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in some country, secondary school aim to provide a general education across a wide range of subjects. in other, children focus on narrow range of subjects related to a particular career. For today’s world, which system is appropriate?

in some country, secondary school aim to provide a general education across a wide range of subjects. in other, children focus on narrow range of subjects related to a particular career. For today's world, which system is appropriate?

In recent years, it has been believed that secondary schools should provide a general education across many subjects or focus on a narrow range of subjects related to specific careers. In this essay, I will discuss the main benefits of both systems and give my viewpoint.
On the one hand, it is true that offering a wide range of subjects in secondary school can provide students with obvious advantages. To begin with, it gives students chances to gain a broad understanding of various fields and develop comprehensive perspectives on life. For instance, exposure to subjects like science, literature, and the arts help individuals enhance critical thinking and adaptability. Additionally, numerous young students have not yet identified their true interests, so a diverse curriculum enables them to explore multiple sectors and work out their own passions, which is essential for forming career choices in the future.
On the other hand, concentrating on a narrow range of subjects that are appropriate for clear career paths enables students to develop specialized knowledge and skills from an early age. Firstly, this targeted education can be particularly beneficial in today’s job market, where employers often seek candidates with deep expertise in a particular field. For example, if students are interested in technology, they might benefit from a curriculum that emphasizes programming and computer science, preparing them to enter the workforce with relevant skills. Secondly, specialization can lead to a sustainable job as well as guarantee steady income, as individuals with in-depth expertise are often more appreciated by their bosses, which makes them irreplaceable in any financial circumstances.
In conclusion, even though both perspectives have their unique merits, I still support the view that an ideal approach would combine elements of both, initially allowing students to explore a variety of subjects, then progressively focus on their chosen field as they nearly graduate.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "it has been believed" -> "it is believed"
    Explanation: The phrase "it has been believed" is awkward and passive. Using "it is believed" simplifies and clarifies the sentence structure, making it more direct and appropriate for academic writing.

  2. "provide students with obvious advantages" -> "offer students significant advantages"
    Explanation: The word "obvious" is somewhat informal and vague in this context. "Significant" is more precise and academically appropriate, emphasizing the importance of the advantages.

  3. "gives students chances" -> "offers students opportunities"
    Explanation: "Chances" is less formal and slightly informal. "Opportunities" is more formal and fits better in an academic context.

  4. "exposure to subjects like science, literature, and the arts" -> "exposure to subjects such as science, literature, and the arts"
    Explanation: Adding "such as" before the list of subjects enhances the formality and clarity of the sentence.

  5. "help individuals enhance critical thinking and adaptability" -> "enhance critical thinking and adaptability in individuals"
    Explanation: Reversing the phrase structure improves the sentence flow and clarity, making it more direct and formal.

  6. "numerous young students have not yet identified their true interests" -> "many young students have not yet identified their true interests"
    Explanation: "Numerous" is slightly less formal than "many," which is more commonly used in academic writing.

  7. "work out their own passions" -> "determine their own passions"
    Explanation: "Work out" is colloquial and less precise. "Determine" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing.

  8. "concentrating on a narrow range of subjects" -> "focusing on a limited range of subjects"
    Explanation: "Focusing" is more precise and formal than "concentrating," which is slightly informal.

  9. "can be particularly beneficial" -> "is particularly beneficial"
    Explanation: Changing "can be" to "is" makes the statement more definitive and assertive, which is preferred in academic writing.

  10. "deep expertise in a particular field" -> "in-depth expertise in a specific field"
    Explanation: "In-depth" is a more precise and formal term than "deep," and "specific" is preferred over "particular" in formal writing.

  11. "guarantee steady income" -> "ensure a steady income"
    Explanation: "Ensure" is more formal and appropriate than "guarantee" in this context, as it implies a higher level of certainty.

  12. "as individuals with in-depth expertise are often more appreciated by their bosses" -> "as individuals with in-depth expertise are frequently valued by their employers"
    Explanation: "Frequently valued" is more formal than "often appreciated," and "employers" is more precise than "bosses" in a formal context.

  13. "makes them irreplaceable in any financial circumstances" -> "renders them indispensable in any financial situation"
    Explanation: "Renders them indispensable" is more formal and precise than "makes them irreplaceable," and "situation" is preferred over "circumstances" for clarity and formality.

