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In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough.
What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

In various nations, youngsters are always taught that the more effort they contribute, the more success they will receive in the future. This philosophy is widespead across many generations since there are plenty of well-known figures has proven its true. However, this message itself contains both advantages and disadvatages which can considerably shape the way children act.
On the one hand, it is undeniable that this notion encourages children to work hard to achieve their goals. Understanding the importance of effort in conquering personal targets can guide children to do the right things in the right way to touch the most fruitful results. Thoughout the history, there are many classic cases that represented for this message as they did make things possible from impossible and simultanously became the inspiration for others. For example, Christian Ronald, who has been recognized as one of the most successful footballers of the time, has spent many consecutive years for learning and practising under hard conditions. His hard work and can-do attitudes definitely became an infinite source of motivation for hundreds of millions of children in the world to pursue their dreams.
On the other hand, believing that effort can make everything comes true can place a great deal of pressure on children as this is not the sole factor contributing to the success in life. There is no fixed fomula for having a prosperous future because individuals are different in terms of talent, ability, luck and even economic or social backgrounds, therefore, the success is also shaped and evaluated in different ways. Supposing that trying hard is the pivotal factor and eliminating others can breed the resentment when the effort does not pay back what we expect.
To sum up, effort can be considered as the most active way for a person to control and navigate their life. However, parents as the experienced generation compared to children, have to guide their child about the role of effort in creating achievements in accordance with other factors, then they can lead a better life with no mental fatigues.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "widespead" -> "widespread"
    Explanation: "Widespread" is the correct spelling of the word, adhering to standard English usage.
  2. "plenty of well-known figures has proven its true" -> "numerous well-known figures have proven its validity"
    Explanation: "Has" should be replaced with "have" to match the subject "figures." Additionally, "its true" should be replaced with "its validity" for clarity and formality.
  3. "Thoughout" -> "Throughout"
    Explanation: "Throughout" is the correct spelling of the word, maintaining formal writing standards.
  4. "simultanously" -> "simultaneously"
    Explanation: "Simultaneously" is the correct spelling, ensuring accuracy and formality.
  5. "Christian Ronald" -> "Cristiano Ronaldo"
    Explanation: The correct name is "Cristiano Ronaldo." Ensuring accuracy is crucial in academic writing.
  6. "can-do attitudes" -> "positive attitudes"
    Explanation: "Positive attitudes" is a more concise and formal alternative, maintaining clarity in the context.
  7. "breed the resentment" -> "generate resentment"
    Explanation: "Generate resentment" is a more formal and precise phrase, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.
  8. "Supposing that trying hard is the pivotal factor and eliminating others" -> "Assuming that exerting effort is the sole determinant, disregarding other factors"
    Explanation: The revised phrase provides a clearer and more formal expression of the idea, avoiding informal language like "trying hard" and "pivotal."
  9. "mental fatigues" -> "mental exhaustion"
    Explanation: "Mental exhaustion" is a more formal term, fitting the academic tone of the essay.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both the advantages and disadvantages of instilling the belief in children that they can achieve anything through hard work. It discusses how this message can motivate children to strive for success while also acknowledging the potential negative effects, such as excessive pressure and overlooking other factors influencing success.
    • How to improve: While the essay effectively touches upon both sides of the argument, it could enhance its analysis by providing more specific examples or research findings to support its points. Additionally, elaborating on how cultural and societal factors may influence the prevalence and impact of this message would enrich the discussion.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, acknowledging the benefits of the message while also cautioning against its potential drawbacks. The writer consistently presents a balanced view without wavering in their stance.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen the clarity of the position, the writer could consider explicitly stating their thesis in the introduction and reiterating it in the conclusion. This would help ensure that the reader clearly understands the writer’s viewpoint from the outset.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas adequately, offering examples such as Cristiano Ronaldo to illustrate the positive effects of believing in the power of effort. However, some points could be further developed for a more thorough analysis. For instance, the discussion on the disadvantages could benefit from additional elaboration on how other factors besides effort contribute to success.
    • How to improve: To enhance the depth of analysis, the writer should delve deeper into each advantage and disadvantage presented, providing more nuanced insights and perhaps exploring counterarguments to strengthen the overall argumentation.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, addressing the advantages and disadvantages of the message conveyed to children regarding the relationship between effort and success. However, there are instances where the focus slightly drifts, such as when discussing individual differences in talent and background.
    • How to improve: To maintain a sharper focus on the topic, the writer should ensure that each point directly relates to the overarching theme of the advantages and disadvantages of instilling the belief in children that they can achieve anything through effort. Avoiding tangential discussions will help maintain coherence and relevance throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically, following a typical introduction, body, and conclusion structure. The introduction introduces the topic and presents a clear thesis statement outlining the advantages and disadvantages of the message given to children about achieving anything through effort. The body paragraphs effectively discuss both sides of the argument, providing examples and explanations to support each viewpoint. The conclusion neatly summarizes the main points and offers a final thought.
