In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?
In many countries, children are taught that they can notch every goal up if they are hard-working enough. From my perspective, this opinion can result in both positive and negative impacts on the growth of young generations.
On the one hand, when children think that success always comes from hard work, they will be inspired to try their best in all situations. This thought will be clearer when we cite some renowned people as exemplifications. One of them is Lionel Messi- a successful footballer, who gained all of his fame and fortune with hard work since he was young. Therefore, children will try harder to study and have better results at school. Then, when they get older, they will still be dedicated at work to have higher salaries or promotions and can overcome the disadvantages in their lives.
On the other hand, the appearance of this belief in chidren's minds also have adverse infuences. Firstly, there will be a generation of too studious students and workaholics because they are educated that the more deligent they are, the more success they will achive. Secondly, this belief can be counterproductive if children overlook and fail to develop vital characters, like imagination. Their failure comes from other reasons instead of the lack of industriousness. To exemplify, a student can fail an examination because of ineffective ways of studying. Besides, a bussinessman with wrong marketing strategies can just make a trivial profit although they are extremely diligent. That belief makes them misundertand why they failed.
To sum up, it is necessary to teach children that industriousness is important to success. However, I suppose that this opinion can also detrimentally impact the children's mindset
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"notch every goal up" -> "achieve every goal"
Explanation: The phrase "notch every goal up" is informal and can be replaced with the more formal and precise "achieve every goal" to maintain academic style.
"positive and negative impacts" -> "positive and negative consequences"
Explanation: The term "impacts" is a bit informal; using "consequences" provides a more formal and appropriate tone for an academic essay.
"they will be inspired to try their best" -> "they will be motivated to exert their utmost effort"
Explanation: Replacing "try their best" with "exert their utmost effort" enhances formality and specificity in describing the level of dedication.
"exemplifications" -> "examples"
Explanation: "Exemplifications" is a less common and more complex term. Replacing it with "examples" maintains clarity and simplicity in academic writing.
"deligent" -> "diligent"
Explanation: Correcting the misspelling of "deligent" to "diligent" ensures accuracy in the use of vocabulary.
"achive" -> "achieve"
Explanation: Correcting the misspelling of "achive" to "achieve" ensures accuracy in the use of vocabulary.
"counterproductive" -> "counterproductive"
Explanation: The term "counterproductive" is suitable but should be spelled correctly for accuracy.
"misundertand" -> "misunderstand"
Explanation: Correcting the misspelling of "misundertand" to "misunderstand" ensures accuracy in the use of vocabulary.
"industriousness is important to success" -> "hard work is crucial for success"
Explanation: The phrase "industriousness is important to success" can be replaced with the more concise and formal "hard work is crucial for success."
"suppose that this opinion can also detrimentally impact" -> "believe that this perspective can also adversely affect"
Explanation: "Suppose" is slightly informal, and "detrimentally impact" can be replaced with "adversely affect" for a more formal tone.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay provides a well-rounded response to the prompt, discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of teaching children that they can achieve anything through hard work. It mentions specific examples, such as Lionel Messi, to support its points.
- How to improve: While the essay is comprehensive, it could benefit from a more structured approach to explicitly addressing each part of the question. A clear introduction that outlines the advantages and disadvantages would enhance the organization.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position by acknowledging both the positive and negative aspects of the belief that hard work leads to success. However, the stance could be more explicitly stated in the introduction and reinforced throughout the essay.
- How to improve: Begin the essay with a clear thesis statement that succinctly presents the writer’s stance on whether telling children they can achieve anything through hard work is beneficial or not. Reiterate this position in the conclusion for emphasis.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas with relevant examples, such as Lionel Messi, and extends these ideas by discussing potential consequences of instilling the belief in hard work. However, some ideas could be further developed, such as the discussion on the disadvantages.
- How to improve: Elaborate more on the disadvantages, providing specific examples and exploring the potential long-term effects. This will enhance the depth of the analysis.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by addressing the advantages and disadvantages of teaching children that they can achieve anything through hard work. However, there are moments of ambiguity, especially in the concluding sentence.
- How to improve: Ensure that the conclusion directly ties back to the main points and reinforces the overall stance. Avoid introducing new ideas in the conclusion to maintain focus on the topic.
In summary, the essay effectively addresses the prompt, providing a balanced discussion of the advantages and disadvantages. To enhance its overall coherence, consider refining the introduction and conclusion for greater clarity. Additionally, further develop the discussion on the disadvantages to provide a more nuanced analysis.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. The introduction sets the stage by presenting the topic and the writer’s perspective. The body paragraphs follow a clear structure, presenting advantages and disadvantages separately. However, there is room for improvement in terms of transitioning between ideas and maintaining a consistent flow. For instance, the shift between discussing the positive impact of hard work to the negative influence could be smoother.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transition phrases to guide the reader through the different points. Ensure a clear and smooth progression from one idea to the next. For example, use phrases like "Moreover" or "On the contrary" to signal transitions between positive and negative aspects.
