In some countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that it is the responsibility of governments to solve the problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Childhood obesity and declining health have become pressing concerns in many countries. Some argue that the government bears responsibility for this issue. While I partially agree, I believe that this situation is the responsibility of the government, parents and individuals.
On one hand, governments have a vital role in mitigating children’s fitness problems. They can implement policies and legislation that promote healthy behaviors, making it easier for children to adopt a balanced lifestyle. For instance, governments can impose taxes on sugary drinks, restrict junk food advertising to children, and regulate food labeling to ensure transparency.Additionally, governments can invest in education programs that teach children about healthy eating habits, physical activity, and hygiene. This can be done through schools, community centers, and public campaigns.As a results, children will become healthier.
However, others contend that personal responsibility and parental influence play a significant role in a child's well-being.To begin with, the main factor of children’s overweight is fast foods that have high calories. Therefore, to decrease the number of overweight children, their parents have to care for and control eating fast foods. They should encourage their children to participate in sports and outdoor activities, limit screen time, and model healthy behaviors themselves. Furthermore, individuals can make conscious choices about their own diet and lifestyle. Health is the most precious asset of us and noone can take care of it better than ourselves. Thus, it's important for individuals to take full responsibility for thier own asset..
In conclusion, while the government should assume some responsibility in addressing childhood obesity,it should be balanced with recognition of parental influence and personal responsibility.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Childhood obesity and declining health have become pressing concerns" -> "Childhood obesity and declining health have emerged as pressing concerns"
Explanation: The phrase "have emerged as" is more precise and formal, enhancing the academic tone by implying a gradual development of the issues rather than a simple statement of their presence.
"Some argue" -> "Some contend"
Explanation: "Contend" is a more formal synonym for "argue," which is more suitable for academic writing.
"I partially agree" -> "I concur partially"
Explanation: "Concur partially" is a more formal expression that maintains the nuance of partial agreement while enhancing the academic tone.
"On one hand" -> "On the one hand"
Explanation: "On the one hand" is the correct idiomatic expression for introducing contrasting ideas in formal writing.
"vital role" -> "crucial role"
Explanation: "Crucial" is a more precise and formal adjective than "vital" in this context, emphasizing the importance of the government’s role.
"making it easier for children to adopt a balanced lifestyle" -> "facilitating children’s adoption of a balanced lifestyle"
Explanation: "Facilitating" is a more precise verb that conveys the active role of the government in enabling healthy behaviors.
"As a results" -> "As a result"
Explanation: "As a result" is the correct form of the phrase, which is used to indicate the consequence of something.
"the main factor of children’s overweight" -> "the primary factor contributing to children’s obesity"
Explanation: "The primary factor contributing to children’s obesity" is more precise and formal, correcting the grammatical error and using the correct term "obesity."
"to decrease the number of overweight children" -> "to reduce the prevalence of childhood obesity"
Explanation: "Reduce the prevalence of childhood obesity" is a more precise and formal way to describe the goal, using "prevalence" to denote the frequency of the issue.
"their parents have to care for and control eating fast foods" -> "parents must monitor and regulate their children’s consumption of fast foods"
Explanation: "Monitor and regulate" are more specific and formal terms than "care for and control," and "consumption" is the correct term for the act of eating.
"noone" -> "nobody"
Explanation: "Nobody" is the correct spelling of the word, which is used to refer to no person.
"take full responsibility for thier own asset" -> "assume full responsibility for their own health"
Explanation: "Assume full responsibility for their own health" corrects the spelling error and uses a more precise and relevant term than "asset," which is vague and inappropriate in this context.
