In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the cause of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them ?

In recent years, some regions in the world are facing an alarming rise in health crises, as people are becoming more obese, accompanied by the issue of compromised health. These might be the consequences of their unhealthy diets and lifestyles. This essay will scrutinize these driving forces and propose some solutions to mitigate them.

Those health issues can be attributed to deleterious dietary behaviors and sedentary lifestyles emerged in technology-based society. Inspecting the dietary patterns, it can be stated that they are generally indiscriminate and imbalanced, demonstrated by the increasing consumption of unhealthy food, such as convenience and processed food. They are high in calories and preservatives, which can result in caloric surplus and the absorption of detrimental substances. Furthermore, leading an inactive lifestyle can even exacerbate our well-being. As most people do desk-bound jobs, especially occupations in technology-related industries such as programmer, content writer, designer, they usually engage in few physical activities due to long working hours indoors. Without regular exercises, they can hardly metabolize the energy from food, leading to fat accumulation and physical degeneration. Therefore, not only do the nutritional practices cause obesity and worsen our health but also the sedentary lifestyle. To address these phenomena, several corresponding solutions can be implemented.

To alleviate the problem of unhealthy dietary practices, people should eliminate fatty and pre-packaged food from their diets and prioritize cooking by themselves, using healthy ingredients such as organic vegetables, lean proteins and fresh fruits. With these foods, the process of metabolism can be stimulated, thereby lowering the risk of obesity and fostering our fitness levels. In addition, an active lifestyle can significantly contribute to both physical and mental conditions, so we should incentivize public health activities by conducting some workplace initiatives. For instance, Google encourages their employees to have walking meetings, meaning that work-related topics can be discussed while walking around the campus, breaking up the long periods of sitting routines. Hence, the health crisis should be approached with flexibility to generate proactive measures.

In conclusion, the rise of unhealthy eating behaviors and desk-bound lifestyles is one of the factors bringing about the higher rate of overweight and health decline. Encountering them, numerous strategic actions, including modifications to food consumption practices and the employer intervention in the workplace are being implemented. Moreover, I believe that more approaches can be spurred into action before adverse outcomes become inevitable.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"alarming rise" -> "marked increase"
Explanation: "Marked increase" is a more precise and formal term that conveys a significant change without the emotional connotation of "alarming."
"compromised health" -> "compromised health status"
Explanation: Adding "status" clarifies that the health is not necessarily compromised in a permanent or irreversible manner, which is more accurate in an academic context.
"unhealthy diets and lifestyles" -> "unhealthy dietary habits and lifestyles"
Explanation: "Dietary habits" is a more specific term that accurately describes the patterns of eating, enhancing the precision of the statement.
"deleterious dietary behaviors" -> "unhealthy dietary behaviors"
Explanation: "Unhealthy" is more straightforward and commonly used in academic writing to describe behaviors that negatively impact health.
"emerged in technology-based society" -> "emerged in a technology-based society"
Explanation: Adding "a" before "technology-based society" corrects the grammatical structure, making the phrase more formal and grammatically correct.
"inspecting the dietary patterns" -> "examining dietary patterns"
Explanation: "Examining" is a more formal and academically appropriate verb than "inspecting," which can imply a more casual or superficial analysis.
"indiscriminate and imbalanced" -> "unbalanced and indiscriminate"
Explanation: The order of "unbalanced" and "indiscriminate" is corrected to maintain the correct order of adjectives in English, following the typical pattern of modifying nouns.
"high in calories and preservatives" -> "high in calories and additives"
Explanation: "Additives" is a more precise term in the context of food, referring specifically to substances added to food products, whereas "preservatives" can have broader connotations.
"caloric surplus" -> "calorie surplus"
Explanation: "Calorie" is the correct term when referring to the unit of energy, not "caloric."
"the absorption of detrimental substances" -> "the absorption of harmful substances"
Explanation: "Harmful" is a more precise term than "detrimental" in this context, as it directly relates to the negative effects on health.
"desk-bound jobs" -> "sedentary occupations"
Explanation: "Sedentary occupations" is a more formal and precise term that accurately describes jobs that involve little physical activity.
"programmer, content writer, designer" -> "programmers, content writers, designers"
Explanation: Plural forms are used to match the plural context of "most people."
"they usually engage in few physical activities" -> "they typically engage in limited physical activities"
Explanation: "Typically" and "limited" provide a more formal and precise description of the frequency and extent of physical activity.
"fostering our fitness levels" -> "enhancing our physical fitness"
Explanation: "Enhancing our physical fitness" is a more formal and specific phrase that clearly indicates improvement in physical health.
"incentivize public health activities" -> "promote public health initiatives"
Explanation: "Promote" is a more commonly used term in formal writing than "incentivize," which can be less familiar in this context.
"conducted some workplace initiatives" -> "initiated workplace initiatives"
Explanation: "Initiated" is more precise and formal, indicating the start of a program or activity.
"the health crisis should be approached with flexibility" -> "the health crisis should be addressed with flexibility"
Explanation: "Addressed" is more appropriate in this context, as it directly implies taking action to resolve the issue.
"more approaches can be spurred into action" -> "additional measures can be implemented"
Explanation: "Additional measures" is a clearer and more formal way to suggest further actions, replacing the less precise "approaches."