    • How to improve: While the essay’s overall organization is solid, there is room for improvement in the coherence within paragraphs. Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and follows a clear internal structure, such as topic sentences followed by supporting details and examples.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, with distinct sections for the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the topic and contributes to the overall argument.
    • How to improve: Pay attention to the coherence within paragraphs. Make sure each paragraph develops a single main idea coherently, with supporting evidence and examples where necessary. Additionally, consider varying sentence structure and length to maintain reader engagement.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a range of cohesive devices to connect ideas and maintain coherence. Transition words and phrases such as "on the one hand," "on the other hand," "however," and "to sum up" help guide the reader through the argument and indicate shifts between points of view.
    • How to improve: While cohesive devices are used effectively, consider incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases to enhance coherence further. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently throughout the essay to strengthen the overall flow of ideas.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of coherence and cohesion, effectively organizing ideas and using cohesive devices to connect them. To improve further, focus on enhancing coherence within paragraphs and diversifying the range of cohesive devices used.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary throughout. Phrases like "conquering personal targets," "fruitful results," and "can-do attitudes" showcase the writer’s ability to express ideas with diverse vocabulary. However, there is room for improvement in incorporating more nuanced vocabulary to enhance precision and depth of expression.
    • How to improve: To further enrich your vocabulary, consider integrating specialized terminology related to the topic or exploring synonyms for frequently used words to add variety and sophistication to your writing. Additionally, incorporating idiomatic expressions or collocations can elevate the language usage.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:
    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with precision, effectively conveying ideas. For instance, the phrase "the success is also shaped and evaluated in different ways" accurately communicates the multifaceted nature of success. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more precise, such as using "infinite source of motivation" which might be hyperbolic in this context.
    • How to improve: Aim for greater precision by selecting vocabulary that precisely captures the intended meaning without exaggeration or ambiguity. Utilize synonyms or specific terms that align closely with the context to enhance clarity and coherence.
  • Use Correct Spelling:
    • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is generally satisfactory, with only a few minor errors observed, such as "Christian Ronald" instead of "Cristiano Ronaldo" and "fomula" instead of "formula." These errors do not significantly detract from the overall readability of the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider proofreading your writing carefully to catch any typos or misspellings. Utilize spelling and grammar checkers available in word processing software to identify and correct errors systematically. Additionally, expanding your vocabulary can indirectly improve spelling proficiency by reinforcing correct word forms and spellings through increased exposure.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of vocabulary, with notable strengths in range and overall precision. By refining vocabulary usage for greater precision and enhancing spelling accuracy through systematic proofreading, the writer can further elevate the lexical quality of their writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, it utilizes complex sentences such as "Understanding the importance of effort in conquering personal targets can guide children to do the right things in the right way to touch the most fruitful results," alongside simpler constructions like "On the other hand, believing that effort can make everything comes true can place a great deal of pressure on children."
    • How to improve: While the essay does exhibit diversity in sentence structures, enhancing the complexity and sophistication of some sentences can elevate the overall quality. Introducing more compound-complex sentences or incorporating rhetorical devices such as parallelism and appositives could enrich the essay’s expression.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with only minor errors. For instance, there are some issues with subject-verb agreement, such as "This philosophy is widespead across many generations since there are plenty of well-known figures has proven its true," where "has" should be "have." Additionally, there are a few punctuation errors, such as missing commas in certain compound sentences.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should pay closer attention to subject-verb agreement and ensure consistency throughout the essay. Proofreading for punctuation errors, particularly regarding comma usage in complex sentences, will also refine the clarity and flow of the writing. Additionally, considering the use of coordinating conjunctions to connect ideas in compound sentences could aid in maintaining coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

In many cultures, children are often taught that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. This belief is widespread across generations, supported by numerous examples of successful individuals. However, this message has both advantages and disadvantages that significantly influence children’s behavior.

On the positive side, this idea motivates children to work diligently towards their goals. Recognizing the value of effort in reaching personal objectives can guide children towards effective actions and fruitful outcomes. Throughout history, many notable figures have embodied this message by accomplishing what seemed impossible through relentless dedication. For instance, Cristiano Ronaldo, one of the most renowned footballers, spent years tirelessly practicing under challenging conditions. His determination and positive attitude serve as a boundless source of inspiration for countless children worldwide to pursue their dreams.

Conversely, believing that sheer effort alone guarantees success can burden children with excessive pressure, overlooking other essential factors. Success in life is influenced by various elements—individual talents, abilities, luck, and socio-economic backgrounds all play significant roles. Relying solely on effort may lead to disappointment if expectations are not met.

In conclusion, effort is undoubtedly a crucial factor in shaping one’s life. However, parents, being more experienced, should guide their children on the role of effort alongside other contributing factors in achieving success. This balanced approach can help children lead fulfilling lives without unnecessary mental strain.

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