In schools and universities, girls tend to choose arts while boys like science. What are the reasons for this trend? Do you think this tendency should be changed?

In schools and universities, girls tend to choose arts while boys like science.
What are the reasons for this trend? Do you think this tendency should be changed?

Some individuals believe that in both schools and colleges, students tend to choose subjects by their gender; for example, girls choose arts while boys enjoy science. In my view, I believe that people should change this mindset.

Firstly, I believe that some previous generations still think that personality depends on gender. However, it is clear that nowadays, youngsters have enough knowledge and ability to choose whatever they want instead of following old-fashioned ways. In the past, when people believed that women could not do science as well as men, many women scientists provided numerous valuable inventions for human improvement, while there were painters and singers who were very famous men. For example, Marie Curie, a woman scientist, had many valuable discoveries about radium, which is a dangerous poison but was commonly used in daily life until Marie Curie discovered its dangers. While Leonardo Da Vinci was a legendary painter, famous for his talent in both art and science.

Secondly, the mindset that girls tend to choose arts while boys choose science can have a negative impact on the development of young children, as it can put a huge pressure on them. Most youngsters cannot choose and follow their dreams because their parents believe that their gender is not suitable for this choice. Furthermore, the study pressure on children is very large currently, especially for students who do not have the interest and ability to study science, which are compulsory subjects in school. For example, in China last year, a young boy chose to commit suicide when his parents forced him to study science and destroyed all his instruments, despite his desire to be an artist; his family has regretted this action for the rest of their lives.

In conclusion, I believe that this is a dangerous thing, because gender equality nowadays gives all people the right to choose whatever they want to do, regardless of whether they are boys or girls.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Some individuals believe" -> "Some scholars argue"
   Explanation: Replacing "Some individuals believe" with "Some scholars argue" elevates the formality and specificity of the statement, aligning it better with academic discourse.

2. "tend to choose subjects by their gender" -> "often select subjects based on gender stereotypes"
   Explanation: "Select subjects based on gender stereotypes" is more precise and academically appropriate, as it explicitly addresses the issue of stereotyping.

3. "girls choose arts while boys enjoy science" -> "girls tend to opt for arts, whereas boys often prefer science"
   Explanation: "Tend to opt for" and "often prefer" are more formal and precise than "choose" and "enjoy," which are somewhat informal and vague.

4. "I believe that people should change this mindset" -> "It is imperative that this mindset be altered"
   Explanation: "It is imperative that this mindset be altered" uses a more formal and assertive tone, suitable for academic writing.

5. "some previous generations still think" -> "certain previous generations continue to believe"
   Explanation: "Continue to believe" is more specific and formal than "still think," which is somewhat colloquial.

6. "youngsters have enough knowledge and ability" -> "young individuals possess sufficient knowledge and capabilities"
   Explanation: "Young individuals possess sufficient knowledge and capabilities" uses more formal vocabulary and avoids the colloquial "youngsters."

7. "following old-fashioned ways" -> "adhering to outdated conventions"
   Explanation: "Adhering to outdated conventions" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style better than "following old-fashioned ways."

8. "many women scientists provided numerous valuable inventions" -> "numerous female scientists have made significant contributions to various inventions"
   Explanation: "Numerous female scientists have made significant contributions to various inventions" is more precise and avoids the vague "provided numerous valuable inventions."

9. "a legendary painter, famous for his talent in both art and science" -> "a renowned artist celebrated for his multifaceted talents in both art and science"
   Explanation: "Renowned artist celebrated for his multifaceted talents" is more formal and accurately describes Leonardo Da Vinci’s diverse skills.

10. "the mindset that girls tend to choose arts while boys choose science" -> "the prevailing notion that girls often opt for arts and boys for science"
    Explanation: "The prevailing notion that girls often opt for arts and boys for science" is more formal and avoids the simplistic "choose."

11. "can put a huge pressure on them" -> "can exert significant pressure on them"
    Explanation: "Exert significant pressure" is a more formal expression than "put a huge pressure."

12. "Most youngsters cannot choose and follow their dreams" -> "Many young individuals often struggle to pursue their aspirations"
    Explanation: "Many young individuals often struggle to pursue their aspirations" is more formal and avoids the colloquial "cannot choose and follow their dreams."