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs, but the structure could be refined for greater effectiveness. The first paragraph introduces the topic, and subsequent paragraphs discuss advantages and disadvantages separately. However, some paragraphs are lengthy, making it challenging for the reader to follow the argument. There’s an opportunity to create more concise and focused paragraphs for better readability.
- How to improve: Break down lengthy paragraphs into smaller ones, each focusing on a specific point. This not only improves readability but also allows for a more organized presentation of ideas. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and follows a coherent structure with supporting details.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices to connect ideas, such as referencing examples like Lionel Messi and using words like "on the one hand" and "on the other hand" to indicate contrasting points. However, there is a limited variety of cohesive devices, and their usage could be more sophisticated. Additionally, the essay could benefit from more explicit connections between sentences to strengthen the overall coherence.
- How to improve: Expand the range of cohesive devices used. Include a variety of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "however," or "consequently," to create a smoother flow between sentences. Ensure that the relationships between ideas are explicitly stated to enhance clarity for the reader.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, refining the organization, paragraph structure, and use of cohesive devices can elevate the essay to a higher band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. Some variety is present, but there is room for improvement. For instance, the repeated use of words like "hard work" could be diversified with synonyms or related terms to enhance lexical richness.
- How to improve: To broaden your vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms and related terms. Instead of relying solely on "hard work," introduce words like diligence, perseverance, or commitment to add depth to your expression. For example, "dedicated effort" or "persistent endeavor" could be used interchangeably.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage varies. While the essay effectively communicates the message, there are instances where more precise language could enhance clarity. For example, the term "too studious students" could be refined for better specificity.
- How to improve: Aim for more precise and nuanced vocabulary to convey your ideas with greater accuracy. Instead of "too studious students," consider a phrase like "overly diligent learners" to provide a more specific description. This will contribute to a sharper and more refined expression of your thoughts.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances of misspelled words, such as "deligent" instead of "diligent" and "bussinessman" instead of "businessman."
- How to improve: Pay close attention to spelling details during proofreading. Consider utilizing spell-check tools and reviewing your writing systematically to catch and correct any misspelled words. Consistent practice and attention to detail will contribute to improved spelling accuracy.
In summary, while your essay effectively conveys the advantages and disadvantages of instilling the belief in hard work, enhancing the variety and precision of your vocabulary, along with meticulous attention to spelling, will further elevate the overall quality of your writing. Keep refining your language choices for greater impact and clarity.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. While there is an attempt to vary sentence types, such as simple and complex sentences, the essay tends to rely on simpler structures. For instance, the introductory sentence is complex, but subsequent sentences often follow a simpler pattern. Additionally, the repetition of certain sentence structures diminishes variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the essay’s grammatical range and add sophistication, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures such as compound-complex sentences. Additionally, experiment with varied sentence beginnings and lengths to engage the reader. Introduce rhetorical devices like parallelism or inverted sentences for added stylistic flair.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, but there are instances of errors. For example, there are issues with subject-verb agreement (e.g., "chidren’s minds," "deligent," "achive"). Punctuation usage is generally correct, but there are occasional lapses, like missing commas in complex sentences.
- How to improve: Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement to ensure consistency. Proofread the essay carefully for punctuation errors, especially in complex sentence structures. Consider using advanced punctuation, such as em dashes or colons, to enhance sentence structure. Utilize tools like grammar checkers to catch and correct common grammatical mistakes.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical structures, but improvement in variety and meticulous attention to grammatical details will contribute to a more polished and sophisticated piece.
Bài sửa mẫu
In many cultures, children are often encouraged to believe that they can achieve every goal through hard work. In my view, this perspective can have both positive and negative consequences on the development of young generations.
On the positive side, when children internalize the idea that success is a result of diligent effort, they will be motivated to exert their utmost effort in various aspects of their lives. This becomes evident when we look at examples of successful individuals like Lionel Messi, a renowned footballer, who attained fame and fortune through hard work from a young age. Consequently, children are likely to strive harder in their studies, leading to improved academic performance. As they grow older, this dedication can translate into a strong work ethic, enabling them to overcome challenges and achieve success in their careers.
However, there are potential drawbacks to instilling this belief in children. Firstly, it may lead to a generation of overly studious students and workaholics, driven by the notion that more diligence equates to greater success. Secondly, this perspective could be counterproductive if children neglect the development of essential traits, such as imagination. Failures may arise not due to a lack of industriousness, but rather from other factors like ineffective study methods or misguided business strategies. For instance, a student might fail an exam because of inadequate study techniques, while a diligent businessman with flawed marketing strategies might only achieve marginal profits. This misunderstanding of the true reasons behind failure can be detrimental to their overall mindset.
In conclusion, emphasizing the importance of hard work for success is crucial in guiding children. However, it’s essential to acknowledge that this perspective can also have adverse effects on their mindset, potentially leading to an imbalance in their approach to life. Therefore, a more comprehensive understanding of success, encompassing various factors beyond industriousness, should be imparted to children for their holistic development.