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In some countries, even though the rates of serious crimes are decreasing, people feel less safe than ever before. What do you think are the causes of this problem and what measures could be taken to solve it?

In some countries, even though the rates of serious crimes are decreasing, people feel less safe than ever before. What do you think are the causes of this problem and what measures could be taken to solve it?

In some nations, although the number of serious offences is declining, individuals still feel unsafe. The primary reasons for this are that there is constant coverage of crimes in the media, and people are still obsessed with terrible crimes that happened in the past. The solution to this problem is for the government to introduce laws to restrict information about crimes in the media and to fund mental health schemes for people who are affected.

The main cause of people feeling insecure is that news outlets increasingly broadcast information about serious offences on TV. This heightens the fears among people in society and makes them feel that they are always in danger, even if crime rates are dropping. Moreover, horrible crimes that happened in the past still exist in the public’s minds. This is because the magnitude of these crimes and the impact they had on individuals and communities cannot be easily forgotten. For example, in 2022, Vietnam recorded a serious crime where the perpetrator chopped the body of the victim into many pieces and threw it in the river far away from the scene of the crime.

The measure to enhance this phenomenon is that the government should enact strict legislation to limit news related to crimes on TV and other media platforms. This is because when people are no longer exposed to this kind of news, they are more likely to feel relaxed and comfortable. Also, the government ought to provide financial aid for mental health treatment programmes to help affected people. This encourages them to come and receive appropriate treatment from professional doctors, which allows people to feel more secure. For example, in 2022 in Vietnam, a government-funded mental health programme successfully reduced the percentage of people affected by crimes by 2% and this figure is expected to rise.

In conclusion, the wide presence of information regarding crimes and unforgettable memories of terrible crimes are considered to be the main reasons for people feeling less safe. The government should take the responsibility to tackle this problem by implementing a law to ban some crimes from being reported in the media and giving monetary support to mental health programs.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "individuals still feel unsafe" -> "individuals still experience a sense of insecurity"
    Explanation: Replacing "feel unsafe" with "experience a sense of insecurity" adds a level of formality and precision to the statement, aligning with academic style.

  2. "obsessed with terrible crimes" -> "preoccupied with heinous crimes"
    Explanation: Substituting "obsessed with terrible crimes" with "preoccupied with heinous crimes" introduces a more sophisticated expression, contributing to a more formal tone.

  3. "solution to this problem" -> "remedy for this issue"
    Explanation: Changing "solution to this problem" to "remedy for this issue" enhances the formality of the language without sacrificing clarity.

  4. "introduce laws to restrict" -> "enact legislation to regulate"
    Explanation: Replacing "introduce laws to restrict" with "enact legislation to regulate" elevates the language, using more formal terms suitable for an academic context.

  5. "broadcast information about serious offences" -> "disseminate information regarding major criminal incidents"
    Explanation: Substituting "broadcast information about serious offences" with "disseminate information regarding major criminal incidents" provides a more precise and formal description.

  6. "heightens the fears among people" -> "exacerbates apprehensions within the populace"
    Explanation: Changing "heightens the fears among people" to "exacerbates apprehensions within the populace" introduces a more formal expression while maintaining clarity.

  7. "horrible crimes" -> "heinous crimes"
    Explanation: Replacing "horrible crimes" with "heinous crimes" contributes to a more advanced and formal vocabulary, enhancing the overall academic tone.

  8. "exist in the public’s minds" -> "linger in the collective consciousness"
    Explanation: Substituting "exist in the public’s minds" with "linger in the collective consciousness" provides a more formal and nuanced expression for academic writing.

  9. "the magnitude of these crimes" -> "the severity of these offenses"
    Explanation: Changing "the magnitude of these crimes" to "the severity of these offenses" offers a more precise and academically appropriate term.

  10. "chopped the body of the victim into many pieces" -> "dismembered the victim"
    Explanation: Replacing "chopped the body of the victim into many pieces" with "dismembered the victim" uses a more formal and specific term for describing the crime.

  11. "measure to enhance this phenomenon" -> "approach to address this issue"
    Explanation: Substituting "measure to enhance this phenomenon" with "approach to address this issue" maintains formality while clarifying the intended meaning.

  12. "enact strict legislation" -> "implement stringent regulations"
    Explanation: Changing "enact strict legislation" to "implement stringent regulations" introduces more formal and precise language suitable for academic discourse.

  13. "no longer exposed to this kind of news" -> "no longer subjected to such news coverage"
    Explanation: Replacing "no longer exposed to this kind of news" with "no longer subjected to such news coverage" enhances formality and clarity in the expression.

