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In some countries, people spend long hours at work. Why does this happen? Is it positive or negative development?

In some countries, people spend long hours at work. Why does this happen? Is it positive or negative development?

It has become increasingly prevalent for people in some nations to allocate an astronomical amount of time to their workplace. While this working style yields several advantages for workers, I am of the view that its merits cannot justify its demerits.
On the one hand, there are a myriad of benefits urging employees to experience increased hours of work. Firstly, the more time they spend at work, the more wages they earn to cover living expenses more effectively. For instance, office workers in Vietnam typically fulfill their working tasks in 8 hours per day and receive a salary of around 5 million VN dong. In contrast, this amount of money may be higher if they are on a night shift, leading to an upgrade in their quality of life and standard of living. Secondly, employers have additional working time because what they aspire to is to be seasoned and promoted at work. Indeed, when people undergo a certain amount of workload seamlessly, it is probable that they gain more valuable work-related skills and experiences, thereby advancing their career ladders in the foreseeable future.
On the other hand, although the notion of immersing in extra time in the working space is appealing, its downsides concerning workers’ physical and mental well-being cannot be tolerated comprehensively. To begin with, after finishing their work responsibilities, they return home feeling fatigued. A piece of prime evidence can be seen in a restaurant manager who consistently comes back home at 9 p.m. with an exhausted body; therefore, she does not have any craving to ingest dinner, which adversely results in her digestive system. Next, contributing excessively to the working environment can be detrimental to people’s mental health. A prominent example exists in nurses who are worn out spiritually after not only being entirely attuned to their patient’s needs but also collaborating with doctors to diagnose patients’ illnesses and prescribe for them. Those two tangible disadvantages undoubtedly lead to workers’ unhealthy well-being.
In conclusion, while working overtime offers workers substantial benefits, I do not have an appreciation for this working pattern due to its drawbacks regarding their body and mind.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It has become increasingly prevalent" -> "It has become increasingly common"
    Explanation: Replacing "prevalent" with "common" maintains formality while simplifying the language slightly, ensuring a more academic tone.

  2. "an astronomical amount of time" -> "a significant amount of time"
    Explanation: Using "astronomical" may sound overly dramatic in an academic context. "Significant" is a more measured and appropriate term.

  3. "merits cannot justify its demerits" -> "benefits cannot outweigh its drawbacks"
    Explanation: The phrase "merits cannot justify its demerits" is somewhat informal. "Benefits cannot outweigh its drawbacks" conveys a similar meaning with a more formal tone.

  4. "a myriad of benefits" -> "numerous benefits"
    Explanation: "Myriad" is a more casual term; using "numerous" maintains formality while expressing the same idea.

  5. "urging employees to experience increased hours of work" -> "encouraging employees to extend their working hours"
    Explanation: "Urge" is more informal; replacing it with "encourage" maintains formality and clarity.

  6. "For instance" -> "For example"
    Explanation: "For example" is a more standard and formal phrase to introduce examples in academic writing.

  7. "seamlessly" -> "smoothly"
    Explanation: While "seamlessly" is not incorrect, "smoothly" is a more commonly used and slightly more formal alternative.

  8. "employers have additional working time" -> "employers gain additional work hours"
    Explanation: "Have" is a bit passive; using "gain" adds a more active and dynamic tone.

  9. "what they aspire to is to be seasoned" -> "their aspiration is to become seasoned"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality.

  10. "in the foreseeable future" -> "in the future"
    Explanation: "Foreseeable" adds unnecessary complexity; "in the future" is more straightforward.

  11. "immersing in extra time" -> "immersing themselves in extra working hours"
    Explanation: "Immersing in" is informal; using "immersing themselves in" adds clarity and formality.

  12. "its downsides" -> "its drawbacks"
    Explanation: "Drawbacks" is a more formal synonym for "downsides."

  13. "they return home feeling fatigued" -> "they return home fatigued"
    Explanation: Simplifying the sentence for conciseness and maintaining formality.

  14. "A piece of prime evidence" -> "A notable example"
    Explanation: "A piece of prime evidence" is somewhat informal; "A notable example" is more formal.

  15. "have any craving to ingest dinner" -> "have an appetite for dinner"
    Explanation: "Craving to ingest" is overly formal and can be simplified to "have an appetite for."