"it should be balanced with recognition of parental influence and personal responsibility" -> "it should be balanced by acknowledging parental influence and individual responsibility"
Explanation: "Acknowledging" is a more formal verb than "recognizing," and "individual" is more precise than "personal" in this context, enhancing the academic tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the role of the government and the responsibilities of parents and individuals in tackling childhood obesity. The introduction clearly states a partial agreement, which is relevant to the question. The body paragraphs effectively explore the government’s role in implementing policies and the importance of personal and parental responsibility. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit discussion on the extent of agreement or disagreement, as the phrase "I partially agree" lacks depth in terms of the extent of this agreement.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should clarify the extent of their agreement or disagreement with the statement. This could involve explicitly stating how much responsibility they believe the government should take compared to parents and individuals, perhaps by providing a more nuanced argument or a scale of responsibility.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that recognizes both government and personal responsibility. However, it occasionally wavers, particularly in the conclusion, where the phrasing "should assume some responsibility" could be interpreted as ambiguous. The essay does a good job of presenting arguments for both sides, but the position could be more assertively stated.
- How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, the writer should consistently emphasize their stance throughout the essay. Using phrases like "I firmly believe" or "It is crucial that" can help reinforce their viewpoint. Additionally, the conclusion should succinctly restate their position in a decisive manner, clarifying the balance of responsibility they advocate.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents relevant ideas and supports them with examples, such as government interventions like taxes on sugary drinks and parental responsibilities regarding children’s diets. However, some points could be more thoroughly developed. For instance, while the essay mentions the importance of education programs, it does not elaborate on how these programs could be effectively implemented or their potential impact.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations. For instance, they could describe specific educational programs or initiatives that have been successful in other countries. Additionally, incorporating statistics or studies related to childhood obesity could lend more credibility and depth to the arguments.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the responsibilities of the government, parents, and individuals regarding childhood obesity. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly focused. For example, the mention of "screen time" feels slightly tangential and could be better integrated into the overall argument about personal responsibility.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points directly relate back to the main argument about responsibility for childhood obesity. They could refine their points to ensure that each one clearly ties back to the central theme of the essay. Additionally, using topic sentences that explicitly connect back to the prompt can help keep the discussion aligned with the task.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, but it would benefit from clearer articulation of the position, more detailed examples, and tighter focus on the prompt.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the main argument and the positions taken. The body paragraphs are organized into two distinct viewpoints: the role of the government and the role of parents and individuals. This logical division helps the reader follow the argument. However, the transition between the two perspectives could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing government responsibilities to parental influence feels abrupt, lacking a clear linking sentence that would better guide the reader through the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases to connect ideas between paragraphs. For example, a sentence like "While government action is crucial, the role of parents cannot be overlooked" could serve as a bridge between the two perspectives. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea will help reinforce the organization.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, making it easier for the reader to digest the information. However, there are some issues with paragraphing, particularly in the second body paragraph, where the ideas about parental responsibility and individual choices could be more distinctly separated. The lack of a clear topic sentence in the second paragraph also makes it less effective.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph begins with a strong topic sentence that clearly states the main idea. For the second body paragraph, consider splitting it into two distinct paragraphs: one focusing on parental responsibilities and the other on individual choices. This will help clarify the argument and improve the overall structure.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "On one hand," "However," and "Furthermore," which help to connect ideas and indicate shifts in the argument. However, the essay could benefit from a wider variety of cohesive devices to enhance the flow and clarity of the writing. For instance, the phrase "As a result" is used, but it could be complemented with other devices like "In addition," "Conversely," or "For example" to provide more depth to the connections between ideas.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, practice incorporating a range of linking words and phrases that indicate contrast, addition, and examples. For instance, using "Moreover" to introduce additional points or "In contrast" to highlight opposing views can enrich the essay’s cohesion. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used appropriately and do not disrupt the flow of the argument.