fbpx

In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decided to do this.”

In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decided to do this.”

There is a growing trend towards taking a gap year prior to entering tertiary education among school leavers in certain parts of the world. While it is true that such practice is not without its own disadvantages, I would argue that the benefits of going to work or traveling before one embarks on college far outweighs these disadvantages.

On the one hand, people’s concerns about delaying university are largely justifiable. To begin with, if a person opts to travel, there is the question of finance. Most high school graduates are unlikely to be able to fund their own travels, and as a result must ask their parents to pay for all the expenses of the trip. This is obviously undesirable, especially for families in developing nations, who have more urgent needs to address rather than traveling. Should they decide to go to work, there is a high chance that they would just end up doing part-time work with meager pay. In addition, these jobs often provide employees with little exposure to professional working styles and skills, so most fail to gain any substantive benefits from them. For instance, my friend spent a summer working at a fast food establishment in Hanoi, which he said was a complete waste of time because he could not acquire any new skills, nor could he procure any significant savings from the salary.
On the other hand, notwithstanding the described issues, I believe abundant advantages accrue to taking a year off before college. By going to work, youngsters can obtain valuable working experiences. The merit of this is they are able to put their study into perspective when they take university courses later. For example, an accounting major can better imagine how accounting theories and standards are applied in a corporate context if he has previous experiences reading financial statements and handling transactions as a cashier. By travelling, one has the chance to acquire useful life skills by living independently, especially if he journeys to a foreign country. I can personally vouch for this, as during my 3-year stay in America, not only did I materially improve my English, I was also able to learn how to live on a tight budget and manage personal finance.

In conclusion, it is my genuine belief that taking a gap year before enrolling in a university is a rewarding experience and definitely an option worth contemplating for those who are about to graduate from high school.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "there is a growing trend towards taking a gap year" -> "there is an increasing inclination towards opting for a gap year"
    Explanation: Replacing "growing trend" with "increasing inclination" and "taking a gap year" with "opting for a gap year" adds formality and precision to the sentence, aligning it more with academic style.

  2. "While it is true that such practice is not without its own disadvantages" -> "While it is true that this practice is not devoid of drawbacks"
    Explanation: Substituting "not without its own disadvantages" with "not devoid of drawbacks" maintains the meaning while using more formal and concise language, enhancing the academic tone.

  3. "far outweighs these disadvantages" -> "far outweigh these drawbacks"
    Explanation: Changing "outweighs these disadvantages" to "outweigh these drawbacks" simplifies the expression without sacrificing formality, contributing to a more direct and academic phrasing.

  4. "people’s concerns about delaying university" -> "individuals’ concerns about postponing university"
    Explanation: Shifting from "people’s concerns" to "individuals’ concerns" and replacing "delaying university" with "postponing university" results in a more formal and precise formulation.

  5. "there is the question of finance" -> "the issue of finances arises"
    Explanation: Replacing "there is the question of finance" with "the issue of finances arises" provides a more formal and structured expression, avoiding the informal use of "question."

  6. "who have more urgent needs to address rather than traveling" -> "who must address more pressing needs rather than engaging in travel"
    Explanation: Substituting "have more urgent needs to address rather than traveling" with "must address more pressing needs rather than engaging in travel" offers a more formal and polished construction.

  7. "there is a high chance that they would just end up doing part-time work with meager pay" -> "there is a significant likelihood that they would engage in part-time work with modest compensation"
    Explanation: Replacing "high chance" with "significant likelihood" and "meager pay" with "modest compensation" elevates the language, making it more academically suitable.

  8. "little exposure to professional working styles and skills" -> "limited exposure to professional work environments and skills"
    Explanation: Substituting "little exposure to professional working styles and skills" with "limited exposure to professional work environments and skills" maintains clarity while using more formal language.

  9. "most fail to gain any substantive benefits from them" -> "most fail to derive substantial benefits from these experiences"
    Explanation: Changing "fail to gain any substantive benefits" to "fail to derive substantial benefits from these experiences" enhances the formality and precision of the expression.

  10. "notwithstanding the described issues" -> "despite the aforementioned challenges"
    Explanation: Replacing "notwithstanding the described issues" with "despite the aforementioned challenges" maintains the meaning while introducing a more formal and academic phrase.

  11. "I believe abundant advantages accrue to taking a year off" -> "I believe numerous advantages result from taking a year off"
    Explanation: Substituting "abundant advantages accrue to" with "numerous advantages result from" conveys the idea more precisely and in a formal manner.