  16. "adversely results in her digestive system" -> "negatively affects her digestive system"
    Explanation: Using "adversely results in" is less clear; "negatively affects" is a more direct and formal alternative.

  17. "immersing in extra time in the working space" -> "engaging in extended working hours"
    Explanation: "Immersing in" is informal; "engaging in" is a more formal choice.

  18. "cannot be tolerated comprehensively" -> "cannot be fully tolerated"
    Explanation: "Comprehensively" is somewhat awkward; "fully" is a more straightforward alternative.

  19. "worn out spiritually" -> "emotionally drained"
    Explanation: "Worn out spiritually" is a bit informal; "emotionally drained" is a more academically appropriate expression.

  20. "Those two tangible disadvantages" -> "These tangible disadvantages"
    Explanation: Using "those" may sound a bit casual; "these" is more formal in academic writing.

  21. "workers’ unhealthy well-being" -> "workers’ compromised well-being"
    Explanation: "Unhealthy well-being" is redundant; "compromised well-being" is more concise and formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay successfully addresses all parts of the question. It discusses the reasons for long working hours, presenting both advantages and disadvantages. The writer refers to increased wages, career advancement, and improved quality of life as benefits, while also acknowledging the negative impact on physical and mental well-being.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, consider providing a more nuanced discussion of the positive aspects and delve deeper into the negative consequences. This can add depth to the analysis and provide a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout. The writer expresses a negative stance towards long working hours, stating, "I do not have an appreciation for this working pattern due to its drawbacks regarding their body and mind."
    • How to improve: While the position is clear, reinforcing it with stronger language or emphasizing it in the introduction and conclusion could enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. The writer provides specific examples, such as the case of office workers in Vietnam and a restaurant manager, to illustrate both the advantages and disadvantages of long working hours.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen the essay, consider incorporating additional examples or elaborating on the existing ones. This can add more depth to the analysis and make the essay more compelling.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the reasons for long working hours and evaluating their positive and negative consequences. However, there is a brief mention of a nurse’s job duties, which might slightly deviate from the main focus.
    • How to improve: To maintain a tighter focus, ensure that all examples and details directly relate to the topic of long working hours. If an example slightly deviates, connect it explicitly to the main theme to avoid any perceived divergence.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively addresses each checklist item. To improve, consider adding more nuanced analysis, reinforcing the essay’s position, and expanding on examples for a more comprehensive discussion.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It begins with a clear introduction, followed by two well-structured body paragraphs presenting contrasting viewpoints. The use of transitional phrases such as "on the one hand" and "on the other hand" helps guide the reader through the essay’s main points. However, there is room for improvement in the sequencing of ideas within paragraphs, as some sentences could be rearranged for smoother flow.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider reordering sentences within paragraphs to create a more seamless progression of ideas. Ensure that each paragraph builds on the previous one, creating a cohesive narrative throughout the essay.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs paragraphs to organize ideas, with a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the prompt, providing a structured response. However, there is a slight imbalance in paragraph length, with the second body paragraph being longer than the others. This can be addressed to maintain a more even distribution of content.
    • How to improve: Aim for consistency in paragraph length to maintain balance and improve overall readability. Ensure that each paragraph contains a well-developed main idea supported by relevant examples and explanations.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, including transitional phrases ("on the one hand," "on the other hand," "in conclusion") and cohesive ties (pronouns, repeated keywords). These devices contribute to the overall coherence of the essay. However, there is an opportunity to further diversify the types of cohesive devices used to create a more sophisticated and nuanced connection between ideas.
    • How to improve: Expand the range of cohesive devices by incorporating synonyms, parallel structures, and more advanced transitional expressions. This will add depth to the essay’s coherence and create a more engaging reading experience for the audience. Additionally, pay attention to the consistent use of pronouns to avoid confusion.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid foundation in coherence and cohesion, but refinement in the organization of ideas and the use of varied cohesive devices will contribute to a more polished and effective response.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of vocabulary, incorporating words such as "prevalent," "myriad," "upgrade," and "seamlessly." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the vocabulary further, especially in expressing nuanced ideas and relationships between concepts.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of vocabulary, consider incorporating more sophisticated synonyms and exploring different ways to express similar ideas. For instance, instead of frequently using "work" and "working," try integrating terms like "employment," "professional duties," or "occupational responsibilities" to demonstrate a broader lexical repertoire.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with precision. For example, terms like "demerits," "attuned," and "detrimental" convey specific meanings. However, there are instances where more precise word choices could strengthen the essay. For instance, the phrase "the more wages they earn to cover living expenses more effectively" might benefit from more specific language.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, strive for more exact and contextually fitting terms. Instead of "more effectively," consider using words like "efficiently" or "adequately" to provide a clearer and more nuanced expression of the idea.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains correct spelling throughout. However, there are a few minor errors, such as "an astronomical amount," where "an" should be omitted. Addressing these minor errors would improve the overall spelling accuracy.
    • How to improve: Proofread carefully to catch minor spelling errors. Additionally, consider utilizing spelling and grammar check tools to minimize the risk of overlooking such mistakes. Developing a systematic proofreading process can significantly enhance spelling accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures. Simple, compound, and complex sentences are used throughout the essay. There is a variety of sentence lengths, contributing to overall readability. However, some sentence structures are repeated, which limits the variety. For instance, there is a tendency to use complex sentences in a similar pattern, such as introducing a point, providing an example, and elaborating on the example. While this structure is effective, more variety would enhance the essay’s overall sophistication.
    • How to improve: To further enhance the grammatical range and add sophistication, consider incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures. Introduce occasional short, impactful sentences for emphasis or vary the placement of clauses within complex sentences. Experiment with different sentence patterns to keep the reader engaged and demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and punctuation. There are, however, some instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that slightly affect the clarity of expression. For example, in the sentence "employers have additional working time because what they aspire to is to be seasoned and promoted at work," the phrase "because what they aspire to is to be" is grammatically correct but could be more concise. Additionally, there are a few instances of awkward wording, such as "its downsides concerning workers’ physical and mental well-being cannot be tolerated comprehensively." The use of "tolerated comprehensively" is a bit awkward and could be rephrased for better clarity.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to sentence structure for conciseness and clarity. Review sentences that seem complex to ensure they convey the intended meaning without unnecessary complexity. In terms of grammar, proofread carefully for small errors or awkward phrasing. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools to catch any overlooked mistakes. Additionally, when a sentence feels awkward, try to rephrase it for smoother flow and clearer communication.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and a reasonable range of sentence structures. With some refinement in sentence variety and careful proofreading for clarity, the essay could achieve an even higher score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criterion.