These changes enhance the academic tone and precision of the essay, aligning it more closely with formal writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both parts of the prompt: it identifies causes (unhealthy diets and sedentary lifestyles) and suggests solutions (dietary changes and workplace initiatives). The introduction clearly outlines the focus, and each body paragraph corresponds to the respective aspects of the question. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the causes, while the second focuses on solutions, demonstrating a comprehensive understanding of the prompt.
- How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the essay could benefit from a more explicit connection between the causes and the proposed solutions. For example, after discussing unhealthy diets, the author could directly link specific dietary changes to the identified issues, enhancing the clarity of the response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that unhealthy diets and sedentary lifestyles are the primary causes of health issues. This stance is consistent throughout the essay, with the conclusion reiterating the main points. The use of phrases like "these driving forces" and "to alleviate the problem" reinforces the author’s viewpoint.
- How to improve: While the position is clear, the essay could improve by explicitly stating the author’s opinion in the introduction. A more definitive statement about the author’s belief regarding the severity of the issue or the effectiveness of the proposed solutions could strengthen the overall argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas logically, with each point supported by relevant examples. For instance, the mention of Google’s walking meetings serves as a concrete example of a workplace initiative that promotes an active lifestyle. The discussion of dietary changes is also well-supported by specific suggestions, such as prioritizing cooking with healthy ingredients.
- How to improve: To enhance the depth of the argument, the author could include more statistical data or studies that highlight the impact of obesity on health. This would provide additional support for the claims made and demonstrate a more thorough understanding of the topic.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, with each paragraph contributing to the overall argument. There are no significant deviations from the main subject, and the ideas presented are relevant to the prompt. The structure is coherent, with a logical flow from causes to solutions.
- How to improve: To further ensure relevance, the author could briefly acknowledge potential counterarguments or alternative perspectives on the issue. This would not only demonstrate critical thinking but also reinforce the strength of the author’s position by addressing opposing views.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the Task Response criteria, with clear strengths in addressing the prompt and maintaining focus. With minor improvements in linking causes to solutions, explicitly stating the position, and providing additional support for ideas, the essay could achieve an even higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear and logical structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the main issues and the subsequent paragraphs that delve into causes and solutions. For instance, the transition from discussing dietary habits to sedentary lifestyles is smooth, allowing the reader to follow the argument easily. Each paragraph has a clear focus, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: While the organization is strong, further enhancing the logical flow could involve using more explicit signposting language. For example, phrases like "Firstly," "Secondly," or "In addition" could be used to guide the reader through the argument more clearly, especially when transitioning between causes and solutions.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph addressing a specific aspect of the topic. The first body paragraph discusses dietary issues, while the second focuses on lifestyle factors. This clear division aids readability and comprehension.
- How to improve: To further enhance paragraphing, consider ensuring that each paragraph begins with a topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. For example, the first body paragraph could start with a sentence like, "One of the primary causes of increasing obesity rates is unhealthy dietary habits," which would provide a clear focus for the reader.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices effectively, such as "furthermore," "therefore," and "in addition," which help to connect ideas and maintain the flow of information. The use of these devices contributes to the overall coherence of the essay, allowing the reader to see the relationships between different points.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating more varied linking phrases and transitional words. For instance, using phrases like "on the other hand" when discussing contrasting ideas or "for example" when providing illustrations could enhance the richness of the text and improve cohesion.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a high level of coherence and cohesion, with clear organization, effective paragraphing, and a good range of cohesive devices. By implementing the suggested improvements, the writer can further elevate the clarity and flow of their arguments.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with terms such as "deleterious," "caloric surplus," and "sedentary lifestyles." These words effectively convey complex ideas related to health and nutrition. However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied. For example, the phrase "unhealthy diets and lifestyles" is repeated in both the introduction and the conclusion, which could be enhanced by using synonyms or rephrasing.
- How to improve: To improve lexical variety, consider using synonyms or alternative phrases. For instance, instead of repeating "unhealthy diets," you could use "poor nutritional choices" or "suboptimal eating habits." Additionally, incorporating more descriptive adjectives or adverbs could enrich the text, such as "nutrient-poor" instead of just "unhealthy."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are moments of imprecision. For example, the term "compromised health" is somewhat vague and could be more specific. It might be clearer to specify the types of health issues being referred to, such as "chronic diseases" or "metabolic disorders." Additionally, the phrase "the absorption of detrimental substances" could be misleading, as it suggests that the body actively absorbs harmful substances rather than being affected by them.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, focus on using specific terms that clearly convey the intended meaning. For example, instead of "detrimental substances," you could specify "trans fats" or "high levels of sugar." This not only clarifies your argument but also demonstrates a deeper understanding of the topic.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a high level of spelling accuracy, with no noticeable errors in the vocabulary used. Words like "metabolism," "caloric," and "intervention" are spelled correctly, which contributes positively to the overall impression of the writing.
- How to improve: While spelling is accurate, it is always beneficial to remain vigilant. To further enhance spelling skills, consider practicing with vocabulary lists related to health and nutrition, and use tools like spell checkers or writing apps that highlight potential errors. Regular reading of well-edited texts can also reinforce correct spelling through exposure.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary, there are opportunities for improvement in terms of variety, precision, and continued attention to spelling. By incorporating more synonyms, using specific terminology, and maintaining high spelling standards, the essay can achieve an even higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. For example, complex sentences such as "As most people do desk-bound jobs, especially occupations in technology-related industries such as programmer, content writer, designer, they usually engage in few physical activities due to long working hours indoors" effectively convey detailed information. Additionally, the use of conditional structures, such as "if people eliminate fatty and pre-packaged food," showcases the writer’s ability to express hypothetical situations. However, there are instances of repetitive structure, particularly in the use of "they" to refer back to subjects, which can lead to a lack of fluidity in some paragraphs.
- How to improve: To further diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied introductory phrases, such as "In light of this," or "Consequently," to begin sentences. Additionally, using more passive voice constructions or inversion could enhance the complexity of the writing. For example, instead of "people should eliminate fatty and pre-packaged food," the writer could say, "Fatty and pre-packaged food should be eliminated by people."
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits strong grammatical accuracy, with few errors. For instance, the phrase "sedentary lifestyles emerged in technology-based society" could be improved by changing "emerged" to "that have emerged," which would clarify the timing and context. Punctuation is mostly accurate, but there are instances where commas could enhance clarity, such as in the list "programmer, content writer, designer," where a conjunction is missing before the last item, making it grammatically incomplete.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on ensuring subject-verb agreement and the correct use of tenses. For example, revising "lifestyles emerged" to "lifestyles that have emerged" would clarify the meaning. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, particularly for lists and clauses, will help avoid minor errors. Regular practice with sentence combining exercises could also strengthen grammatical precision.