  12. "By going to work" -> "Through engaging in employment"
    Explanation: Replacing "By going to work" with "Through engaging in employment" introduces a more formal and sophisticated alternative.

  13. "the merit of this is they are able to put their study into perspective" -> "the merit lies in their ability to contextualize their studies"
    Explanation: Changing "the merit of this is they are able to" to "the merit lies in their ability to" results in a more concise and formal expression.

  14. "an accounting major can better imagine" -> "an accounting major can more effectively envision"
    Explanation: Substituting "better imagine" with "more effectively envision" enhances the precision and formality of the language.

  15. "I can personally vouch for this" -> "I can personally attest to this"
    Explanation: Replacing "vouch for" with "attest to" maintains the personal testimony while using a more formal and academic term.

  16. "I was also able to learn how to live on a tight budget" -> "I also acquired the skill of managing finances judiciously"
    Explanation: Substituting "learn how to live on a tight budget" with "acquired the skill of managing finances judiciously" introduces a more formal and precise expression.

  17. "it is my genuine belief" -> "I firmly believe"
    Explanation: Replacing "it is my genuine belief" with "I firmly believe" adds emphasis and formality to the statement, aligning it more with academic tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the question. It discusses both the advantages and disadvantages of young people taking a gap year before starting university. The writer presents a balanced perspective, considering financial concerns, potential drawbacks of part-time work, and the benefits of gaining experiences through travel or work.

    • How to improve: While the essay generally covers the necessary elements, it could enhance its analysis by providing more specific examples or statistics to support points related to financial concerns and the potential lack of benefits from part-time work.

  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout. The writer argues that the benefits of taking a gap year outweigh the disadvantages. The position is evident in the introduction, and each paragraph contributes to reinforcing this stance.

    • How to improve: The writer could strengthen the essay by explicitly stating the main position in the introduction to provide a clear roadmap for the reader.

  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. The writer provides specific examples, such as the challenges of funding travel and the limited benefits of certain part-time jobs. The essay also extends ideas by explaining how work experiences can benefit future studies and how travel contributes to acquiring life skills.

    • How to improve: To enhance the essay, the writer could consider expanding on the disadvantages to provide a more comprehensive view. Additionally, incorporating additional examples or anecdotes would make the arguments more vivid and persuasive.

  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but occasionally deviates. For instance, the discussion about part-time work in Hanoi seems somewhat disconnected from the main theme. While the example is relevant, it could be more seamlessly integrated into the broader discussion.

    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each example or detail directly contributes to the central argument. Connecting the Hanoi example more explicitly to the broader discussion on part-time work would strengthen the essay’s cohesion.

In conclusion, this essay demonstrates a strong grasp of the prompt, effectively balancing advantages and disadvantages. To improve, the writer should consider providing more specific examples, explicitly stating the main position in the introduction, and ensuring that all details contribute directly to the central argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. The introduction introduces the topic and provides a clear stance. The body paragraphs present arguments both for and against the idea of taking a gap year, offering examples to support each point. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and restates the author’s position.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider refining the transitions between paragraphs. While the ideas within each paragraph are well-developed, improving the connection between them would create a smoother transition for the reader.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to present distinct ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, and the structure within each paragraph is clear. However, some paragraphs could be more varied in length for better emphasis.
    • How to improve: Vary the length of paragraphs to add emphasis and maintain reader engagement. For instance, the second paragraph is lengthy; breaking it into smaller, focused paragraphs could improve readability and emphasize key points.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a range of cohesive devices such as transition words ("On the one hand," "On the other hand," "In conclusion") and pronouns ("this," "these"). These devices contribute to the overall coherence of the essay.
    • How to improve: While cohesive devices are used effectively, consider incorporating more advanced transitions and synonyms to enhance cohesion further. This could involve using a variety of conjunctions and linking words to create a more nuanced connection between ideas.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong coherence and cohesion, earning a band score of 7. To improve, focus on refining transitions, varying paragraph lengths for emphasis, and incorporating more advanced cohesive devices to enhance overall fluidity and sophistication in expression.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable effort in employing a reasonably wide range of vocabulary. There is usage of varied terms such as "tertiary education," "merit," "accrue," and "substantive benefits." However, there is room for improvement in the diversity of vocabulary. For instance, the essay could benefit from incorporating more synonyms and alternative expressions for frequently used words, thus enhancing lexical variety.