  14. "government ought to" -> "government should"
    Explanation: Substituting "government ought to" with "government should" is a more direct and concise phrasing, aligning with formal writing conventions.

  15. "financial aid for mental health treatment programmes" -> "financial assistance for mental health intervention programs"
    Explanation: Changing "financial aid for mental health treatment programmes" to "financial assistance for mental health intervention programs" offers a more formal and detailed expression.

  16. "encourages them to come" -> "motivates them to seek"
    Explanation: Replacing "encourages them to come" with "motivates them to seek" introduces a more formal and action-oriented term.

  17. "percentage of people affected by crimes" -> "incidence of individuals impacted by criminal activities"
    Explanation: Substituting "percentage of people affected by crimes" with "incidence of individuals impacted by criminal activities" adds precision and formality to the statement.

  18. "figure is expected to rise" -> "percentage is anticipated to increase"
    Explanation: Changing "figure is expected to rise" to "percentage is anticipated to increase" provides a more specific and formal expression in the academic context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses the causes of people feeling less safe despite decreasing crime rates and proposes measures to mitigate this issue. It identifies two primary causes: media coverage of crimes and the lingering impact of past heinous offenses. Additionally, it suggests implementing laws to restrict crime-related information in the media and supporting mental health programs as solutions.
    • How to improve: To enhance this section, consider expanding on the impact of media sensationalism. Dive deeper into how the continuous coverage of crimes affects people’s perceptions of safety. Also, connect the proposed solutions more explicitly to the causes outlined, emphasizing how these measures directly address the identified issues.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent stance, attributing the feeling of insecurity to media coverage and past crimes throughout the essay. It presents a clear viewpoint that these factors contribute significantly to people feeling unsafe.
    • How to improve: Strengthen the coherence by ensuring each paragraph reinforces the main argument. Provide smoother transitions between ideas to solidify the essay’s logical flow and reinforce the central stance.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents and elaborates on two causes: media coverage and the lasting impact of past crimes. It provides examples to support these causes, citing a specific crime in Vietnam. Furthermore, it elaborates on proposed solutions, mentioning legislation and financial aid for mental health programs.
    • How to improve: Enhance the development of ideas by offering more diverse examples or statistics that illustrate the widespread impact of media coverage on public perception. Moreover, delve deeper into the effectiveness of mental health programs and potential challenges in implementing them to strengthen the argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay largely remains focused on the topic of why people feel unsafe despite decreasing crime rates. It discusses the causes and solutions related to this issue.
    • How to improve: Maintain strict relevance to the prompt by ensuring every point and example directly connects to the causes of people feeling unsafe and the suggested measures to address this concern.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and offers coherent explanations for the causes and potential solutions. Strengthening the depth of analysis, providing more diverse supporting evidence, and ensuring seamless connections between ideas can elevate the essay to a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the problem and solution. However, there is a slight lack of clarity in the first sentence of the second paragraph, making it necessary to read further to fully understand the point about constant media coverage. The example provided about a crime in Vietnam is relevant but could be more smoothly integrated into the overall argument.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider refining the transitions between sentences and paragraphs for a smoother flow of ideas. Ensure that each example directly supports the main point of the paragraph.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each one addressing a specific aspect of the problem or solution. However, the second paragraph could benefit from a clearer topic sentence to guide the reader and improve overall coherence. Additionally, the connection between the example in the second paragraph and the main argument could be strengthened.
    • How to improve: Begin each paragraph with a strong, clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea. Make sure that the evidence and examples provided within each paragraph directly support the topic sentence and contribute to the overall argument.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses a variety of cohesive devices, such as transition words (e.g., "moreover," "for example") and pronouns ("this," "these"). However, some transitions could be more refined for smoother connections between sentences and ideas. The use of cohesive devices generally contributes to coherence but could be more diverse.
    • How to improve: Pay careful attention to the use of transitions, ensuring they create clear connections between ideas. Consider incorporating a wider range of cohesive devices, such as synonyms, parallel structures, and varied sentence structures, to enhance overall cohesion.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a generally logical organization, effective use of paragraphs, and a range of cohesive devices, there is room for improvement in refining transitions, clarifying topic sentences, and diversifying cohesive devices. These enhancements will contribute to a more cohesive and coherent essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied words, such as "offences" instead of crimes, "magnitude" instead of severity, and "enact" instead of implement. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the vocabulary further, particularly in the introduction and conclusion.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, try incorporating synonyms and more advanced vocabulary. For instance, in the introduction, instead of "individuals," consider using "citizens" or "residents." In the conclusion, explore alternative phrases to "wide presence of information," such as "ubiquity of crime-related information."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with moderate precision. However, there are instances where the choice of words could be more precise. For example, using "heightens the fears" could be refined to "exacerbates anxieties." Additionally, the phrase "broadcast information about serious offences on TV" might benefit from a more specific term for "broadcast."
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, consider using more nuanced and contextually fitting words. For instance, instead of "broadcast," use "portray" or "depict" to capture the idea of presenting information on TV. Choose words that convey your intended meaning with greater accuracy.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling is generally accurate throughout the essay, with no major issues noted. However, there are a few instances where sentence structure and word choice could be refined for better coherence and clarity.
    • How to improve: Continue to maintain the high level of spelling accuracy. Additionally, focus on refining sentence structure and word choice for improved coherence. For instance, in the sentence "This encourages them to come and receive appropriate treatment," consider rephrasing for smoother flow, such as "This incentivizes individuals to seek and undergo appropriate treatment."