13. "study pressure on children is very large" -> "academic pressures on children are considerable"
    Explanation: "Academic pressures on children are considerable" uses more precise and formal language.

14. "a young boy chose to commit suicide" -> "a young boy attempted suicide"
    Explanation: "Attempted suicide" is a more accurate and less sensational term than "chose to commit suicide."

15. "this is a dangerous thing" -> "this is a detrimental phenomenon"
    Explanation: "This is a detrimental phenomenon" is more formal and academically appropriate than "this is a dangerous thing."

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and academic tone of the essay, aligning it with the standards of scholarly writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt, discussing the reasons behind the gendered subject choices in education and expressing the author’s opinion that this tendency should change. The first paragraph introduces the issue, while the second provides reasons related to societal beliefs and pressures. However, the essay could benefit from a clearer distinction between the reasons for the trend and the implications of changing it, as the transition between these ideas is somewhat abrupt.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should explicitly outline the reasons for the trend in a separate section before discussing the need for change. This could involve a clearer structure that delineates the reasons in one paragraph and the implications or solutions in another.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The author maintains a clear position against the gendered subject choices, stating that this mindset should be changed. However, the use of phrases like "I believe" could be reduced to strengthen the argument’s assertiveness. The conclusion reiterates this position but lacks a strong summarization of the main points made in the body.
  • How to improve: To present a more robust position, the author should minimize repetitive phrases like "I believe" and instead use more assertive language. Additionally, summarizing the key arguments in the conclusion would reinforce the stance taken throughout the essay.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the impact of societal beliefs on subject choice and the negative consequences of gendered expectations. However, some points, like the example of Marie Curie, could be better integrated into the argument. The connection between historical examples and the current situation is somewhat tenuous, which weakens the overall support for the argument.
  • How to improve: To improve the support for ideas, the author should ensure that examples are directly tied to the argument being made. For instance, elaborating on how historical figures like Marie Curie challenge current stereotypes could strengthen the argument. Additionally, providing more contemporary examples or statistics could enhance the essay’s persuasiveness.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing gender choices in education and the implications of these choices. However, the discussion about the suicide of a young boy, while poignant, feels somewhat disconnected from the main argument about changing societal mindsets. This could distract from the central theme of the essay.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that all examples and anecdotes directly support the main argument. If using sensitive topics like suicide, it should be framed in a way that clearly ties back to the argument about the need for change in societal perceptions of gender and education.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, refining the structure, enhancing the integration of examples, and ensuring all points are tightly connected to the main thesis will help elevate the response to a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding gender-based subject choices in education. The introduction sets the stage effectively, stating the trend and the author’s viewpoint. Each paragraph logically builds on the previous one, with the first paragraph discussing societal beliefs and the second addressing the consequences of these beliefs. However, the transition between the examples of Marie Curie and Leonardo Da Vinci could be smoother to enhance the connection between the points made.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clearer topic sentences that explicitly connect the ideas within and between paragraphs. For example, when transitioning from discussing Marie Curie to Leonardo Da Vinci, a sentence that ties their contributions to the broader theme of gender roles in science and art could strengthen the connection.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay is structured into clear paragraphs, each focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The first paragraph introduces the topic, the second discusses the impact of gender stereotypes, and the conclusion summarizes the author’s stance. However, the second paragraph could be split into two: one focusing on the negative impact of gender expectations and another detailing the consequences of these pressures, which would allow for deeper exploration of each point.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph contains a single main idea supported by examples. This can be achieved by breaking down complex ideas into smaller, more digestible sections. For instance, after discussing the negative impact of societal expectations, a separate paragraph could delve into the specific case of the boy in China, providing a more focused discussion on the consequences of these pressures.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "However," and "Furthermore," which help to guide the reader through the argument. The use of examples adds clarity and supports the points made. However, there are instances where the cohesive devices could be more varied to avoid repetition and enhance the overall flow.
  • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking phrases and transitions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "Firstly" and "Secondly," you could use "In addition," "Moreover," or "On the other hand" to introduce new ideas or counterarguments. Additionally, using pronouns and synonyms can help maintain cohesion without redundancy, such as referring back to "this mindset" or "these pressures" instead of repeating phrases.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve an even higher level of coherence and cohesion, further enhancing the clarity and persuasiveness of the argument presented.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "mindset," "pressure," and "gender equality." However, the vocabulary is somewhat limited in variety and sophistication. For instance, phrases like "choose whatever they want" and "very famous men" could be expressed with more nuanced vocabulary to enhance the overall quality.
  • How to improve: To elevate the lexical resource, the writer should incorporate more varied and sophisticated vocabulary. Instead of "choose whatever they want," they might say "pursue their interests freely." Additionally, using synonyms for "famous" such as "renowned" or "illustrious" could add depth to the writing.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay contains some precise vocabulary, there are instances where word choice could lead to ambiguity or confusion. For example, the phrase "dangerous poison" is somewhat redundant, as "poison" inherently implies danger. Furthermore, the term "study pressure" could be more accurately described as "academic pressure" to convey the intended meaning more clearly.
  • How to improve: The writer should focus on selecting words that convey their intended meaning without redundancy. Practicing the use of contextually appropriate vocabulary and consulting a thesaurus can help in finding more precise terms. For example, replacing "huge pressure" with "immense pressure" would enhance clarity and precision.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, with only a few minor errors. However, the phrase "youngsters cannot choose and follow their dreams" contains a slight awkwardness that could be improved for clarity. The spelling of "scientist" and "instruments" is correct, but the overall fluency could be affected by the phrasing.
  • How to improve: To ensure spelling accuracy and fluency, the writer should proofread their work carefully. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrasing or potential spelling issues. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises or using spelling apps can reinforce correct spelling habits.