    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider exploring synonyms for commonly used words. Instead of relying on repetitive terms like "advantages" or "disadvantages," experiment with alternatives such as "benefits" and "drawbacks." Additionally, incorporate specialized vocabulary related to the essay’s context to showcase a deeper understanding of the topic.

  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally precise use of vocabulary. Examples include "abundant advantages," "valuable working experiences," and "financial statements." However, there are instances where more precise language could be employed. For instance, the phrase "complete waste of time" might benefit from a more nuanced expression to convey the idea more precisely.

    • How to improve: Aim for precision by avoiding broad or generic terms. Instead of describing an experience as a "complete waste of time," provide specific details about why it was not beneficial. Use adjectives and adverbs that convey the exact nature of the experience, offering a clearer and more nuanced picture to the reader.

  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally correct level of spelling. However, there are a few instances where minor spelling errors can be observed. For instance, "Should they decide to go to work, there is a high chance that they would just end up doing part-time work with meager pay" – the correct usage is "a high chance" rather than "a high chance."

    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider proofreading the essay carefully. Pay attention to common spelling pitfalls, and consider using spelling and grammar checking tools to catch any overlooked errors. Additionally, practice regularly to reinforce correct spellings and develop a heightened sensitivity to potential mistakes.

In summary, while the essay exhibits a solid command of vocabulary with some room for improvement, maintaining precision and ensuring meticulous spelling can further enhance the overall lexical resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable use of various sentence structures. Simple, compound, and complex sentences are utilized effectively. The writer employs a mix of short, concise sentences and longer, more complex ones, contributing to overall fluency and coherence. Examples include complex sentences like "To begin with, if a person opts to travel, there is the question of finance," which enhances the essay’s sophistication.
    • How to improve: While the essay already exhibits a good range of structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures for further variety. This can involve the use of advanced punctuation, such as semicolons or dashes, and incorporating rhetorical devices to add flair to the writing. For instance, experimenting with parallel structures or varied sentence beginnings can elevate the overall quality.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a high level of grammatical accuracy throughout. Most sentences are grammatically correct, and punctuation is generally well-handled. However, there are instances where minor grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues (e.g., "young people are encouraged" could be "young people are encouraged"), occur. Punctuation is generally accurate, but there are sporadic instances where the use of commas could be refined for better clarity.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, carefully review subject-verb agreements and ensure consistency in verb tenses. Regarding punctuation, pay close attention to the use of commas, ensuring they are appropriately placed to enhance clarity and avoid confusion. Additionally, consider using more advanced punctuation, like colons or dashes, to add variety and sophistication to sentence structures. Proofreading for these details will further refine the overall accuracy of the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and a good range of sentence structures. Attention to detail in terms of grammar and punctuation will help refine the writing, pushing it towards a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is an increasing inclination towards opting for a gap year before starting tertiary education among school leavers in certain parts of the world. While it is true that this practice is not devoid of drawbacks, I would argue that the benefits of working or traveling before entering college far outweigh these disadvantages.

On one hand, individuals’ concerns about postponing university are understandable. If a person chooses to travel, the issue of finances arises. Most high school graduates are unlikely to fund their travels independently, relying on their parents to cover all expenses. This is particularly challenging for families in developing nations, who must address more pressing needs instead of supporting their child’s travels. If they decide to work, there is a significant likelihood that they would engage in part-time jobs with modest compensation. Moreover, these jobs often offer limited exposure to professional work environments and skills, leading to minimal benefits. For instance, a friend spent a summer working at a fast-food establishment in Hanoi, considering it a waste of time due to the absence of new skills and insignificant savings.

On the other hand, despite the aforementioned challenges, I believe numerous advantages result from taking a year off before college. Through engaging in employment, young individuals can gain valuable working experiences. The merit lies in their ability to contextualize their studies when they later take university courses. For example, an accounting major can more effectively envision how accounting theories and standards are applied in a corporate context with previous experience reading financial statements and handling transactions as a cashier. I can personally attest to this. Additionally, by traveling, one has the chance to acquire useful life skills, especially if journeying to a foreign country. During my three-year stay in America, not only did I materially improve my English, but I also acquired the skill of managing finances judiciously, learning how to live on a tight budget.

In conclusion, despite the described challenges, I firmly believe that taking a gap year before enrolling in a university is a rewarding experience and definitely an option worth contemplating for those who are about to graduate from high school.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

Phản hồi

Email của bạn sẽ không được hiển thị công khai. Các trường bắt buộc được đánh dấu *