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In some countries, people spend long hours at work. Why does this happen? Is it positive or negative development?

In some countries, people spend long hours at work. Why does this happen? Is it positive or negative development?

In the modern days, members of the public spend more personal time working. This phenomenon may stem from the desire for a better life or their increasing workload. In my opinion, this propensity can bring both merits and demerits to our society.

To commence with, the elongation of work hours can be attributed to two primary factors. Firstly, individuals often seek higher wages and career ladder, assuming that working overtime directly translates into promotions and increased income. Secondly, an excessive workload compels various employees to invest additional time in their tasks, aiming to fulfil their deadlines, and avoid several career repercussions such as working suspension, or dismissal.

The accumulation of additional income undoubtedly contributes significantly to an individual’s quality of life. For instance, a higher income ensures better access to quality education, healthcare services, and an improved standard of living. This financial stability not only secures daily necessities but also enables individuals to plan for long-terms goals, fostering a sense of security and well-being. Moreover, the contemporary rise in depression rates can often be traced back to the ramifications of overworking. Prolonged exposure to high-stress environments and extended working hours creates mental fatigue, leading to increased vulnerability to conditions such as depression.

In conclusion, while it is understandable why people are dedicating more time to work, I believe this trend can yield both positive and negative consequences. Balancing the pursuit of financial stability with the preservation of mental well-being is crucial in navigating the challenges posed by the increasing hours spent at work.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "In the modern days" -> "In contemporary times"
    Explanation: Replacing "In the modern days" with "In contemporary times" adds formality and precision to the expression, aligning it with a more academic style.

  2. "This phenomenon may stem from the desire for a better life or their increasing workload." -> "This trend may arise from the aspiration for an improved quality of life or an escalating workload."
    Explanation: The suggested revision enhances the formality of the sentence by using "trend" instead of "phenomenon" and employing more precise language to describe the reasons behind the increase in working hours.

  3. "In my opinion" -> "From my perspective"
    Explanation: Replacing "In my opinion" with "From my perspective" maintains the author’s voice while adopting a more formal phrase commonly used in academic writing.

  4. "propensity" -> "tendency"
    Explanation: While "propensity" is not incorrect, "tendency" is a slightly more common and straightforward term, fitting well into academic writing without sacrificing clarity.

  5. "To commence with" -> "To begin with"
    Explanation: "To commence with" is more formal, but "To begin with" is a widely accepted alternative that maintains a formal tone while sounding more natural.

  6. "elongation" -> "extension"
    Explanation: Replacing "elongation" with "extension" maintains formality and is a more common word choice in academic writing.

  7. "compels various employees" -> "forces numerous employees"
    Explanation: The substitution of "compels various" with "forces numerous" preserves the meaning while using a more direct and formal expression.

  8. "invest additional time" -> "devote extra time"
    Explanation: The replacement of "invest additional time" with "devote extra time" aligns with a more formal register without losing clarity.

  9. "fulfil their deadlines" -> "meet their deadlines"
    Explanation: "Fulfil" is correct but "meet" is a simpler and more commonly used term in academic writing.

  10. "working suspension" -> "suspension from work"
    Explanation: Changing "working suspension" to "suspension from work" maintains formality and provides a more precise term.

  11. "accumulation of additional income" -> "increase in income"
    Explanation: "Accumulation of additional income" is slightly awkward; "increase in income" is a more straightforward and commonly used alternative.

  12. "contemporary rise" -> "current increase"
    Explanation: Replacing "contemporary rise" with "current increase" maintains formality while using a more commonly employed term.

  13. "ramifications of overworking" -> "consequences of excessive work"
    Explanation: "Ramifications" is more formal but "consequences" is a clearer and more commonly used term in academic writing.

  14. "Prolonged exposure" -> "Extended exposure"
    Explanation: The change from "Prolonged exposure" to "Extended exposure" maintains formality and uses a more common alternative.

  15. "navigating the challenges posed by the increasing hours spent at work" -> "managing the challenges arising from the growing number of hours devoted to work"
    Explanation: The suggested revision provides a more detailed and precise description, aligning better with academic style and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: "To commence with, the elongation of work hours can be attributed to two primary factors. Firstly, individuals often seek higher wages and career ladder, assuming that working overtime directly translates into promotions and increased income. Secondly, an excessive workload compels various employees to invest additional time in their tasks, aiming to fulfil their deadlines, and avoid several career repercussions such as working suspension, or dismissal."

