people, aligning better with formal and scholarly language.

2. "this popularity leads to many consequences" -> "this trend leads to numerous consequences"
   Explanation: "Trend" is more specific and appropriate than "popularity" in this context, referring to a widespread pattern or tendency. "Numerous" is also more formal than "many."

3. "The main reasons for this problem is" -> "The primary causes of this issue are"
   Explanation: "Primary causes" is more specific and formal than "main reasons," and "are" agrees with the plural subject "causes," enhancing grammatical correctness.

4. "Less supervisons of parents" -> "Less parental supervision"
   Explanation: "Supervisions" is not a standard term; "supervision" is the correct noun form. Also, "of parents" is redundant as "parental" is already implied.

5. "This frequently parental absence give teenagers" -> "This frequent parental absence gives teenagers"
   Explanation: "Frequent" is the correct adjective form, and "gives" agrees with the singular subject "absence."

6. "play violent games online for relaxation" -> "engage in violent online games for relaxation"
   Explanation: "Engage in" is a more formal and precise verb choice than "play," and "online games" is a more specific term than "violent games."

7. "create the wrong consciousness of bullying and murdering" -> "promote a misguided understanding of bullying and violence"
   Explanation: "Promote a misguided understanding" is more precise and academically appropriate than "create the wrong consciousness," which is awkward and unclear.

8. "highly young crime rate" -> "high crime rate among the young"
   Explanation: "Highly young crime rate" is awkward and unclear; "high crime rate among the young" is clearer and more formal.

9. "approriate adjustments" -> "appropriate adjustments"
   Explanation: "Approriate" is a typographical error; "appropriate" is the correct spelling.

10. "flatforms" -> "platforms"
    Explanation: "Flatforms" is a typographical error; "platforms" is the correct term.

11. "unsensored, ubiquitous content" -> "unsensored and ubiquitous content"
    Explanation: Adding "and" corrects the grammatical structure, making the phrase flow smoothly.

12. "juvenile Internet users join anti-social clubs on Facebook" -> "juvenile Internet users join antisocial clubs on Facebook"
    Explanation: "Antisocial" should be hyphenated to form a compound adjective.

13. "enticed to participate in gang groups" -> "enticed to join gang groups"
    Explanation: "Participate in" is redundant with "join," so "join" is more concise and appropriate.

14. "teenage gangsters" -> "teenage gang members"
    Explanation: "Gang members" is a more formal and precise term than "gangsters," which can carry negative connotations.

15. "spending more time with children" -> "spending more time with their children"
    Explanation: Adding "their" clarifies the possessive relationship, enhancing the sentence’s clarity and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing two main causes of teenage crime: parental neglect and harmful online content. Each cause is elaborated upon, and potential solutions are provided. However, while the essay identifies these causes, it could benefit from a more thorough exploration of additional factors that contribute to teenage crime, such as socioeconomic conditions or peer influence. The solutions proposed are somewhat limited and could be expanded to include community or governmental initiatives.
  • How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, the essay could include a broader range of causes and solutions. For instance, discussing the role of socioeconomic status or mental health issues in contributing to teenage crime would provide a more nuanced understanding. Additionally, suggesting community programs or policies aimed at reducing youth crime could enhance the depth of the response.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that parental supervision and control over online content are crucial in combating teenage crime. However, the phrasing and structure sometimes lead to ambiguity. For instance, the phrase "this popularity leads to many consequences" is vague and could confuse readers about the main argument. The conclusion reiterates the main points but lacks a strong, definitive statement about the importance of addressing these issues.
  • How to improve: To enhance clarity and consistency, the essay should use more direct language and clearly state the position in the introduction and conclusion. A strong thesis statement in the introduction that outlines the main causes and solutions would help guide the reader. Additionally, using transitional phrases can help maintain a consistent flow of ideas throughout the essay.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to parental neglect and harmful online content, but the development of these ideas is somewhat superficial. For example, while the essay mentions violent games and their impact, it does not provide specific statistics or studies to support these claims. The suggestions for solutions are also somewhat generic and lack depth.
  • How to improve: To effectively present and support ideas, the essay should include specific examples, data, or research that illustrate the points made. For instance, citing studies that show a correlation between violent video games and aggressive behavior in teenagers would strengthen the argument. Additionally, elaborating on the proposed solutions with practical examples or case studies would provide a more robust discussion.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the causes and solutions related to teenage crime. However, there are moments where the writing deviates slightly, such as the phrase "this happenance can be solved with the right solutions written in this essay," which feels out of place and does not contribute to the main argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the essay should avoid vague statements and ensure that every sentence contributes directly to the argument. A clear outline before writing could help in organizing thoughts and ensuring that all points are relevant to the topic at hand. Additionally, reviewing the essay for any off-topic phrases or sentences during the editing process can help enhance coherence.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively outlines the problem and hints at the causes and solutions, which sets a logical foundation for the discussion. Each body paragraph focuses on a specific cause of youth crime, followed by suggested solutions. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the connection between the lack of parental supervision and the rise of violent gaming could be more explicitly stated to enhance the logical flow.
  • How to improve: To improve logical organization, the writer could use clearer topic sentences that directly relate to the thesis statement. Additionally, employing transitional phrases such as "Furthermore," "In addition," or "Conversely" can help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs appropriately, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the topic. The first body paragraph discusses parental supervision, while the second addresses internet content. However, the paragraphs could benefit from more developed ideas and clearer separation of points. For example, the first paragraph mixes the discussion of parental absence with the consequences of violent gaming without a clear distinction.
  • How to improve: To enhance paragraphing, the writer should ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. Following this, supporting sentences should elaborate on the topic without introducing new ideas prematurely. This will help maintain focus and clarity within each paragraph.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "therefore," "for example," and "although," which help connect ideas. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be strengthened. For example, the phrase "This happenance can be solved with the right solutions written in this essay" lacks clarity and does not effectively link to the subsequent discussion.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. This includes using synonyms for previously mentioned ideas, employing more varied conjunctions (e.g., "however," "moreover," "consequently"), and ensuring that each sentence logically follows from the previous one. Additionally, the writer should avoid vague phrases and instead use specific references to the ideas being discussed to enhance clarity.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, focusing on improving the logical flow, paragraph structure, and the variety of cohesive devices will elevate the coherence and cohesion to a higher level.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary related to the topic of youth crime, such as "criminality," "consequences," "violent games," and "anti-social clubs." However, the vocabulary used is somewhat repetitive and lacks variation. For instance, the term "parents" is used frequently without synonyms or alternative phrases, which could enhance the richness of the language. Additionally, phrases like "wrong conceptions" and "wrong awareness" could be expressed with more varied vocabulary to avoid redundancy.
  • How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, consider using synonyms and related phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "parents," you could incorporate terms like "guardians," "caregivers," or "adults." Additionally, explore more descriptive adjectives and verbs to articulate ideas more vividly, such as "detrimental" instead of "harmful" or "exposed" instead of "related to."