  14. "nearly graduate" -> "approach graduation"
    Explanation: "Approach graduation" is more precise and formal than "nearly graduate," which is awkward and informal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both educational systems mentioned in the prompt: general education and specialized education. It presents the benefits of each approach, which is crucial for a balanced discussion. The introduction clearly outlines the intention to discuss both sides, and the body paragraphs provide relevant examples for each system. However, the essay could have more explicitly stated which system is deemed more appropriate for today’s world, as the conclusion suggests a combination rather than a clear preference.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should clearly articulate their stance on which system is more appropriate in the introduction and reinforce this position in the conclusion. Including a brief summary of the reasons for this preference would also strengthen the response to the prompt.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that supports a combination of both educational systems. However, this duality can lead to some ambiguity regarding the writer’s ultimate stance. While the discussion of both sides is well-developed, the lack of a definitive position throughout the essay may confuse readers about the writer’s true viewpoint.
    • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should state their preference more explicitly in the introduction and consistently refer back to this stance in the body paragraphs. Phrases such as "In my opinion" or "I believe" can help clarify the writer’s viewpoint and ensure that it resonates throughout the essay.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas effectively, with clear examples illustrating the benefits of both educational approaches. The use of specific instances, such as the importance of critical thinking and adaptability from a general education, and the need for specialized skills in the job market, adds depth to the argument. However, some ideas could be further extended to provide more comprehensive support.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the development of ideas, the writer could provide additional examples or data to support their claims. For instance, including statistics about employment rates for graduates from general versus specialized programs could add credibility. Additionally, exploring potential drawbacks of each system could provide a more nuanced discussion.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the two educational systems as required by the prompt. However, the conclusion introduces the idea of combining both systems without fully exploring how this hybrid approach would function in practice. This could be seen as slightly deviating from the prompt’s request to evaluate which system is more appropriate.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that the conclusion ties back to the prompt more directly. Instead of suggesting a combination, the writer could briefly outline how one system might be more beneficial than the other in today’s context, thereby reinforcing the essay’s relevance to the question posed.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a well-structured argument. By clarifying the position, extending ideas with more examples, and ensuring a tighter focus on the prompt, the writer could elevate their score in the Task Response criteria.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay is well-structured, presenting a clear introduction, body paragraphs that discuss both educational systems, and a concise conclusion. The argument flows logically from the general discussion of the two educational approaches to the author’s viewpoint. For example, the transition from discussing the benefits of a broad curriculum to the advantages of specialization is smooth and coherent. Each paragraph builds on the previous one, maintaining a clear line of reasoning throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance the logical flow further, the author could consider using more explicit linking phrases between points. For instance, when transitioning from the advantages of a broad education to those of specialization, phrases like "Conversely" or "In contrast" could strengthen the connection and clarify the shift in focus.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The first body paragraph discusses the benefits of a general education, while the second addresses the advantages of specialization. This clear separation aids readability and comprehension. However, the conclusion could be more distinct, as it currently feels somewhat integrated into the last body paragraph.
    • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, the author should ensure that the conclusion is clearly separated from the body paragraphs. This can be achieved by starting the conclusion on a new line and using a clear topic sentence that summarizes the overall argument, such as "In summary, while both educational approaches have their merits, a hybrid model may provide the best outcomes for students."
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand," "For instance," and "On the other hand," which help to guide the reader through the argument. These devices effectively signal shifts in perspective and provide examples that support the points made. However, the range of cohesive devices could be expanded to include more varied expressions of contrast and addition.
    • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the author could incorporate phrases such as "Moreover," "Furthermore," or "In addition" to introduce supporting points, and "Nevertheless" or "Despite this" to present counterarguments. This would not only enhance the essay’s cohesiveness but also demonstrate a broader command of language.

