In some countries, secondary schools aim to provide a general education across a range of subjects. In others, children focus on a narrow range of subjects related to a particular career. Which do you think is appropriate in today’s world?

There are those individuals who believe that secondary schools aim to offer a general education in several subjects, whereas others think students should be taught a limited selection of ones. While others are appropriate with the phenomenon, I personally believe that students benefit from a range of knowledge when exposing various fields.

It is undeniable that students concentrate on subjects related to a particular career that not only enhances expertise skills but also reduces stress. The main point is that studying in narrow subjects such as apprentices may nurture in-depth knowledge and skills. Therefore, it alleviates the learning phase at schools to exposure to related work subjects effectively. The second point is that most students are under study pressure with academic results when overexposed to a wide range of subjects. In fact, it directly affects their psychological trauma due to imbalance in learning.

Despite the benefits of focusing on specific topics, there are also various detrimental effects. It is obvious that a general education provides teenagers with either multidimensional perspectives or mastering diverse situations. Firstly, students studying the natural sciences might boost their memory, reflexes, and brain developments as well as to be a well-rounded person. Furthermore, the social subjects might open their horizons and opportunities to explore the historic and culture among countries. Thus, studying a wide range of subjects enhances students’ mindsets, critical thinking and viewpoint aspects of life. Secondly, students effortlessly adapt in the workplace or environment due to several soft skills learned from educational systems, like negotiation, communication skills or even using technology.