Overall, the essay is well-structured and demonstrates a high level of grammatical range and accuracy. By incorporating more varied sentence structures and refining grammatical and punctuation accuracy, the writer can further enhance the quality of their writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent years, some regions in the world are facing a marked increase in health crises, as people are becoming more obese, accompanied by a compromised health status. These issues may stem from unhealthy dietary habits and lifestyles. This essay will examine these driving forces and propose some solutions to mitigate them.

These health issues can be attributed to deleterious dietary behaviors and sedentary lifestyles that have emerged in a technology-based society. Examining dietary patterns, it can be stated that they are generally unbalanced and indiscriminate, as evidenced by the increasing consumption of unhealthy foods, such as convenience and processed items. These foods are high in calories and additives, which can lead to a calorie surplus and the absorption of harmful substances. Furthermore, leading an inactive lifestyle can further exacerbate our well-being. As most people engage in desk-bound jobs, particularly in technology-related fields such as programming, content writing, and design, they typically engage in limited physical activities due to long working hours indoors. Without regular exercise, they can hardly metabolize the energy from food, leading to fat accumulation and physical degeneration. Therefore, not only do nutritional practices contribute to obesity and worsen our health, but the sedentary lifestyle also plays a significant role. To address these phenomena, several corresponding solutions can be implemented.

To alleviate the problem of unhealthy dietary practices, individuals should eliminate fatty and pre-packaged foods from their diets and prioritize cooking for themselves, using healthy ingredients such as organic vegetables, lean proteins, and fresh fruits. By incorporating these foods, the process of metabolism can be stimulated, thereby lowering the risk of obesity and enhancing our physical fitness levels. In addition, an active lifestyle can significantly contribute to both physical and mental well-being, so we should promote public health initiatives by initiating workplace initiatives. For instance, Google encourages its employees to have walking meetings, allowing work-related discussions to take place while walking around the campus, thus breaking up long periods of sitting. Hence, the health crisis should be addressed with flexibility to generate proactive measures.

In conclusion, the rise of unhealthy eating behaviors and sedentary lifestyles is one of the factors contributing to the increasing rates of overweight individuals and declining health. In response, numerous strategic actions, including modifications to food consumption practices and employer interventions in the workplace, are being implemented. Moreover, I believe that additional measures can be spurred into action before adverse outcomes become inevitable.