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In schools and universities, girls tend to choose arts while boys like science. What are the reasons for this trend and do you think this tendency should be changed?

In schools and universities, girls tend to choose arts while boys like science. What are the reasons for this trend and do you think this tendency should be changed?

In art-related fields in schools and universities, there are more girls than boys, while science subjects see a contrast pattern. This trend is derived from human nature for a long time and, personally, this should be remained.
The primary factor leading to this tendency is human nature. Girls tend to keen on people and feelings than things surrouding them. Additionally, girls are likely to be more creative, as a result, they are more interested in arts, where they are freely being creative and study more about human and the relationship between human and feeling. On the other hand, when being a child, boys were curious about toys like cars, robots, and something like this. Moreover, when being older, they show their preference for science subjects, where they can learn more about things in the world, even in the universe. For these reasons, human nature is believed to contribute to this tendency in educational institution nowdays.
This tendency has been existed in our society for a long time and this trend should not be changed. For the first reason, girl or boy, whenever they choose an area to specialize in, this is based on not only by their nature, but also their preference and demand. Consequently, this should not be changed anyways. Secondly, this trend does not have an impact on the overall development of the society, so that it is optional for them to choose what they’d like to specilize in. For instace, that a girl or a boy chooses to study art does not affect on the overall advancement of art.
In conclusion, the trend girls are likely to choose arts and boys have their priority over sciences is attributed to human nature and this should not be changed in anyway.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "This trend is derived from human nature for a long time and, personally, this should be remained."
    -> "This trend has been shaped by human nature over an extended period, and, personally, it should be maintained."
    Explanation: Replacing "derived" with "shaped" and restructuring the sentence improves precision and formality. Additionally, "should be remained" is corrected to "should be maintained" for grammatical accuracy.

  2. "Girls tend to keen on people and feelings than things surrouding them."
    -> "Girls tend to be more attuned to people and emotions than to things surrounding them."
    Explanation: The phrase "tend to keen on" is simplified to "tend to be more attuned to," and the sentence is rephrased for better clarity and formality. The word "surrouding" is corrected to "surrounding" for accuracy.

  3. "Additionally, girls are likely to be more creative, as a result, they are more interested in arts, where they are freely being creative and study more about human and the relationship between human and feeling."
    -> "Additionally, girls are often more creative; consequently, they are more interested in the arts, where they can freely express their creativity and delve into the study of humanity and the relationships between humans and emotions."
    Explanation: The sentence is refined for conciseness and clarity. The phrase "as a result" is replaced with "consequently" for a more formal transition. "Freely being creative" is revised to "freely express their creativity," and the structure is improved for coherence.

  4. "when being a child, boys were curious about toys like cars, robots, and something like this."
    -> "In childhood, boys were curious about toys such as cars, robots, and similar items."
    Explanation: "When being a child" is revised to "In childhood" for a more formal expression. The phrase "something like this" is replaced with "similar items" for specificity and formality.

  5. "For these reasons, human nature is believed to contribute to this tendency in educational institution nowdays."
    -> "For these reasons, human nature is believed to contribute to this trend in educational institutions nowadays."
    Explanation: "Tendency in educational institution nowadays" is corrected to "trend in educational institutions nowadays" for grammatical accuracy. The phrase is refined for precision.

  6. "This tendency has been existed in our society for a long time and this trend should not be changed."
    -> "This trend has existed in our society for a long time, and it should not be changed."
    Explanation: The phrase "This tendency has been existed" is corrected to "This trend has existed," and the sentence is restructured for better flow and clarity.

  7. "girl or boy, whenever they choose an area to specialize in, this is based on not only by their nature, but also their preference and demand."
    -> "Whether a girl or boy chooses an area to specialize in, this decision is based not only on their nature but also on their preferences and demands."
    Explanation: The sentence is rephrased for clarity and formality. The phrase "not only by their nature, but also their preference and demand" is revised to "not only on their nature but also on their preferences and demands" for better structure.

  8. "so that it is optional for them to choose what they’d like to specilize in."
    -> "thus, it is optional for them to choose what they would like to specialize in."
    Explanation: "So that" is replaced with "thus" for a more formal transition, and "they’d" is expanded to "they would" for grammatical accuracy.

  9. "For instace, that a girl or a boy chooses to study art does not affect on the overall advancement of art."
    -> "For example, the choice of a girl or a boy to study art does not affect the overall advancement of the discipline."
    Explanation: "For instace" is corrected to "For example," and the phrase "affect on" is replaced with "affect the" for accuracy. The sentence is refined for clarity and formality.

  10. "the trend girls are likely to choose arts and boys have their priority over sciences is attributed to human nature and this should not be changed in anyway."
    -> "The trend where girls are more likely to choose arts, and boys prioritize sciences, is attributed to human nature and should not be changed in any way."
    Explanation: The sentence is restructured for better clarity and formality. The phrase "girls are likely to choose arts and boys have their priority over sciences" is refined to "girls are more likely to choose arts, and boys prioritize sciences" for improved precision.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses the prompt by discussing the reasons behind the trend of girls choosing arts and boys opting for science in schools and universities. It also provides a clear stance on whether this tendency should be changed.
    • How to improve: While the essay covers the main points, it could benefit from a more detailed exploration of the reasons, possibly by providing specific examples or expanding on certain aspects of the argument.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent position throughout, stating that the trend is derived from human nature and should not be changed. The position is clear and easy to identify.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, consider rephrasing certain sentences to avoid ambiguity and reinforce the central argument.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas regarding human nature influencing career choices, with examples related to girls’ preference for people and boys’ interest in things. However, the development of these ideas is somewhat limited.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the essay, provide more elaboration on each point, offer additional examples or counterarguments, and ensure a more thorough exploration of the reasons behind the trend.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, addressing the reasons for the trend and expressing a clear stance. However, some sentences are less directly related to the main argument.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, review each paragraph to ensure all sentences directly contribute to the discussion. Remove any content that may be tangential or less relevant to the main points.