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While some vocabulary choices are appropriate, there are instances of imprecise usage that can lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "this popularity leads to many consequences" is unclear; it is not the popularity of youth crime that leads to consequences, but rather the crime itself. Similarly, "this happenance" is awkward and should be replaced with "this occurrence" or "this issue." The phrase "the wrong consciousness of bullying and murdering" is also vague and could be more accurately expressed as "a distorted perception of violence."
  • How to improve: Focus on clarity and precision in word choice. Review sentences for potential ambiguities and replace vague terms with more specific ones. For instance, clarify the intended meaning behind phrases like "wrong consciousness" by using terms such as "misguided beliefs" or "distorted views." Additionally, ensure that the subject of each sentence is clear to avoid confusion.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that detract from its overall quality. Notable mistakes include "Intermet" instead of "Internet," "supervisons" instead of "supervisions," and "approriate" instead of "appropriate." These errors can undermine the reader’s confidence in the writer’s language proficiency.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy. After writing the essay, take a break and then review it with fresh eyes, focusing specifically on spelling. Additionally, using spell-check tools or writing software can help identify errors before submission. Regular practice with vocabulary lists and spelling exercises can also strengthen spelling skills over time.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary related to the topic, improvements can be made in terms of variety, precision, and spelling accuracy to achieve a higher band score in Lexical Resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of phrases like “The main reasons for this problem is the lack of attention from parents and the rising harmful contents on the Internet” shows an attempt to combine ideas. However, many sentences are overly simplistic or awkwardly constructed, such as “This happenance can be solved with the right solutions written in this essay.” This indicates a limited range of grammatical structures, which affects the overall fluency and coherence of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should practice using more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For instance, instead of saying “Less supervisons of parents can create more leisure time for children expose to the wrong conceptions,” a more complex structure could be: “When parents supervise less, children are left with more leisure time, which exposes them to harmful conceptions.” Additionally, incorporating varied sentence beginnings and transitions can improve the flow and coherence of the essay.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its clarity. For example, “This happenance can be solved” should be “This occurrence can be solved,” and “Less supervisons” should be “Less supervision.” Furthermore, punctuation errors, such as the comma splice in “Young criminality is an increasingly serious topic in many nations around the world, this popularity leads to many consequences,” create run-on sentences that confuse the reader. The use of articles is inconsistent, as seen in “the uncontrolled contents on the Internet,” where “the” may not be necessary.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, correct use of articles, and proper noun forms. A thorough proofreading process can help catch these errors. Additionally, practicing punctuation rules, particularly regarding comma usage and sentence boundaries, will enhance clarity. It may also be beneficial to read more academic essays to observe correct grammar and punctuation in context.

In summary, while the essay attempts to address the prompt with relevant ideas, significant improvements in grammatical range and accuracy are necessary to achieve a higher band score. Focusing on diversifying sentence structures and enhancing grammatical precision will lead to clearer and more effective communication of ideas.

Bài sửa mẫu

Young criminality is an increasingly serious topic in many nations around the world; this trend leads to numerous consequences that influence the lives and safety of people. The primary causes of this issue are the lack of attention from parents and the rising harmful content on the Internet. This occurrence can be solved with the right solutions written in this essay.

Less parental supervision can create more leisure time for children, exposing them to the wrong conceptions. This frequent parental absence gives teenagers more chances to play violent games online for relaxation and gradually become addicted, which creates a misguided understanding of bullying and violence. The youth, therefore, think that violence can be used as a means to solve daily conflicts, resulting in a high crime rate among the young. To tackle this, parents should balance the amount of time spent on work and on education for their children by teaching them about the law, courtesy, and gentle problem-solving. Mindful of the wrong awareness in their children, parents could provide appropriate adjustments and guide them towards legal behaviors.

Another important reason behind this problem is the unsensored, ubiquitous content on the Internet. Because of the mounting violent subjects in both audio and written media, children are easily exposed to these harmful words and speeches without distinguishing between right and wrong. For example, juvenile Internet users join antisocial clubs on Facebook and are enticed to participate in gang groups, later becoming teenage gang members. The solution is for guardians to keep track of the unsuitable content that young people have accessed and install age-appropriate filters on platforms.

In conclusion, the causes of juvenile delinquency are the lack of parental care and the uncontrolled content on the Internet. Although this issue is negative in many aspects of life, it can be tackled by increased parental supervision and spending more time with their children.