    • Explanation and Improvement: This paragraph effectively introduces the reasons behind extended work hours. However, it would benefit from further specificity or elaboration. For instance, offering examples of industries or professions where this overtime culture is particularly prevalent could strengthen the argument’s clarity and relatability. Emphasizing how these factors vary across different job sectors or regions can enrich the analysis.
    • Improved example: "The elongation of work hours finds its roots in specific industries like technology or finance, where competitive cultures and the promise of career advancements compel employees to extend their working hours. For instance, in the software development industry, long work hours are often perceived as necessary for timely project completion, leading to the perpetuation of this culture."
  2. Quoted text: "The accumulation of additional income undoubtedly contributes significantly to an individual’s quality of life. For instance, a higher income ensures better access to quality education, healthcare services, and an improved standard of living."

    • Explanation and Improvement: The point made about additional income improving the quality of life is well-established. To bolster this argument, consider expanding on how increased income directly impacts various aspects of life, such as providing specific examples of how better access to education or healthcare leads to tangible improvements in individuals’ lives. This will amplify the persuasiveness of your argument.
    • Improved example: "Elevated income not only guarantees access to quality education but also paves the way for continuous skill development and specialized training courses. For example, professionals earning higher wages can enroll in vocational courses or specialized workshops to enhance their skill sets, thereby opening avenues for career growth and personal development."

Overall, the essay presents a clear position on the topic and addresses various aspects of why people spend longer hours at work. To elevate the response further, adding more specific examples and nuances to the reasons provided would enhance the depth and relevance of the arguments, leading to a more comprehensive and convincing discussion.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and cohesion. It logically organizes ideas, ensuring a clear progression throughout the response. There is a discernible structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing reasons, and effects, followed by a concluding paragraph summarizing the main points. Each paragraph contains a clear central topic, maintaining focus and coherence within them. The use of cohesive devices is evident, aiding in connecting ideas and paragraphs. Transition words and phrases such as "To commence with," "Firstly," "Secondly," "Moreover," and "In conclusion" are appropriately used, contributing to the essay’s overall coherence.

While the essay shows logical organization and progression, there might be some minor instances of underuse or overuse of cohesive devices. Some sentences could benefit from stronger connections, ensuring smoother transitions between ideas.

How to improve:
To further enhance coherence and cohesion, strive for a more consistent and varied use of cohesive devices. Ensure that the connections between sentences and paragraphs are explicit and seamless. Consider using a wider range of linking words or phrases to reinforce the logical flow of ideas throughout the essay. Additionally, aim for a more balanced distribution of cohesive devices to avoid any slight inconsistencies in their usage.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision. There is a variety of vocabulary used, and the writer shows awareness of style and collocation. Uncommon lexical items are used appropriately, contributing to the overall fluency and coherence of the essay. However, there are occasional errors in word choice and collocation, such as "elongation of work hours" (more commonly expressed as "extended work hours"). Additionally, there is a minor issue with the phrase "this propensity can bring both merits and demerits" as "propensity" might not be the most suitable term in this context.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource and move towards a higher band score, consider refining word choices and collocations. Use terms more commonly associated with the context, and ensure that the selected vocabulary precisely conveys the intended meaning. Additionally, pay attention to the coherence of phrases to avoid any potential ambiguity in expression.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score: 8.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a wide range of sentence structures, incorporating both simple and complex forms. The use of language is generally accurate, with only very occasional errors or inappropriacies. The essay effectively communicates the reasons behind the increased working hours and provides a balanced discussion of the positive and negative impacts on individuals and society. The writer shows good control of grammar and punctuation, contributing to the overall clarity of the essay.

How to improve: While the essay is well-written, there are areas where the writer can enhance grammatical range and accuracy further. Paying attention to the use of transitional phrases to connect ideas more smoothly and incorporating a few more complex structures can elevate the essay to a Band 9 level. Additionally, careful proofreading to eliminate any minor errors or inappropriacies will contribute to achieving a higher score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent times, there has been a noticeable increase in the amount of time individuals dedicate to their work. This trend may stem from the desire for an improved lifestyle or the growing workload. From my perspective, this inclination can bring about both advantages and disadvantages to our society.

The elongation of work hours can be attributed primarily to two factors. Firstly, individuals often aim for higher wages and career advancement, assuming that working overtime directly leads to promotions and increased income. Secondly, an excessive workload compels many employees to invest extra time in their tasks, striving to meet deadlines and avoid career repercussions such as suspension or dismissal.

The accumulation of extra income undeniably contributes significantly to an individual’s quality of life. For example, a higher income ensures better access to quality education, healthcare services, and an improved standard of living. This financial stability not only secures daily necessities but also allows individuals to plan for long-term goals, fostering a sense of security and well-being. Moreover, the contemporary rise in depression rates can often be linked to the consequences of overworking. Prolonged exposure to high-stress environments and extended working hours creates mental fatigue, leading to an increased vulnerability to conditions such as depression.

In conclusion, while it is understandable why people are dedicating more time to work, I believe this trend can result in both positive and negative consequences. Balancing the pursuit of financial stability with the preservation of mental well-being is crucial in navigating the challenges posed by the increasing hours spent at work.

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