In conclusion, it is a controversial problem whether secondary schools tailor teaching to aim at students studying a general subject or not. In my opinion, I lean towards students who should learn general subjects.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"There are those individuals who believe" -> "Some individuals believe"
Explanation: Simplifying "There are those individuals who believe" to "Some individuals believe" maintains the formal tone while avoiding redundancy and enhancing readability.
"others think students should be taught a limited selection of ones" -> "others advocate for a limited selection of subjects"
Explanation: Replacing "think students should be taught a limited selection of ones" with "advocate for a limited selection of subjects" uses more precise language and avoids the awkward phrasing of "ones," which is unclear and informal.
"others are appropriate with the phenomenon" -> "others are in favor of this phenomenon"
Explanation: "Are appropriate with" is incorrect and unclear. "Are in favor of" is the correct expression, enhancing clarity and formality.
"students benefit from a range of knowledge when exposing various fields" -> "students benefit from exposure to a range of fields"
Explanation: "When exposing various fields" is awkward and unclear. "Exposure to a range of fields" is more direct and academically appropriate.
"students concentrate on subjects related to a particular career that not only enhances expertise skills but also reduces stress" -> "students focus on subjects related to their chosen career, enhancing their expertise and reducing stress"
Explanation: "Concentrate on" is less formal than "focus on." Also, "enhances expertise skills" is grammatically incorrect; "enhancing their expertise" corrects this and improves readability.
"apprentices may nurture in-depth knowledge and skills" -> "apprentices may develop in-depth knowledge and skills"
Explanation: "Nurture" is less precise in this context; "develop" is more appropriate for describing the acquisition of skills and knowledge.
"it alleviates the learning phase at schools to exposure to related work subjects" -> "it facilitates the learning process by exposure to related work subjects"
Explanation: "Alleviates the learning phase" is awkward and unclear. "Facilitates the learning process" is more precise and formal, and "by exposure" corrects the grammatical error.
"most students are under study pressure with academic results" -> "many students face academic pressure due to their academic results"
Explanation: "Under study pressure with" is awkward and unclear. "Face academic pressure due to their academic results" is clearer and more formal.
"it directly affects their psychological trauma due to imbalance in learning" -> "this directly affects their psychological well-being due to an imbalance in their learning"
Explanation: "Psychological trauma" is too strong and informal; "psychological well-being" is more appropriate and formal. Also, "an imbalance in their learning" is grammatically correct and clearer.
"boost their memory, reflexes, and brain developments" -> "enhance their memory, reflexes, and cognitive development"
Explanation: "Boost" is informal and less precise; "enhance" is more academic. "Brain developments" is vague; "cognitive development" is specific and appropriate.
"to be a well-rounded person" -> "to become a well-rounded individual"
Explanation: "To be" is less formal than "to become," which is more suitable for academic writing.
"the social subjects might open their horizons and opportunities to explore the historic and culture among countries" -> "social studies may broaden their horizons and opportunities to explore historical and cultural aspects across countries"
Explanation: "The social subjects" is vague; "social studies" is more specific. "Open their horizons and opportunities to explore the historic and culture among countries" is grammatically incorrect and awkward; the suggested revision corrects these issues and enhances clarity.
"students effortlessly adapt in the workplace or environment" -> "students adapt easily to the workplace or environment"
Explanation: "Effortlessly" is too informal and implies no effort is required, which is incorrect. "Adapt easily" is more accurate and formal.
"like negotiation, communication skills or even using technology" -> "such as negotiation, communication skills, and technology"
Explanation: "Like" is informal and imprecise; "such as" is more appropriate for listing examples. Also, "or even using technology" is awkward; "and technology" is grammatically correct and clearer.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the benefits of a general education and the advantages of a focused curriculum. The writer acknowledges the existence of both perspectives, which is essential for a balanced response. However, the discussion could be more thorough in evaluating the implications of each approach in today’s context. For instance, while the essay mentions that a narrow focus can reduce stress, it does not fully explore how this might impact long-term career adaptability or personal development.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should delve deeper into the implications of each educational approach. Including specific examples or case studies from different countries could provide a more comprehensive view. Additionally, explicitly stating which approach is more suitable in today’s world and providing a rationale for this choice would strengthen the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The writer states a personal belief in favor of a general education, but this position is somewhat diluted by the initial presentation of both sides. Phrases like "while others are appropriate with the phenomenon" can create ambiguity regarding the writer’s stance. The conclusion reiterates a preference for general subjects, but the transition between discussing both perspectives and the final opinion could be smoother.
- How to improve: To maintain a clearer position, the writer should consistently emphasize their viewpoint throughout the essay. This could be achieved by using more definitive language and ensuring that each paragraph ties back to the main argument. A clear thesis statement in the introduction, followed by topic sentences that reflect this stance in each body paragraph, would help reinforce the position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the benefits of both educational approaches, such as reduced stress from focused study and the development of soft skills from a general curriculum. However, some points lack depth and specific examples. For instance, the mention of "psychological trauma" from overexposure to subjects is a strong claim but is not sufficiently supported with evidence or elaboration.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point with specific examples, statistics, or real-world implications. This could include discussing how certain countries implement these educational systems and their outcomes. Additionally, using more varied vocabulary and complex sentence structures can enhance the sophistication of the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the merits of both educational approaches. However, some sentences could be more focused. For example, the phrase "students effortlessly adapt in the workplace or environment" introduces a new idea that could distract from the main argument about education systems.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every sentence contributes directly to the central argument. This can be achieved by revisiting the prompt regularly during the writing process and ensuring that all points made are relevant to the question asked. A clear outline before writing could also help in structuring the essay more effectively.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, there is room for improvement in depth, clarity, and focus. By addressing these areas, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in Task Response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the benefits of both general and specialized education. However, the organization of ideas could be improved. For instance, the introduction sets up a contrast between the two educational approaches but does not clearly outline the structure of the argument that follows. The body paragraphs discuss the advantages of specialized education first, followed by the benefits of general education, but the transition between these points lacks clarity. This could confuse the reader regarding the main argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using a more structured approach in the introduction by briefly outlining the main points that will be discussed. For example, state that the essay will first explore the benefits of specialized education before discussing the advantages of a general education. Additionally, use clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to signal the main idea being discussed.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs, but their effectiveness varies. The first body paragraph focuses on specialized education, while the second addresses general education. However, the transitions between these paragraphs could be smoother, and the conclusion does not effectively summarize the key points made in the body. The lack of clear separation between the two perspectives may lead to confusion about the overall argument.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph has a clear focus and that the transition between paragraphs is logical. Use linking phrases such as "On the other hand" or "Conversely" to clearly indicate when you are shifting from one perspective to another. Additionally, the conclusion should succinctly summarize the main arguments presented in the essay, reinforcing the writer’s stance.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices, such as "firstly" and "furthermore," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences and ideas could be clearer. For example, phrases like "the main point is that" could be replaced with more varied transitions to enhance cohesion.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases such as "in addition," "however," "consequently," and "for instance." This will help to create a more fluid reading experience and clarify the relationships between ideas. Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned concepts, which can help to maintain coherence throughout the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, enhancing the logical organization, improving paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will contribute to a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "general education," "narrow subjects," "psychological trauma," and "multidimensional perspectives." However, the use of vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly with phrases like "students" and "subjects," which appear frequently without variation. For instance, the phrase "students benefit from a range of knowledge when exposing various fields" could be enhanced by using synonyms or more varied expressions.
- How to improve: To improve lexical variety, consider using synonyms or related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "students," you could use "learners," "pupils," or "individuals." Additionally, instead of "subjects," you might refer to "disciplines," "areas of study," or "fields of knowledge." This will create a more engaging and sophisticated essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "students are under study pressure with academic results" could be more clearly articulated as "students experience academic pressure due to their results." Additionally, the term "apprentices" is used incorrectly; it typically refers to individuals learning a trade, not a subject area.
- How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary that accurately reflects the intended meaning. When discussing educational topics, ensure that terms are contextually appropriate. For example, replace "apprentices" with "specialized subjects" or "vocational training." Reading academic texts and noting how precise vocabulary is used can also help improve this area.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair level of spelling accuracy, but there are notable errors that detract from the overall quality. For instance, "psychological trauma" is spelled correctly, but "exposing" should be "exposed," and "reflexes" is used correctly, yet "developments" should be "development." These errors can confuse the reader and impact the clarity of your arguments.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy. After writing, take a break and then review your work with fresh eyes, focusing specifically on spelling. Additionally, using spell-check tools or apps can help identify errors before submission. Regular practice with spelling exercises or quizzes can also reinforce correct spelling habits.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Lexical Resource. Aim for greater variety, precision, and accuracy in vocabulary to enhance the overall quality of your writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as the use of complex sentences ("While others are appropriate with the phenomenon, I personally believe that students benefit from a range of knowledge when exposing various fields.") and simple sentences. However, the overall range is limited, with many sentences following a similar structure, which can lead to a monotonous reading experience. For example, phrases like "The main point is that…" and "The second point is that…" are used repetitively, which detracts from the overall complexity of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more compound and complex sentences that use subordinate clauses or varied conjunctions. For instance, instead of starting multiple points with "The main point is that…", try using phrases like "One significant advantage is that…" or "In addition to this, it is important to note that…". This will create a more engaging and dynamic flow in the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect clarity. For example, the phrase "students should be taught a limited selection of ones" is vague and could be clearer if rephrased to specify "a limited selection of subjects." Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "students are under study pressure with academic results when overexposed to a wide range of subjects," which could be more clearly expressed as "students experience pressure related to academic performance when they are overexposed to a wide range of subjects." Furthermore, punctuation errors, such as missing commas in complex sentences, can lead to confusion.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay for common errors and awkward phrasing. Practicing sentence rephrasing can help clarify meaning and enhance readability. Additionally, focusing on punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will improve overall clarity. Consider using tools like grammar checkers or seeking feedback from peers to identify and correct these issues before finalizing the essay.