In summary, while the essay achieves a Band Score of 6 for Lexical Resource, there are clear areas for improvement. By expanding vocabulary range, enhancing precision in word choice, and ensuring spelling accuracy, the writer can work towards achieving a higher score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of complex sentences such as "However, it is clear that nowadays, youngsters have enough knowledge and ability to choose whatever they want instead of following old-fashioned ways" showcases the ability to convey nuanced ideas. However, there are some repetitive structures, particularly in the use of "I believe that," which appears multiple times and can detract from the overall variety.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied introductory phrases and clauses. For example, instead of repeatedly using "I believe that," the writer could use alternatives like "It is evident that," "One could argue that," or "Research suggests that." Additionally, integrating more conditional sentences or relative clauses could further diversify the structure.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains good grammatical accuracy, with only a few noticeable errors. For instance, the phrase "which is a dangerous poison but was commonly used in daily life" could benefit from clearer punctuation; a comma before "but" would improve clarity. Additionally, the sentence "the study pressure on children is very large currently" could be more effectively phrased as "the pressure of studying on children is currently very high" for better fluency.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on refining sentence construction and punctuation. Regular practice with grammar exercises targeting common errors, such as comma usage and sentence clarity, would be beneficial. Furthermore, proofreading the essay for awkward phrasing or unclear sentences can help catch errors before submission. Engaging in peer review or utilizing grammar-checking tools may also provide additional insights into areas needing improvement.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some individuals argue that in both schools and universities, students often select subjects based on gender stereotypes; for instance, girls tend to opt for arts, whereas boys often prefer science. In my view, it is imperative that this mindset be altered.

Firstly, certain previous generations continue to believe that personality traits depend on gender. However, it is clear that nowadays, young individuals possess sufficient knowledge and capabilities to choose whatever they desire instead of adhering to outdated conventions. In the past, when society believed that women could not excel in science as men could, numerous female scientists made significant contributions to various inventions for human advancement, while many renowned artists were celebrated male figures. For example, Marie Curie, a pioneering woman scientist, made valuable discoveries about radium, a dangerous substance that was commonly used in daily life until she revealed its hazards. Similarly, Leonardo da Vinci was a legendary artist celebrated for his multifaceted talents in both art and science.

Secondly, the prevailing notion that girls often opt for arts and boys for science can exert significant pressure on young individuals, negatively impacting their development. Many young individuals often struggle to pursue their aspirations because their parents believe that their gender is not suitable for certain choices. Furthermore, academic pressures on children are considerable, especially for those who lack interest and ability in science, which are often compulsory subjects in school. For instance, in China last year, a young boy attempted suicide when his parents forced him to study science and destroyed all his art supplies, despite his desire to be an artist; his family has regretted this action for the rest of their lives.

In conclusion, I believe that this is a detrimental phenomenon, as gender equality today grants all individuals the right to choose whatever they want to pursue, regardless of whether they are boys or girls.