Overall, the essay is coherent and cohesive, effectively addressing the prompt with a clear structure and logical flow. By implementing the suggested improvements, the author can further elevate the clarity and sophistication of their writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with terms such as "comprehensive perspectives," "exposure," "specialized knowledge," and "sustainable job." These choices reflect an understanding of the topic and the ability to convey nuanced ideas. However, some phrases, such as "work out their own passions," could be expressed with more sophistication, perhaps by using "identify" or "discover" instead of "work out."
    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should aim to incorporate more varied synonyms and expressions. For instance, instead of repeating "subjects," consider using "disciplines" or "fields of study." Engaging with advanced vocabulary through reading and practicing paraphrasing can also help in this area.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are instances where precision could be improved. For example, the phrase "which makes them irreplaceable in any financial circumstances" may imply a broader meaning than intended. The term "financial circumstances" could be more specifically articulated as "economic downturns" or "market fluctuations" to clarify the context.
    • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on context-specific vocabulary. Using a thesaurus to find more precise terms and ensuring that the chosen words accurately reflect the intended meaning will enhance clarity. Additionally, reviewing the essay for any ambiguous phrases and replacing them with more specific alternatives will strengthen the overall argument.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is largely accurate, with no significant errors that detract from the overall readability. Words such as "specialized," "curriculum," and "beneficial" are spelled correctly, showcasing a good command of English spelling conventions.
    • How to improve: To maintain and improve spelling accuracy, the writer should regularly practice spelling through writing exercises and proofreading. Utilizing tools like spell checkers and reading the essay aloud can help catch any overlooked errors. Additionally, familiarizing oneself with commonly misspelled words in academic writing can further enhance spelling proficiency.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of lexical resource with a band score of 7, there is room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling. By diversifying vocabulary, refining word choice for clarity, and maintaining spelling accuracy, the writer can aim for an even higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. For instance, the use of complex sentences such as "On the one hand, it is true that offering a wide range of subjects in secondary school can provide students with obvious advantages" effectively conveys nuanced ideas. Additionally, the essay includes conditional structures, such as "if students are interested in technology, they might benefit from a curriculum that emphasizes programming and computer science," which adds depth to the argument. However, while the range is generally good, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and structures, particularly in the second paragraph.
    • How to improve: To further diversify sentence structures, consider varying the way sentences are initiated. For example, instead of frequently starting with "On the one hand" or "Firstly," try using participial phrases or adverbial clauses to introduce ideas. For instance, "By offering a wide range of subjects, secondary schools can…" or "In today’s job market, focusing on a narrow range of subjects allows students to…" This will enhance the fluidity and engagement of the writing.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a high level of grammatical accuracy, with only minor errors present. For example, the phrase "a narrow range of subjects related to specific careers" is correctly structured, and punctuation is mostly accurate throughout the essay. However, there are a few areas that could benefit from refinement. For instance, the sentence "For instance, exposure to subjects like science, literature, and the arts help individuals enhance critical thinking and adaptability" contains a subject-verb agreement error; "help" should be "helps" to agree with the singular subject "exposure."
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement and ensure that singular subjects are paired with singular verbs. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, especially regarding commas in complex sentences, can enhance clarity. For example, in the sentence "which makes them irreplaceable in any financial circumstances," consider using a comma before "which" to clarify that it is a non-defining relative clause. Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on writing can also help identify and correct recurring errors.

Overall, the essay is well-structured and presents a clear argument, but attention to the variety of sentence structures and minor grammatical details will further enhance its quality.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent years, it is believed that secondary schools should either provide a general education across a wide range of subjects or focus on a narrow range of subjects related to specific careers. In this essay, I will discuss the main benefits of both systems and present my viewpoint.

On the one hand, it is true that offering a wide range of subjects in secondary school can offer students significant advantages. To begin with, it provides students with opportunities to gain a broad understanding of various fields and develop comprehensive perspectives on life. For instance, exposure to subjects such as science, literature, and the arts helps individuals enhance critical thinking and adaptability. Additionally, many young students have not yet identified their true interests, so a diverse curriculum enables them to explore multiple sectors and determine their own passions, which is essential for forming career choices in the future.

On the other hand, concentrating on a narrow range of subjects that are aligned with clear career paths enables students to develop specialized knowledge and skills from an early age. Firstly, this targeted education is particularly beneficial in today’s job market, where employers often seek candidates with in-depth expertise in a specific field. For example, if students are interested in technology, they might benefit from a curriculum that emphasizes programming and computer science, preparing them to enter the workforce with relevant skills. Secondly, specialization can lead to a sustainable job as well as ensure a steady income, as individuals with in-depth expertise are frequently valued by their employers, rendering them indispensable in any financial situation.

In conclusion, although both perspectives have their unique merits, I support the view that an ideal approach would combine elements of both systems, initially allowing students to explore a variety of subjects and then progressively focus on their chosen field as they approach graduation.

Bài viết liên quan

Task 2: You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic: Some people believe teenagers should focus on all subjects equally, whereas other people think that they should concentrate on only those subjects that they find interesting and they are best at. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Task 2: You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic: Some people believe teenagers should focus on all subjects…

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