By addressing these areas of improvement, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

There are some individuals who believe that secondary schools should provide a general education across a range of subjects, while others advocate for a limited selection of subjects related to specific careers. Although both perspectives have merit, I personally believe that students benefit from exposure to a variety of fields.

It is undeniable that when students focus on subjects related to a particular career, they not only enhance their expertise but also reduce stress. The main point is that studying a narrow range of subjects, such as in apprenticeships, may nurture in-depth knowledge and skills. Therefore, this approach facilitates the learning process by exposing students to related work subjects effectively. Additionally, many students face academic pressure due to their results when overexposed to a wide range of subjects. This directly affects their psychological well-being due to an imbalance in their learning.

Despite the advantages of concentrating on specific topics, there are also various detrimental effects. It is clear that a general education provides teenagers with multidimensional perspectives and the ability to navigate diverse situations. Firstly, students studying natural sciences can enhance their memory, reflexes, and cognitive development, contributing to their growth as well-rounded individuals. Furthermore, social studies may broaden their horizons and offer opportunities to explore historical and cultural aspects across countries. Thus, studying a wide range of subjects enhances students’ mindsets, critical thinking, and viewpoints on life. Secondly, students adapt easily to the workplace or environment due to the soft skills learned from educational systems, such as negotiation, communication skills, and technology.

In conclusion, it is a contentious issue whether secondary schools should tailor their teaching towards a general education or a more specialized curriculum. In my opinion, I advocate for students to learn a broad range of subjects.