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary and spelling. To elevate the lexical resource score, aim for greater variety and precision in word choice, ensuring that each word contributes precisely to the intended meaning.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits decent structural variety, employing a mix of complex and simple sentence structures. However, there’s room for enhancement in incorporating more diverse sentence types, such as compound-complex sentences or conditional structures. The essay primarily relies on straightforward sentence structures, occasionally utilizing more complex ones, like the sentence starting with "Moreover."
    • How to improve: To enrich the essay’s structural diversity, try incorporating a wider range of sentence types. Experiment with compound sentences by combining related ideas and consider integrating conditional sentences to express hypothetical situations. Varying the sentence length and employing rhetorical devices like parallelism or inversion can add depth and complexity to your writing.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a good command of grammar. However, there are minor instances of inaccuracies, like the phrase "is that news outlets increasingly broadcast information." The correct verb tense should be "is that news outlets are increasingly broadcasting information."
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreements, tenses, and the usage of articles. Consistently review your sentences to ensure proper conjugation and precise expression of actions occurring at specific times. Consider reviewing complex sentence structures to ensure they maintain grammatical correctness throughout.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally used correctly throughout the essay. Commas are appropriately placed in most instances to separate ideas or items in a series. However, there’s a minor omission in the sentence: "The solution to this problem is for the government to introduce laws to restrict information about crimes in the media and to fund mental health schemes for people who are affected." A comma after "media" would improve clarity.
    • How to improve: Continue practicing the correct use of commas in complex sentences, especially when separating independent clauses or before conjunctions like "and" to avoid run-on sentences. Additionally, review the use of punctuation marks like semicolons and colons to add variety and precision to your writing.

Overall, this essay displays a commendable grasp of grammar and punctuation. To elevate your score further, focus on diversifying sentence structures, refining complex grammatical constructions, and paying meticulous attention to punctuation details. Keep practicing and incorporating varied sentence types to enhance the richness and complexity of your writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In certain countries, despite a decline in serious offenses, individuals still experience a sense of insecurity. This issue stems from the persistent coverage of crimes in the media and the lingering impact of heinous crimes in collective consciousness. To address this, it is imperative for the government to enact legislation to regulate the dissemination of information about major criminal incidents and allocate financial assistance for mental health intervention programs.

The primary factor contributing to the feeling of insecurity is the continuous coverage of serious offenses by the media. This perpetuates fears within society, creating a constant sense of danger even as crime rates decrease. Additionally, the memory of past heinous crimes remains vivid in the public’s mind due to their severity and profound impact on individuals and communities. For instance, in 2022, Vietnam witnessed a disturbing crime where the assailant dismembered the victim’s body, leaving an indelible mark on public consciousness.

A viable approach to address this issue is for the government to implement stringent regulations limiting the coverage of crime-related news on TV and other media platforms. By shielding the public from such information, individuals are likely to experience a greater sense of relaxation and comfort. Furthermore, the government should provide financial assistance for mental health intervention programs, motivating those impacted by criminal activities to seek professional help. This proactive step can significantly contribute to enhancing the overall sense of security. Notably, in 2022, a government-funded mental health program in Vietnam successfully reduced the percentage of individuals affected by crimes by 2%, with an anticipated further increase.

In conclusion, the prevailing exposure to crime-related information and the enduring impact of horrific crimes are key factors contributing to the perception of reduced safety. To remedy this situation, the government should take decisive action by enacting legislation to regulate the dissemination of crime-related news and providing financial support for mental health programs.

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