Bài sửa mẫu

It has become increasingly common for people in some nations to dedicate a significant amount of time to their workplace. While this working style yields numerous benefits for workers, I believe that the benefits cannot outweigh its drawbacks.

On one hand, there are numerous advantages that encourage employees to extend their working hours. Firstly, the more time they spend at work, the more wages they earn, effectively covering living expenses. For example, office workers in Vietnam typically fulfill their tasks in an 8-hour workday, earning around 5 million VN dong. However, this amount could be higher for those on a night shift, leading to an improvement in their quality of life. Secondly, employers gain additional work hours as their aspiration is to become seasoned and promoted at work. When people smoothly handle a certain workload, they are likely to gain valuable work-related skills and experiences, thereby advancing their careers in the future.

On the other hand, despite the appealing notion of immersing themselves in extra working hours, its drawbacks concerning workers’ physical and mental well-being cannot be fully tolerated. To begin with, after completing their work responsibilities, they return home fatigued. A notable example is a restaurant manager who consistently comes back home at 9 p.m. with an exhausted body, leading to a lack of appetite for dinner, which negatively affects her digestive system. Additionally, engaging in extended working hours can emotionally drain individuals. A clear instance is seen in nurses who, after being entirely attuned to their patients’ needs and collaborating with doctors, find themselves spiritually worn out. These tangible disadvantages undoubtedly lead to workers’ compromised well-being.

In conclusion, while working overtime offers workers numerous benefits, I do not appreciate this working pattern due to its drawbacks regarding their body and mind. The negative impact on workers’ well-being should be carefully considered, and efforts should be made to strike a balance between work and personal life.

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