Overall, the essay effectively addresses the prompt, presenting a coherent argument on why girls tend to choose arts and boys prefer science in educational institutions. To improve, the writer should aim for a more detailed exploration of ideas and ensure that all content directly contributes to the central argument. Additionally, reinforcing the clarity of the position and providing further examples or elaboration can enhance the overall strength of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a reasonable level of logical organization. It begins with a clear introduction outlining the trend and the author’s stance. The body paragraphs present arguments in support of the trend, backed by the notion of human nature. However, there’s room for improvement in the structure, as the essay lacks a clear division between body paragraphs, making the progression less evident.

    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider structuring body paragraphs more explicitly. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting details and examples. This will create a more organized and cohesive essay.

  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs, but the structure could be refined for better effectiveness. The transition between ideas is somewhat abrupt, and the lack of distinct topic sentences in some paragraphs makes it challenging for the reader to follow the argument coherently.

    • How to improve: Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea. Develop the paragraph with supporting details and examples, and use transitions to guide the reader from one point to the next. This will enhance the overall structure and make the essay more reader-friendly.

  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes some cohesive devices, such as transition words like "additionally" and "moreover." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the use of cohesive devices. Some paragraphs lack effective transitions, leading to a somewhat choppy reading experience.

    • How to improve: Expand the repertoire of cohesive devices, including not only transitional words but also pronouns, parallelism, and other coherence-building techniques. Ensure that each paragraph logically connects to the preceding and succeeding ones, creating a smoother and more cohesive narrative.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied words, but some phrases are repetitive, affecting the overall variety. For example, the repeated use of "human nature" could be replaced with more diverse expressions.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, the writer should explore synonyms and alternative expressions. For instance, instead of frequently using "human nature," consider employing terms like "innate tendencies," "instincts," or "inherent qualities" to avoid redundancy.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The vocabulary usage is generally clear, but there are instances where the choice of words could be more precise. For example, in the sentence, "girls tend to keen on people and feelings than things surrounding them," the phrase "keen on" might be more precisely replaced with "focus on" or "show a greater interest in."
    • How to improve: The writer should pay attention to precision in language use. Replacing vague or broad terms with more specific ones will contribute to a clearer and more refined expression of ideas. For instance, in the context of interest, using terms like "incline towards" or "display a penchant for" can add nuance.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a fair level of spelling accuracy. However, there are some notable errors, such as "surrouding" instead of "surrounding" and "specilize" instead of "specialize."
    • How to improve: Proofreading is crucial to catch spelling errors. The writer should take the time to carefully review the essay before submission, focusing on common spelling mistakes. Additionally, using spelling and grammar tools can provide helpful assistance in identifying and correcting errors.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a decent command of vocabulary, there is room for improvement in terms of variety and precision. Attention to spelling accuracy through thorough proofreading and the use of language enhancement tools is recommended for refining the overall lexical resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly employs basic sentence structures, such as simple and compound sentences. While it includes a variety of sentence types, including declarative and explanatory sentences, there is a lack of more complex structures, such as complex and compound-complex sentences. This limits the essay’s overall sentence structure diversity.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating complex sentences with dependent and independent clauses. For example, instead of relying on straightforward statements, experiment with sentences that present contrasting ideas, provide additional details, or show causal relationships.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays some grammatical errors and punctuation issues that impact clarity. For instance, there are errors in subject-verb agreement (e.g., "girls tend to keen on people") and awkward phrasing (e.g., "things surrouding them"). Punctuation is inconsistently used, with instances of missing commas and unnecessary ones, affecting the flow of the text.
    • How to improve: Proofread the essay carefully to identify and correct grammatical errors, paying special attention to subject-verb agreement. Ensure proper punctuation usage, including commas for clarity and coherence. Consider seeking feedback from others to gain insights into areas of improvement, and practice incorporating corrections into your writing.

In summary, while the essay effectively communicates its ideas, there is room for improvement in both sentence structure variety and grammatical accuracy. Expanding sentence complexity and refining grammar and punctuation will contribute to a more polished and sophisticated piece of writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In schools and universities, a noticeable pattern emerges where girls often gravitate towards arts, while boys show a preference for science-related subjects. This trend, deeply rooted in human nature over an extended period, is something I believe should be maintained.

The primary driver behind this inclination is human nature itself. Girls, by nature, tend to be more attuned to people and emotions rather than the things surrounding them. Moreover, their innate creativity leads them to find a fulfilling outlet in the arts. This allows them the freedom to express their creativity and explore the intricate dynamics of human relationships and emotions. Conversely, in their childhood, boys exhibit a curiosity for toys such as cars, robots, and similar items, which later translates into a preference for science subjects as they grow older. Science provides them the opportunity to delve into the study of things in the world, including the vast universe.

This trend, deeply rooted in human nature, has persisted in educational institutions for a significant duration, and I argue that it should not be altered. Regardless of whether a girl or a boy chooses a specific area of specialization, this decision is influenced not only by their nature but also by their individual preferences and demands. Therefore, the freedom to choose should be maintained. Importantly, the choices made by individuals do not hinder the overall development of society. For instance, a girl or a boy opting to study art does not impede the progress of the discipline as a whole.

In conclusion, the trend where girls show a propensity for arts and boys lean towards sciences is a reflection of human nature. It has stood the test of time and should not be changed. The choices individuals make in their areas of specialization should be respected, as they are influenced by a combination of their inherent nature, preferences, and demands. This harmonious coexistence of diverse preferences contributes to the rich tapestry of educational pursuits.

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