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary related to the topic of childhood obesity and health. Terms such as "mitigating," "policies," "balanced lifestyle," and "transparency" indicate a good grasp of relevant vocabulary. However, the essay tends to rely on common phrases and lacks more varied expressions that could enhance the argument. For example, the phrase "healthy behaviors" is repeated without variation, which could be improved by using synonyms or related terms.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more sophisticated phrases. For instance, instead of repeating "healthy behaviors," alternatives like "nutritional practices," "wellness habits," or "health-conscious choices" could be used. Additionally, exploring more complex vocabulary related to government policies and personal responsibility would enrich the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay includes some precise vocabulary, such as "obesity," "fitness problems," and "transparency." However, there are instances of imprecise usage that could lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "the main factor of children’s overweight" is awkward; it would be clearer to say "the main factor contributing to childhood obesity." Additionally, the phrase "their parents have to care for and control eating fast foods" could be more effectively expressed as "parents must monitor and regulate their children’s consumption of fast food."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and correctness in phrasing. Reviewing sentences for awkward constructions and replacing them with clearer alternatives would enhance understanding. Furthermore, using terms that directly relate to the context (e.g., "monitoring dietary habits" instead of "control eating fast foods") would improve precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that detract from its overall quality. For instance, "noone" should be "no one," and "thier" is a misspelling of "their." Additionally, "As a results" should be corrected to "As a result." These errors indicate a need for careful proofreading.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading strategy before finalizing the essay. This could include reading the essay aloud to catch errors, using spell-check tools, or asking a peer to review the work. Additionally, practicing spelling common words and phrases related to the topic can help reduce mistakes in future essays.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and employs relevant vocabulary, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy are necessary to achieve a higher band score in Lexical Resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences such as "While I partially agree, I believe that this situation is the responsibility of the government, parents and individuals." This structure effectively introduces the writer’s position. Additionally, the use of conditional clauses, such as "If the government implements policies, children will become healthier," showcases the ability to express hypothetical situations. However, there is a tendency to rely on similar sentence patterns, particularly in the second paragraph, where several sentences begin with "They can" or "Governments can." This repetition can make the writing feel monotonous.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more introductory phrases, such as "In addition to government action," or "Another important aspect to consider is…" This would help to create a more dynamic flow. Additionally, varying the placement of clauses (e.g., starting with an adverbial clause) can add complexity and interest to the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that detract from clarity. For example, the phrase "As a results" should be corrected to "As a result." Additionally, the sentence "Health is the most precious asset of us and noone can take care of it better than ourselves" contains a grammatical error; "noone" should be written as "no one," and the phrase "of us" is awkward and could be rephrased to "to us." Punctuation issues are also present, such as the lack of a space after commas in "transparency.Additionally" and "obesity,it."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully proofread the essay for common errors, particularly with contractions and spacing. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can also help identify mistakes. Furthermore, practicing writing complex sentences with correct punctuation will enhance overall clarity. For instance, ensuring that commas are correctly placed before conjunctions and after introductory phrases will improve the essay’s readability.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a commendable level of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Childhood obesity and declining health have become pressing concerns in many countries. Some argue that the government bears responsibility for this issue. While I concur partially, I believe that this situation is the responsibility of the government, parents, and individuals.

On the one hand, governments have a crucial role in mitigating children’s fitness problems. They can implement policies and legislation that promote healthy behaviors, making it easier for children to adopt a balanced lifestyle. For instance, governments can impose taxes on sugary drinks, restrict junk food advertising to children, and regulate food labeling to ensure transparency. Additionally, governments can invest in education programs that teach children about healthy eating habits, physical activity, and hygiene. This can be done through schools, community centers, and public campaigns. As a result, children will become healthier.

However, others contend that personal responsibility and parental influence play a significant role in a child’s well-being. To begin with, the primary factor contributing to children’s obesity is fast food that has high calories. Therefore, to reduce the prevalence of childhood obesity, their parents must monitor and regulate their children’s consumption of fast foods. They should encourage their children to participate in sports and outdoor activities, limit screen time, and model healthy behaviors themselves. Furthermore, individuals can make conscious choices about their own diet and lifestyle. Health is the most precious asset we have, and nobody can take care of it better than ourselves. Thus, it’s important for individuals to assume full responsibility for their own health.

In conclusion, while the government should assume some responsibility in addressing childhood obesity, it should be balanced by acknowledging parental influence and individual responsibility.